Sunday's Three Foregone Conclusions

Eb-Bon-Knee and Eye-Verrr-Reee...Come together in perfect har-mo-knee.

The Lakers are clutch when they need to be. It's a foregone conclusion to see Kobe take over a game especially in big showcase matchups. Kobe erupted for an NBA Finals Career High (how many people can claim that?) of 40 in Game 1 against Orlando on Thursday. But despite his team high 29 points, it was a true team effort that kept L.A. from falling behind against the Magic in Game 2. The Lakers take a 2-0 lead with a 101-96 overtime win. In other Laker-related foregone conclusions, Kobe is more than likely to get away with sleeping with your girlfriend. He can just say I'm Kobe Bryant. Then, panties drop. I'm just sayin'.

That's the look of someone breaking their French virginity.

When Rafael Nadal got bounced from the French Open, it was Roger Federer's tournament to win and nobody else's. It's been a foregone conclusion in the past to see 22-year-old Spaniard Nadal dominate the field on clay at the French Open. They should have just renamed the whole tournament after him. And time after time, Mr. Swiss Miss himself RoFed has fallen victim to Nadal. He's good on grass. He's good on the hard court. He just can't seem to get a handle of the red clay. But Sunday was his time to capture that elusive French Open title, against the guy who beat Nadal, of all people. RoFed won in straight sets to capture his career grand slam (U.S., Australian, Wimbledon, the others) and his record tying 14th Grand Slam title. Good job, ace! Now, we can stop paying attention to tennis for a while. That's if Maria Sharapova and Anna Kournikova release a hot lesbian sex tape tomorrow. Reel me in for that one!

I knew you doubted him. Now, he will make you his bitch.

Tiger Woods is a sick, sick man. There is no golfer in the world that can match what Tiger is doing. He shot a shitty 75 on Saturday at the Memorial in Ohio. Then, he turned it around from 4 strokes behind the lead and took the outright win. I believe I was in awe during his four stroke comeback in April at the Arnold Palmer Invitational. Believe this: this is Tiger's fifth win after coming back from four or more strokes behind the lead. Do not sleep on Tiger. Do not ever sleep on this dude. If Tiger can do the impossible, then I believe I will be able to sleep with a hot blonde, big boobed 20-year-old who likes it in the poop shooter. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!!

Cooter Scooter: Ultra Super Duper Deluxe Sports Edition

If you doubt this man, he'll make you his bitch.

Eldrick Muthaf*uckin' Woods, y'all! So this guy Tiger, I hear he's a good golfer and stuff and won something today -- the Arnold Palmer something or rather at Bay Hill (wherever the hell that is). Apparently, the winner of the tourney wins a lifetime supply of half lemonade, half iced tea drinks. But why want that when there's also a one million dollar check at the end of the day?

Not bad for someone who just had a second child and, most importantly, looked doubtful to be dominant following knee surgery. And who was the poor bastard that had to play the Rocco Mediate role this time around: Sean O'Hair, who blew a 4-stroke lead to Tiger. Tiger, or as I like to call him the black Jesus (you can apply that to just about any black sports figure that can make the impossible possible), sunk a 15-foot birdie putt on the 18th to win the whole muthaf*cka'. Someone's gettin' laid tonight!

You can catch Tiger make a feast out of a loaf of bread and two fish when he's walking on the lake in Augusta, GA for The Masters in two weeks (because that punk muthaf*cka' is too big to do my hometown PGA event, the Shell Houston Open, the week before).

It's just like 1979, except Ervin Johnson was too young and naive to sleep around.

F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! I'm happy for the 6'5" and above college kids who will get to play out their hoop dreams in the Final Four next weekend. The collective of fans from East Lansing, MI, Chapel Hill, NC, Philadelphia, and Storrs, CT will enjoy a good weekend of good ol' Canadian roundball (sidebar: for those not in the know, James Naismith invented basketball at a YMCA in Canada in the 1900's...and that was your little known fact of the day...don't ever say my blog is not educational).

The reason why I say f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck! is because I only got one of my Final Four picks correctly (Michigan State). So there will be no 160 taco trophy from Jack in the Box. Freakin' Pittsburgh and Memphis and Syracuse reamed me bad. If you got all the Final Four participants correct, congratualtions and may I wish death upon your first born (you know, in the spirit of Passover. L'chaim!).

Finally, are there any doubts that LeBron has this MVP in hand over Kobe? Hm? Hm? You have doubts? What's that? Kobe's consistent? Is that what you said? Well, jump off Kobe's dick for one second and I'll tell you that Kobe and his great and powerful nutsack of a team can't even beat the Hawks this year. The Lakers were dropped by the red birds 86-76. Kobe scored only 17 in 37 minutes of wanking off. Yes, it took a team effort losing that game.

But there's no doubt that LeBron James is making his team better as he leads his team. The Cavs dropped the Mavs like a bad habit, 102-74, with 'Bron 'Bron dropping 24 points and 12 dimes in only 31 minutes of high-fashioned, intense basketball. Compare, LeBron: 24 points in 31 minutes; Kobe: 17 points in 37 minutes. The Mavs are a tough team. The Hawks are an even tougher team. Sports writers, get your pencils ready to mark LeBron as the '08-'09 MVP