Playoff Fever: More Contagious Than Herp...Er...Swine Flu

C*M ON MY FACE!

The NBA. Where last second madness erections happen.

Granted, I've kept up with most of the games in the NBA playoffs through drunken WAP browsing...or sparing TV watching...at bars...drunk. But still, who would have thought that four games in a seven game series would go into extra frames? In a 2-7 matchup, no less?

In my pre-playoffs post (yes, I used alliteration), I dismissed the Baby Bulls due to inexperience and, well, because the Celtics have star power. In fact, Paul Pierce and Jesus Shuttlesworth, er, Ray Allen have more experience in the playoffs in the tip of their penii than the whole Chicago team. But so far in the series, the Bulls have proven that they got charismatic balls. Who knew? Joakim Noah. Brad Miller. Ben Gordon. Derrick Rose. John freakin' Salmons?! They are like the naive but very willing girlfriend that doesn't know how to go down on a guy but is trying so hard that you're left with an unfulfilled but pleasurable mess. Alright, bad analogy.

But still, if you don't know what I'm talking about, six games in this series so far. Four of them have gone to at least one overtime. I think, five of them were decided by less than 4 points. And surprisingly, the Bulls have the Celtics on the ropes. I will be watching the deciding Game 7 somewhere very drunk and very debaucherous, wearing my Ben Gordon jersey. I want this underdog to start barkin'.

In other playoff contagiousness, it took dudes who aren't named Tracy McGrady to get my beloved Rockets past the first round. Actually, it took a very naive, young ball club in the Portland Trail Blazers to lay down for my Houston squad. But, by God, we made it, and now, we get the right to have Kobe, Trevor Ariza, and Pau Gasol wipe our nappy faces up and down the floor. DAMMIT!

Still, it feels good. Like first time in 12 years good, which is the length of time between now and the very next time, I believe, a woman will let me stick my penis inside of her. **Dejected "Wah Wah" Sound**

Cooter Shooter: OY! **Slaps Hand to Forehead**

NOTICE...or REMINDER: "Cooter Shooter" is a list of links/stories I have taken from other places. It's virtually theft until I lick it. You know, like little kids marking territory. IT'S MINE!

Even with an international outbreak of potential pandemic implications, Heidi and Spencer still manage to find their way into newsworthyness.

The Hills newlyweds rocked it Michael Jackson-surgical mask style in Cabo on their honeymoon in the midst of the swine flu epidemic, thus, creating the most useless news story that people are giving two craps about. I weep for the future.

Why am I giving a crap? I thought it was amazing to see a rare sight: two whores in surgical masks. Actually, I've seen that before...the porn parody of Scrubs. [TMZ has more]

Hm. Curly hair, scruffy dude with blonde in a club? Why couldn't I think of that?

I'm a Judd Apatow disciple. Not a hardcore one, you know, to the point where you've seen every episode of Freaks and Geeks and Undeclared and you can recite the lines to those shows just as the characters say them. You know, in fact, I have not seen one episode of those shows. Maybe I'm not big an Apatow-phile as I think I am.

Anyways, focusing on Apatow's directed-written-produced movies, the folks at College Humor wrote a song and shot a music video exhibiting the recurring theme of a shlubby everyman scoring the hot girl, thus, marking my day with fantasy, me being a real shlubby guy, of all things.

Let's just file this under the "false hope" category. (BTW, the female in this video's got that Lindsay Sloan cuteness goin' on).

Eds. Note: Freakin' embed player is acting "hooterific." Link is here.

Sean Hannity thinks Kim K. is a role model. Did I mention she took the magic stick on camera?

In today's WhyTF Am I Mentioning This news, Fox News' Sean Hannity equated Kim Kardashian, who was a guest on his aptly named program Hannity, to a "role model for girls." (?!)

Yes, a role model. That Kim Kardashian.

Nelson Mandela is a role model. The Pope, despite the Church's problems, is a role model. Oprah is a role model.

Kim Kardashian is an amateur pornographer and divorcee who got famous for associating with other people who got famous just for walking and putting on pouty faces, who also has O.J. Simpson as a godfather. Role model? Yeah, if it's for growing a big ass and lovin' the blacks in a totally not racial-equality type of way.

That Dude is So Dead

I have never been privy to NASCAR racing. In fact, I think the only racing I keep up with is IndyCar and that's only because those teams are able to hire little bunches of long, wavy-haired hotness. (Mika Dano, Danica P., I'm talkin' bout you.)

But this seemed pretty exciting. Carl Edwards in the #99 car totally looked like he was joining Dale Earnhardt at the big track in the sky when he went airborne at Talledega.

Other than that, let's dispel some rumors. Not all NASCAR fans or racers are the product of inbreeding or engage in such activity. Also, NASCAR is not simply a family-friendly corporation. Despite shying away from Winston and Busch, these fools still want to cut a rug with the "sinful" products. I still say they need to rename the Dover, Delaware race the KY Jelly Tight Curve 400. You know, to get through those hard-to-get-in spots. And Jeff Gordon, no matter what you're thinking, still cheated on his wife, no matter how hard you want to deny it.

Children, Gather...

Best quips I could think of concerning this "look":

1. Beyonce sho' look diffarent!

2. Stop staring at me, you soul-less, "size 2" temptress.

3. She reminds me of the wife of the Persian owner of my local convenience store.

4. If the big stretchy ass and the lack of color in her eyes weren't enough, I bet the blondeness was a dead giveaway.

I having nothing other than that. Kim K.'s just blonde. This is news?!

[RealTalkNY]

Douchebaggery, Miami-Style

The killer douche...made...a fresh and clean getaway. YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I am depressed on this Monday of Mondays. Aside from the downfall I've seen in my personal life, I'm probably bearing witness to the last Chuck of all-time tonight. I could say a thousand things about the show and give you reasons to watch it. But one episode viewing is enough to make up your mind on the validity and the entertainment factor it holds.

With that said, my Mondays, for at least the next couple of weeks, are spoken for as far as television viewing (How I Met Your Mother, wrestling [Yeah, I still watch wrestling. Big whoop. Wanna fight about it?!]). The schedule does not include CSI:Miami, which I consider the inbred cousin-sister-brother of CSI [Colon] and CSI [Colon] The One with the Chick from 'Providence' with the Hard to Pronounce Last Name and the Dude Who Had No Legs in 'Forrest Gump' but Suddenly Got New Legs at the End. I have turned to other blogging sites to seek solace on a day full of melancholy and embarrassing sadness (Yes, bloggers get emotional, too). It wasn't until 4:15 p.m. that I could get the remedy I need on such a day. That's when I caught on with the best sunglasses wearing, one-liner saying, red-headed B-movie star that actually has steady work on a prime time television serial.

David Caruso, begin your incoherent one-line hijinx. YEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHH!!!

I suggest playing this on days when you believe you are less than nothing. Witnessing douchebaggery is sometimes beneficial and uplifting. Too bad the same...can't be said...for the dead emo hipster. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Cooter Shooter: Friday Afternoon's Suck: The Anticipation Kills Me

My twisted vision of what Fiddler on the Roof would look in 1994.

I hate Friday afternoons. All you do is wait until the end of your work week but it feels like the longest wait of all time. Longer than Brady Quinn waiting in the green room of the NFL Draft in 2007. With that said here's what I've been looking at in my hungover yet obsessive-compulsive state of mind.

I'm on "State" Watch

I am holding on to my balls for the 7/14 release of The State on DVD. I realized that, albeit random, this ensemble of sketch comedy geniuses (?) made some pretty good shit over the years. Role Models, Wet Hot American Summer, Reno 911!. Who can argue? They made "I'm gonna put my balls in it!" a national phoenomenon.

Everyday is a Wainy Day. Oh, look: Sperm.

Today, I discovered a web series from State-member David Wain called Wainy Days. (Apparently, he meant to say Rainy Days but put his name in there instead. CLEVER!) Anyways, I've spent much of the day watching the first two seasons of these 4-6 minute episodes. Wain is very imaginative and carries on that stroke of genius he instilled in Wet Hot in to these episodes. (He's the one capable of making Christopher Meloni hump a refrigerator with such drama.) Yet one thing puzzles me? How does a guy with Wain's look gets put into situations where he's having sex all the time? Hmmm. I mean there's a part where he does Julie Bowen (the blonde chick from Happy Gilmore). How does he hook that up? Anyways, season four is around the corner. Catch up with the show at mydamnchannel.com.

Lil' Wayne Charms the Pants Off The View Ladies

Lil' Wayne looked like a cross of Austin Powers, Whoopi Goldberg, and Boy George on Friday's The View. Wait. Lil' Wayne was on The View? Zoinks!

Anyways, the ladies poke and prod at his body over all the tattoos he has. And don't forget them shiny-ass teeth. They also veer into Wayne's recreational drug use. I call shenanigans on Wayne "not needing drugs."

He must be the biggest BS-er. His virginity story doesn't do him well either.

One Last "State"-ment

The State - MTV Shows

It's a bunch of Jewish comedians making a mockery of devout Catholic Italians. Remember, it's for the POPA!

Nude Man Tased at Coachella

This dude pulled a big no-no with his...ahem..."no-no."

He was a naked wizard that wanted nothing to do but get naked and bust out his "wand." But alas, he got naked, resisted the kind uniformed officers' requests to put his robe back on, and got electrified out of it. It all happened at Coachella this past weekend. Notice about 2 minutes into the vid that the cop in the far end puts on gloves. He knew he was about to get close to some male dangle.

Caution: gratiutous brain hanging. NSFW:

Naked Wizard Tased By Reality from Tracy Anderson on Vimeo.

Cooter Shooter: Mmmm. Randomness.

[Warming Glow] Introducing...my lunch!

Ok, I am Asian. But not the Korean Asian that just eats anything on four legs and has an adorable look on its face before getting devoured. With that said, look at the adorable puppy. Look at it. Look at it. Doesn't he look deliciously adorable with relish on his back?

Car Chase with Benny Hill Music:

I agree with most of my fellow internet perverts geeks that anything is best with Benny Hill in the background. Of course, this applies to broadcasted murder, sex, snuff films, and, you guessed right, Two Girls in a Cup (WTF is my fixation with that?)

Dayman! Fighter of the Nightman!

WhyTF was I not told about this performance? On April 18, the guys from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia did a live theatrical version of "The Nightman Cometh" from its season four finale. In the ep, Charlie, who I think is the Most Valuable Character in the whole series, makes a musical about his insane, inhalant-induced song "Dayman."

Essentially, you have to be an educated stoner to love this show full of sarcasm and biting fravolity all over the place.

Again, though, WHY THE FUCK wasn't I told about the live show? I totally had nothing to do that night. I'm only a car ride away from L.A. F*CK!

What Happens When Ice-T Needs Money:

Ok. I could live with Ice-T doing Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. Primetime TV cop is a role not to sneeze at. But the man who once wanted to kill all cops is providing the voice of a talking mule. This trailer for Tommy and the Cool Mule should just provide enough fodder and criteria to list it on the IMDB Bottom 100.

Oh look! It's Hercules!

Unicorns FTW

This has been on the internets for as long as Two Girls and a Cup has been on the internets. But for some reason, just like TGAAC, I enjoy Charlie the Unicorn very much. The short animated vid has spawned not so significant sequels, so enjoy this original. Is it too late for a 4/20 style smoke out laced with acid?

Cooter Suiter: One Line Thoughts for 4/21

The Rebel Force will be run by wookies. 'Nuff said.

Picture above is actually that of Iranian snipers and not wookies. But in your heart of hearts, Chewie's species don't need AKs to kick ass.

Lily Allen was on The View, essentially down-playing her real-life role as a "popwreck." I want to believe her, but I can't. That third nipple of hers is all the reason.

Apparently, The Fray likes "fish sticks" as well as the freakin' Grey's Anatomy band covers Kanye's "Heartless."

For the 10 millionth time, I will not Tweet. I refuse to do it. And, if, by God, you make me do it, I will burn your house down, pee on the ashes, burn the ashes, and take a dump on them. I mean it!

Yvonne Strahovski on Chuck provides us fanboys with the much-needed super female spy sexiness that we've sorely missed with Jennifer Garner's Sydney Bristow on Alias. Last night's episode was that proof. [Screen grabs here and video here. WARNING: White cotton panty action.]

I find a lot of irony that a Taco Bell in Indiana has been the hot bed for rampant sexual activity. The downer: it took kids who walked-in on the action in progress for the shit to be exposed. Video here.

Finally, get ready to make your own Godfather/"I got a horse head in my bed" jokes now. Story HERE.

The Ultimate Business Model

"Hell, I got a dinosaur!"

"There is no way in hell this is real," I thought while watching Toby Jones sell his unique combined venture of deep fry BBQ and foot massage.

But somehow, in this troubling economic atmosphere, I believe anybody can sell anything if they are willing to put the full-foot and BBQ forward. And this guy ain't no fo'.

If it is fake, it's one of the funniest (borderlining on racist) things I have seen in a while. If it is indeed an innovative business model, then massage my feet in some teriyaki sauce mixed with elk blood while you thrice-fry me some elk "hushpuppies".

Don't know what I'm talking 'bout. Just watch:

And if that wasn't enough, Jones got a website: http://www.jonesbigasstruckrentalandstorage.com/jonesgoodassbbqandfootmassage.html.

'The State' on DVD. Lollipops, Indeed.

Since this seems like the most widespread but very worthy news item of the day, that pesky sketch comedy show that MTV of all channels greenlit back in the early '90s will finally be available for your DVD purchase.

The State will come out on a five-disc set July 14. Of course, the DVD release has been long rumored since DVDs went widespread, which is a good six years after the show went off the air.

If you're asking what's so special about this show, then you have no extreme sense of twisted humor. I remember this show. I was exposed at the ripe young age of 9 to the wacky hijinx of the crew that includes those who would be later known as Deputy Weigel (Kerri Kenney-Silver), Lt. Dangle (Thomas Lennon), Michael Ian Black (Michael Ian Black), David Wain (David Wain), and Michael Showalter Show Alter's own Michael Showalter.

You have to imagine being very impressionable and being exposed to such innate humor that when you grow up, you realize what exactly went on in that one sketch about the hormones rubbing up on each other. Literally, there was a sketch about guys in body suits rubbing up on each other representing a man and woman's hormones. Funny shit. And very significant, too, as the troupe of 11 young talents would go on to create cultish humor among those in the know. Plus, no sketch comedy cast could pull off dudes in drag better than The State. Yeah, yeah, Kids in the Hall did it just as well, I guess.

MTV.com is streaming full eps of the first season. That should hold you over until the DVD release.

WTF is 'Opposite Marriage'?

I hate beauty pageants with a passion. And I do not dare post anything emphasizing the fact that pageants are essentially a glorified herding of blondes and your occasional black version of Barbie. But check it out, Miss California is creating a shit storm.

There are some points to this whole question and answer massacre between Miss Cali-Cali and Miss Perez Hilton. Ms. Carrie Prejean did stick to her guns about her stance on gay (opposite?) marriage. The hitch, though, was that that was how her family brought her up, according to that very contrived verbal diarrhea. (Good God!) And, apparently, we live in a country where we can decide on "opposite" marriage despite the fact that Miss Hilton did say four states have legalized that kind of marriage.

[Perez Hilton has more on the pageant shit storm on his blog. Enjoy all the MS Paint edits of pictures with crudely created penii.]

Ah. Judges asking questions to deer essentially staring at headlights pageant contestants have to be the best part of these nationally televised herdings. How will we be able to start a fervor over shit like Miss California's response and this little blonde headed cutie's reply to finding things on a map?

Gotta love ultra-superficial estrogenic incoherency!

Lady Gaga (!)

[Socialite Life]

Lady Gaga, WTF is your appeal?

Why do people dig your music? And WTF is up with your look?

!!!!!!1!!11!!!!!1!1!!

Oh, yeah. The appeal is the catchy ass songs.

Still not a pass for the crazy ass look, though.

Lady Gaga, you've been put on notice, you zanier, German version of Christina Aguilera.

Cooter Suiter: One-Liner Thoughts

Ooo. Something new. I've been busy with "work" and watching Chuck on Hulu. Life's not a total waste.

When he's not kicking Mecha-Streisand down with Leonard Maltin and Sidney Poitier, Robert Smith rocks the F' out.

I missed another opportunity at attending Coachella (fourth straight festival in a row while living just mere miles away from the Polo Grounds), thus making my perpetual slingshot into downward oblivion much more realer.

Here's how Coachella went from the people I heard from:

Morrissey is one crazy Nazi vegetarian.

Airborne Toxic Event is nothing to sneeze at.

Despite what you think of him, Paul McCartney is still a Beatle, a legend, and can still rock the F' out.

$10 for a water bottle. WTF?

$7 for a Heineken. WTFFFFF?

Another $10 for a hamburger. That's enough to turn yourself Morrissey, Nazi vegan.

Despite the buildup, the clamor for Saturday's headliners, The Killers, was awfully quiet.

Yes to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

Robert Smith and The Cure can still mystify a crowd of thousands even in the Desert night sky. *pffft* Sorry. I farted.

Other thoughts:

I am growing deeper into the emo look more than anytime in my life. That's what happens when you grow straight hair like mine and have the urge to start an Indie band in the vein of Interpol or My Chemical Romance. Now I want to go into a corner and cut myself.

NBA Playoffs started this weekend. Rockets kicked ass. Celtics, Spurs got their asses kicked. Sweet.

Chuck on NBC looks like it will get canceled...but not if we do something about. Sign the petition, bitch!

I am so over the Twitter craze. This leads me to add Twitter to a list of things that I have been dissuaded from because of Ashton Kutcher. Prick.

Finally got to see Slumdog Millionaire. For some reason, I too have jumped into a vat of shit in order to get somebody's autograph. Whose autograph, you ask? You guessed it. Frank Stallone.

I've never thrown up so much in one weekend than I have this past weekend. On a related note, I expect Gregory Peck to assist in my exorcism this weekend.

In that's all I have. Whatchu got, mang?

The Other Basketball Tournament I Care About

The Cavs? WTF?

Just like any NBA game, the NBA regular season focuses on only the beginning and end. Who cares if Allen Iverson got traded to Detroit, is coming off the bench, and is bitching about that too? Who cares if Kobe is distracting people with his great play while he covertly cheats on his wife with this year's hot crop of 19-year-old white chicks? And who knew that a kid from Akron, Ohio could lead his hometown NBA team to a possible run at the Larry O'Brien Trophy? Who knew?

In about eight excruciating weeks, we will know which best Eastern and Western Conference teams will take each other on for the weirdest but acceptable trophy in pro sports: the NBA World Championship.

No time to bore you on who's in. 16 teams are eligible, legally, to go for that run. And after all of that, four rounds of basketball is needed for one team to win it all. Cue the John Tesh, NBA on NBC theme. Roundball, playoff-style is back!

Now I bore you with who's in:

Western Conference

(1) LA Lakers vs. (8) Utah Jazz

Ah, yes. LA is back in a familiar place. Last year was supposed to be the year Kobe shut his nay-sayers up with a single-handed storming of the NBA Playoffs. I bet he would give his right testicle to get back Game Four of last year's NBA Finals.

Utah is going in the opposite direction. Once feared in the West, the Jazz (the team, not the music...the music still has no business in Mormon-land) are losers of seven of the last nine. Momentum, huh? Maybe, it was a good time for the Rox to play them in the first round (I'll get to my beloved team later).

(2) Denver vs. (7) New Orleans

Denver is simply rejuvenated thanks to the Chauncey Billups-cancerous brain tumor, er, I mean, Allen Iverson trade. The Nuggs will enjoy playoff position as they take on the Hornets.

The Bayou Bugs were the talk of the playoffs last year, nearly taking out San Antonio in the Second Round. This time around, their playoff positioning has many thinking this could be a one-and-done situation. Who knows how Chris Paul's midseason injury will affect N.O. in the playoffs.

(3) San Antonio vs. (6) Dallas

Take the drive up and down I-35 and you'll get the AAC and the AT&T. Ok, you're not so privy to short hand but, yeah, it's the homes to the Mavs and the Spurs. If you said this was the 2005 season, then I would have given you the Mavs, easy, despite the fact that the Spurs won that year. But the Mavs aren't so mighty this year (they were eliminated by the out-of-nowhere Hornets last year). Just stop yourself, though, before the ink dries for the Spurs on your bracket. The Spurs will play workmanlike, playoff basketball. This is when they're most effective. I like the Spurs, even without Manu.

(4) Portland vs. (5) Houston

The Blazers are back in the playoffs after a six season hiatus. They got Brandon Roy. If you haven't seen him play, see him play.

But that's all the compliments I'm giving them. If the Rox stand to pass the first round, it's in this capacity with Yao in the middle, Artest busting heads, a very underrated Shane Battier providing defensive support, and a lights-out shooting touch like Luis Scola's. They need to play the capable yet weak team to perfection here. Yet it's times like these that I wish this team had a real point guard.

Eastern Conference

(1) Cleveland vs. (8) Detroit

No fifth straight season to the East Finals for Detroit. If the Pistons are to put some Knickerbocker-eighth seeded magic back in, they'll have to take their heads out of their asses and play like this is their last year in the Palace.

With that said, Lebron. Mo Williams. Both too much for Motor City this year. LeBron will eventually get a redemption chance at winning the World Championship this year.

(2) Boston vs. (7) Chicago

Boston will more than likely be without Kevin Garnett, leaving the onus of the inside game to Tony Battie, er, I mean, Glen Davis, I mean, Brian Scallabrine (does he still play there?) I have no idea how Boston will thrive past the first round with out KG. But they had to see this coming. The C's had to play without KG. Look for Paul Pierce to spark the Celts against the Baby Bulls (sorry, Chi-town, but I give you no chance...but not as much as a chance the Celts have getting out of the East finals, at the most.)

(3) Magic vs. (6) Philadelphia

Philadelphia should keep it close. They did, after all, put Detroit on the ropes as the 7 seed last year. The Magic still have an intimidating presence in the middle in the form of 23-year-old Dwight Howard. DH is a beast, everybody, and the Sixers are too undersized to bust the lane for easy scores against Dwight Howard. Watch the Magic advance here and give Boston a scare in the second round.

(4) Atlanta vs. (5) Miami

If this doesn't say late '90s NBA nostalgia. Remember back in the day when it was Stacey Augmon and the Hawks against Alonzo Mourning and the Heat back in '96? Was that just a scenario I remembered when playing NBA Hangtime on my Sega Genesis? Hm. Anyways, the lineups are different this time around. The Hawks are a deep basketball club. Josh Smith. Joe Johnson. Al Horford. They have weapons. The Heat have Dwyane Wade. Shawn Marion, a strong second weapon, I guess. I see the Hawks redeeming themselves this first round. They had the momentum last year to win against the Celts as the number eight.

Somehow, I Believe Lil' Wayne

We played Thomas the Tank Engine. She told me to put my train in her tunnel.

Playboy Magazine, which is the only periodical I read ONLY for the articles, will publish an interview with Lil' Wayne. In it, Weezy F. Baby talks about the moment he lost his virginity. It's something so far fetched and so unbelievable that for someone of Wayne's stature, I actually believe. It just makes me wonder if I could have gotten more play from those good ol' games of Sorry! and Operation with the neighborhood girl next door.

Should I repost this? This is like kiddie porn. I didn't do anything, so no harm done:

I was 11 and the girl was 13. She had every board game you could imagine. I liked board games. We was playing Win Lose or Draw and on the board she wrote, “F*ck me.” Now I was 11, and I didn’t even know it meant “intercourse.” I just knew it was a cuss word, so I was like, “Why is she cussing herself out?” She said, “Do you want to play ‘Press Your Luck’? Well, the game is in my closet.” She had a walk-in closet, so she said, “Go get it, it’s right to the right….” When I walk to the closet she came in and cut the lights off and took off my pants, and I remember my ass was cold up against the wall. I was like, “What the hell!?” When I tried to push her off me, I felt that she was naked also, so I just stepped back and let her do what she do. [Best Week Ever/Dlisted]

Hm. Lil' Wayne father a child at 14. Shit. At 11 to 14, my only concern was if I could get that science diorama the correct way it should be. My thoughts were never on playing Uno and then putting my uno in the dos. All power to the dopest rapper in the game right now. If only I could find that girl to "let her do what she do."

This Week's Catch-22: Lindsay Lohan

I don't think I've dove into the Lindsay Lohan discussion yet. I did have the biggest, "pedophile-like" obsession over Lindsay. My God, the days that passed with me thinking about how I can hope to motorboat her were endless.

Of course, time passes when a young teen turns into a 20-something person with a crazy obsession for coke, cigarettes, alcohol, weight loss, and sex. But enough about me, Lindsay is the focus.

Nevertheless, Lindsay, despite all the abuse she has put on her frame, she still has a nice albeit messed-up body. She's quite crazy too. But Catch-22: is Lindsay still desirable? The papparazi still think so.

With that, here's Lindsay doing an eHarmony dating spoof, coming just weeks after her break up with girlfriend Samantha Ronson.

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

Paul Rudd on Sesame Street: I Approve!

Paul Rudd has tackled roles on homosexuality and obesity, as well as taken roles as a 'shroom-taking father, a desperate man-friend, and an ex-boyfriend of near-stalker proportions. But Sesame Street was the venue for his most important role yet: singing, dancing planet advocating the importance of being "green." For some reason, I thought Oscar the Grouch was that show's permanent advocate of being "green," not just because of his color.

Anyways, Rudd is extremely likable in this role and he definitely doesn't put on the "look at me, I'm a celebrity, out of place in a studio full of Muppets" kind of role.

Now, if only we got Seth Rogen to pull a role on the Street. He'd probably teach Grover the importance of cultivation and growth hydroponic goods on a street window sill.

More Rudd here as well:

Sunday Was Easter, Weird

I have officially "Perezed" this pic. Did you know Kristin Davis had a Hitler 'stache?

I was actually happy to go to church on Sunday, however long I haven't gone and however the time I went (8 a.m., but sure beats sunrise services). I followed the Catholic tradition of going to church on the "biggie" days of the year. The other days beside Easter, under unofficial Christian protocol, are on Christmas and when you desperately want God to do something for you. Don't think you haven't asked for something from God one day and then, the other days, it's a simple output of the Creator. Don't put him on the backbruner, dammit!

Anyways, Easter weekend fell on the same weekend the droves of gay men decided to show up in my sleepy town. You know, it's the fabulous day of the year for the male homosexual persuasion: White Party Weekend. It's unique to find out the lore behind the weekend. You find out things like what exactly the 25,000 or so gay men do on this particular weekend, no details included. The thing off-putting was that I live just down street from my town's gay central and I could literally hear and see the Party go down. There was a freakin' ferris wheel there! A big gay ferris wheel. Needless to say, I reveled and detested the fact of the party being just screaming distance away. But you gotta admit, they have some cool ass music. Damn, that music is hot.

Fitting into the day of the White Party, I decided willingly to watch Sex and the City: The Movie On Demand. Why you ask? Eh. I don't know either. I mean, the day just seemed destined to have me sit in on two hours of estrogenic hijinks and talk of Louis Vuitton handbags and shoes! SHOES! I really haven't watched the series and something about seeing Samantha have sex is just icky. The movie was cute, for the most part. Then, I made the required subsequent vomiting after viewing the movie. Freakin' SJP. She's not as hot as she used to be in the early 90s. Dude, I just remembered. She was in the First Wives Club. Eck, how am I rehashing these chick flicks?

I also watched Chuck On Demand as well. This show's pretty underrated for NBC, but, then again, they promo the hell out of Heroes and Medium and nothing really comes of it so I figure the same is happening to Chuck. I actually like this show and plan to watch tonight's new one coming on at 9 p.m. That's if my fancy is put off at that point. I mean, I watched freakin' Sex and the City and heard a gay disco go down feet away.

Eh. No more blogging. I figure this is filler just to get back on track after a whole week of getting sick and spreading it. Those herpes flare ups are awfully inconvenient.

I'm an Asian. I'm From Texas. How Do I Feel About This?

The way things are doesn't settle well with this lady, especially when Asian names are involved.

You know that nagging feeling you get when you just threw up your lunch and the same thing is happening to your back end? No. You don't know that feeling?

Ok. Very well. Considering that's the overall feeling of my weeklong illness, which I hope I'm getting over like a good relationship that ended because she didn't feel like she was making me happy, oh no, she was, but she found that justice to break up with me anyways...ehhhh...(ruh roh. TANGENT. Back on track.), I find it overwhelming to get over an illness with this news, being the proud Asian-Texan:

You know what really ruffles the feathers of Texas State Representative Betty Brown? Asian names. She could take or leave the Asians themselves, but their names? She's definitely leaving those.

That's why Ms. Brown has proposed that Asians ditch their given names and use names that are "easier for Americans to deal with." She was responding to a representative's complaint that Chinese, Japanese and Korean people sometimes have difficulty voting due to disparities between their legal, transliterated names and the common English names used on driver's licenses and school registrations. [Asylum/Chron.com]

Since I'm naturally selfish, I'll tell you how this would affect me if this lady got her way. Absolutley no effect on me, whatsoever. I'm not Asian. I'm actually Spanish. I may look like I did wrong against the U.S. in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii in 1941, but believe me, I'm not like those Asians. I speak-a a lot of Hispanol, ya dig? That leaves me with one hitch, though. They still haven't fixed the border-immigration thing yet, right? So, I'm so a fugitive from INS. Si. Great. Changon!

ILVTOFU Too!

That's right, Colorado. I love "TOFU" and there's nothing mushy about it, either.

One lady got in trouble because Colorado has a nasty mind. Ha. Hahaha. Ha.

Colorado vegan Kelly Coffman-Lee loves tofu, but the dirty-minded DMV wouldn't let her get a personalized license plate reading "ILVTOFU," for fear that other dirty-minded drivers would misinterpret the vanity plate's message.

Says Department of Revenue spokesman Mark Couch: "We don't allow 'FU' because some people could read that as street language for sex."

Coffman-Lee, however, thinks the DMV shouldn't be able to censor her passion for bean curd. "That's a little bit '1984' to me," she says. [Asylum]

You can't blame the Rocky Mountain State for putting the brakes on a near disastrous vanity plate. Imagine what drivers on the road would think when they see ILVTOFU on the back of that lady's SUV. Meat eaters would be like, "I resent that! Don't be spreading that veganism hatred on me, sister!" And other vegans would be like, "Show everybody up with your great sign about loving TOFU, will ya? Why I oughta..." Is there nothing sacred about showing your love about bean curd cubes?

Oh, yeah, she loves to f*ck you, as well. So there's that.

Billy Bob Thornton = D*ck

Of the five vowels in the alphabet, which one did you think was replaced by the asterisk in this title? I'm sure the title doesn't equate to Billy Bob Thornton being a 'deck' or a 'dock' or a 'duck,' or, for that matter, a 'dack.'

No, Mr. Thornton was simply a dick doing the same dick things that I hear Hollywood types do when they reach out to the public medium but I usually turn a blind eye or death ear to. No, Mr. Thornton just embodied the Hollywood dick without any hitches or consolations contained when he appeared on a Canadian radio talk show with his band the Boxmasters.

Mr. French Fried Pataters had the gall to expect the interviewer, who so eloquently and patiently explained his line of question to the "actor," to only ask questions about him being a musician. First of all, when you think of Billy Bob Thornton, what is the first thing that comes to mind? Hm? Actor? Yes. Crazy redneck who wore Angelina Jolie's blood around his neck? Maybe. Musician? Just about third or fourth down on the list.

Second, Mr. Thornton acted like his "requests" to move along his line of questioning was pre-ordained as if he was Jesus Christ. You, sir, are no Jesus Christ. You won only one Oscar and that was for writing. You were in freakin' Mr. Woodcock and School for Scoundrels and Armageddon and The Astronaut Farmer. Nothing says "down to earth" and "home grown" then redneck premadonna.

A Dose of Blasphemy for Your Easter

There are two sides to every person. One side usually counteracts the extreme of the other, and in vice-versa. This concept comes into play when the video for "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails comes into play. See, I am very devout in my belief in Jesus Christ being my Lord and Saviour and Eternal Redeemer. There's no jokes about that, no quick quips. But that's my George Bushian side of me saying that.

My liberal, artsy-fartsy side says this nearly four minute motion picture accompanying the unique industrial sound of Mr. Trent Reznor is a feast for the eyes and carries on the grittiness of life. That's if you equate life with sado-masochism, bondage, bestiality, torture, and straight-up blasphemy.

Duality is what we all live for in our lives. We can appear to be the most squeaky clean entity on earth all in the hopes of getting into God's heavenly gates on the first try. But you can't shake the true being that comes from within. Just a reminder, Jesus died in order for us to live without sin...and without the stigma of filming/watching a semi-snuff film featuring people spinning on tourniquets and a severed pig's head doing the same on some crazy Eli Whitney-type cotton gin contraption.

Enjoy! (SVFNSFW):

Editor's Note: The point of this post is to drive home the true meaning of Easter, however twisted I present it. God forgives you for who you are, no matter what. It's not enough that we've been given the gift of "second life" through His Son's death that we have to live our lives in torture over our wrongdoings. Next time you think you're not worthy of this world because of your perceived guilt, be reminded that you were given the greatest gift and opportunity for this world through human sacrifice. Relax. Now, enough Bible-thumping. Replay that crazy monkey crucifixion again!

This Dog Hates Your Guts

Parity is the greatest part of blogging these days besides anonymous abuse and insults toward entities that simply piss you off.

So, what better way to give you parity and abuse in one posting than to give you this newborn puppy in a teacup. And news flash for you: I am channeling all my hatred through this teacup puppy.

Why must this be the case? Because I'm in a hateful mood and I figure you can't blame me when something cute like a teacup puppy fills your screen. I mean, look at this son of a bitch. It's yawning and it's smaller than the size of the teacup! Plus, it's a judgmental racist.

And what's the concept of parity having to do with this posting. It's simply a nod to the cutest yet most sarcastic blog on Blogspot besides my own. I dare you to check it out.

Oh, yeah. This teacup dog thinks your mother's a whore and your father holds the money. The dog's words, not mine.

[Best Week Ever]

The Bucs Bought Themselves a Lemon

Kay-Dub Number 2 is back in Florida. I think a motorcyle wheelie celebration is in order.

Why I'm still not a sports beat writer for a financially strapped newspaper or online news edition is beyond me. I can pretend to give a crap about every little thing in sports because there's an affixed 200 or so pro teams that operate every day because fans still give a crap about them. I don't know what the point of this two sentence rambling is about, but I'm pretty pissed that Kellen Winslow II got a new contract from his new team, the largest ever for an NFL tight end.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers were tricked into signed the four-year veteran to a six-year, $36.1 million contract extension with $20.1 million in guarantees, ESPN's John Clayton first reported.

Naturally, I have my doubts for somebody who was so hard headed at the University of Miami, FL that he carried that over to the NFL, was not worth the sixth overall pick the Cleveland Browns drafted him at in 2004, and, basically, gave a big "f**k you" to management by aggravating a knee injury with a extracurricular rice-rocket stunt show in a parking lot, which was caught on tape.

In my opinion, that money should be saved to sign other worthy tight ends like Antonio Gates and Jason Witten (I think). You know, the team first, me last kind of deals. But what do I know about the NFL. I work for no reputible news organization nor have I worked in a pro or college sports team. Although, I dream of the day I get plucked from the crowd and be told to coach the Denver Broncos, and then, piss off the star quarterback who was supposed to carry the future of the franchise. (Broncos FTW, BTW.)

Kumar (Without Harold) Goes to the White House

I feel absolutely safe about this guy representing me.

The year 2009 looks to be a signature year for the Harold & Kumar alumni. John Cho, affectionately known as Harold, will take on the role of Sulu in the upcoming Star Trek reimagining. Neil Patrick Harris, equally affectionately known as "NPH," is kicking ass on How I Met Your Mother, and, I'm calling it here and now, Harris will trump that jack-ass Jeremy Piven to win this year's Emmy for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series.

And there comes news today of Kal Penn, the star of movies like Epic Movie, Bachelor Party Vegas, Van Wilder, and Van Wilder 2: Rise of the Taj, taking up a role in the White House. Of course, the writers of his now-former show House had to "off" him in a very tragic manner. You know, Kurt Cobain-style. (Let this be a PSA on suicide: don't kill yourself that violently. You do want to look good for the ladies at your open casket funeral.)

Now, we're not talking about a new dramatic TV series or comedy about the White House, Oval Office, or East Wing, for that matter. But Penn, who plays our favorite Indian stoner Kumar, will be a something to the Obama administration and the Asian and Pacific Islander community...or something. No, really.

*sigh* Entertainment Weekly gots this:

White House spokesman Shin Inouye said Tuesday that the actor who has a recurring role on Fox's TV show "House" and has starred in several movies would join the staff as an associate director in the Office of Public Liaison.

His role will be to connect Obama with the Asian-American and Pacific Islander communities, as well as arts and entertainment groups.

So I think that's cool. Kal Penn is a versatile character actor. Unfortunately, the only character he can play in this movie industry age is "generic Indian-American." But that's Hollywood's way of thinking that diversity exists. They more than remade up for it with Slumdog Millionaire. I haven't seen that movie yet but I imagine it's more like this.

You Sick, Twisted F**k, You!

Yeah. This probably f**ked up the beginning of your day. I bet you were there just drinking your $4 latte, just minding your own business, reading the Family Circus in your defunct local paper of yours. Then, BAM! Freakin' shihtzu in a bikini. If you're like me, you have lost your faith in humanity and other dog owners as well. And if you're the kind of person in to this, then f**k you too!

[Pet Pet Blog]

Cooter Footer: Realism on Relationships

In my current relational state of affairs, I can only wonder how I've gone this long without holding on to a long-term relationship more than six months long. Then, I watch this clip from Chris Rock's HBO stand-up comedy special Never Scared.

It's not that I can't hold onto a relationship for long. It's just that I haven't so long as to strike one up. You know, the "in-between girlfriends for three freakin' years" phase.

So for inspiration, and for me to think twice on re-entering the market, I give you this food for thought from Mr. Rock, who makes several good points.

The bulletpoints of this six minute vid are...

• Re-examine the times you were "in love"; 0:00-0:57 makes it clear to you
  
• It's all about her, no matter what
• Don't argue with her; In the end, she will win anyways
• And, face it, some guys are good, but were you good enough to be "the first choice?"
  

Realism like this makes me and Chris Rock the worst viewers of pornography ever. We won't buy the acting those "actors" are selling until the whole scene "ends."

I Met This Guy Yesterday...

Couldn't get the camera out to take a pic, but, by God, his chin and forehead were bigger than I imagined.

Palm Springs is definitely not Hollywood. I'm glad I can clear that up with my friends back in Texas, who still think I'm in the "glamourous" part of California after three years.

With that said, I met Kevin Weisman. You know, Marshall from Alias? You know, the hobbit-loving guy from Clerks II? The guy who has the freakishly huge forehead, nose, and chin and I'm still amazed that he's not a year-round Mardi Gras float. Me being sick and all but with the itch to just bust the F' out of my abode, I met Mr. Weisman over a game of cards. This is the un-teenth occasion that I have come across somebody from TV or movies or in the semi-celebrity realm of poker out in this Desert hole. The previous times meeting these people included me freaking the f**k out over who he/she was.

But this occasion, I was too sick and too "wise" (eh, get it) to start bombarding Mr. Weisman with questions about Alias or Jennifer Garner or Michael Vartan or, for that matter, Victor Garber (hello? TV nerd here!) Mr. Weisman wouldn't be that big for you to identify. For that matter, I've already met Willie Garson (bald gay dude with glasses in the Sex and the City movie and series), Sara Rue (the once fat chick who had top-billing on her own TV show on ABC called Less Than Perfect), Kristy Gazes (female professional poker player who I essentially freaked the f**k over and eventually forced out of the poker room for me being too rowdy over her appearance), and Ricki Lake (we all know who she is...I took 100 dollars from her...score!) I know, big celebrities.

I find it funny that I meet the actors and actresses here in California and I've met the professional sports figures in my home state. I mean, I've met Nolan Ryan. And I've gotten thisclose to Roger Clemens. Wow, if I only knew he'd been juicing. I've should have seen the signs. I did see him limp though as if he had something sharp go through his bum. (I was only writing what you were thinking...Gah!)

A 'High Octane, Adrenaline Rush' Wins Box Office Weekend

I just made you c*m in your pants with explosions, fast driving, and my husky scrawl.

You would think that after two attempts at a sequel, both included big star names like Tyrese, Ludacris, Eva Mendes (actually, there's nothing wrong with her), and Bow Wow, that The Fast and the Furious-er franchise would learn their lesson and keep that "edge-of-your-seat" joy ride for another day. But nooooo. They had to bring the movie back. And bring back the original cast. And bring back the shitty director of the middle two movies.

And apparently, that was enough to draw $30.1 million (?!) on Fast and Furious' Friday opening (they fuckin' ran out of ideas to name this bitch). America, F*CK YOU! How dare you make this picture that brought back Vin Diesel (oh, do I long for another Pitch Black sequel), Paul Walker (he still acts?!), and Michelle Rodriguez (she still acts?!) the biggest opening in April! I blame you, movie-going dense population of middle-America, for solidifying the possibility of a fifth fuckin' F-n-F movie and effectively showing the world that we will watch anything (despite the French still laughing at Jerry Lewis and despite the fact that every person, shit fetishist or not, has seen Two Girls and a Cup). What the hell does this franchise have left? A motion picture of Vin Diesel taking a dump for 90 minutes and then calling it The Fast and The Furious: Vin Diesel's Turd (yes, "turd," in every way, shape, and form of the word). Ok, I'm not being fair to this movie because I haven't seen it. Still, a mighty, hardy middle finger to you, moviegoing public!

Heels-Spartans...Who Do You Got?

Either way, we all win.

My God! You can't help but root for this National Championship game coming up this Monday at Ford Field in Detroit. North Carolina produced a Whacking Day-like...whacking of Villanova, fulfilling half of the prophecy that with at least seven Big East teams in the Tourney, none of them was up to snuff to win the whole enchilada. (Heels over 'Nova in the Nat'l Semis, 83-69.)

In the other Big East wank fest, Michigan State played behind a Spartan-centric crowd (Ford Field is located within 45 minutes from East Lansing) and the aura that the Big Ten is no conference to fuck with (seriously) by dismissing the mighty UConn Huskies, 82-73, in the other Nat'l Semifinal.

So we get a rematch of the same two teams from the Dec. 3, 2008 matchup that also took place at Ford Field. UNC dispatched the Spartans in a 30-point thrashing. Still, it's the Big Ten vs. the ACC. (Holy shit! You never saw that coming. If you predicted an all Big East Final Four, then you were smoking something or your so-called radar for college basketball got busted...don't worry, Dick Vitale, Digger Phelp, Jay Bilas, and Hubert Davis led me astray as well.) But I figure no matter who was in the final, whether it be a wankfest between the Duke Blue Devils and the New York Fashion Institute of Technology (MAKE IT WOOOORK!), then you'd still be drinking, pretending to know that the Tar Heels will make you beat them from the perimeter, and beating your girlfriend for going against you just because it would make you mad...HAHA.

Oh, yeah, we got like hot girls from the Final Four teams from Gunaxin. God bless coeds!

Oh, Yeah, Wrestlemania's Tonight

Take THAT, you smelly ol' brute!

In news you don't have to take seriously or treat as if it's real, the 25th anniversary of Wrestlemania is tonight. It's the World Wrestling Federation's marquee event set to showcase its talent to the forefront of international sports entertainment and yah-dah yah-dah yah-dah...could not give a shit. I tell you right now, ever since I spent 55 dollars on last year's Wrestlemania, shell out 40 dollars each for four other WWE pay-per-views, spend another 200 dollars for a pay-per-view in San Diego, and led to believe that all their shit is hardcore wrestling only to be shown that it's TV-PG entertainment at its worst, I have been jaded with "sports entertainment," aka seeing how far this abortion goes.

I have to care, though, because this year's Wrestlemania takes place at the massive Reliant Stadium in my hometown of Houston, Texas. And of course, I freak the fuck out when something big like this happens to my hometown. (Hey, Knicks fans! Remember 1994? God, I love that year. GO ROX!)

So without further ado, I will highlight the card for Wrestlemania in my beloved hometown, from ascending order of importance or how I see it being played out:

JBL (c) vs. Rey Mysterio, Intercontinental Championship: After a long nap not having a match at Wrestlemania, the IC championship returns to be defended at the "biggest stage of them all." JBL won the title from CM Punk, who virtually laid down for Big Boobies John. Rey Mysterio is back at WM for the first time also since winning the World "Heavyweight" Championship at WM XXII. I like Rey Mysterio, but watch Jiggly Boobs Layfield win this one and then "create history," however the f*ck he does it.

25-Diva Battle Royal: Just set your DVR to slow motion on this one so you can have a "free hand." If you're a wrestling purist, then this one's not for you. I will say Beth Phoenix, Gail Kim, or Michelle McCool leaves this one as "Miss Wrestlemania," really, whatever the fuck that is.

Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy, Extreme Rules Match: Fuck if I know about this one. WWE is running the angle that Matt created the "dark cloud" that sabotaged Jeff's 2008. It's what led to Jeff's house burning down, Jeff getting his second drug suspension, Jeff getting knocked out in a Boston hotel stairwell, Jeff blah muthafuckin' blah muthafuckin' blah. Still, if you know the Hardys in Extreme Rules matches at Wrestlemania, they will throw limb and caution to entertain you people. At the end, Matt and Jeff will have family dinner and they'll talk about "what chair shot to the head?" or "what barb-wire baseball hit to the mid-section?" Watch Jeff win or a surprise happen here.

The Bella Twins: Creating the illusion that twins are hot, but separate them and you got two chicks who've groupied for Motley Crue at separate occasions.

John Morrison & The Miz vs. Carlito and Primo, Undisputed WWE Tag Team Championship: So we get a weak-ass angle where Miz & Morrison steal the Colons' girls, the Bella Twins, from each other, back and forth, over the past several months. Talk about manufacturing a frickin' soap opera. Each team holds tag titles for their respected brands. But all is on the line. Nikki is with the "In Crowd" while Brie is in the corner of the Colons. (I can tell which one is which. Brie has the hot pelvis tattoos. You can't have the girls separate, though. It's just weird to tag only one of them in bed.) This match will be contested in a Lumberjack match so there's a guarantee an undisputed tag champ comes out. Watch Miz and Morrison come out with the titles via Brie turning on the Carribean duo.

8-Man Money in the Bank Ladder Match: Shelton Benjamin. MVP. CM Punk. Kane. Finlay. Mark Henry. Christian. Kofi Kingston. You want high wrestling spots where one man leaps into a crowd of his competitors from the top-most rung of a ladder? Eh, me neither. But this match guarantees excitement for the 20 minutes that it's given. Originated at Wrestlemania 21, the MITB match creates drama and brute force from all of its competitors, all with the goal of becoming the Money in the Bank briefcase holder. The briefcase holds a guaranteed title shot for any title, at any time, for up to one year. So a whole lot, like, is riding on this. CM Punk won this baby last year and still some people forget he was a World Champion. The field is deep, but watch MVP win this one. The whole world, including me, is waiting for an MVP world championship reign. (For some nagging reason, I still think it's not going to happen soon.)

Chris Jericho vs. Roddy Piper, Jimmy Snuka, and Ricky Steamboat with Ric Flair: I know exactly what will happen in this one (we have a run-in with "Wrestler" Mickey Rourke with the team of legends picking up the win). Still, Jericho's angle, despite all the repetition, still has juice on it and I'm intrigue how this will all go down. Jericho, a once-party animal heel/face/heel, is one of the best things going for the WWE. (Despite what you think of bad guys and good guys, bad guys still play a huge role in professional wrestling. If we had all wrestlers as faces, then what kind of business will there be?)

Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels, The "Streak" vs. "Mr. Wrestlemania": I refuse to get sucked into this match and its lead up. But, alas, I still do because these two are still the biggest names going in the industry, period. Undertaker, aka "The American Bad-Ass" aka just plain ol' 42-year-old Mark Calloway from Houston, has the fabled undefeated streak at WM (16-0). He puts that streak on the line against Shawn Michaels, aka "The Showstopper" aka "The Main Event" aka "The Man who Lost his Smile" aka just plain ol' 43-year-old Michael Hickenbottom from San Antonio. (To think of it on another level, this is like the Rockets taking on the Spurs, except the rosters are in tact after nearly 21 years in the league.) I see the Rockets, er, I mean, the Undertaker going 17-0 at the end of this one.

Edge (c) vs. Big Show vs. John Cena, World Heavyweight Championship: This WILL NOT close WM. There is no way that a cheap love triangle involving two of the wrestlers in this match and the fat tub of estrogenic goo that we call the General Manager of a fuckin' wrestling program will close the biggest show on the WWE calendar. With that said, we'll get a couple of Edge spears, a couple of Big Show knock out punches, and several "Attitude Adjustments" from Cena (Attitude Adjustment. If that adjustment was playing for the other side.....gah!) Edge and Big Show will be so distracted with the angle that Cena will squeak in there for the win...only to be drafted to Smackdown the next week, forced to vacate the title, and deservingly never see a World Title for at least 10 months.

Triple H (c) vs. Randy Orton, WWE Championship: THIS will close WM. Here's some background: Orton won his right to fight for the title at the Royal Rumble. Then, there comes a threat from the higher-ups that Orton would be fired by Raw General Manager Stephanie McMahon (WWE Chairman Vince's daughter in real-life). Orton doesn't take too kindly to this, and he and his hoodlums of his group "Legacy" beat on Vince with Orton kicking the old man in his head. The following weeks Orton challenges, defeats, and head-kicks Vince's son and Stephanie's brother Shane. At the same time, Stephanie gets attacked with Orton's signature move, the RKO. Then, Triple H comes out to protect Stephanie, who he finally admits after all this time, lock and key, that he married and has kids, apparently. So for the past two months, it has been a vendetta showdown between Triple H and Randy Orton, both of whom are very familiar with each other according to professional wrestling lore. Nothing of which involves the actual title itself. Still, WWE really made this storyline the most intense leading up to WM. Whether it is attacking your opponent at his "home" domestic invasion-style (Triple H attacking Orton) or DDTing and then kissing your opponent's wife while you're handcuffed in front of you (Orton attacking Stephanie McMahon with Triple H helplessly watching), heads will definitely roll. I suspect "fuckery" afoot with this match. The match will apparently be a NO Disqualification match, anything goes. Expect Stephanie McMahon to "screw" her husband out of the title and then turn heel.

Wow, it's so detailed! Yeah, I had to occupy my Monday, Tuesday, and Friday nights watching something. Big freakin' whoop. Wanna fight about it?

Ah, staged outcomes. Gotta love it!