Cooter Looter: ...And the Other Crap of the Day

I steal stories. You read them. It's a win-win, fool.

LeBron Loves Coke

If you thought the first Nike MVPuppets sketch implied a little something about Lebron James going Scarface on that china whyte, then here's a redubbed vid of the Lebron puppet "loving" cocaine (!)

Shamwow! It's Paper Towels!

It's the best thing since the Shamwow! PAPER TOWELS! Holy shit! I spilled soy sauce!

Mr. T Pities the Fool...and Peanuts and Cracker Jacks

When I think of the best vocalists in the world, Mr. T doesn't necessarily pop into my consciousness. But he apparently practiced and performed "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" at Wrigley Field, continuing the dubious trend of non-singing celebrities to rape the 7th inning tradition in Chicago.

Fo' it's 1...2...3 strikes you out!

Trash TV Returns

I don't care how groundbreaking MTV's The Real World has been to television. Those serious talks about AIDS and alcoholism and sexism and homophobia got squirted into a napkin a long time ago. I blame the Las Vegas cast for starting it.

Anyways, after a botched attempt to revive consciousness in the series, RW relocates to Cancun. I wonder if social issues come up now. I believe they tackle world hunger in this one...and, also, lesbianism...and, yes, body shots in cravasses you didn't know you had.

Oh, yeah. Big Brother returns to CBS in July. We could really use a house full of 20-somethings and at least one MILF again just like Season 9.

Finally, Here's Neil Patrick Harris Dancing with Elmo. ENJOY!

UPDATE: And You Thought the ShamWow! Guy Got F'd Up

Don't you cross the ShamWow! guy. He'll wipe you clean.

Here's your Catch-22 of the week, ladies and gentlemen. You do a morally questionable thing like hire a "fellatious" woman to play with your male happy parts for one night. (ORIGINAL STORY) You start kissing that woman, and, in return, that woman starts biting down on your tongue so hard that the only way to let her loose is beat the holy hell out of her. Now, we're not talking Rihanna and Chris Brown here. We're talking the f*ckin' ShamWow! guy and a hooker -- a very good looking hooker BTW. (Damn, the ShamWow! guy knows how to pick 'em.) Did the hooker get her upends? Or is Vince Shlomi wrong for beating a woman, no less a hooker? Should the hooker had waited until she got "fellatious?" (Ouch.)

Oh. New pictures of the alleged hooker in question, Sasha Harris, were released over the weekend, obtained by TMZ. (I swear, they must have CIA agents or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles working for them. They can get whatever they want before everyone else can. I so wanna work for them. *sigh*)

One more thing: TMZ says prosecutors dropped felony assault charges against both Shlomi and Harris. Go figure.

Hey, That ShamWow F*cker Fought a Hooker

Vince bought what the hooker was selling...

Vince Shlomi, you know, that muthaf*cka that sells you on super absorbant wash clothes called the ShamWow!, ShamPowed! a hooker, allegedly, in Miami. Get it? ShamPowed? Eh? Eh? Eh?

According to police records obtained by The Smoking Gun (I actually love that site -- check out the celebrity mugshots), Mr. Shlomi began kissing the hooker when she allegedly "bit his tongue and would not let go." It sounds like Shlomi is a rookie in the hooker game. Word of advice: YOU NEVER KISS THE WOMAN THAT YOU PAY TO SUCK YOUR C*CK! Is there nothing dignified about that simple concept? F*ck!

Then...

According to cops, Shlomi then punched the prostitute several times until she released his tongue. Both the prostitute and Shlomi were arrested for felony aggravated battery. [TMZ]

So Vince likes the company of hookers. But hookers don't share the same feeling. I wonder how that conversation went when Vince solicited the female hooker.

Vince: Hi! I'm Vince from ShamWow! Here to offer you the chance of a lifetime -- by going down on a semi-celebrity...

Hooker: Yeah...

Vince: Wait, let me finish. Because what I have here is American-made, well-experienced seven inches of pleasure that I believe will help you on the way to success.

Hooker: I've had bigger. But yeah...

Vince: Hold on there because I haven't told you the half of what I have to offer you. Included in this package is my cock, my two balls, and the f*ckin' time of your life. I've given hookers orgasms before and I'm here to give you the best orgasm of all time for a very low, low price.

Hooker: Look, little man. Ain't nobody given me an actual orgasm while I fuck 'em on the job. I just boom-boom, get paid, that's it. If that's all you have to say then, let's go.

Vince: Still not finished! Because if you act now, I get to put it in your "corner pocket." That's right, we will be f*ckin' your armpit right now, no charge! That means you not only get one but two messes on your body...or in it!

Hooker stares in disgust.

Vince: Of course, we'll need to act now because I don't get up that easily. Unless, you're willing to make out with me. French kisses turn me on no matter what. You know, Germany invaded France and you know the best stuff comes from Germany.