This local commercial from Oklahoma's Mr. Spriggs' BBQ has made its rounds through the internets. But damn if it ever made me want to make passionate love...with myself...in a vat of hickory barbecue sauce.
See, R. Kelly. If you just focused on making slow jams about "meat falling off the bone", then you wouldn't have any trouble. Pissing on peoples faces. Damn.
Whether you hate or kinda sorta like Jay Leno, there's no doubt that the big wigs at NBC know how and who to put in that 11:30 p.m. slot. Leno was Johnny Carson's replacement in 1992. Carson followed Jack Parr and Steve Allen, two staples of late night television that many in this current generation would certainly not know.
So it is refreshing that NBC went with Conan O'Brien to fill the role at the Tonight Show. I am eager to see how this turns out. I expect it to be weird at first to see the pale, milktoast ginger do a monologue at 11:30 p.m. rather than the 12:35 a.m. slot we're accustomed to seeing him in. But you gotta keep an open mind here. He did, after all, write for The Simpsons.
Why must you make it so hard to hate you and even harder to like you? Mr. Piven, aka Ari Gold, is featured in the new trailer for The Goods, a movie centered on a traveling salesman who promises to sell 200 cars from a dealership in two weeks.
There is no doubt that Jeremy Piven is an outstanding actor and maybe one of the best comedic actors in Hollywood today. My problem is that cloud hanging over his head called Entourage. Sometimes I just want to kick my TV down with all the lame brained bullcrap that's being flung at my face from the likes of Johnny Drama and Vinny Chase and E and Turtle. I don't know, it has no relatibility. Then, kick start the cuss maching because Piven's Ari Gold comes roaring and he lights a fire into the show. Piven: good actor, wrong show.
LLOYD!
As Lorne Michaels did for Conan, Conan did for a buttload of people throughout his run. No, I'm not talking about one person giving a ream job to the other. Lorne snatched Conan from relative obscurity to host Late Night. And in turn, Conan created a slew of personalities that would go on to create success in their own right. That couldn't be truer in Andy Richter and Amy Poehler. Andy was Conan's Ed McMahon-esque sidekick from the very beginning until 2000. Andy was panned from the start but it was his witty banter and relativity with Conan that struck a chord with Late Night's audience. Along for the ride was Amy Poehler, way, way before her days hamming it up on Saturday Night Live. She's small, setting up all the deception that she can come off as a little child. And thus, a concept was created. Andy's little sister Stacy, the little teenage girl who harbored a psychotic and at times vengeful crush on Conan. May hilarity ensue.
Andy will return as Conan's sidekick on The Tonight Show.
We're gonna have to wait for July until we know who will be nominated for this year's Primetime Emmy Awards. Entertainment Weekly's Michael Ausiello is making his dream Emmy nomination picks. They're all not half-bad and I agree with most of them. But I can't agree anymore than to bait a nomination for Danny McBride in Eastbound and Down. His mastery playing a past his prime, washed up, out-of-work baseball player is astounding, to say the least. He makes living in denial the funniest shit ever. Although, if I did live in denial...I think I am...then it wouldn't really go down like that as a sitcom. But if you have not seen Eastbound or his work in Pineapple Express or his short screen time on Tropic Thunder or The Heartbreak Kid, didn't you're f--cking out!
With a face like that, you start considering beastiality.
Not that I could or actually did. **nervous laughter** This weekend might be the most underrated movie weekend on the summer docket, despite Disney/Pixar continuing its plans for world domination in the form of Up. ($50 says this one is a shoe-in for Best Animated Feature at the Oscars.) From what I can tell, Up has a fat Asian kid, an old dude voiced by Ed Asner, who by the way does an excellent job voicing the white collar, bougeous dude in The Boondocks, and Dug the Dog. While Wall-E had its titular character who said two things the whole movie, Up's selling point is Dug who talks through a collar that reads his thoughts.
All together now...
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
The other movie released this weekend is Sam Raimi's Drag Me to Hell. (ORIGINAL POST) This should be refreshing to see director Raimi's return to his horror/thriller roots. I mean, he did do Evil Dead! And you know how nerds and fanboys love Evil Dead. (I, unfortunately, not being one of those dudes.) But it's been getting good reviews and I personally would love to see both of these movies this weekend. That's provided that I cleanse my butthole of this relocation that I have. Damn, I have to be the ultimate procastenator.
What? Shut up and play the video below:
You know that video tape in the movie The Ring in which if you watch it you get a phone call saying you have seven days to live? I think I just watched that video except I got the next seven words before I die.
Not really buying it. This is all bulllllllllllllllllllllllq34y9-w5084llllllllq23 q23 q23 q23 q23 q23 jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj5v923405v7u 90tu90wr9tu9034t9mnq0rrt8-
Um. Spock, Silar. Whatever your name is. Zachary Quinto, I guess. What's with the intense "milk shower"? [Film Drunk via TiFaux]
I haven't primed your weekend in quite a while, so I figure, in this insomniac state of mind I'm in...again, I can show you at least one of my last posts in the cubicle I'm thankfully moving out of. Come May 31, provided that I get off my ass to organize my shit, I will be moving into the confines of a swanky condo complete with BBQ and an ice maker, finally! Shit! I will be blogging in a place where I won't question if there is life outside of these walls and if I have to make sure the landlord, with hair curlers in hair and cigarette in lips, won't come knocking on my door and start asking, "Why does it always sound like there's someone having sex in here but there's no girl in here?"
For the primer, I felt compelled by my earlier post on Zach Galiafanakis (it pains me to spell out his last name, yet he's just too damn funny that he's worthy of me getting it right) to post a video from his Comedy Central special. Bottom line, Zach closes out the show by explaining that he has trouble with women and that his 12 exes formed an acapella group. Sure enough, we have the acapella group singing The Bangles' "Eternal Flame" while Zach continues being Zach and shows the audience pre-written statements shown as the song goes on. And, oh, yeah. He's got camel's toe.
It's funny because it's ironic. Get it?!
Late Night with Conan O'Brien later in its run became a staple all over the world. Considering it was called Late Night, folks in different time zones caught an early glimpse of the show catching all that was the zany blunders of the red headed jokester before it even aired in the U.S. But his international reach only got larger and much sustained when he got the attention of the Finnish public. His striking resemblance to the country's president, a woman, attracted a hailstorm of fan reaction, and in an instant, Finland became Conan's own territory.
That was fully realized in 2005 when he visited the Scandanavian nation and chroniclized a whole week of shows to show his appreciation...and entertainment...to a whole snowy white land which, on a map, looks very much like a penis that got grouped up with other penises (Sweden, Norway? too much sex ed, little geography?)
Or Bo? (shown here on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon)
Comment accordingly...
What's Romanian for "But I love your D's!"
Terrifically titillating teenage tennis sensation Simona Halep was recently ousted in the second round of the French Open. Yeah, you lost, Simona, but that doesn't mean you have to take it out on your breasts!
Halep is reportedly planning breast-reduction surgery, because her superhuman chest somehow doesn't help her play tennis.
Halep was definitely talking about her lady lumps and is clearly aware of the the, uh ... logistical complications that they create for a bouncy, quick-moving tennis player... [Deadspin]
The Deadspin article sourced an obscure Romanian web site for Halep's intentions, although it appears nobody knows what the hell people are saying and there's a good possiblity that she's not getting that reduction.
Just somethings of note, Halep is not even 17 yet so those same feelings you have for Miley Cyrus need apply. Still, which classmate in high school did you want to motorboat?
And to drive this straight-up perverted post home (because, believe me, there was nothing here of intellectual value to be said), here's how you can keep booby watching without...booby...watching. Heh?
EMBED-An Important Lesson on Boobs - Watch more free videos
Funny or Die is once again helping an otherwise unfunny celebrity get all hilarious and what not, this time with a vid about Quween, Katharine McPhee's "paparazzi protection."
Quween apparently got up from her box she was sleeping in and came to the American Idol runner-up's rescue (video here) when she was just walking down the street in L.A. She was bat shit crazy then and, in this vid, she's bat shit crazy now. And now, thanks to viral internets and all those blogging trends and Jello pudding, Quween will be appearing next season on Dancing with the Stars. I called it!Can we get back to Katherine McPhee, though? I mean, besides her DO-ability, she is so cute and so beautiful. And she sings like an angel. She would be the perfect wife.
What?
She's married?
To who?Who?!
He's 45?!LeBron Loves Coke
If you thought the first Nike MVPuppets sketch implied a little something about Lebron James going Scarface on that china whyte, then here's a redubbed vid of the Lebron puppet "loving" cocaine (!)Shamwow! It's Paper Towels!
It's the best thing since the Shamwow! PAPER TOWELS! Holy shit! I spilled soy sauce!
Mr. T Pities the Fool...and Peanuts and Cracker Jacks When I think of the best vocalists in the world, Mr. T doesn't necessarily pop into my consciousness. But he apparently practiced and performed "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" at Wrigley Field, continuing the dubious trend of non-singing celebrities to rape the 7th inning tradition in Chicago.Fo' it's 1...2...3 strikes you out!
Trash TV Returns I don't care how groundbreaking MTV's The Real World has been to television. Those serious talks about AIDS and alcoholism and sexism and homophobia got squirted into a napkin a long time ago. I blame the Las Vegas cast for starting it.Anyways, after a botched attempt to revive consciousness in the series, RW relocates to Cancun. I wonder if social issues come up now. I believe they tackle world hunger in this one...and, also, lesbianism...and, yes, body shots in cravasses you didn't know you had.
Oh, yeah. Big Brother returns to CBS in July. We could really use a house full of 20-somethings and at least one MILF again just like Season 9.Finally, Here's Neil Patrick Harris Dancing with Elmo. ENJOY!
Shipoopi!
So that's a no on hot Frankenbaby? Tom, do explain.
After practice on Thursday, the quarterback talked about the importance of a wife and "children." But when reporters asked Brady, who has a son with actress Bridget Moynahan, whether another child [with model, wife Gisele Bundchen] was on the way, Brady shook his head and said, "No."
"One is enough," Brady said. [AP]
Aside from the obvious attractability, I still don't get how Tom Brady, a backup quarterback at University of Michigan and an all-out all-American boy from the Bay Area, can score some hot, international, exotic trim like Gisele. It's not like he threw a pass and accidentally hit her in the nose in the backyard of the Brady Family home. Or maybe he did. He was Greg Brady, right?
Anyways, it's times like these that we could use the "If They Mated" segment from Late Night with Conan O'Brien. I bet they'd get this diaper dandy of a baby.
[Eds. Note: Yes, I know that's David Beckham. No, I have no man-crush on him. In fact, I googled hot chicks in diapers. Sure enough...]
For some reason, I can actually see Jason Schwartzman do this exact sitcom. I say can because the clip is from a fake show. It's the show within the Funny People movie set for release in August starring Adam Sandler and directed by Judd Apatow. But today, the "show" called Yo, Teach! got some real-looking promotion and prime positioning on the NBC website.
I guess doing some elaborately fake things is the rage in promoting movies these days. If that's true, I think I should stage a fake male pregnancy to promote this blog. Believe me, I haven't had my period yet and I'm starting to worry. :-/
Borat on Late Night With Conan O'Brien
by DasReich
How Rihanna got her groove back. Despite the media portrayal of her being the victim to a violent domestic spat with Chris Brown, Ms. 'Robyn F', as she was addressed in a court complaint against Brown, still proved her sexiness in this weird yet aesthetically-pleasing music video for Kanye West's "Paranoid".
She got to spin on a tourniquet, make expressive faces, many of them smiles BTW, and got to drive what appears to be a Mach 5 in front of a white projection sheet. Say what you will about who's right between CB and Rihanna, but principles is principles, right? Do you beat down with brute force hit a woman? Well, if she works for you every night on a street corner on Hollywood Boulevard, then all bets are off.
Oh, yeah, Chris Brown acted a fool today, too.
Chris Brown hit, not in that way, the YouTubes yesterday to pimp out his new album and his innocence. And aside from being as "thugnificent" as hell about clearing his name (you know that pesky little brush up with that one other R&B singer) and sending love to his fans (he still has some?), it didn't help with his usual collaborator Bow Wow backing him up with a "beleed dat," which, of course, means "believe that" in hood rat terms.
Oh, young lil' pup Chris. Can you at least show some humility?
The Interrupter - 02/06/05
by ccob
I don't think any current sketch comedy show, even those that go for all out wackiness and weirdness (see The State), could ever conjure up something like The Interrupter. This "in-between-guests" bit from Late Night had to be one of the best written things that the show came up with and I found that this was made in an era when the show hit its stride (2000-2006).
But then again why...
...would you say something like that?
I respect that show enough...
...to say it had its stride throughout its run?
Even though...
...you thought the Masturbating Bear was too much?
She's the irrelevent centerfold in Boiler Room Monthly.
So, blah blah blah. Blah blah Katy Perry's boobs. Blah blah blah.
Still you can't help but wonder what's driving this lady who should be known more for her vocal pipes rather than her luscious headlights, if ya know what I mean? **hand raised for high-five** What? You're leaving me hangin'?
Anyways, Complex magazine, which, by all accounts, is really complex, has a new piece on the girl-kissing homophobe with a set of great, big, soft...pictures.
The S&M clad daughter of a pastor wants to make sure you know she was a gospel singer before her pop radio antics, just so we know for 1,000th time. Plus, her boobs! Yeah.
Click here for the interview from complex.com.
Click here for the photos from the Complex piece via Egotastic.
Assisted deaths. I'm all over it. Hoo-AH!
Hoping to atone for the steamy brown coily piece of crap known as Simone, Al Pacino is in talks to bring Dr. Jack Kevorkian, aka the man who assisted his patients' suicides, in an HBO made-for-TV movie.
Al Pacino is in talks to play Dr. Jack Kevorkian in the upcoming HBO telepic You Don't Know Jack, according to Variety.
Based on an authorized biography of the famed "suicide doctor" by his assistant Neal Nicol and his lifelong friend Harry Wylie, the movie will be about Kevorkian's creation of the "Mercy Machine" and his role in helping his patients commit suicide.
So he's going from being the devil to being a modern day vessel of death. I'm so waiting to see what he wants to do next. Maybe a mild-mannered satanist who has uptight, neat freak roommate? How about a gritty look at the life of the Tin Man from Wizard of Oz with him attached as the wise but drug-addicted scarecrow?
Who knows? All I know is he shot up dudes in his own home and snorted a mountain of coke on a desk in Scarface. You know, all rappers watch Scarface.
I've promised myself not to let my personal dirty laundry flood my blog catered to the bored and slightly ADD-ish. Plus, at this slightly depressing and trying time, I don't think cutting or shooting myself will do. Not so many people will give a crap anyways. So let's just let this YouTube video do my talking and sum up my feelings at the moment.
And let me just hope that I'll have the gaul to write about how much I want to kick every person I see in the crotch because...actually, just because.
I thought this was one of the underrated "at-the-desk" comedy bits on Conan's Late Night show. I understand from a television producer's perspective that keeping up with time in the run of a show is important. Everything has to be timely and if you need to, you can wrap up a segment or stretch segment long enough as long as everything fits in.
The bit "Frankenstein Wastes a Minute of Our Time" is both lovable and playful about being on time for a show. And it always ends the way you don't expect it to end because the premise is to lead people into a trail of suspense only to pay them off with the ultimate let down.
Gotta love basic, formulaic comedy.
In between all the lethargic self-pity, watching a Prince cover band, and dancing at a swanky-ass resort, I was beckoned this past weekend to watch every episode of the seminal TV classic It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I paid a good 40 dollars on eBay to purchase seasons 1, 2, and 3 on DVD.
There are no words to describe out the frivoloties of this show, what with all the immoral and soulless acts of these young bar-owning miscreants. I'll let Hulu do my dirty work.
Conan O'Brien may have not gotten that stoner, college student demographic if it weren't in part due to the presence of Robert Smigel's Triumph the Insult Comic Dog character.
You keep forgetting that Triumph is merely a puppet being channeled through Smigel's twisted humor and unforgiving apathy. And no one was safe from Triumph. He targeted nerds, most especially, but other dogs and their owners, as well as Southerners and the like. The logic with the accent doesn't really get me but it's still funny as hell.
I remembered that I was so compelled by the Triumph character that I pre-ordered his comedy CD when I only had only $20 in my bank account to spend from the time of the pre-order to the release. It was a worthy purchase...
FOR ME TO POOP ON!
R u effin' kidding me? So Hulu has become my replacement television set since I've gone with out the maximum cable package possible and I will be moving into a house that will have the "expanded" basic cable option. I mean, my God, people! How else am I gonna watch new True Blood and Entourage episodes and make mean and demoralizing comments about how Anna Paquin looks like a palsy patient or how Adrian Grenier still looks like a tool in an instant?
I digress. Hulu now expects you to take a shower "the suggested way" as if you have an effin' sauna or rosemary oil just lying around the house. Whatever happened to washing the hate from your body ever so vigorously that you're starting to bleed black? Or curling up in the fetal position like a bad dramatic movie cliche?
Obviously, this "how to" video on showering wants you to take the much more complicated way because nothing says smooth elasticity than loofahing layers of your skin. We aging, people! We gonna lose whatever young skin we have anyways! It's like this video is addressing a great concern on the social conscience.
The only redemption to this shower is the hot blonde taking it. (I think I saw her right titty.) If only other how to videos (or my real life) had hot steamy blonde women taking showers...constantly. Life would be so awesome.
By a miraculous, happenstantial chance, I am being given the opportunity to attend the first taping of the newly minted Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien, which will air June 1.
And apparently, I'm willing to wake up at 6:30 a.m. that morning to wait in line the whole day to get good seats to see my comedic idol. You don't understand, Conan reared my teenage years. I remember when I was 15 and during the summer I had nothing to watch in my bedroom on my antenna television. At 11:35 p.m., though, I was guaranteed to see all out innaity and insanity all in one package in the form of Late Night with Conan O'Brien. And I would laugh my ass off until my parents would yell from downstairs to "wrap up the night" and go to bed.
And I carried that 11:35 p.m. tradition over to my college years when I had nothing to do but to anticipate the next episode of Late Night. There were gems like Conan's impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger and his look into the Year 2000. It was all priceless to me.
Anyways, I will be in attendance for TV history next Monday. Until then, each day of the countdown, I will post a clip from the priceless Late Night days. This one is an oldie but goodie. Nothing says dignified television like a self-pleasuring bear. God bless America.
Ok. I'm convinced.
You're a good guy! You're a good guy! FOR FUCKS SAKE!
See. The camera positioned the monument centered on his crouch. Get it? 
I'd wear a hard hat too if there was an anus raining on me.Blogs this week are making a big stink over Jimmy Kimmel's jokingly yet certainly truthful rhetoric at the ABC network upfronts, which is essentially a dog and pony show for TV networks to display what primetime shows they can fling at advertisers so they can, in return, fling dollars at networks.
Kimmel's monologue (because it certainly sounded and felt like a late night talk show monologue) in front of the advertising stiffs were loaded with gems like 90% of the shows premiering next fall will be canceled yet the advertisers still buy in to the insanity. He even suggested therapy for the ad men and women.
Now, I do not claim to know a whole bunch about the business of television except that that's where I'm getting my income, me being the ever-so earnest blue collar worker. But Kimmel, whether politically-charged his statements were, did poke at a very worthy topic within media, which has now turned to user and reality-based interests. And now that the seemingly blocked-from-the-public vid of his speech is making the rounds on YouTube, this is an interesting opportunity for non-TV people to see the seediness of the TV business.
Good Lord, this is totally not funny at all. What happened to sarcasm? What happened to sophomoric hijinks?
Oh, yeah...
Dr. Christopher Turk prescribes you marijuana for the party fever.
Common is pretty ill when it comes to the mic. In fact, rollin' up today into the 7-Eleven, I blasted "I Used to Love H.E.R." by the Chicago rapper in my hooptie. Now he's apparently acting.Smokin' Aces. Wanted. Street Kings. And soon, Terminator Salvation. I see him as a too cool for school consigliere to a mafia or gang but not some parody filming jive turkey.
So with that said, this is his Funnyordie.com vid (click here to watch) for Dow Jones, which is basically a blaxploitation look at the economy. Common takes out the whiteys in this one. And when Dow Jones gets down, he's always up for the ladies.
Not really my kinda modern blaxploitation fare. I reserve that for Black Dynamite. Trailer below. Yes, they actually made this movie.
I've already articulated my sentiments about the SNL season finale with Will Ferrell. One word: Eh. But one sketch stood out and racked my mind like a Jimmy Stewart movie. The writers were definitely dropping the brown acid on this one but whatever. It has everybody in it. Artie Lange, too. (?)
| The Colbert Report | Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c | |||
| Meghan McCain | ||||
| ||||
Ok, ok. She's kinda sorta alright, looks wise. But under those platinum locks of hers lies a freaky deaky daughter of a prisoner of war (eh, shouldn't really mention that since this article is about me thinking of Ms. McCain as a viable, sexual, intellectual being). During her appearance on The Colbert Report, Meghan, one of the faces of her father John's presidential campaign in '08, reaffirmed her social stances. Aside from being pro-gay marriage, she's also pro-sex...education, something she admits, embarrasingly, to "practicing." Hot. She goes further by saying that abstinence may not be as effective in this generation. So fuck it, use a condom, she implied. I think given the right amount of time and the appropriate forum, she might even go into telling us what kinds of positions she prefers. (Please say doggy. Please say doggy.) Bottom line, it just reaffirms my opinion on conservatives and Republicans and that they are all closeted sexual freaks. And if that's the case, I might be swayed to rock the Grand Ol' Party. That's only if Meghan and Cindy McCain help me make up my mind. Eh? Eh? **Eye wink**
BTW, Meghan, just like 1/24th of the world's population, blogs. Thought you should know that.
Introducing the next best thing...
The Rockets lose. SNL with Will Ferrell was underwhelming. And John Mayer scores with 12 chicks in night. How?
Oh, rolly polly child. Where might ye go?
Pedo-safe Bozo the Clown here to cover up a teen's cooch.
The little engine that could. Toot. Toot.
A Cardinal gives a Steeler-sized whoopin'