Induce Vomiting Now

Ok. Ok. Bashing Spencer and Heidi has become so out of style and so overrated that it has become the Tamagachi of this decade. You know, those stupid ass digital pets you feed and play with and it dies when you over feed it. You know, just like the media overfeeding the Pratts' superbloated ego. But, my God, have you even sat down one moment to hear them speak?

Here's their appearance on Jimmy Fallon:

I had to quit after about a minute in the interview because I was totally feeling this morning's breakfast burrito coming up. Too late.

(**Pause from bloated vomitice)

And if that weren't enough, Spencer might be on a warpath with "weatherman" Al Roker, after Monday's Today Show in which Roker pressed Heidi about being "proud" of what they did on I'm a Celebrity...

And here's Spencer's mega douchey response. I think I could die from all of this. Could anyone die from over douchieness?

Kris Allen - Heartless - Live on Late Night

Damn. He made a Kanye song better than Kanye.

I watched none of this past season's American Idol. Frankly, I didn't care if Adam Lambert had to much sugar in his tank or whatever. And there was no off the chart hot chick that made it towards the end. Take notes America, vote for the moderatly talented, extremely sexy blonde next time.

So apparently the American Idol winner Kris Allen did an acoustic rendition of Kanye West's "Heartless" during the season. And he did it again on Late Night with Conan O'Brien Jimmy Fallon. I'll just say that I could hear America's collective panties drop during that performance. And, I'll admit the boy sure got some soul. I wouldn't care as much usually but it was Kanye song I think I can sing better if I was hogtied and had ants crawling up my legs. Oh, here's the performance:

Cooter Scooter: Seth Rogen, "Lost" Review, and Some New ABC Shows

Dammit, I wish I could work at home all the time. Shit would be off the hook.

He really is committed to that Green Hornet role.

Guess who came out thinner than he usually is? Seth Rogen looked mighty skinny and mighty fit as he came out for his interview for Late Night with Jimmy "Douchebag" O'Douchebag last night. The dude was promoting his next movie Observe & Report, which, to me, looks like the R-rated version of that Kevin James-stinker Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

Good for Seth Rogen, I guess. If I was a stoner overactor who got in good with a movie director that was destined for stardom, then that would be my meal ticket out of this blow hole of a desert. But no jealousy. All kudos and congratulations. BTW, is that the dude from Crash and Shooter and World Trade Center in Observe & Report. He can do comedy too?

Oh, Kate. So dirty and yet so f-able.

So this week was a "Kate episode" of Lost. I hate when the show centers on one character and then the following day at work, all my co-workers start saying "Sayid is a bad-ass. You could tell. They were flashbacking to him a lot." Or "Jack is a real F-up, man; Just shoot yourself and get it over with!"

Nevertheless, we're slowly finding out the details on what led each of the Oceanic 6 to go back to the island. We've heard from Sayid, who last episode tried to get it on with a beautiful ribeye-sucking woman bounty hunter, got transported to the 1977 version of the island in handcuffs, captured by the Dharmas, befriend a young Ben Linus, and then escape the clutches of the Dharmas just to shoot the creepily-looking Ben in the chest. I felt a sense of self-worth and sadism with that shooting.

Anyways, we follow Kate in the ep titled What Ever Happened, Happened taking up her fake motherly duty in dual time periods. He gives up Aaron, not her son BTW, to the boy's grandmother in order to go back to the island to find the boy's mother. Then, he takes on the duty to saving the 12-year-old Ben Linus. I still don't give a crap if he is a kid, considering what Linus would become. And with this, we get next week's "judgment" of the grown up Ben Linus. ABC.com's summary for the next ep Dead is Dead reads this: "To atone for sins of the past, Ben must attempt to summon the smoke monster in order to be judged." Oooo. The smoke monster returns. Finally, he'll unmask himself to reveal that he's Dom Deluise. Your guess is as good as mine.

He still sucks dick for coke.

Finally, ABC is set to roll out the finest programs for midseason. ("Finest" used very loosely, BTW) First, Bob Saget returns to the network that made him an unlikely star with Surviving Suburbia (9:30 p.m., Monday). No Full House here. Save for the coke addict guy that sucked dick for coke in Half-Baked, the patriarch role suits him well. And now that he has an edge about him as exhibited in his stand-up and, most raunchily, his twist on The Aristocrats joke, we can expect him to be the filthy dad with a heart...right? I'll be watching. But I ain't watching no tired-ass Dancing With the Stars before it. Shawn Johnson still in right? Maybe, I will watch.

Then, the new cop drama The Unusuals hits the air waves in the old Life on Mars time slot Wednesdy at 10 p.m. From all the promos running, it looks like they gathered a bunch of people acting in first run episodics and just crammed then into a police drama with a twist. (I'm still unclear as to what it's all about.) I don't, however, buy Amber Tamblyn as a cop. Nope. There's no way you're coercing me into her role. She was talking to dead people in that one show she was in. Or was that God through other people? Fuck, if I know. She was definitely passing those jeans in that sisterhood, right? I just don't buy it at all, dammit. Oh, yeah, the show has Michael from Lost and Adam Goldberg from **INSERT QUIRKY MOVIE, TV SHOW HERE**.

Gangsta Reggae Groove with Your Coffee?

Soldier Jim Fal Live
by yardie4lifever2

I've already explained the douchebaggery of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. His monologue is full of dry jokes that he knows won't illicit jams of laughter but he says them anyways. And at times, he's so awkward towards his guests. I come out of it listening to his damn laughter in my head. Get it out of me! GET IT OUT OF ME! I keep wondering why I save his shows on my DVR. Gr! Then, I realized he might have a very hot blonde on the program or a kick-ass musical guests once and a while.

Well, Big Macs be damned because Pharrell and Co. provided some reggae, electrobeat groove with the premier of their song "Soldier." It's a f*ckin' riotous song and I suggest you take a listen. And make sure you're sparkin' the blaze and slappin' the bass, con boy! (Imagine a Jamaican accent...**shakes head in utter embarrassment**)

My Cock is Really Confused

Photoshop at its worst.

You read it right. My cock Cornelius is really confused.

He woke me up in the middle of the night, pecking his beak through my blanket. I thought I had a wonderful dream. Then, "Corny," as I like to call him, wanted to interrupt me.

I asked, "What the hell do you think you're doing, Cornelius?"

Then, he just stared at me with his head all high with that same smug disposition he has during these odd hours of the night.

Cornelius, then, pecked at my hand with his beak and let out a crow. "ERRRrrrr!," he roared.

I tried to shut him up with shushes and "be quiets" but Cornelius wanted something. I wasn't sure what that was.

Corny, then, flapped his wings, landed on the night stand adjacent, and pecked his beak on the television controller on the night stand. The blaring of the TV filled the empty room as Corny and I stared at a television program.

It was apparently a late night television program with a talking, standing tool. I couldn't make out what he was saying but he kept making these incoherent statements like "shorts are short and pants are long."

There was also a woman on the program. A beautiful blonde young woman no older than 25 with flowing blonde locks, a low cut skirt dress, and ample breasts. She was the kind of woman who you swore was an athlete once but decided to make due looking beautiful instead.

Cornelius stared at the flashing images, twisting his head. Upon looking at the program, Cornelius let out a loud call, louder than ever before. And it became repetitve, almost as if a seizure was happening. All I could do was stare as my spastic cock became unruly.

I stared back at the TV and then back to my cock and then back to my TV. What the hell was so interesting, I thought. "This guy is not funny at all," I said. "I don't like him one bit. There's no charisma!"

All I could see was the male host pretending to be funny while the charming blonde made efforts to look adorable and cute. It was mind-boggling to me.

I decided to end the noise being made by clutching the remote control from my cock and turning off the TV.

"Never again, Corny," I told him as I slapped my cock on the head.

What Cornelius and I watched last night: