Heels-Spartans...Who Do You Got?

Either way, we all win.

My God! You can't help but root for this National Championship game coming up this Monday at Ford Field in Detroit. North Carolina produced a Whacking Day-like...whacking of Villanova, fulfilling half of the prophecy that with at least seven Big East teams in the Tourney, none of them was up to snuff to win the whole enchilada. (Heels over 'Nova in the Nat'l Semis, 83-69.)

In the other Big East wank fest, Michigan State played behind a Spartan-centric crowd (Ford Field is located within 45 minutes from East Lansing) and the aura that the Big Ten is no conference to fuck with (seriously) by dismissing the mighty UConn Huskies, 82-73, in the other Nat'l Semifinal.

So we get a rematch of the same two teams from the Dec. 3, 2008 matchup that also took place at Ford Field. UNC dispatched the Spartans in a 30-point thrashing. Still, it's the Big Ten vs. the ACC. (Holy shit! You never saw that coming. If you predicted an all Big East Final Four, then you were smoking something or your so-called radar for college basketball got busted...don't worry, Dick Vitale, Digger Phelp, Jay Bilas, and Hubert Davis led me astray as well.) But I figure no matter who was in the final, whether it be a wankfest between the Duke Blue Devils and the New York Fashion Institute of Technology (MAKE IT WOOOORK!), then you'd still be drinking, pretending to know that the Tar Heels will make you beat them from the perimeter, and beating your girlfriend for going against you just because it would make you mad...HAHA.

Oh, yeah, we got like hot girls from the Final Four teams from Gunaxin. God bless coeds!

Cooter Shooter: Michigan St. is Kinda Alright (3/30 Links)

It's Monday and that means I automatically hate you. You dick!


The Big Ten got some Big Boobies. Yes, I said it.

• Michigan St. Shows Its "Spirit" - Um. So boobs. And boobs. And there's some asses there. But there's like boobs. Need I say more? GO SPARTANS! [Gunaxin]
• 2009 National Douchebag Tournament - We're in the final four of this one, people. Barry Bonds. Octomom. Bernie Madoff. Rush Limbaugh. All deserving. All great examples of douchebaggery. Kinda curious, though, that Jimmy Fallon didn't make it. [Holy Taco]
• Best 11 Cat Puking Videos - Feline regurgitation. Way better than obese gentleman regurgitation. And maybe more functional than canine regurgitation. Any way, there's sure to be a hella big clean up involved. [Best Week Ever]
• Tom Brady's Ball and Chain...Naked - A Michigan kid crosses paths with a Brazilian supermodel who has a penchant for nudity. If only history writes something like "single journalist who hates himself catches the eye of blonde with D-cups who tells him 'to put it anywhere...just anywhere she can feel' because of his humorous, intelligent blog." Ah, yes. Because bitches love intelligence and quirkiness. I'm sure of it. [Tasty Booze]
  
• Rourke and Rockwell's Iron Man 2 Looks - Sam Rockwell does his best impersonation of Steve Allen (he was the former host of The Tonight Show...before Johnny Carson...wow, I can't believe I'm in my 20s and I know who exactly Steve Allen is). As for Mickey Rourke, he's...um...just Mickey Rourke. [Bam! Kapow!]
• 'Bruno' Draws NC-17 Rating - Do we expect anything less from Borat himself? So how did Sasha Baron Cohen outdo himself? Simulated anal sex, of course. [The Wrap]
  

Cooter Scooter: Ultra Super Duper Deluxe Sports Edition

If you doubt this man, he'll make you his bitch.

Eldrick Muthaf*uckin' Woods, y'all! So this guy Tiger, I hear he's a good golfer and stuff and won something today -- the Arnold Palmer something or rather at Bay Hill (wherever the hell that is). Apparently, the winner of the tourney wins a lifetime supply of half lemonade, half iced tea drinks. But why want that when there's also a one million dollar check at the end of the day?

Not bad for someone who just had a second child and, most importantly, looked doubtful to be dominant following knee surgery. And who was the poor bastard that had to play the Rocco Mediate role this time around: Sean O'Hair, who blew a 4-stroke lead to Tiger. Tiger, or as I like to call him the black Jesus (you can apply that to just about any black sports figure that can make the impossible possible), sunk a 15-foot birdie putt on the 18th to win the whole muthaf*cka'. Someone's gettin' laid tonight!

You can catch Tiger make a feast out of a loaf of bread and two fish when he's walking on the lake in Augusta, GA for The Masters in two weeks (because that punk muthaf*cka' is too big to do my hometown PGA event, the Shell Houston Open, the week before).

It's just like 1979, except Ervin Johnson was too young and naive to sleep around.

F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! I'm happy for the 6'5" and above college kids who will get to play out their hoop dreams in the Final Four next weekend. The collective of fans from East Lansing, MI, Chapel Hill, NC, Philadelphia, and Storrs, CT will enjoy a good weekend of good ol' Canadian roundball (sidebar: for those not in the know, James Naismith invented basketball at a YMCA in Canada in the 1900's...and that was your little known fact of the day...don't ever say my blog is not educational).

The reason why I say f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! is because I only got one of my Final Four picks correctly (Michigan State). So there will be no 160 taco trophy from Jack in the Box. Freakin' Pittsburgh and Memphis and Syracuse reamed me bad. If you got all the Final Four participants correct, congratualtions and may I wish death upon your first born (you know, in the spirit of Passover. L'chaim!).

Finally, are there any doubts that LeBron has this MVP in hand over Kobe? Hm? Hm? You have doubts? What's that? Kobe's consistent? Is that what you said? Well, jump off Kobe's dick for one second and I'll tell you that Kobe and his great and powerful nutsack of a team can't even beat the Hawks this year. The Lakers were dropped by the red birds 86-76. Kobe scored only 17 in 37 minutes of wanking off. Yes, it took a team effort losing that game.

But there's no doubt that LeBron James is making his team better as he leads his team. The Cavs dropped the Mavs like a bad habit, 102-74, with 'Bron 'Bron dropping 24 points and 12 dimes in only 31 minutes of high-fashioned, intense basketball. Compare, LeBron: 24 points in 31 minutes; Kobe: 17 points in 37 minutes. The Mavs are a tough team. The Hawks are an even tougher team. Sports writers, get your pencils ready to mark LeBron as the '08-'09 MVP