Sweet. An Alison Lohman Vehicle. She's Going Where?

She is from Palm Springs so it makes sense.

If you could be paid to fool everybody that you're 14, 15, 16, then you're Alison Lohman...or Ellen Page. (References to Juno, Matchstick Men, Hard Candy, White Oleander. I'm a film nerd, so what.) Either way, they're old enough to take shots at the bar, buy cigarettes, and be in pornography that you can't get arrested for (save for snuff films; snuff films at any age is bad).

But the focus here is on Lohman, 29, who is getting top billing for the horror-thriller Drag Me to Hell. I wonder what exactly that movie's all about. I sense a hint of ironic romantic comedy. Twist ending? (Shit-eating smiley face!) Anyways, Lohman is directed in this picture by Sam Raimi aka Mr. Spider Man aka Mr. Evil Dead aka the man who filmed some Katie Holmes boobage.

I respect Lohman's work. Anybody who can come out of a Desert town comprised primarily of grays and gays and become a mainstream movie actor with highly-regarded credits gets my respect. Now if only I could do the same except become a super duper billionaire actor/astronaut/cowboy. (Yes, reference to Family Guy. I'm a TV nerd, so what.)

Trailer:

So That Demon from "Angel" Died

Andy Hallett. 1975-2009.

It's a slow news day today. Most of Tuesday's focus is actually on my "real job," what with all the plane emergencies and local store closings. More of a bummer. But yeah, that guy who played Lorne, the demon who just wanted to entertain, not possess souls, from Angel died. Andy Hallett (yes, he actually had a name and fair skin) was 33 when he died Sunday after his battle with congestive heart disease.

EW.com (GOD, I HATE ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY!):

Hallett was best known as Lorne, the friendly demon who reads people when they open up at the karaoke mic, on the TV series Angel. It was a role that show creator Joss Whedon wrote specifically for Hallett, after Whedon saw the entertainer performing the blues at a Los Angeles nightclub.

In 2004, just as Angel's run was ending, Hallett saw a doctor after suffering debilitating fatigue and learned that he had the degenerative disease. Too tired to take on acting work, he shifted back to singing occasionally around town and attending fan conventions when he could.

That's a real bummer because he was actually one of the bright spots of that Buffy spin-off. If they had any sense, the producers should have created a buddy dramedy with Lorne and Spike the vampire from the Buffy series...it could have been called The Odd Couple...from Hell.

The good news is that Charisma Carpenter, Cordelia in Buffy and Angel, is still alive and hot. (I really know how to bounce back from tragedy, do I?)

Where the Hell Was This Show When I Was in Middle School?

Hold numbers 3, 7, and 274: Armbar!

So MTV, which does not exist in my world of worlds (f*ckin' Laguna Beach muthaf*ckers), recently premiered Bully Beatdown, a sort-of revenge show for those tortured by bullies and can't take their shit no mo'.

The premise has the victim reach out to MMA champ Jason "Mayhem" Miller and to have Miller or another professional fighter face the bully --you know the "pick on somebody your own size" cliche, but now with more punches to the face. Towards the end, the MMA dudes beat down on the bullies. If the bullies can last the onslaught of technical moves and jabs and knees to the head, they earn money up to $10,000. If they pussy out, their victims get the money. It's revenge in the sweetest degree, superficially.

I'm all for this show [interview with "Mayhem" at Asylum], but I'm so neurotic to the point that what if the torturers themselves, the bullies, can counter all this MMA shit. What if they actually train or their just so big and tough they can withstand a missle. I guess they'll be forced to bring a gun in to the ring. Let's see you bully that! Ah YEAH! EXTREME!

Trailer:

I think the basis of "bullyism" is that the bullies have always wanted to make up for their microscopic penises (penii?) I have no sociological study that says that but yeah I think that's it.

Mike Hunt Had a Birthday

These names actually made it on the air.

Kirksville, Missourah. This backwoods town is located in the northeast part of the Show-Me (boobs!) State. Yet the town has enough people to warrant the 200th largest TV market in the country...out of 212.

I have worked in these so-called "small TV markets," producing ma-n-pa like news and talk programs. So, not so surprisingly, I found a YouTube video with a morning news program from KTVO listing really naughty names for birthdays and anniversaries around the town. And the kicker to this is that the anchors sound all so oblivious to those names while reading them.

I don't know who put those up there: prank e-mailers with an inept producer irresponsibly placing them on TV; or a producer who was so tired of working at KTVO, he/she wanted a little spice in the morning before he/she saw the door. I would have loved it if it was the latter but the former seems more likely. Anyways, here's how it looked like on-air [Thanks, YesButNoButYes]:

I swear, who in the hell still names their kid Craven...who happens to have the last name Moorehead?

Cooter Shooter: Michigan St. is Kinda Alright (3/30 Links)

It's Monday and that means I automatically hate you. You dick!


The Big Ten got some Big Boobies. Yes, I said it.

• Michigan St. Shows Its "Spirit" - Um. So boobs. And boobs. And there's some asses there. But there's like boobs. Need I say more? GO SPARTANS! [Gunaxin]
• 2009 National Douchebag Tournament - We're in the final four of this one, people. Barry Bonds. Octomom. Bernie Madoff. Rush Limbaugh. All deserving. All great examples of douchebaggery. Kinda curious, though, that Jimmy Fallon didn't make it. [Holy Taco]
• Best 11 Cat Puking Videos - Feline regurgitation. Way better than obese gentleman regurgitation. And maybe more functional than canine regurgitation. Any way, there's sure to be a hella big clean up involved. [Best Week Ever]
• Tom Brady's Ball and Chain...Naked - A Michigan kid crosses paths with a Brazilian supermodel who has a penchant for nudity. If only history writes something like "single journalist who hates himself catches the eye of blonde with D-cups who tells him 'to put it anywhere...just anywhere she can feel' because of his humorous, intelligent blog." Ah, yes. Because bitches love intelligence and quirkiness. I'm sure of it. [Tasty Booze]
  
• Rourke and Rockwell's Iron Man 2 Looks - Sam Rockwell does his best impersonation of Steve Allen (he was the former host of The Tonight Show...before Johnny Carson...wow, I can't believe I'm in my 20s and I know who exactly Steve Allen is). As for Mickey Rourke, he's...um...just Mickey Rourke. [Bam! Kapow!]
• 'Bruno' Draws NC-17 Rating - Do we expect anything less from Borat himself? So how did Sasha Baron Cohen outdo himself? Simulated anal sex, of course. [The Wrap]
  

Cooter Scooter: The All-TV Reviews Revue

My God can so kick your god's ass anyday.

Oh, to be young and single and drunk and slightly bored and slightly neurotic and slightly insulting and slightly insane and much more insane and much more idiotic and slightly horny. Slightly horny? Well, if we're telling the truth... I say all these things because that's how the Sunday night became for me and my running mates of rogues about the crazy wind factory of a valley bowl...bowel...correct, bowl.

Sunday night was Family Guy night and it was fitting to have the silent Desert air broken with this sound made by me and my rapscallions. Just click on it. No other words.

Anyways, after review of my DVR of Sunday night's ep Not All Dogs Go to Heaven, I learned that Family Guy still continues to bat below .500 in my book. It was refreshing to see the Star Trek: TNG (that's The Next Generation for those not in the know. God!) cast including Wil WHeaton. (Cool WHip. WHite Stripes. WHoopi Goldberg. A WHile. Stress the 'H.' See how big a douchebag you become.) AnywHays, the ep had Meg with the mumps, Brian officially going atheist, God on a scooter hover craft or some shit, and Rob Lowe and Adam West being "big movie stars." Who knew the whole universe came from their night lamp. Hm.

No, this is not NPH's alleged interracial gay porn, although you wouldn't know that with this shot. Get him big black man!

I caught How I Met Your Mother on its regular time Monday night. I'm glad it ends up number one every Monday night with the 18-34 crowd, because, believe me, advertisers are so dumb to think that's the segment of America that controls spending. Soon, everyone will know that it's actually 8-15 year old kids with Benjamin Button disease controlling the spending. The hell with you. It's Monday, I can write crappy if I want to.

Anyways, the ep called Murtaugh covers Ted's list of things he and Barney are too old for. The list was named after the fabulous Sgt. Roger Murtaugh character played by Danny Glover in the Lethal Weapon movies (still a classic no matter what you think of the Jew-hating Australian in the movie). He would always say "I'm getting too old for this [stuff]." (Stupid TV-14 television show said "stuff." "Shit" never hurt anybody.) Thus, you have the Murtaugh list.

We get Barney trying to challenge Ted on competing lists -- Barney completes the Murtaugh list and Ted completes the anti(?)-Murtaugh list, which is basically everything he's too young to do. For some reason, and I'm being serious here, I believe in the Murtaugh list. Despite my age and despite my calling in life at this moment, which is wanking behind a laptop/computer desk for 8-12 hours a day, I have become more unable to do some of the things I could have done back in the day, mostly involving food. So leave space on my Murtaugh list for eating two whole pizzas and drinking two 2-liters of Coke in one sitting. Also leave some space for "sharting," although who's not too old for shitting in their pants? I think I'm the only one. Shut up, it's Monday, I can write crappy if I want to.

Thus, I mercifully end this blog entry. You may begin losing faith in me.

My God can still kick your god's ass though. Rasberries, bitch!

UPDATE: And You Thought the ShamWow! Guy Got F'd Up

Don't you cross the ShamWow! guy. He'll wipe you clean.

Here's your Catch-22 of the week, ladies and gentlemen. You do a morally questionable thing like hire a "fellatious" woman to play with your male happy parts for one night. (ORIGINAL STORY) You start kissing that woman, and, in return, that woman starts biting down on your tongue so hard that the only way to let her loose is beat the holy hell out of her. Now, we're not talking Rihanna and Chris Brown here. We're talking the f*ckin' ShamWow! guy and a hooker -- a very good looking hooker BTW. (Damn, the ShamWow! guy knows how to pick 'em.) Did the hooker get her upends? Or is Vince Shlomi wrong for beating a woman, no less a hooker? Should the hooker had waited until she got "fellatious?" (Ouch.)

Oh. New pictures of the alleged hooker in question, Sasha Harris, were released over the weekend, obtained by TMZ. (I swear, they must have CIA agents or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles working for them. They can get whatever they want before everyone else can. I so wanna work for them. *sigh*)

One more thing: TMZ says prosecutors dropped felony assault charges against both Shlomi and Harris. Go figure.

They Are Actually Doing This?!

I'm glad the art of porn parodies are alive and well.

**Shakes head**

**Takes sip of morning tea**

**Buries head into hand**

**Closes eyes in agony**

**Looks back up at computer screen, fingers on the keys**

So guess what I found out this morning. They are making a porn spoof of a spoof.

**Head looks down. Shakes head**

**Takes big gulp of tea. Still agonizing**

**Fingers back on keys**

Somehow, I shouldn't be surprised that a porn parody of Scrubs will be made. I've said before that it's one of my favorite shows right now. The cast has been chosen and everything, yet, the cleverly thought out title hasn't been released (heh, released). So...

**Sharp pain goes through head. Agonizing some more**

Why am I "agonizing," you say? I mean, I love a good f*ck picture once and a while but reading the script alone just screams fan fiction rather than professional pornography. And, to my awe-inspiring surprise, someone greenlit fan fiction with a lot of f*cking in it. TMZ, thankfully, highlights all the sex scenes. Just to prime you guys, reading a porn screenplay is not what you think. They put in "sex scene" and whoever is in it without any "particulars" and "specifics." SPOILER ALERT! Have you ever wondered what a three-way between J.D., Elliot, and Turk would look like on Scrubs? Then, wonder no further.

Two things before I close this bitch out: I will not be surprised if the producers of the real show sue for copyright infringement. I bet they will shut this thing down before the first pop shot goes off. And I might have to make re-writes on my Lost fan fiction script. They'll make anything into a porn parody these days.

[Full story from TMZ here and the cast of the real and spoof Scrubs here.]

UPDATE: So they also did a porn parody of The Office with Ashlynn Brooke playing the "titular" (hehe, I was able to write it in. SCORE!) Michael Scott character. Ashlynn used to date Alfonso Ribiero (Carlton dance, anyone?) The VSFW version of the trailer is here.

Cooter Footer: Y Tu Mama Tambien

Diegooo Lunaaa. Diego Luna.

It's past 1:45 a.m. on a Monday morning and I haven't heard the word "fuck" slanged in Spanish so much more than in the movie Y Tu Mama Tambien. For that matter, I didn't really understand what Spanish word was "fuck" in the movie. They talk all so fast! Anyways, with the short 15-20 minutes I've seen in the movie so far, more like the middle of it, I can tell there's a lot of sexual tension between the characters Luisa, Tenoch, and Julio. Of course, Tenoch is played by Diego Luna. And that got me thinking about Will Ferrell's funny ass Broadway show You're Welcome America, which had at least three references to Diego Luna. I don't know in what context it came up in but, f*ck, if it wasn't funny. If you have time this wanking work week, which will include freakin' April Fools' Day, I dare you to watch Y Tu Mama Tambien. You will be thinking "WTF? How come these guys are c*mming way too soon in this old but very attractive chick." I have no idea. I freakin' decided to stay up until 2 a.m. to freakin' write about Y Tu Mama Tambien. That has to tell you what kind of sick son of a bitch I have to be.

Editor's Note: I'm watching this shit on Cinemax with English subtitles. I so was trying to put them shits on here with a YouTube embed but there are no English subtitles, dubbings, or anything. So check your local listings for the next showing. Sorry.

Editor's Note Post Script: Maribel Verdu, who plays Luisa, has to be one hot blooded Latina. (If you didn't get that Gov. Schwarzenegger reference, Google him and former Assemblywoman Bonnie Garcia. It's funny.) Anyways, Verdu is hot. Read more about her here.

Editor's Note Post Post Script: I just realized this movie was directed by Alfonso Cuaron. He made one of my recent favorite movies, Children of Men. If you want ground breaking film direction, Children of Men is the way to go. Who else could make five minute uninterrupted takes and make them into moving picture masterpieces. My God, see Y Tu Mama Tambien and Children of Men. Because you know both Diego Luna and Clive Owen are badasses, except Clive Owen can be a badass in freakin' flip-flop sandals. You still don't know what I'm talking about. GO SEE THESE MOVIES! Ok, I won't bother you again. I promise.

Editor's Note Post Post Post Script: Holy shit! There's a "devil's three-way" in progress. Remember, no eye contact with the other dude. Wait a minute, the dudes are kissing. Ah, dude! No, dude, no! Noooooooo! NOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Now, they just discovered they cornholed each other. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! That's why I should blog AFTER I watch a movie.

Cooter Scooter: Ultra Super Duper Deluxe Sports Edition

If you doubt this man, he'll make you his bitch.

Eldrick Muthaf*uckin' Woods, y'all! So this guy Tiger, I hear he's a good golfer and stuff and won something today -- the Arnold Palmer something or rather at Bay Hill (wherever the hell that is). Apparently, the winner of the tourney wins a lifetime supply of half lemonade, half iced tea drinks. But why want that when there's also a one million dollar check at the end of the day?

Not bad for someone who just had a second child and, most importantly, looked doubtful to be dominant following knee surgery. And who was the poor bastard that had to play the Rocco Mediate role this time around: Sean O'Hair, who blew a 4-stroke lead to Tiger. Tiger, or as I like to call him the black Jesus (you can apply that to just about any black sports figure that can make the impossible possible), sunk a 15-foot birdie putt on the 18th to win the whole muthaf*cka'. Someone's gettin' laid tonight!

You can catch Tiger make a feast out of a loaf of bread and two fish when he's walking on the lake in Augusta, GA for The Masters in two weeks (because that punk muthaf*cka' is too big to do my hometown PGA event, the Shell Houston Open, the week before).

It's just like 1979, except Ervin Johnson was too young and naive to sleep around.

F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! I'm happy for the 6'5" and above college kids who will get to play out their hoop dreams in the Final Four next weekend. The collective of fans from East Lansing, MI, Chapel Hill, NC, Philadelphia, and Storrs, CT will enjoy a good weekend of good ol' Canadian roundball (sidebar: for those not in the know, James Naismith invented basketball at a YMCA in Canada in the 1900's...and that was your little known fact of the day...don't ever say my blog is not educational).

The reason why I say f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! is because I only got one of my Final Four picks correctly (Michigan State). So there will be no 160 taco trophy from Jack in the Box. Freakin' Pittsburgh and Memphis and Syracuse reamed me bad. If you got all the Final Four participants correct, congratualtions and may I wish death upon your first born (you know, in the spirit of Passover. L'chaim!).

Finally, are there any doubts that LeBron has this MVP in hand over Kobe? Hm? Hm? You have doubts? What's that? Kobe's consistent? Is that what you said? Well, jump off Kobe's dick for one second and I'll tell you that Kobe and his great and powerful nutsack of a team can't even beat the Hawks this year. The Lakers were dropped by the red birds 86-76. Kobe scored only 17 in 37 minutes of wanking off. Yes, it took a team effort losing that game.

But there's no doubt that LeBron James is making his team better as he leads his team. The Cavs dropped the Mavs like a bad habit, 102-74, with 'Bron 'Bron dropping 24 points and 12 dimes in only 31 minutes of high-fashioned, intense basketball. Compare, LeBron: 24 points in 31 minutes; Kobe: 17 points in 37 minutes. The Mavs are a tough team. The Hawks are an even tougher team. Sports writers, get your pencils ready to mark LeBron as the '08-'09 MVP

Those Ballsy Bastards Stole My Thunder

I wonder how he masturbates. Yes, I'm concerned for the little guy.

So those bastards at the Modesto Bee in Northern California ran a short blurb on its upcoming festival for, um, testicles. A whole town is participating in it, which is dubbed the Testicle Festival (creative, yay). And if it weren't enough that the town of Oakdale is devoting a whole day to the thing, the freakin' Modesto Bee thinks they can make the facts absurdly hysterical. Damn, Modesto Bee!

The fundraising idea may seem a little nuts, but Oakdale's annual Testicle Festival is always a big hit. On Monday, volunteers with the town's Rotary Club plan to fry up 400 pounds of the private parts of bulls and serve them to diners who pay $50 apiece for the sit-down meal.

The event, whose proceeds also benefit the Oakland Cowboy Museum, has drawn an average of 450 people and last year raised $28,000.

It's common practice on cattle ranches for young male bovines to be castrated into steers, which after the initial loss, eventually makes them more docile and easier to handle. Fans of the delicacy, also referred to as "mountain oysters," come from around the state.

According to Rotarians, everyone who buys a ticket is guaranteed to "have a ball." [Modesto Bee/AP]

No ball or testicle puns or epitaphs on my part. Considering I still have mine and a bunch of male cows had theirs removed just to feed a whole town of sick sadistic gourmets just says anybody will/could eat anything. See, my balls are shaking now because they're scared. Don't worry fellas. Nobody's gonna take me away from you. I do wonder, though. How would my balls taste in a connoisseurs mouth. I have no basis for comparison or what not but in the right context, my balls will taste delicious! (Um, ew!)

Gangsta Reggae Groove with Your Coffee?

Soldier Jim Fal Live
by yardie4lifever2

I've already explained the douchebaggery of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. His monologue is full of dry jokes that he knows won't illicit jams of laughter but he says them anyways. And at times, he's so awkward towards his guests. I come out of it listening to his damn laughter in my head. Get it out of me! GET IT OUT OF ME! I keep wondering why I save his shows on my DVR. Gr! Then, I realized he might have a very hot blonde on the program or a kick-ass musical guests once and a while.

Well, Big Macs be damned because Pharrell and Co. provided some reggae, electrobeat groove with the premier of their song "Soldier." It's a f*ckin' riotous song and I suggest you take a listen. And make sure you're sparkin' the blaze and slappin' the bass, con boy! (Imagine a Jamaican accent...**shakes head in utter embarrassment**)

One More to Grow On...

This image is freakin' adorable. What more can you want from two kids - one, a white girl with fish in hand, and the other, a little black boy with the most priceless look you could ever get from a child of color (of course, that's if you're not in West Africa. Facial expressions definitely change when Madonna's in town).

The picture also tells a story of childhood naivety...or early stages of "not trusting whitey." Enjoy.

[TSS]

It's Not About Butthole Pleasures

It's not about the Rusty Trombone or the Dirty Sanchez or shit-stained balls.

I saw The 40-Year-Old Virgin last night on Bravo, of all channels, and I forgot how funny this particular scene was. It didn't feel right with all the censoring in the network television version so I thought I could resurrect the true version here. Remember, life is all about love and passion and not about cockrings and pearl necklaces and Hot Carls and Cincinnati Bowties.

Cooter Scooter: Funny/Weird Sh*t Edition

This is literally what I'm doing right now as I post this. Although, why am I peeing sitting down?

You should know how this works. I steal shit from YouTube, regurgitate it for my site, and give you a play-by-play analysis of it. Fair enough?

If you're already sick of Katy Perry, and Lord knows you are, but you still like her music, then don't fear because this clip is the best alternative to your Katy Perry-ness.

This instrumental quartet is called Los Colorados and they are from the Ukraine (Eastern European band with Spanish name? The f*ck?) They perform a rendition of "Hot 'N Cold" but without the Katy Perry floppiness and with the added flavor of an accordion. (I'm too lazy so enter your own Urkel reference here.) The true magic here is when they start singing. You gotta love heavy Russian accents.

In the "Things That Seem Inappropriate But Not" department, the Pull-Ups brand of diapers released a two-minute vid on the "Potty Dance." You know, the awkward and seemingly necessary dance when you're ready to burst. Basically, a kid needs to go potty then suddenly a black guy starts emceeing and shit and, there you have it, we have the 2009 Cha Cha Slide with the added bonus of urination and defecation involved. This is what happens when rap enters suburbia...

Finally, there are no words to describe the 11 seconds of glory and passion that this clip provides. Just watch it.

High-Fives, That's a Paddlin'

(Editor's Note: I'm so f'n hungover right now. It's amazing that I still can write with the frame of mind that I'm in. I'm also in a range of emotions right now. You know, euphoric, drunk, angry, drunk, hazy, drunk, belligerent, drunk, slackish, drunk. You know, "the classics.")

Paddlin' the school boat. You know that's a paddlin'.

I didn't know Connecticut was part of Nazi Germany. Well, to be fair, at least one school in the Nutmeg State (very fruity nickname, BTW) is instituting some rigid rules and punishments about kids touching each other. Because, of course, that's the most illegal touch of all. Forget teachers touching students because that never happens. F*ck, I'm in a tangent right now. Focus. Focus.

(**takes beer shotgun**)

Ok, better.

According to WFSB, a Milford, CT middle school instituted a no-touching policy among its students, which means no high-fives, no hugs, no adolescent experimentation (y'know what I'm talking about, or maybe not. I peaked early in my sexual upbringing). You do that, you go to detention. The policy was instated after fights sparked at the school including one in which someone was punched in the groin (nice).

Surprisingly, I'm all for it. Those little bastards brought it upon themselves with these thuggish high-fives and raunchy, innocent-looking hugs. This is Connecticut, for God sakes, not Brooklyn or hippy-ass Washington or Oregon. You got more sense than to make adolescent cuddles or black fraternity-style handshakes. Childhood is rough, you little twits, and high school will get rougher. Before you know it, you're passed out at a party and the next morning you got writing on your torso with an arrow pointing down at your pelvis with the words "Got Herpes." I'm not the only one, right? Right?!

You Know How I Know You're Gay?

John's short bottoms are two to four inches away from revealing his Mayer. (I know, corny.)

John Mayer, man, this is the last straw. I know you dated a hot chick like Jennifer Aniston and then threw her away like yesterday's tampons. But shit like this makes you and me look bad. If it weren't enough that I sang heartfelt renditions of "Your Body is a Wonderland" and "Bigger Than My Body" to a drunk chick once, you go and pull shit like this. Ridiculous. This is not forgivable. In fact, if I didn't know better, you're preparing to slap nuts with the dudes on Arenas Road during White Party Weekend. Or make a naval spectacle on Castro Street in SF.

You are freakin' unbelievable, man. Make sure you steer the boat right when you're on the S.S. Queen Mary, Heyyyy Girl! out on the water.

[Socialite Life/Splash News/Pacific Coast News Online]

Hey, That ShamWow F*cker Fought a Hooker

Vince bought what the hooker was selling...

Vince Shlomi, you know, that muthaf*cka that sells you on super absorbant wash clothes called the ShamWow!, ShamPowed! a hooker, allegedly, in Miami. Get it? ShamPowed? Eh? Eh? Eh?

According to police records obtained by The Smoking Gun (I actually love that site -- check out the celebrity mugshots), Mr. Shlomi began kissing the hooker when she allegedly "bit his tongue and would not let go." It sounds like Shlomi is a rookie in the hooker game. Word of advice: YOU NEVER KISS THE WOMAN THAT YOU PAY TO SUCK YOUR C*CK! Is there nothing dignified about that simple concept? F*ck!

Then...

According to cops, Shlomi then punched the prostitute several times until she released his tongue. Both the prostitute and Shlomi were arrested for felony aggravated battery. [TMZ]

So Vince likes the company of hookers. But hookers don't share the same feeling. I wonder how that conversation went when Vince solicited the female hooker.

Vince: Hi! I'm Vince from ShamWow! Here to offer you the chance of a lifetime -- by going down on a semi-celebrity...

Hooker: Yeah...

Vince: Wait, let me finish. Because what I have here is American-made, well-experienced seven inches of pleasure that I believe will help you on the way to success.

Hooker: I've had bigger. But yeah...

Vince: Hold on there because I haven't told you the half of what I have to offer you. Included in this package is my cock, my two balls, and the f*ckin' time of your life. I've given hookers orgasms before and I'm here to give you the best orgasm of all time for a very low, low price.

Hooker: Look, little man. Ain't nobody given me an actual orgasm while I fuck 'em on the job. I just boom-boom, get paid, that's it. If that's all you have to say then, let's go.

Vince: Still not finished! Because if you act now, I get to put it in your "corner pocket." That's right, we will be f*ckin' your armpit right now, no charge! That means you not only get one but two messes on your body...or in it!

Hooker stares in disgust.

Vince: Of course, we'll need to act now because I don't get up that easily. Unless, you're willing to make out with me. French kisses turn me on no matter what. You know, Germany invaded France and you know the best stuff comes from Germany.

Where the Hell Did My Post-Its Go?

Seriously, where the hell did they go? Who has them? They went where?!

[FunnyHub]

Willie Aames is 48 and Broke

I'll take Willie Aames for the block!

All those Charles in Charge and Eight is Enough residual checks can only last so long. Casualty of the '80s, er, I mean, former dignified TV actor Willie Aames turned to selling memorabilia and other things at his Kansas home yesterday to pay off outstanding debt. I guess cocaine was valued at $10,000 a gram back in the '80s. Aames, who played Scott Baio's sidekick on Charles, also tried to sell some things that will definitely sell at a Michael Jackson garage sale.

Other items up for grabs included a plush leather couch, artwork, a piano, a lion head mounted on an oak pedestal, stuffed wild boars and a TV set. [Kansas City Star]

I actually feel bad for the Aameser. The dude is a born-again Christian who kicked his drug and alcohol addiction in the '90s. He also battled the bulge -- remember him on VH1's Celebrity Fit Club? He also tried killing himself last year when he declared bankruptcy and after his wife of over two decades left him. Shit's all fucked up for Willie. There's nothing that can cheer this situation up. Wait, maybe there is...

If that shit don't cheer you up, then you have no heart for great '80s television, you devil person!

"Monsters vs. Aliens" is Not What You Think

Bob is a "one-eyed monster."

This first part is devoted to the misconception of Monsters vs. Aliens, the new Dreamworks Animation flick that doesn't have Jack Black in it (f*ckin' panda). We'll start with Bob, the cute cuddly emorphous blob you see in the picture. He is one of the monsters. He has just one eye. And he can talk. No, he is not a penis. I repeat, he is not a penis that talks. Even though, when the concept of "one-eyed monster" comes up, you could easily think that Bob is a penis. Bob is not a penis, at least that's not what the trailer and the number of reviews I've read or the IMDb synopsis says. Strangely enough, Bob is voiced by Seth Rogen. Now, that guy is a penis. More like a dick. But a very relevent dick because he makes all these movies that I think are cool. He's a movie making dick, alright got it.

Also, the title Monsters vs. Aliens does not describe a face off between the creatures of the Alien vs. Predator movies. The title also does not refer to the times I have sex. Yes, my member can be referred to as the "monster", or the "predator" for that matter, while I make war with the ugly, stinky, much complicated female "alien." (Depending on how your girl likes it, the "alien" is up to your imagination.) So no, Monsters vs. Aliens does not refer to male and female genitalia, just to clear things up.

Now that we got that out of the way, Monsters vs. Aliens is a movie. Just a movie.

HTF Am I Not Mixed Up in Spring Break?

SPRING BREAK! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Topping headlines in the daily news that I call "my depressing life," I'm realizing that I'm sorely missing out on some spring break mystery women. Mystery meaning that the touristy coeds who sorely wanted to "eat the worm" in Tijuana are mysteriously entering my dirtbag desert of a town. I'm not really sure when Spring Break lasts. Last time I checked, it was a weeklong. College was so long ago. Anyways, I realized I'm missing out when I saw these pictures from a competing site. This shit is happening just down the road from my house. HTF? WTF?

I have only myself to blame. I do put career over everything else, but if my career was hollerin' at bitches by poolside while laying out in the sun while drinking Captain Morgan all day then, f*cks yeah, I'll definitely put career over everything else. But alas, I do not.

To make my point clear, here's what freakin' CBS News did on spring break in this town o' mine.

Watch CBS Videos Online

Salmin Rushdie, You Fail

The title should not throw you off as my personal fatwa against the acclaimed author of The Satanic Verses. But he was married to the woman licking the sauce off of her body -- sweet lustrous, glistening tan body wearing a low cut dress showing her ever supple bosom that I would love to cup and carress all mightily but with gentile affection. My God, this woman just got 10,000 times hotter.

(**15 minute break to wipe down computer table with Scotch Guard and Purell**)

Ok. As I pull my pants up, I shall give you this tidbit -- Ms. Padma Lakshmi, "acclaimed food critic," loves her some Carl's Jr. six dollar burgers. And if it weren't enough that she's not at all hard on the eyes (heh, hard on, you damn right, hard on), she definitely scored a victory for this "I'm tempting you to buy this hunk of meat while I rub it all over my hot body" campaign the fast food chain is running. Remember Paris Hilton flopping wet in a swimsuit? Well, we didn't like it because she was a whore and no one liked her.

But bravo, Ms. Lakshmi. Bravo! I should definitely put this on repeat. (I shouldn't though. I'm running out of deep penetrating 409.)

The Cooter Primer for the Weekend: 21st Century Indie Trip-Hop Strip Club Music

La Roux: "red-haired one"

To cap off a week full of police meshagosh and cat-throwing, I thought I'd trip your mind for a bit. The Cooter Primer for the Weekend comes from the English trip-hop "synth duo" La Roux, which is comprised of co-producer Ben Langmaid and singer/synth player Elly Jackson. Elly seems to be the face of the group so nothing but Eurythmics vibes come to mind when looking at La Roux. (Who's the other dude in the Eurythmics besides Annie Lennox? Hm? Thought so.)

I chose the Skream remix of "In For the Kill," the second single off the album of the same name, which came out last Tuesday. When listening to this song one thing came to my mind: lap dances. My God, this song has the beat and rhythm and the seedy but pleasurable ambience that could illicit a nice and slow strip dance from a nice, slinky moving little number named Sparkle. And if you're not thinking that, then just play this somewhere, volume and bass turned up, and start straddling a chair. You too fellas.

Marijuana Will Not Be Legalized, My Black President Says

Well, there goes my question. Mr. Obama cleared the air and the marijuana smoke about reefer legalization by giving a gentle but profound 'no' to it during today's interactive town hall meeting. It was actually among the most asked questions by the internet community. Mr. President, yes, it does say something about the people on the interwebs. We are judgmental stoners who blog, play World of Warcraft, and look at porn all day. (Guess which two of the three I do constantly.)

This whole black president thing may be backfiring. Did we make the right decision? Stay tuned.

How to Make that 'Pulp Fiction' Dialogue Easy to Remember

I first saw this bit over two years ago but I figure it would be a cool time to deploy it. It's basically Meatwad and Brak from Adult Swim using a paper towel tube and a Granny Smith apple to re-enact the breakfast scene between Jules and Brett from Pulp Fiction. As per usual, I will not bore you with how this movie is my favorite and duh da duh da duh. I think this clip captures the emotion of the scene and will come essential for you acting students. It will also show how a bite of an apple still works for a gunshot. Enjoy!

For My Next Trick...

An actual king he is not, despite being nicknamed "King James." The king of the Jews he is not either, but, oh my LeBron, did he ever make half-court shots easy.

During an interview for 60 Minutes, he lobbed a ball one-handed, granny style, made it, and acted like it was just another day at the office. Check out 60 Minutes next week when he cures leprosy, blindness, and turns water into Powerade.

Surprise, Muthaf*cka!

(Spoiler Alert!) Ozymandias didn't kill The Comedian. A four-year old lie did!

Ahhhhhhh. I love spoiling movies for you. It's your fault that you haven't seen Watchmen and you're reading this. You fail.

Speaking of fail, Mr. The Comedian himself can now claim a dependent on his 1090. An ex of his sprung him with the biggest trap in the history of all man.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan discovered he’s the father of an ex-girlfriend’s four year old son.

The 42-year-old met his child for the first time just weeks ago, after discovering his actress/producer ex Sherrie Rose had given birth in secret. Rose confirms to Us Weekly magazine, “Yes, I have a four year old son with Jeffrey.”

And Morgan is ready to make amends for his absence in the boy’s early years, with a source telling the magazine, “He wants to be in the child’s life.” [ICYDK]

Morgan's camp has not confirmed about the newly discovered spawn. Still, you gotta feel for this guy. To be sprung up with news that you fathered a living breathing thing just derails you. It's like man's version of rape. You're attacked by a vicious thing like this and now you're expected to live with it forever. My God! Bail, Comedian! Bail!

My Cock is Really Confused

Photoshop at its worst.

You read it right. My cock Cornelius is really confused.

He woke me up in the middle of the night, pecking his beak through my blanket. I thought I had a wonderful dream. Then, "Corny," as I like to call him, wanted to interrupt me.

I asked, "What the hell do you think you're doing, Cornelius?"

Then, he just stared at me with his head all high with that same smug disposition he has during these odd hours of the night.

Cornelius, then, pecked at my hand with his beak and let out a crow. "ERRRrrrr!," he roared.

I tried to shut him up with shushes and "be quiets" but Cornelius wanted something. I wasn't sure what that was.

Corny, then, flapped his wings, landed on the night stand adjacent, and pecked his beak on the television controller on the night stand. The blaring of the TV filled the empty room as Corny and I stared at a television program.

It was apparently a late night television program with a talking, standing tool. I couldn't make out what he was saying but he kept making these incoherent statements like "shorts are short and pants are long."

There was also a woman on the program. A beautiful blonde young woman no older than 25 with flowing blonde locks, a low cut skirt dress, and ample breasts. She was the kind of woman who you swore was an athlete once but decided to make due looking beautiful instead.

Cornelius stared at the flashing images, twisting his head. Upon looking at the program, Cornelius let out a loud call, louder than ever before. And it became repetitve, almost as if a seizure was happening. All I could do was stare as my spastic cock became unruly.

I stared back at the TV and then back to my cock and then back to my TV. What the hell was so interesting, I thought. "This guy is not funny at all," I said. "I don't like him one bit. There's no charisma!"

All I could see was the male host pretending to be funny while the charming blonde made efforts to look adorable and cute. It was mind-boggling to me.

I decided to end the noise being made by clutching the remote control from my cock and turning off the TV.

"Never again, Corny," I told him as I slapped my cock on the head.

What Cornelius and I watched last night:

Buggy Baby Bucky Bumpers (aka Some Weird Sh*t)

Words cannot describe how awkwardly funny, or is that funnily awkard, this picture is.

I will say that this was not taken in America (because I believe, no matter the intention, you face child negligence charges for this in the States) and the story behind it is pretty smart.

[Thanks, Reuters/ABC]

Making an "Ass" Out of the Kardashians

I actually know the "name" of that actress. Kinda tells you what I'm into.

In "Sh*t That You Definitely Saw Coming" news (heh, coming), Hustler Entertainment is set to release (heh, release, heheh) a pornographic film spoofing the reality TV show "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" (heh, keeping up, heheheh). The film's title is no surprise: "Keeping it Up for the KardASSians."

Of course, at least one Kardashian (Kim, the one who puts the "ass" in the family name) has tackled pornographic controversy. And now that the Kardashians are collectively affected by the adult film community, it was fitting for them to be upset over it.

Sources tell TMZ the entire Kardashian family is "taking legal action" against Hustler Entertainment after learning about the XXX spoof of their reality show.

We're also told the people at E! Entertainment are also considering their legal options -- it might be because the signature "whistly theme song" in the porno sounds awfully similar to the one in the show. [TMZ]

Apparently, the trailer (which you can see clicking here -- I'm not embedding that sh*t...I ain't getting flagged today) spoofs everything the girls do on the show, except that their using some porn angles with the girls. There's evidence of girl-on-girl (because "Khloe" suddenly has the craving for carpet) and MILF action (because the mother Kris had to have a "role" in the thing and, let's face it, when someone like her is responsible for making two hot daughters and, amazingly, a cow, then she deserves a role). I actually have nothing further to say because the real comedy is in how these bitches got the real show to begin with. I laugh out of pity.

Pig Oinks It Out with NFL Player as Player's Mother-In-Law Dies

Cops this boneheaded and unsympathetic exist only in the movies? Right?

Houston Texans running back Ryan Moats was kept from seeing his dying mother-in-law at a Dallas-area hospital last week after a police officer pulled him over for running a red light. Of course, if this were Super Troopers or Police Academy, all of this would be funny and everybody would leave laughing. But, sadly none of that happened. From WFAA:

Dashcam video from the Dallas officer’s patrol car captured the incident.

“Get in there,” Officer Powell yelled out to Tamishia Moats, Ryan’s wife, as she exited the car. “Let me see your hands. Get in there. Put your hands on the car.”

“Excuse me, my mom is dying,” Moats said.

Moats and the other woman ignored Officer Powell’s commands and rushed inside the hospital to see her mother.

At this point, Moats' wife and friend are already in there and all is forgotten, right? Oh, yeah, we're dealing with a cop.

“I’ve got seconds before she’s gone, man,” Moats said to the officer.

“Shut your mouth,” the officer said. “Shut your mouth. You can either settle down and cooperate or I can just take you to jail for running a red light.”

The clash shocked Moats.

“For him to not even be sympathetic at all, and basically we’re dogs or something and we don’t matter, it basically shocked me,” Moats said.

“I can screw you over,” Officer Powell said. “I would rather not do that. You obviously will dictate everything that happens; and right now, your attitude sucks.”

"No. You're attitude sucks," is what I would have said before the great and powerful Officer Powell tases me. "Don't tase me, bro" is what I would obviously quip next while the surge of electricity goes through my body.

Needless to say, Moats never got to say good-bye to his mother-in law. The good officer, according to WFAA, was reassigned to dispatch division, which is the "Farva job," pending an investigation.

Here's what I hate but nothing will change of it: cops are immutable gods. They are authority and if you step to them no matter how much, they will sodomize you with a plunger for your troubles. A plunger for an f'n speeding ticket, sir? I, of course, don't mean to generalize. I know some are good cops. Some know the difference between what's good and bad. But Officer Powell of Plano PD, the cops who shot Diallo 37 times in New York, and the cops who shot a tripped-out hippy on the streets last month make policing as a whole a generalization and stereotype of power-hungry gods that will strike you down if you stare at them wrong. At least, you can flip them the bird without any trouble.

Cops, keep the abuse of police power in the movies!

'PR's' Kenley Responds to Cat-Throwing Incident (B*tch Still Crazy)

In between all the meetings and duties of my actual job, I still spend my time to make you idolize me. Now, idolize, dammit! Idolize!

Do not believe a thing this bitch says.

You have to admit one thing. Without Project Runway on-the-air and in limbo, Ms. Kenley Collins definitely keeps that show culturally relevant. (Although, I'm still dumbfounded as to how Mr. Acid-burned face Seal reeled in Heidi Klum. It's amongst the biggest puzzles I have yet to form.)

So Kenley is responding to the infamous cat throwing incident against her ex-boyfriend, which Kenley herself calls a regular Tuesday morning. (ORIGINAL STORY) She tells EW.com exclusively (f*ck, do I ever hate Entertainment Weekly) that she "gently" tossed her cat on the ex's bed during an argument. And, oh yeah, she viciously threw a laptop computer, apples, and "some" water. Out of this, she finagled her way to downgrading her arrest charges connected to the alleged tantrum from felony assault to misdemeanor assault (AP says anyways).

Bottom line: no pussy...cat is safe from this delusional bitch. No $2,500 MacBook Pro is either. And until Ms. Collins finds me and puts me in a knee brace/neck brace/iron lung/cock cast, then I have no problem tearing this pussy...cat-throwing chick down.

Oh, f*ck! Did I just goad this bitch into finding me?

Here's Kenley during the season five finale:

F*ck! Why Am I the Last One to Spout Out About This?!

Hey. HEY! This chick is 16, dammit. I'm not a f'n teen porn site. Unless it's barely legal.

As much as I like the superficial enthusiasm for Dancing with the Stars, I admit that nothing interesting ever comes to that show. At the end, we'll get some former boy bander who unsurprisingly will win it all or an athlete that surprisingly will win it all. So with that said, one of the athletes currently on the show so totally was almost killed this week by a guy who said she was communicating with him through the TV. No, really.

Robert O'Ryan claims he was meant to be with Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson, one of the celebrity contestants on the show.

When police arrested him, he had two loaded guns.

O'Ryan left his home in Florida and drove across the country because he says Shawn Johnson is speaking to him personally through the television and using ESP to communicate with him.

Johnson's mother went to court and filed a restraining order against O'Ryan.

Police say he is dangerous. [CNS/KESQ]

Hm. The story goes on to say that O'Ryan was found with the "classic" kidnapping equipment. You know, duct tape, rope, honey, jar of ants, the works.

I swear, it's pricks like O'Ryan that ruin it for other guys like me who just wanna holla at a gymnast chick like Shawn Johnson, who is, mind you, 16 freakin' years old! You know, holla at bitches with out the emotional baggage that comes along with it, like, oh say, pretending that your communicating with people through television! And the 16-year-old thing actually doesn't phase me. I knew a whole slew of chicks back in middle school (14, 15 year olds) going with some really old dudes (21, 28, 35). That's what I hated back then, shit like that. But now I'm that age range. Victory for me. Gotta love girls with daddy issues.

ADDENDUM: Here's Shawn with the Hamm twins (I swear they're poking each other) trying to make their tacos pop. No, really.

My God, Fox News is Dumb

Yesterday, I posted video of forthright Canadian mental case Tom Green in an expletive-laden outburst against Fox News and Red Eye moderator Greg Gutfeld. (ORIGINAL STORY) Green's tirade was in response to Gutfeld and a panel of "young, edgy, patriotic conservatives" essentially reaming Canada for making plans on scaling back its forces from Afghanistan. Gutfeld even questioned whether Canada had an actual military. Bottom line, the panel lashed at Canada for depending on the U.S. while "terrorism" still exists. Here is the video with that segment from Red Eye:

The way the Red Eye panel (do I even call them political and journalistic aficionados?) reamed Canada without knowing a single shred of fact about the country and apparently going on stereotype to make a satrically-sounding point is f'n bullshit. I'm not saying this to make this an all anti-Fox News rhetoric but to think you know everything there is about Canada and then dismiss them as cowards and deserters is simply hiding behind the fact that your knowledge of everything is lacking. And I hate it when they say that terrorism is still rampant because they rely on the government to know that terrorist attacks happen. Open your eyes to the Middle East and see for yourself what's happening. It's far worse than you could possibly imagine. And American's are not always the primary target. Iraqis are killing their own. What are we going to do about the innocent people dying? We don't do shit for these people yet you "panelist" sit there on your high horse and ream Canada for taking an economical-induced break from fighting? That's like a bully making fun of a kid who farts in public when every freaking person by nature moves their bowels. Half of America can't afford to feed themselves yet you talk about spending $500 billion more on the fighting over there just to stem terrorism hundreds of thousands of miles away? Spend the money here. And if you're going to spend the money on terrorism, spend it on stopping homegrown terrorism and lend some of that money to protect the borders and replenish the armies that Canada and Mexico don't have.

Tom Green deserved to be pissed at these guys. It's jerk offs like them who make other Americans look so GD stupid.

I hate being political on a comedy news blog. I need to smoke. Uh. Oh, yeah, legalize reefer! All reefer, man.

This is Really News? College Goes for Phone Booth Cramming Record

I wonder what happens if the phone rings once everybody's in.

In continuing a tradition that looks promising in premise but total fail in execution, the folks at St. Mary's College near the SoCal coast tried to break the record for most people inside a phone booth at the same time. I'm too lazy to explain so I'll let the AP take this one:

Twenty-two students at St. Mary's College of California have done something their predecessors famously did 50 years ago: cram into a phone booth. Teams competed to fit as many bodies as possible into a phone booth on the campus green Wednesday, a half-century after Life magazine published a now-famous photograph of 22 St. Mary's students stuffed into a phone booth, a popular college stunt in the 1950s.

Current students matched the number in the 1959 image, though they failed to break the campus record of 24 set in 1984.

St. Mary's officials say a South African team set the world record of 25 set in 1958.

When I say "promising in premise," I mean changing the idea up a bit. For instance, getting nothing but coeds in bikinis and cramming them into a Volkswagen. Or maybe dwarfs in clown suits and cramming them into a coffin. Or neuter-less golden retrievers inside a dog house. Or they could make the stunt interesting with all of them wearing blindfolds and playing "Who's in My Mouth" while they're in there. The possibilities are endless.