Heels-Spartans...Who Do You Got?

Either way, we all win.

My God! You can't help but root for this National Championship game coming up this Monday at Ford Field in Detroit. North Carolina produced a Whacking Day-like...whacking of Villanova, fulfilling half of the prophecy that with at least seven Big East teams in the Tourney, none of them was up to snuff to win the whole enchilada. (Heels over 'Nova in the Nat'l Semis, 83-69.)

In the other Big East wank fest, Michigan State played behind a Spartan-centric crowd (Ford Field is located within 45 minutes from East Lansing) and the aura that the Big Ten is no conference to fuck with (seriously) by dismissing the mighty UConn Huskies, 82-73, in the other Nat'l Semifinal.

So we get a rematch of the same two teams from the Dec. 3, 2008 matchup that also took place at Ford Field. UNC dispatched the Spartans in a 30-point thrashing. Still, it's the Big Ten vs. the ACC. (Holy shit! You never saw that coming. If you predicted an all Big East Final Four, then you were smoking something or your so-called radar for college basketball got busted...don't worry, Dick Vitale, Digger Phelp, Jay Bilas, and Hubert Davis led me astray as well.) But I figure no matter who was in the final, whether it be a wankfest between the Duke Blue Devils and the New York Fashion Institute of Technology (MAKE IT WOOOORK!), then you'd still be drinking, pretending to know that the Tar Heels will make you beat them from the perimeter, and beating your girlfriend for going against you just because it would make you mad...HAHA.

Oh, yeah, we got like hot girls from the Final Four teams from Gunaxin. God bless coeds!

Cooter Scooter: Ultra Super Duper Deluxe Sports Edition

If you doubt this man, he'll make you his bitch.

Eldrick Muthaf*uckin' Woods, y'all! So this guy Tiger, I hear he's a good golfer and stuff and won something today -- the Arnold Palmer something or rather at Bay Hill (wherever the hell that is). Apparently, the winner of the tourney wins a lifetime supply of half lemonade, half iced tea drinks. But why want that when there's also a one million dollar check at the end of the day?

Not bad for someone who just had a second child and, most importantly, looked doubtful to be dominant following knee surgery. And who was the poor bastard that had to play the Rocco Mediate role this time around: Sean O'Hair, who blew a 4-stroke lead to Tiger. Tiger, or as I like to call him the black Jesus (you can apply that to just about any black sports figure that can make the impossible possible), sunk a 15-foot birdie putt on the 18th to win the whole muthaf*cka'. Someone's gettin' laid tonight!

You can catch Tiger make a feast out of a loaf of bread and two fish when he's walking on the lake in Augusta, GA for The Masters in two weeks (because that punk muthaf*cka' is too big to do my hometown PGA event, the Shell Houston Open, the week before).

It's just like 1979, except Ervin Johnson was too young and naive to sleep around.

F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! I'm happy for the 6'5" and above college kids who will get to play out their hoop dreams in the Final Four next weekend. The collective of fans from East Lansing, MI, Chapel Hill, NC, Philadelphia, and Storrs, CT will enjoy a good weekend of good ol' Canadian roundball (sidebar: for those not in the know, James Naismith invented basketball at a YMCA in Canada in the 1900's...and that was your little known fact of the day...don't ever say my blog is not educational).

The reason why I say f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! is because I only got one of my Final Four picks correctly (Michigan State). So there will be no 160 taco trophy from Jack in the Box. Freakin' Pittsburgh and Memphis and Syracuse reamed me bad. If you got all the Final Four participants correct, congratualtions and may I wish death upon your first born (you know, in the spirit of Passover. L'chaim!).

Finally, are there any doubts that LeBron has this MVP in hand over Kobe? Hm? Hm? You have doubts? What's that? Kobe's consistent? Is that what you said? Well, jump off Kobe's dick for one second and I'll tell you that Kobe and his great and powerful nutsack of a team can't even beat the Hawks this year. The Lakers were dropped by the red birds 86-76. Kobe scored only 17 in 37 minutes of wanking off. Yes, it took a team effort losing that game.

But there's no doubt that LeBron James is making his team better as he leads his team. The Cavs dropped the Mavs like a bad habit, 102-74, with 'Bron 'Bron dropping 24 points and 12 dimes in only 31 minutes of high-fashioned, intense basketball. Compare, LeBron: 24 points in 31 minutes; Kobe: 17 points in 37 minutes. The Mavs are a tough team. The Hawks are an even tougher team. Sports writers, get your pencils ready to mark LeBron as the '08-'09 MVP

Cooter Scooter: Sports Edition

The obligatory sports posting. Enjoy...and suffer.

Ah, yes. It's like 1994 all over again, except that my balls have already dropped. The Houston Rockets provided some good "we're-better-than-the-Spurs" fodder when they were actually better than the Spurs Sunday. The Rox capped off an 87-85 victory with back-to-back plays that involved Yao Ming from the top of the key passing to Luis Scola for an easy deuce (because making and "taking a deuce" are two hard things). Who sits down to watch a whole NBA game? Here's the last seconds of the juicy victory. VICTORY!:

I'm not so brash about my love for my hometown team given that I live on the West Coast and everybody here is a freakin' ringer for the Lakers and Raiders (WhyTF are there so many Hispanic Raiders fans?) and I'm probably sure if somebody did read this I'd get a jail house shanking right in front of a Starbucks. But Lakers, you've been warned. My Rox are coming after that West title. Kobe what? Kobe my balls, bitch!

Wait. Do you hear that? It's the sound of pieces of paper that had brackets on them being shredded apart. 16 teams are left in the NCAA Men's Tourney. Not many big upsets except for Arizona...number freakin' 12 Arizona. A team that looked like they were going to throw that Lute Olsen good bye party a little early this week is in the Sweet Sixteen. Good news, though, I'm still in the hunt to win this office pool puppy. Bad news, I just pissed off a bunch of Lakers, Raiders, and now, Arizona fans. My life could end by the end of this post provided I don't piss off another segmented group of super fans.

Tennessee, Volunteer yo' ass out this dance immediately. As a condition to my female sensitivity class at the Learning Annex (I got your female sensitivity right here), I have to add something about the ladies' NCAA tournament. And lo and behold, something good. Pat Summitt is taking an early trip home after her number 5 Lady Vols were beat in the opening round against #12 Ball State (WTF? Wasn't there like a hippy killing there once?). I point this out because Tennessee women's basketball is a dynasty, save for Connecticut women's basketball. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. They were always dominant because they could replenish their team through recruiting. They were able to bring in Chimique Holdsclaw and fine ass Candace Parker on to the team (really? I'm actually writing something on women's basketball?) over all these years. But the Vols were only able to recruit [generic inner city basketball player with cornrows]. I figure this much would happen after the Men's varsity team would give up the ghost against freakin' OK State. You f'n kidding me?!

And, thus, ends the sports post. God, I feel icky.

Cooter Scooter: Weekend Edition

You didn't do all that work this week for nothing. That's unless you have no job and you did nothing but smoke weed and drink. If that's the case, you didn't outsmoke your friends and stand on that keg all week for nothing...

Weirdly enough, I've been spooned in this same exact manner this week. St. Patrick's Day was a mutha'.

I Love You, Man - Judd Apatow knows what he's doing. I repeat. Judd Apatow knows what he's doing. With I Love You, we get the same over the top, bathroom humor that we are accustomed to with the Apatow universe of movies. Of course, you can put dialog like that on any premise of a movie like a man having cancer and it will work.

The sticking force to this picture are the two leading men who apparently "love" each other in this movie, no insertion needed. I don't have to gush to you how good Jason Segal is as a comedic actor. He is on one of my favorite shows after all. Oh, yeah Paul Rudd's there too.

Just prepare to have your sense of comedy insulted and your vocabulary exponentially expanded. Holy catchphrases, nobody!

Battlestar Galactica: The Finale - Everytime I read Entertainment Weekly or EW.com, I read up on some sh*t that the writers feel like we should have knowledge in. And whenever that happens, I get this twinge in my skull of annoyance because apparently EW thinks they know what everybody should watch, read, or hear. It's that kind of peer pressure that got me to start watching Lost.

So you have to imagine my ire of the repetition that goes on over Battlestar Galactica. Battlestar this. Battlestar that. Cylons this. Cylons that. Who's a Cylon? What's a Cylon? Why a Cylon? ¿Donde eston un Cylon? Starbuck, the President of the Galactic Nations, Commander Adama. I understand the show has gone past its science-fiction feel and has evolved as a drama. But I do...not...care! I don't care if the writers at EW keep pitching this show for an Emmy. I won't even care if they have a story line that includes the first and only hardcore bukkake scene on national television (maybe, German national television).

With that said, Battlestar is, like, going off the air and such. All that ranting for nothing, huh?

NCAA Tournament - I will not pretend to know everything about every school in the tournament right now. I just love seeing the sick sports bastards (everyday people like you and me) when they know the starting two guard for the Robert Morris University basketball team, for example. They know nothing! NOTHING!

I will say though this is the best part of the year: flowers are blooming, women are ovulating and undersexed from the winter blues, and the psychological condition called March Madness takes affect. Enjoy your games this weekend. And if you think you know everything there is about the Morehead State University Eagles, then you, sir, are a liar! A big, stinking, f*ckin' LIAR!

UPDATE: Apparently, Judd Apatow had nothing to do with I Love You, Man. I coulda swore that that was the case. I'll just say, just to make sure I gets my ducks in a row, having both Jason Segal and Paul Rudd in this movie will confuse muthaf'ers. Shows you how much I "fact-check."