Going to Wal-Mart Might Kill You

Great products. Low prices. And a deadly shanking by a wide-eyed gang trainee named Skee-Lo.

I have had some good times at Wal-Mart. It's the only place where you can get cans of Chef Boyardee, nitrous oxide canisters, a tube of lubricant (because why by condoms?), and a car battery at 3:45 in the middle of the night. Of course, there's also that memory of when I donkey punched that chick working at the jewelry counter, but that like, most of the misguided things in my life, are just a memory.

Oh look, Wal-Mart wants to dispel a rumor:

Concerned residents have been calling North Texas police
department and media outlets about text messages warning of violence at local
Walmarts.

But Dallas police said the rumors that gang initiates are required
to kill or assault women in the parking lot are just an urban legend.

The rumor actually has its roots in an e-mail hoax that has been
floating around for several years. It originated in 2005 in the Memphis area,
according to Snopes.com, a Web site on urban legends. [MSNBC]

Why can't these gangs initiate their members with something as gay as the initiations in college fraternities? No, actually, I can see that happening. "Yo, Scruncho. You want in on this hard thuggish hoodrat gang, dawg?! Then, you gonna have to get stink fingered by a fat chick with nothing but warts on her hands. Recognize, fo'!" That imaginary initiation ends with Scruncho having to take gun bullets as suppositories. Good lord, do I have a messed up mind!