I Was There and You Weren't. Nah Nah Nah Nah Boo Boo

My golden ticket to a ginger pale tree's historical show.

There was so much to say about Conan O'Brien's first ever foray in the 11:30 p.m. time slot on NBC. Watching it in the comfort of your living room is one thing. But when you get the opportunity to see it up close and live before your very eyes, even to the point that you can probably hock a loogi and spit on Conan's face, you know it's something especially special.

With that said, seeing the first ever Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien live will be a highlight to me. To be sappy and queer and whatnot, Conan my comedic inspiration. And I couldn't have devoted enough time to staying up at 12:30 a.m. on a school night to catch him or his patented characters like the Masturbating Bear. The gravity of O'Brien hosting an illustrious talk show franchise such as The Tonight Show is pretty big.

So with that said, I will bulletpoint my observances from an audience members point of view:

• The line outside apparently started as early 7 a.m. My crew arrived just about 10:30 a.m. We were about 40 people in. By showtime at 5 p.m., the line grew to 380 people. Conan's debut was a big deal.
• It was cute to see this 40 year old woman get all so giddy to see Conan. She couldn't stop repeating herself. She had a creepy Pearl Jam tattoo on her ankle, though.
• You knew how special this was when the periodical lines to the bathroom reached 50 people deep.
• The studio is freakin' huge! And the background of LA behind Conan's desk is like a hologram.

• The average age of the studio audience had to be 30. This is definitely not Jay Leno's show anymore. I'm glad the 20-something hipster generation made it out.
• I got a free hat! Yay!
• The Tonight Show Band (previously known as the Max Weinberg 7) comes out. La Bamba, the black bass player, and the bald fat trumpeter are there. And the bald trumpeter hypes up the crowd with a nice number.
• Andy Richter! That dude is a pretty big dude. And considering he had two sitcoms of his own, him hooking up with Conan again just feels so right.
• It was fitting to open with Conan trekking across America. He did go from a cult late night show to a TV institution. He just had the travel that long to make it.
• CONAN! Dude is a tree. Like a tree with red leaves. Standing ovation goes on for at least 1 minute.
• Through the monologue and the desk segment, you could tell the material felt like a typical Tonight Show. It just has Conan's brand of humor in it. Again, this will definitely not be your father's Tonight Show.
• Will Ferrell. Carried by slave dudes with ripped abs. Eh. I was hoping for him to do the speedo leprachaun he used to do on Late Night.
• Robert Smigel meandered around the studio. It's weird to see him not insult a bunch of nerds with his Triumph puppet.
• You can tell the crew was anxious to put on a good show. It was the first one after all but it went swimmingly well.
• Pearl Jam. I know only two or three songs of theirs but the band rocked. And to think I was only 7 years old when "Jeremy" came out.
• Sarah Silverman is in the building. She tries to rush through the aisle to get a good glimpse of Pearl Jam. I guess that's a way to not attract attention I guess.
• Show ends but Conan pulls a trick play with a second Pearl Jam performance. "Rockin' in the Free World" was the encore song. Excellent job by the band.
• Overall, the show was a "Tonight Show" type of program with the usual safe-for-the-family humor. But expect Conan and crew to get more comfortable in the 11:30 slot. Who knows, we might get the Masturbating Bear on Episode 2.

Watch the first Tonight Show with Conan:

If This Isn't the Damndest Sketch I've Ever Seen

I've already articulated my sentiments about the SNL season finale with Will Ferrell. One word: Eh. But one sketch stood out and racked my mind like a Jimmy Stewart movie. The writers were definitely dropping the brown acid on this one but whatever. It has everybody in it. Artie Lange, too. (?)

What a Weak End

The Rockets lose. SNL with Will Ferrell was underwhelming. And John Mayer scores with 12 chicks in night. How?

Induce vomiting...now. This weekend just proved to cap off the chocolate starfish week that it was. Aside from being stood up for a playdate, twice, I was offered a grand tour of what the inside of my apartment looked like for the unteenth time. And worst of all, I was nowhere near drunk in this whole process. The positives I can see, though, is that I'm in line to get a bigger place soon so I guess I can passout in a nicer environment after a night of Slippery Nipples and Fuzzy Navels. Yes, let's get drunk off wine coolers.

As far as what people apart from myself did this weekend, the Lakers got their way finally throwing away my Rockets like a Mexican made condom. The Lake Show, like a good porn starlet who likes to take it in the bum, reamed and blew out Houston's anal cavity, 89-70, to advance to the Western Conference Finals. As a parting shot to the Lakers, I hope Kobe Bryant and Phil Jackson give each other crabs.

Saturday Night Live became intriguing to me when I found out the last two episodes of the season were going to be hosted by Justin Timberlake and Will Ferrell. I knew JT would turn in a great perfromance in his stint. So I expected the same from the SNL alum. But aside from the expected Jeopardy parody, which included the usual ream out from Sean Connery and surprise appearances by Tom Hanks and Turd Ferguson aka Burt Reynolds aka Norm MacDonald, I was underwhelmed by this ep. It was kinda like SNL blowing a wasted load with guest appearance after guest appearance. Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph returned, and guests like Anne Hathaway and Paul Rudd made appearances. I guess expected more from this show but, then again, the show is much like the father that ran out on you when you were 11. He said he was going to play catch with me but he decided to play catch with his "other son." I hate you, DAD! I hate you!

Here's the Jeopardy clip:

Finally, John Mayer worked his magic in Beverly Hills this weekend. He came out of a club with his shirt covered in lipstick stains. He also began to go dance fever on all of our asses. Jackassery and douchebaggery all at work. [TMZ has the video.] How does this guy with all this doucheyness stay likable? Maybe it's because he's famous and he can. That's not a good answer. John Mayer, I will never get you. You wore this short sailors shorts and you have no problem with that. You date Jennifer Aniston and you drop her like Britney dropped her child. I don't know where you end and begin. Gah! The frustrating mysteries of life!

Cooter Footer: Y Tu Mama Tambien

Diegooo Lunaaa. Diego Luna.

It's past 1:45 a.m. on a Monday morning and I haven't heard the word "fuck" slanged in Spanish so much more than in the movie Y Tu Mama Tambien. For that matter, I didn't really understand what Spanish word was "fuck" in the movie. They talk all so fast! Anyways, with the short 15-20 minutes I've seen in the movie so far, more like the middle of it, I can tell there's a lot of sexual tension between the characters Luisa, Tenoch, and Julio. Of course, Tenoch is played by Diego Luna. And that got me thinking about Will Ferrell's funny ass Broadway show You're Welcome America, which had at least three references to Diego Luna. I don't know in what context it came up in but, f*ck, if it wasn't funny. If you have time this wanking work week, which will include freakin' April Fools' Day, I dare you to watch Y Tu Mama Tambien. You will be thinking "WTF? How come these guys are c*mming way too soon in this old but very attractive chick." I have no idea. I freakin' decided to stay up until 2 a.m. to freakin' write about Y Tu Mama Tambien. That has to tell you what kind of sick son of a bitch I have to be.

Editor's Note: I'm watching this shit on Cinemax with English subtitles. I so was trying to put them shits on here with a YouTube embed but there are no English subtitles, dubbings, or anything. So check your local listings for the next showing. Sorry.

Editor's Note Post Script: Maribel Verdu, who plays Luisa, has to be one hot blooded Latina. (If you didn't get that Gov. Schwarzenegger reference, Google him and former Assemblywoman Bonnie Garcia. It's funny.) Anyways, Verdu is hot. Read more about her here.

Editor's Note Post Post Script: I just realized this movie was directed by Alfonso Cuaron. He made one of my recent favorite movies, Children of Men. If you want ground breaking film direction, Children of Men is the way to go. Who else could make five minute uninterrupted takes and make them into moving picture masterpieces. My God, see Y Tu Mama Tambien and Children of Men. Because you know both Diego Luna and Clive Owen are badasses, except Clive Owen can be a badass in freakin' flip-flop sandals. You still don't know what I'm talking about. GO SEE THESE MOVIES! Ok, I won't bother you again. I promise.

Editor's Note Post Post Post Script: Holy shit! There's a "devil's three-way" in progress. Remember, no eye contact with the other dude. Wait a minute, the dudes are kissing. Ah, dude! No, dude, no! Noooooooo! NOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Now, they just discovered they cornholed each other. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! That's why I should blog AFTER I watch a movie.