The Porn Industry Ran Out of Ideas

Let's leave it to porno to help us jerk off to hilarity.

Earlier this year, I pointed out the production of the Scrubs porn parody and how it made me gag and nag at the fact that one of my favorite shows on television is getting such a dubious treatment. Of course, during the course of the year, I said screw it and let's see the JD parody have a three-way with the Elliot parody and Todd parody. (Really, sex can't be that rampant in a hospital.) I thought they would stop short of just Scrubs, Keeping Up with the Kardashians (bad idea for a parody, BTW), and The Office, which looked to be a tough thing to parody what with making Dwight F-able and turning Michael Scott into a big boobed blonde. (Kudos to that casting coup. Bravo!) But now we got more of that same parody stuff coming (notice, no attempt at double entendre there).

Here are the shows being parodied. Keep in mind, all are SFW. But if you can't wait longer, you can pop in your DVDs of 30 Rock and imagine Tina Fey's Liz Lemon getting poled (there, an, albeit, poor attempt at double entendre):

Scrubs: XXX Parody

Aside from all the sex, are there HPA rules on intercourse all over a hospital. Geez, seriously.

30 Rock: XXX Parody

I'd like to point out that all the characters have their names blatantly changed, because, of course, lawsuits galore. Still, you got to love how the black porn actor tries poorly at matching the comedic insanity of Tracy Morgan. I'm a black robot muthafucka.

Seinfeld: XXX Parody

Of course, this one caught my eye for the worst parody of the bunch. Then again, when you have the "Porn Nazi," all bets are off. Eh. At least the hair department did a good job with the Elaine haircut and then keeping it on the actress' head during those, ahem, movable parts.

Friends: XXX Parody

Rachelle? Freebie? Moanica?! Of course, watch out for the big Russ and Rachelle love scene. They're always breaking up and getting back together a lot. Those kids.

That '70's Show: XXX Parody

It has everything you loved about the TV series and as an extra bonus, there's no Ashton Kutcher. Sidebar: I never liked Laura Prepon as an actress and I still don't. She's like nails on a chalkboard.

Entourage: XXX Parody

Well, with the sex in the actual show, isn't the parody already in the show? Funny how they make a parody within the parody. Those kids.

The X Files: XXX Parody

And when you thought Gillian Anderson wasn't any more F-able... Still, this is dubbed a "Dark XXX Parody." Isn't that reserved for the porn parodies of The Cosby Show or Good Times or The Jeffersons?

Am I Too Late to This Roman Polanski is a Jackass Gathering?

It's hard to look this pensive while having a near bloodlust for pre-teen poon.

It took Swizerland of all governments in the world to nab acclaimed motion picture director and foremost alleged child molestor Roman Polanski after 31 years on the run. Irony here, of course, is that the Swiss are pussies and pole-sitters and neutral and stuff and they get the opportunity to nab Polanski to win brownie points with America.

Anyways, the truth remains that Mr. Polanski allegedly did a bad thing in the eyes of the American courts. And he, like the Swiss, pussied out on facing his alleged crimes of playing cup the balls for two seconds with a teen. It's perhaps permissible in Europe but, of course, next thing you know you're running for your life all over Europe to allude authorities. Why all this time to get this guy, though? The Swiss?! The freakin' Swiss?! Really?!

If only Polanski's punishment can fit the crime. Next thing you know he's getting his butthole bleached by a hard roughnect inside the clank by the name of Catfish Killah. He's here to put his big worm on Polanski's lips. Oscar direct your way out of that, Roman!

Duck and Cover...for a Mushroom Cloud of Cuteness

If being a three-year-old girl who threw away a foul ball her dad caught and then being consoled on live TV was enough, here's more proof that you can't go wrong doing that. NBC Philadelphia caught up with Emily Monforto, the adorable little girl who "dropped the bah."

Why am I posting this? Maybe it's the amound of valium in my system. Or that I watched five hours of Playhouse Disney because I can't find my remote and the last thing I watched before turning the TV off was Hannah Montana. Awkward...

Chris Crocker Worships Kanye

Oh, Lord. I'm getting caught up in some incident that shouldn't be fussed up about. My feeling is that Kanye pulled a dick move on Taylor Swift and, by extension, Beyonce for simply declaring that "Single Ladies," which is JUST a music video, was the best of all time. (I guess art is subjective all the time.) Anyways, I'm thinking back to this incident and the Janet Jackson-Super Bowl incident. Kanye did not cuss. Kanye didn't whip out his penis. Kanye did not even kill Taylor Swift on stage. He simply spoke his dangerous mind. Janet Jackson flashed her titty for just 2-seconds and it caused a six-figure fine and changed how live events would be shown for the long run. What I'm just going to say is to chill out people. Taylor is going to live and be stronger from this. We now know that Beyonce, despite being the big superstar she is, could be the classiest celebrity out there now, and she sure doesn't need Kanye to tell people that. I've been envisioning prime time news show exclusive interviews with Kanye West or Taylor Swift. 60 Minutes or 20/20 or Dateline or the Today Show will blow this out and promote the hell out of it. What makes Kanye tick? on the next 60 Minutes. All of this can only hurt Kanye at the moment. Defenders and detractors be damned, Kanye has long been notorious for this type of business and I think it's all gone down to fatigue from the general public. In fact, I don't think the public in general knows Kanye's songs apart from Kanye's base genre listeners. They definitely know who Taylor Swift is though. This could be Kanye's Waterloo. (How about the timing also. Kanye, Jay-Z, and Rihanna are scheduled to perform on the first Jay Leno Show.)

And with that, I give you above internet half-celebrity/hermaphrodite Chris Crocker's say in the whole Kanye thing, complete with juggaboo salt shaker. Enjoy!

What a Fish Dick

MTV Shows

I guess we were over due for Kanye's next award show interruption and outburst, but it came Sunday night at the apparently still relevant MTV Video Music Awards in NYC.

Taylor Swift, 19, white, blonde, and absolutely adorable, accepted her award for Best Female Video, and she didn't even get out two complete thoughts before Kanye crashed the acceptance speech, grabbed the mic from Swift, and proclaimed that Beyonce's "Single Ladies" video was essentially better than Swift's video and the "best of all-time."

Priceless reactions: Beyonce in total mortification, Taylor Swift in delight terror, and the Radio City Music Hall in total disatisfaction of Kanye's act.

I've been aware of Kanye's douchebaggery for a long time but GD if he doesn't make some good records. Still, Mr. West's act is getting tired now and it wouldn't be a surprise if someone muzzled this fool. Then again, he provides that controversy and attention and apparently any publicity, good or bad, is still publicity. And it's due to that, he holds the argument that if you don't have him on anywhere then you suffer.

Also, Kanye essentially told a Taylor Swift, who has seen her own share of success, in front of her face and in front of the world that she's not worthy of a skyrocketing career like Beyonce's or his own. I guess there's no beating any graciousness into him.

Here's a hidden gem from Kanye's douchebaggery past. This time it's at the European Music Awards 2007. Go get 'em, Mr. West.

As for the rest of the show, host Russell Brand did no better than last year's showing. And the production of the show just was messy. Doesn't matter. MTV does not exist to me.

UPDATE: I have a new found respect for Beyonce Knowles. Kudos to you to give Taylor her stolen moment.

What the Hell is Wrong with Gus Johnson?

Ahhhhh! I love this time of year. Week 1 of the NFL season. No matter what, it is considered a national holiday. In fact, each and every Sunday is a national holiday during the NFL season. Of course, we're not short on the amount of storylines going into this season. Can't list them all right now, but I'll just say I really hate the Broncos with a passion, almost as musch as I hate mayonaise.

So I flip it to the last seconds of the Broncos-Bengals game today and makeshift starting QB Kyle Orton is charged with giving the Broncs a last chance at victory with 6-7 deficit. Through some stupid miracle of God, Orton's 20 yard pass attempt to Brandon Marshall was tipped by some Bengals defenders. Ball batted, down big play over, right? That was when the tip in the air ended up in the hands of Marshall's teammate Brandon Stokely, who took advantage of a sleeping secondary and proceeded to go another 60 yards to the house. And all the while, CBS' sure-fire fetishist Gus Johnson made a big spooge of the whole situation, and in typical Gus Johnson-style, yelled and screamed and made a big play bigger than it is.

I've always thought Gus Johnson was a jackass (the video above provided as sufficient evidence). I bet his co-workers at CBS Sports berate him quietly for his borderlining nerdish calls on par with a kid calling play-by-play in his own living room (guilty!). There's also more evidence in Johnson's work as the announcer for EliteXC on Showtime (Kimbo Slice-Seth Petruzelli, the prime example.)

Again, expect a whole bunch of jackassery from Gussy J.

White Weathermen Kinda Sorta Can Rap

I'm kinda amused by this video from the TV station I used to work at in Texas. I have not met morning weatherman Nick Kosir for Fox-affiliate KBTV in Beaumont, TX. But I can only imagine if he had to rap battle a whole bunch of thugged-up dudes in inner-city Detroit. So Nick keeps it funky fresh for morning TV viewers, talking the forecast in pre-written rap. Best part: "Today will be so hot, you'll be sweating your heiny." Yes, heiny is now in the rap vocabulary. *Rolls eyes.* Kudos, though, to Nick and my former co-workers for shaking off the stiltedness of TV news. If only they could do that as a follow up to the Nightly News...or maybe do it on the Nightly News. Katie Couric autotunes the news already. [Uncle Barky]

Cue That Inspirational R. Kelly Music

Despite the hall of fame, Michael Jordan is still held accountable for that piece of sh*t movie.

OK. We get it. You were and are good at basketball. Michael Jordan headlined the 2009 class of Basketball Hall of Fame inductees this week. Other people included the all-time assists leader John Stockton, who Jordan repeatedly made his bitch, Stockton's coach with Utah, Jerry Sloan, David Robinson, who's really freaking tall, and C. Vivian Stringer, who, let's face it, coached a team dubbed by Don Imus as [Editor's deletion, sorry, I'm not racist...yet].

Anyways, Michael Jordan made me love Michael Jordan merchandise. I don't know about the man himself, although that's pretty sad some Serbian bastard gunned down his pops. But Jordan is a merchandising icon. Who would have known that some kid from North Carolina would blow up to be the best basketball player in the world at only 6 feet 5 inches. Who would have known also that that same guy blew millions in gambling and soiled celluloid with Space Jam. Jordan the athlete=greatness. Jordan the actor=jackassery.

Congrats, John Stockton!

Is Shawne Merriman Gonna Have to Choke a Bitch?

Gizmo and Mr. T. A match made in heaven.

Oh, Shawne Merriman. Oh, oh, oh, Tila Tequila.

*Shakes head*

So Merriman was arrested over the weekend, accused of choking his girlfriend, Ms. Tequila, who apparently is still bisexual. I should not add creedance to this story because it appears to be a domestic spat between two consenting adults and whatever crazy frivolities went down in their million dollar house. But it is Tila Tequila and Shawne Merriman. Merriman has proven his mettle as one of the best defensive players in football, yet has constantly clashed with management over outside-the-field issues. And Tila Tequila got famous for adding sparkly text on her MySpace page.

Whatever. I love how this has white trash written all over it except, oops, it's exactly not.

As an added bonus, here's Gizmo from Gremlins rapping. Who knew?

Awesome Question Mark

On an otherwise ordinary day...

Beer pong. Dude in a chair on the roof. Can't really describe it all than that. I'm lazy. It's Friday.

Bam.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

What Punch? I Was Paying Attention to Those God-Awful Unis

Maaaaybe he had it coming.

LeGarrette Blount, tailback for the University of Oregon Ducks, might need some major counseling, from an anger management expert and a legal consult. Blount delivered a sucker punch to Boise State player Byron Hout following the Broncos' beatdown of the Ducks on Thursday night.

All the replays show a sick punch from Blount to the un-helmeted Byron. And later, Blount is restrained by Oregon trainers and coaches as he was taunted some more by Boise State fans. Blount offered a profuse apology after all of the mishigoss went down. And apparently, that apology was all for naught as he was suspended for the rest of the season by the University.

I don't know. I wasn't really paying attention to it all. All I could pay attention to was that horrid blue turf Boise State still uses and those God-awful uniforms the Ducks players are still subjected to strewn at every game. Nike, you suck. That and I'm trying to get this blog recognized on the Morning Buzz segment of Sportscenter. How 'bout it, dammit?!

The sucker punch:

Excuse Me If I Get a Little Verklempt

So I stumbled upon this little commercial by Real Rhapsody hocking the new Blueprint 3 record by Jay-Z. I thought it was special how they recreated every album cover that the Jigga Man made over his career. Now his new album will have some queer skyscraper-made-of-musical-instruments bullshit and three red lines overlay thing. It's obviously a departure from that hoodman rich kind of album covers we're accustomed of from him.

Nonetheless, I loved the commercial because it took me back in that drug-induced time machine that I call life. I remembered buying each and every album in the video. It was quite teary-eyed for me.

Anyways, enough gay shit. I got myself talking like I'm Gangstalicious.

DJ AM Spinning in the Afterlife Now

1973-2009

First, what the hell do I know about DJ AM? No offense to him, his memory, and all of his accomplishments, but I do not know what made him who he is besides his job of spinning records at big parties held by celebutantes and whatnot. But of course, we can always point back at the horrific plane crash he and drummer Travis Barker miraculously survived. So, no, I'm not so sad about DJ AM himself but rather sad about the fraility of life that followed AM. It's prophetic because of the circumstances around his death.

So Adam Goldstein, AM's real name, died only a year after enduring severe burns in the South Carolina plane crash. TMZ says prescription pills were found around AM's body when he was found dead in a NYC apartment.

All I know about AM is he was friends with Paris Hilton, used to date Nicole Richie and Mandy Moore, and was on that damn episode of Entourage in which he takes a pair of stupid ass graffiti'd Nikes from Turtle.

I don't know. It sucks that another person has died, albeit someone who got moderately famous for being famous, then notorized for surviving something he should have died in. But look at it this way. He's now spinning records in the afterlife behind a Michael Jackson performance in a nightclub that includes Billy Mays, Natasha Richardson, Les Paul, Ed McMahon, Karl Malden, Edward Kennedy, and Charo. Charo's dead right?

Gag Reflex

Or more like the lack of it. Hardee har har! This new restricted clip is from the new slasher flick Sorority Row. Despite the main cast being five alright looking chicks and Rumer Willis (have you seen her nose?!), the movie appears to be rehashing all of those slasher flicks of the past, especially the contemporaries (i.e. I Know What You Did Last Summer, Scream, Chocolat). But this clip was rather interesting. It had Margo Harshmann, which you may remember from a little show on Disney Channel called Even Stevens. It also had her forcefully inhaling a bottle. No, this is not a fetish sex clip. But it was an interesting way to write a death scene. Enjoy!

Ay Carumba! Es Fisticuffs a Basketbol!

Apparently, fighting on the basketball court is universal. B-ballers can talk smack and shit like this can go down. I'm not ashamed at all. I just love how the Mexican and Uruguyan (?) basketball players playing under FIBA rules just go at it. Spanish be damned! Pinches all over the court. AY AYAYAYAYAYA! RRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Hoe-Wielding Woman Protects Her Ho

In brief, two "underage" girls were arrested for stripping at an exotic dance bar or what have you. News crews in the Orlando market get wind of it and start looking for relatives of one of the girls, which is poor by standard procedure when something as juicy as this is brought up. News crew finds woman supposedly related to one of the girls. Woman apparently has a gardening tool handy to confront news crew. Roll credits. Somebody see the irony of underage strippers and a woman wielding a hoe? Anybody?

Dan Harris is a Jackass

ABC News correspondent Dan Harris is the man to see for the hard hitting, accurate journalism we look for in this era of modern information-sharing. If any part of that statement is true, then may I be pummeled and slashed with razor blades by 80 fat topless women. That's right. No fat topless women with razor blades here.

So Harris provided that brand of hard hitting interviewing when he sat down with Entourage guest star Jamie-Lynn Sigler, who plays herself playing another chick playing a girlfriend of the second least attractive member of the Vince crew, shlubby Turtle. Sigler also dates the guy who plays shlubby Turtle, Jerry Ferrera. And like the hard hitting, fact checking journalist that he is, Harris asks Sigler, to the effect of "do you think hot girls like you will date fat jackasses like Turtle?" And from there, awkwardness and uncomfortability ensues.

If that wasn't enough, Harris provides commentary on the interview knowing he didn't know that Sigler and Ferrera are dating. Bottom line, Harris and ABC are jackasses for thinking they can get the hip, Hollywood stories and knowing them all without research. No sarcastic remark here. I just want to take pride and self-satisfication in seeing Harris squearm when he finds out the truth. Toodles!

This Had a Lot of Potential...

That Miss Teen USA chick and that chick from 90210. No, the OTHER chick from 90210.

The possibilities are endless when you are presented a single image of two naked women and the lone dude behind the camera, of whom is also naked. Then, you're let down because the situation of two naked women, one of them your wife, the other some random chick you happen to know, and you, yourself, naked does not equate to sex on camera, which pretty much eliminates the purpose of having a camera on when all parties involved are in their birthday suits.

Alas, you have the situation involving Grey's Anatomy actor Eric Dane and his wife Rebecca Gayheart, who hasn't been on a good project since, I don't know, Jawbreaker? And the former Miss Teen USA and admitted sex addict Kari Anne Paniche. All of whom appeared naked in a 12-minute video leaked online today. (You know what else leaks online? R. Kelly. Sick son of a bitch.) As with anything as sensitive and revealing as this (see Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Greene), publicists for the involved parties (listen to me, I'm all into this legalese shit) say it was nothing other than "concensual" nakedness on camera and "no sex" was made. Although, you might have to admit, sex has been made in all of this, and if that's so, Rebecca Gayheart is probably one cool chick to involve Miss Teen USA in a three-way with her husband.

Bottom line, this "concensual" video looked like a sex tape, smelled like a sex tape, and even tasted like a sex tape. In all the sleaziness in my body, I'm very dissappointed when this wasn't a sex tape. How am I able to "pull the chain" with a tape of Rebecca Gayheart and Miss Teen USA just being naked without the fornication?

[Editor's Note: Ew. I don't do that. I do that only with established pros. Click, Open, Video file of Boner Jams '03]

Girl-On-Girl Brutality

I'm open to girl fights all the time. Nothing says all-American when two women who disagree with something so trivial as talking about each other behind each other's back or not being there for each other when they should have been. I don't know, that's what girls argue about, right? I am working that stereotype, right?

Anyways, I made that whole prologue to point out that a women's MMA match main evented a MMA card for the first time in history. And it pitted my darling Gina Carano and some woman named Cyborg. Needless to say, as I called it in a previous post, my Gina-bear got beaten to the canvas just as hard as a Van Gogh painting. Cyborg relentlessly pounded the technically-sound Carano in the first round with the ref calling the fight 1 second before the first round bell.

Despite all the hoopla, I think this beats the hell out of the classic girl-on-girl matchups. Venus vs. Serena. Seles vs. Graf. Kramer vs. Kramer. Maybe not so much Kramer vs. Kramer but how many girlfights have there been?

Hopefully my Gina-bear recovers from this. I'll get you ice and a nice heat pack for you, baby.

Josh Hamilton Lapsed

[Deadspin] You do body shots on girls, not on yourself! Silly.

Noted recovering alcholic and tatted up Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton apparently lapsed sobriety...and apparently had fun doing it. There shouldn't be a big deal about this but when a home run derby champ is flaunted on ESPN as someone who overcame "a sickness" then this is big news.

But then again, he is getting licked. Damn you, Hamilton. Maybe I need to become an alcoholic, say I've become sober, and then relapse...maybe that's how you get all the womens.

ESPN has the story. Deadspin has the pics. Enjoy!

BTW, none of the chicks in the pics is his wife. And so, the athlete stereotype continues.

John Hughes Died

'80's movies is gangsta. 1950-2009

Believe me. The loss of John Hughes is pretty sad for me. Despite me goo-goo ga-ga-ing the rest of the '80s, I was fully aware of Mr. Hughes' impact on cinema. He kept the angsty '80's teen happy with the "this is so me" type of stories. Sixteen Candles. The Breakfast Club. Pretty in Pink. Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Planes Trains & Automobiles. Ok, maybe not so much Planes Trains as far as teen angst is concerned, but all are very relevent and all have had their funny moments.

Of course, you can be free to ignore his '90's works Home Alone, Baby's Day Out, Flubber, Home Alone 3?! But then again, why would you? He knew what he was doing for a whole decade and that kind of story writing and decision-making makes him kinda cool in my book.

So without further ado, here's what YouTube is showing for John Hughes' Ferris Bueller's Day Off:

Cramedy: A 'Funny People' Review

Parity is the greatest form of flatulence.

What can you expect from a Judd Apatow-written and directed movie? Disenchantment. Check. Laughs. Check. Crude jokes about nuts and balls and dicks. Check. Meaningful lessons to make the viewer all the richer for having experienced it. Ah. Eh?

Funny People was two hours and 20 minutes of creating a microcosm of fame and the Hollywood lifestyle -- the attempt at it and living it -- and trying to make it human through the main characters all too real diagnosis of a life-ending disease. But then again, it was exactly everything described above with Adam Sandler playing a famous schlub lying in his own piss, metaphorically speaking, of course. Sandler's character, George Simmons, is basically a parity of Sandler's own career. Simmons, a Jewish comedian, grows up from the humble beginnings of stand-up comedy and finagled his way into the Hollywood film machine to make panderous types of entertainment flub that the general brain-dead population enjoys (i.e. Sandler's movies like The Wedding Singer and Click). Still, he has a natural knack for wit, which there are no shortages of in this movie. So Simmons, who lives in opulance because of his big box office career, recieves news that he has a debilitating disease that would most likely kill him. At this point of the movie, and, by extension, in life, news like this would become heavy for one to deal with to the point that you start rethinking your life and appreciating what little of it you have. It takes about 30 minutes of the movie for Simmons to take that turn.

In the process, he takes on a comedic apprentice played very well by Seth Rogen. His turn as a hungry, wide-eyed comedian with great naivete complemented Sandler's "what does it all mean" mentality in the movie. The "what does it all mean" mentality comes to life in the form of Leslie Mann's character Laura, who finally gets the prominent role that she greatly deserves, albeit it came in a movie her husband wrote and directed. Mann's character was hurt badly over a dozen years ago by Simmons who apparently cheated on her. Of course, clues like that were the tipping point of how Simmons became the hardened person he would become. Anyways, Laura sympathizes with Simmons' condition and the two start reconnecting in the face of it. There's also a point that both get comfortable with each other again that Laura reveals that her husband, played by Eric Bana, cheats on her and is barely around for her family.

So Simmons basically loafs around about his own mortality and how this disease will take him. There is total fear in Sandler's character. But then, he gets news that he may have beaten the disease. And all will be better, right? Well, we get a little hairy at this point of the story. At this point, we're to believe that Sandler will get the girl that she's been thinking of since she left him.

One blogger pointed out that this movie ended becoming an episode of Entourage where at the end all will be fine and nobody gets hurt and nobody really learns a lesson. And I have to agree. I felt no growth among the characters as the story progressed, maybe a little with Seth Rogen's character Ira, who went from loser comedy schlub to somebody who knew what was right and wrong and could stand on his own feet to make that decision. Sandler's performance was completely different than from what we're used to seeing him. We're accustomed to seeing him beat up Bob Barker or make incoherent baby-like noises. But as Simmons, he portrays a funny man who cannot deal with the 10-ton of bricks that fell on his lap such as a disease diagnosis. Or being passed over by the only woman she ever loved. Not his best performance, though. (On a side note, I thought his best performance came in the form of the Wedding Singer. Don't judge me, I thought it was his best.)

As a Judd Apatow-comedy, it excelled when jokes and one-liners came through. Apatow can really convey from his actors a good response given the gravity of a scene. And the picture was beautifully shot. Of course, Apatow recruited the services of Oscar-winning cinematographer Janusz Kaminski (see Schlinder's List, Jerry Maguire).

In short, the story fell short of becoming a story of growth especially for Adam Sandler's character. But then again, we got one of Sandler's best performances. We may have also gotten Seth Rogen's best performance in his career so far (I'll cautiously stop short of saying Supporting Actor Oscar material). And the comedy of Funny People did not dissappoint, although it took too long for the story to be told. A little too long for an Apatow film.

As a special bonus, here's the YouTube vid of Jonah Hill's character in Funny People playing with cute kittens. 700,000 hits. Why?!

When Did E! Start Un-Blurring Boobs?

(via WWTDD) Kendra's wedding gift to us. Boobs.

So as to not confuse you, I am a man who loves boobies. Boobies on women. And just like a veteran wine taster, I like a particular set of boobs. I'm cool with any other boobs, they just can't be awkward looking. Besides, I've noticed even the small boobs can create cleavage, and if that's the cleavage you have, then you have me...you just have me.

With that said, Kendra Wilkinson (aka the youngest bimbo of Hef's former gals) apparently showed off the chest ornaments and it totally got unblurred on E!, which last time I checked was a tv network on basic cable, not premium cable. E! also offered a look at Denise Richards' chest cannons on her show. Apparently, she got her implanted wild things shortly before shooting Wild Things. What I'm getting at is WhenTF did E! start showing titties. Apparently, we've gone to the point of tastelessness that we got exposed, uninhibited mounds in our faces. I'm griping because this type of shit could have been done a long time ago. Gosh!

Here's the NSFW tit pic collection from Kendra.

Buehrle = Perfection

(via With Leather) Only inches separated a free dinner by the pitcher and a reaming from Ozzie Guillen.

Ok. This week of blogs appears to be sports-dominated. Of course, I'm non-discriminate when it comes to chosing which category I choose my entries. I am discriminate, though, on which underwear I wear each day. I can't soil the good ones right away.

Ok. Bad start. But look! A perfect game. But, dude, it's just baseball. WTF is the big deal? Well, Idiot, a perfect game is the nerd world's version of a comet passing earth or an eclipse darkening and freaking the f*ck out a few million people in the Eastern Hemisphere. When it happens, you should take notice. Yeah, yeah, you hate sports? Then, shut the f*ck up until my next Heidi and Spencer post.

For the rest of you, you cannot help but appreciate what happened...at a day game of all situations. Buehrle's perfect game against the Rays truly affixes the word "professional" to ball player. Too bad the same couldn't be said about the Rays batting order.

Anyways, here's one of the most spectacular catches of the year when Sox OF Dewayne Wise preserved the perfect game with a great grab in the ninth:

Oh. So Melrose Place Dictates My Life Now, Does It?

So the TV show that nobody wanted made its impending return that much unbearable with a new set of teaser posters and their crazy ass catchphrases. (I know he's dead, but big middle fingers to Aaron Spelling for Melrose Place and 90210.) Of course, leave it to the CW to create posters that may get some people looking...and pondering about the complexities of life...or at the very least, ponder about suicide. Remember the OMFG Gossip Girl posters? Yeah, me neither. But somebody decided to make a big stink about that one because of the F in the campaign. And by F, it meant fugtacular. As in, "my God, this Melrose Place resurrection has awfully fugtacular people in it. I mean, look at Ashlee Simpson!"

If you need a demonstration of how desperate the CW is getting, here's the teaser for Melrose Place:

Click here for the rest of the posters. It's a good thing Hump Day changes for me now. I can expecte to change my sheets on Wednesday.

The Dunk That Made Him 'LeBitch'

So the only surviving video of the infamous LeBron-gets-dunked-on incident survived the Nike abortion and found life on the internet. TMZ and ebaumnation.com made headway with the much sought after tape.

To quickly fill you in, Lebron James was hosting a basketball camp in Ohio, inviting two dozen college players. Lebron decided to take part in a pickup game and, during that game, a 20-year-old Xavier University sophomore named Jordan Crawford took the rock to the hole and dunked over Lebron.

In a snap moment of embarrassment, Nike, Lebron James' shoe sponsor, quickly snatched any video tape that captured the moment out of fear of a poor rep.

So here we are now with the tape which basically is underwhelming and not really lives up to the hype and bickering of it all in the previous weeks. But dammit, if this doesn't cause things this season. If I were Jordan Crawford, I would hide. Lebron has money. Nike is a big corporation. And if any single entity were to take Lebron, who, along with Kobe Bryant, is Nike's money men, down a peg, then we could see Crawford's life and rep take a turn for the worse. It's funny too. I could see "Nike henchman" turn Crawford's life into crap. Oh well, at least his name is out there...for the obituaries to know who he is.

Youth: 'The Defication of Imbecility'

And with just an unlauded step in front of the camera, a Scottish entertainer bloke began a unitribe that could resonate with me for a while. Craig Ferguson opened The Late Late Show Tuesday night with him figuring out "why everything sucks." Watch. Listen. Learn.

That Pesky Erin Andrews Video

Yeah. The shirt's in the way. I get it.

Hey, dude! Did you hear about that leaked video of Erin Andrews nude? No WAY!

Yes, I am joining the fray in mention Ms. Andrews in her birthday suit doing stuff that thin, well-spoken blondes do in their hotel room. No, I don't have the video or the pics. And apparently, if you track a copy down, its embedded with malware. So all that effort to jerk off to grainy video of a peeping tom camera shot of a woman...and I do mean...A woman will be all for naught when the virus is on your computer.

Anyways, the whole fracas over the video has ESPN and Erin angry and they want answers immediately. Thank God for TMZ, though. They think they have this one answered, including who it might be rolling the camera -- someone she knows?? (For the record, 'twas not me. I was stalking my redheaded neighbor that time.)

TMZ has reviewed six videos shot by the peeping Tom who secretly videotaped Erin Andrews in her hotel room as the ESPN reporter walked around naked, not having a clue she was being watched ... and there are signs the person who taped it may be connected with the coverage of athletic events.

Four of the clips were shot in the same hotel. The remaining two were shot in a different hotel. In the first hotel, the peephole is round. In the second hotel, the peephole is jagged. The furniture in the two hotel rooms is completely different. In the first set of videos, Erin is naked, curling her hair while looking into a mirror. It appears all four clips are from the same video. In the second set of clips, Erin is also naked, ironing a pair of pants.

The videos raise the suspicion that the person who shot them may have been familiar with her work schedule and may have been traveling with her. Erin's people are on the hunt for the culprit.

So to sum it up, Erin got naked in the privacy of her own room with the understanding and presumability that she could, even to the point of ironing her own pants (hot!). But then again, it just seems too contrived of a story for real life. Didn't we see this with Quaqmire on some God-forsaken episode of Family Guy. Anyways, talk of naked ladies has got me all hot. I think, I'll go to Hollywood and find me a hooker that looks exactly like Erin Andrews. Peeping tom? PEEP THIS, HOOKER WHO LOOKS LIKE ERIN ANDREWS.

Woman: Roethlisberger Went Ruthless On My Burger

Pictured lady not the accuser. But she could have been.

First, I must apologize for the title of this post. I guess puns are society's verbal tampon when you want to pad the heavy metaphorical bleeding of your witty and relevant banter. So, again, apologies all from me.

So Ben Roethlisberger is a dick. Or that's at least what my friend Josh says. Basically, Ben and his mid-major college graduating ass didn't want to pay for a tab at my friend's bar. And there was a bunch of bickering from Ben ranging from "Do you know who I am?" to "I won a Super Bowl!" My friend responds, "I know who you are. That's still $55." The motherf*cker makes millions and can't settle a simple $50 tab?

Anecdotes aside, Ben was accused today for sexual assault. How's that for karma, you bitch Roethlisberger! Anyways, TMZ has the story:

Andrea McNulty claims in her civil lawsuit filed in Washoe County, Nevada, this year's Super Bowl winner asked her to come to his hotel room in July, 2008 -- and then forced her to have sex with him.

McNulty -- an employee at the Harrah's Hotel in Lake Tahoe -- is suing for sexual assault and battery, false imprisonment and infliction of emotional distress.

Just to clear things up for you, people, he went to Miami of Ohio, not the other Miami where all shit gets wild. You know what I mean. If I didn't know better, I would think he's a Duke lacrosse player.

Holy F*ckin' Gaga!

I haven't really found the topic or the voice to write/verbalize about the crap going on in craptacular crapdom. But, hey, look! It's Lady Gaga being weird again.

Well, not necessarily acting weird but, by God, I can't take this bitch seriously when she starts wearing Kermit the Frogs as a pancho. Yes, those are dolls on her but to think this might inspire her to put on a pelt of Rolf the Hound Dog or Gonzo as a crotch piece. Oh, yeah, she's still ugly as sin.

This is So True

Video Games - E3 2009 - Attack of the Show

I'm probably sending the wrong message about this blog and what I write about it. I say this because this is the third or fourth or fifth (lost count) time I posted something related to Olivia Munn. She is hot and funny. There's no doubt about. She's partially the reason I want digital cable so bad. (The other reason being all that crazy faux HBO/Showtime/Cinemax "porno" they show late at night.)

I digress. The real reason for this posting is Munn's appearance for a video called "The Girl at the Video Game Store" by Parry Gripp. This is actually true. Every lyric of this is true. And other burnouts like me can attest to walking into Gamestop or EB Games and seeing the toking girl working there. Yet the girl that works there is either extremely fat and ugly or extremely hot. And when you encounter the extremely hot ones, they p0wn you on everything involving video games. Maybe that's why I never got into video games. Just to knowing barely anything and being felt inferior makes me sensitive. That and I can't freely admit that Pokemon on Nintendo Anything is the best video game ever.

Oh, Ron Ron

Don't you find it funny that when there's unique basketball players out there, they can have a unique nickname. LeBron=Bron Bron. Shaq=Big Aristotle Big Cactus Big Freeze? Then, you have Ron Artest who, depending on how you see him, can be Ron Ron -- the guy who is passionate about the team he plays for (to an extent) and his "hood" -- or that thug n***a who started that big fight with a bunch of fans in Detroit and basically put a black eye on professional sports and connecting athletes with fans.

This past season, I subscribed to the Ron Ron side of things being that he was integral in Houston's rise from the Southwest Division cellar. In fact, I thought he could be a leader rather than someone who could win a championship on the coat tails of a superstar. In small little words, we f*cked, y'all. No Yao for the season and possibly the rest of his career. No superstar presence in the starting five. An ineffective Tracy McGrady since 2004. We were the darlings of the whole Western Conference when we took the Lakers to the brink in the Second Round. Now we're looking at NBA purgatory for the next 3-6 seasons. Believe me, I hung all my hope on Artest being the saving grace of a whole city. Instead, he'll be sipping Moet with Luke Walton and Adam Morrison at the W after a hard fought win against the Clippers.

Don't get me started on Trevor Ariza also. In order for Houston to get a sniff of the playoff drawls, Ariza and Aaron Brooks will have to become superstars this seasons. I wonder what we can give up for Zydrunas Ilgauskas. Somebody up in Cleveland took his job already.

Guess Who

[AP via TMZ] Something tells me the man in that casket will sell you on a clean, moral Christian life. OxiClean, ni**a!

WARNING: Vomit About

I am on the verge of vomiting at this point. But I felt it wouldn't be American of me to take three sake bombs and down three Coronas. So, I bring to you the best compliation of vomiting I could find without playing the rest of the video. Now if you excuse me, I'm going to think of something that can induce the chewy chunks out of me. Maybe this.

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!

17 Rich Saps and a Little Whore

Megan Wants A Millionaire. Hm. I'm totally unaware of the affect of the center of the show, Megan Hauserman. But apparently, she had a quite an impression on the many clap-trap VH1 shows that they have on.

Apparently, she chased after the affection of Bret Michaels in the first Rock of Love. She engaged in fisticuffs and a got a drink thrown in her face be Sharon Osbourne on Charm School 2. She even tried going for cash in the second I Love Money.

So, in the long tradition of miniscule VH1 reality stars that got famous for their classiness, Megan will get the ultimate in self-indulgance, a reality dating show about her whoring around with apparent millionaires who don't know what to do with their money so the only thing they can do is spend it on vapid women like her. Anyways, whatever gets you paid at the end. Yeah, we got a bad economy.

Goddamn It! That's Not How You Do It

I'm playing Insomniac Jack at the moment and I swear to the Lord that if this smudge on my glasses doesn't go away in the next hour, I will kill the next thing moving.

Ok, only fibbing. But, hey! Look! It's Olivia Munn. Any reason to post Olivia Munn pics or videos of her baring something works anytime for me. She's too damn funny to ignore and too damn hot to...um...ignore. (Vocabulary and grammar aren't exactly working for me at this time. Hey, it was my birthday just hours ago. I have the right to fuck up. It's like being born again and again and again. Fuck me...)

Truffle shuffle away, my dear!

Ever Wonder What Anchors Do During Commercials?

I've made a soft mention in past posts about my primary occupation, which is being the cyber miscreant/gimp/slave for a TV news station. I think I mentioned it. It's either that or where I'm from. I swear, I shouldn't divulge much about the real identity of this blogger but what's the use. I've been writing these entries as if I'm Hemingway and I'm penning The Old Man and The Sea. Uh oh. Andy Rooney-tangent.

Anyways, I've come across some interesting co-workers whose primary job is to hock news into your living room/sex room/cauldron, what have you, on a daily basis. And the thing with disseminating news on a daily basis is the appearance of making everything serious enough that you might not know the person reading the news. HLN anchors actually speak to the audience as if they're having a conversation, which is a plus in basic TV anchoring. But then again, we return to square one when anchors bring you the news on your local station.

So I find this piece of video refreshing as two of WGN Chicago's main anchors take a moment to keep things playful...and awfully coordinated, during their post A-block commercial break. Watch out for the Thriller gestures in the choreograph. This kinda shows that not all anchors were born with a broomstick up their ass. Fox News anchors definitely need not apply.

[The Smoking Section via The Rap Up]

My Late Billy Mays Post

Yes, I was aware of another "untimely" death that happened within a matter of 72 hours. Billy Mays was sorta like an enigma to me. He appeared during the most unexpected times of the television viewing day and his enthusiasm over the products he was hocking actually made those products good enough to get our attention. Yet it's because of that enthusiasm that I found him to be slightly insufferable and easily mockable. And then came along a prostitute kissing, prostitute beating douchebag who wanted to make his New York-accent believable to audiences who were sucked into the most usless rag on earth. And it's with this that Billy's profession was put into perspective. There was no one like Billy. In some respects, he could be viewed as the originator of the television pitch game when we know some of the legends before him. The Juiceman and Ron Popeil come to mind. But Billy was a real person who made us believe that we had real problems in our lives that could only be solved with whatever he was selling. Whether the bottom line of these pitches were ethical becomes irrelevent with his approach to the sale. And that is that you could see that he believed in the product that he was selling. If you have seen an episode of Pitch Men on A&E, you would have known that he doesn't necessarily invent these products but gives the chance to regular American people to sell their inventions.

Here's to you, Billy. I will make sure I buy three 2-gallon buckets of OxyClean while I wipe my ass with a ShamWow.

Maybe the Pepsi Commercial Fire Should Have Did Him In

1958-2009

In this recent internet age, the Jay Leno-types of jokes and bashing of Michael Jackson only got more intense as blogging became popular. But you can't blame bloggers and comedians making fun of Jacko. What with his bizarre behavior, alleged pedophilia, and skin discolorization. But then again, Jackson was someone who was on top of the world. You would expect one album or two to raise the status of a singer and just let it peak until we woulld get tired of it. But with Michael, it was a string of Jackson 5 hits and then Off the Wall and Thriller. The man, indeed, made Thriller, and it was this that Michael grabbed your ear and made you take notice. Trash him for what he became after that time but the dude was a genius when it came to making music. Don't say that you didn't tap your feet when you first heard "Can't Stop Til You Get Enough."

His crazy behavior after the Dangerous album cannot be vouched for, though, at least by me. His life and demise are that of the typical E! True Hollywood Story but magnified to a greater degree. The man who died was a music icon and personally I adored the music rather than the path following the music. Here's to you Jacko. I will play Billie Jean on repeat tonight.

No Showtime or HBO? You Fail.

I think summer is where the geniuses at Showtime and HBO pull off their great strategy of getting the masses to watch the poo they fling at the public. You can't go wrong with True Blood, Weeds, and the unheralded Nurse Jackie filling the summer watching slate. And this particular summer makes me regret that I have to cut costs and not get premium cable, no less a DVR box. I swear, getting premium in the past and not having it is when a rich junky gets exposed to the "stuff," gets off it because of low funding, then regrets spending all that money on getting a "rush" just because he wants that rush now. I have no idea how the picture could have been painted but let's just say I want Showtime and HBO pushed through my veins now.

With that said, two prominent shows are making their return to the summer slate -- Californication and Entourage. Guess which show I badly need to watch more.

Here's the preview for Californication:

And here's the preview for Entourage, if you're into that kinda thing:

Get the F*ck Outta Here! Buzz Aldrin?!

No, Uncle Buzz. These guys aren't here to end yo' life like sucka ass fool.

So the latest public figure to get slingshot back into our consciousness is 2nd man on the moon, Buzz Aldrin. And, whaddya know, he's droppin' a fat moon rock on the hip-hop game. Funny or Die has Aldrin teaming up with Snoop Dogg and the very underrated (in a good way) Talib Kweli to drop his single "Rocket Experience." Of course, there's no way they can make this real. I mean, all those FoD guys are just faking it, right? Oh. Here's the 'making of' vid:

Making of Buzz Aldrin's Rocket Experience w/ Snoop Dogg and Talib Kweli from Buzz Aldrin

I Endorse This Product

I love boobies. There's no question and no qualms about it. I just do. I even would go to great lengths to build a time machine to keep Punky Brewster from killing her cans. So with that said, I endorse this "Kush Support" product in the name of the chesty women out there who ache from the front (as opposed to aching from the "back" *ZING!* and by back, I mean anus). Sleep well, my mammarically enhanced women. May you no longer feel pain. By the way, this product totally looks like some hardcore titty f**kin'. I'm just sayin'.

Is It Too Late to Send Them to a Sweat Shop? UPDATE

That headline was to shock people. Of course, childhood labor is very un-American, unless one of those children were to be part of a set of twins or sextuplets or octuplets and that automatically churns out a meal ticket for the brave woman that pushed them out and the lazy man that just happened to hit it on all cylinders during the conception.

As you may have no doubt heard, Jon and Kate Gosselin, the parents of the said sets of twins and sextuplets, are divorcing, as it was unsurprisingly announced on their Jon and Kate Plus 912 program. You really hate to see the dissolution of a relationship. But, of course, you mix in one volatile attitude with an unrelenting slob and eight quarter-Asian children and TV cameras, you get a big mess on your hand. At this point, I think the misery of it all is enough for Kate to wish she bought that diaphragm or got that morning after pill...or for Jon to just hit on that other chick that totally wasn't Kate. That way, neither of these people would have such infamy blasted in their faces. Then again, though, Kate would not have gotten that tight mommy body she got and Jon would not have gotten that full head of hair he acquired from the Hair Club for Men.

It's a shame. Who knows? Maybe when the little Gosselin boys grow up, Dad will probably show them the proper way to holler at bitches on the side and to negotiate with a hooker. And maybe the Gosselin girls will learn from their mom how to create an insufferable atmosphere to choke a roomful of puppies.

UPDATE: So Kate says in divorce papers that she and Jon were already separated, for at least the past two years, thus, creating the biggest televised sham ever!

HTF Does a Blogger Become the News?

So apparently the "Queen of All Media" Perez Hilton got "assaulted" in Toronto over the weekend. The kicker of the assault apparently was who he accused of the hit -- Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas [TMZ has the story].

Here's an obvious double-edged sword about this. First, it's Perez Hilton. He seems like an alright guy from a relevant sense of notoriety. Despite his poorly constructed MS Paints of penii on certain celebrity faces, he just seems to keep his lispy mouth into things that shouldn't necessitate him to be.

And then you have the Black Eyed Peas, who I loved back in 1998 when they started that conscious hip-hop movement, incorporating the talents from different racial backgrounds into the fold. You know, something like a modern day rap equivalent to Prince's crew. Then, 2002 hit and they wanted relevancy badly. And you could tell when they decided to add the pop chick to the group. And suddenly, an L.A. hip-hop group that no one knew is suddenly on the mainstream, with pop records playing at every prom, graduation party, and marriage reception. Boo on that!

So, in summation, I could care less about this incident. I just want to make the point that if I started pandering and just starting shit out of thin air, I would put a little more class and little less slut to the occasion. Speaking of, I'm calling out the yellow Wiggle. That muthaf*cka is totally queer.

I Met This Guy Last Night

He's 37-years-old. WTF?!

So. I went out for the third straight alcohol-fueled night in the dirtbag desert. Night 1 was a drama-filled birthday outing. Night 2 was almost about the same. Night 3 was interesting. After serving a carne and pollo asado barbecue to these four L.A. chicks who were visiting my roommate, my crew stepped it out to a rather raucous yet L.A.-like nightclub.

There, more alcohol was added but a hella lot more sweat was in the occasion. I mean, what with all my Dance Fever aspirations. Anyways, in the middle of the club was this boyish all-American guy no taller than 5'9" sticking out like a sore thumb. Sure enough, to my friend's confirmation, it was that dude who played the gay guy on Dawson's Creek. For those who are as smart as I am and can identify whom's whom in Hollywood, the guy was Kerr Smith. The guy was just chilling out at the club and trying to run game with his own entourage of guys who totally looked older than he was. I slapped hands with him and asked him about his next project, a TV project for midseason on the CW. Recently, he starred in My Bloody Valentine and was on Eli Stone.

Anyways, me being the "Turtle" of any small group of guys, I tried hooking him up with a nice bachelorette party with my stupid ass dance moves, of which I was tagged the "Bad Dancing Guy" with another stupid ass bachelorette party. If I wasn't too drunk and sweaty with the dancing, I coulda sworn one of those tall, nice figured bridesmaids was wearing no underwear at all.

I spoke to Kerr once more after and he said he came all the way out from L.A. for bachelorette party hunting season. Yes, me too, I said. He's a cool guy and awfully handsome. I can't get over the fact that he's 37. And to think about 11 years ago, he was on TV making out with dudes on the Creek.

I should write a book about making friends with celebrities because my phonebook contacts list is rather shabby. No offense to you readers who are already there.

This is the Last Puppet Commercial. I Promise.

Nike's MVPuppets campaign featuring "Kobe" and "LeBron" as roommates may have fallen by the wayside because of the shoe company's overeagerness for an LA-Cleveland Finals. But you have to admit those commercials caught your attention. Here's what seems to be the final MVPuppets campaign, until the LeBron puppet comes back complaining about New York City traffic heading to the Garden.

Horn Dogged-ness

For some reason, The Cooter has been an avenue of cynicism, debauchery, sadism, and all out "horn dogged-ness-ness."

So to sink this website further down the hole of dirtiness, here's a nice animated .gif of my future wife Olivia Munn getting fondled. Sweet, huh?

Oh. The news? Um. Something about Olivia and stuff and Iron Man too. I don't know.

Rollercoasters are Fun!

Words are useless for this post. Just these. Lingerie. Rollercoaster. Boobies. Shake well.

Make sure the Ben Gay is handy. You know. For the wrist sore afterwards.

[WithLeather via Ad Gabber]

Alec is My Favorite Baldwin

That's what's making news today. Really. At least in my crazy drug-addled, alcoholic, revved-up hormonal mind o' mine.

Seriously, though, it's stuff like his Sanford & Son therapy session with Tracy Morgan on 30 Rock that shows his real genius and range. It kinda also makes you forget that he called his daughter with Kim Basinger a "thoughtless little pig." (Remember that? Refresher here.)

Anyways, he has an interview with Playboy set to hit newstands this week, and, in it, he talks about his aspirations to retire from the acting game in 2012. It's a bummer for me because it kinda tells me when the perceived demise of 30 Rock will happen. So ZOMG, if they don't write in that Jack-Liz love storyline, then I don't know what...

Something Tells Me Gina Carano is F**ked

There's absolutely nothing sexy about the "rear naked choke."

Let's preface here. I know as much about MMA as I do about the furry fetish, which is very little. (See, I almost led you to believe I know all about furry/mascot sex. Well, I don't. So, rasberries, bitch!) But I do know a little to get me by, just like how the hell I know what's going on when I first followed Lost this past season. Plus, there's a little thing called Wikipedia. That, like my affliction for staring at asses, male or female (WTF?), I DO do alot. Heh. Do do.

Anyways, MMA has a super female fight fest coming up between the sextacularly tough Gina Carano and the fugtacularly rough Cris "Cyborg" Santos. The Brazilian Santos talked to some MMA reporter douche for a website, which that alone says "reputible journalism," and got to brass tasks demonstrating what she would do to Carano...on the reporter douche.

Here's the vid. You can fast forward to the 4:13 mark for nitty gritty:

For someone nicknamed "Cyborg," she really puts on that Ivan Drago impression. I think she will "break" my beautiful Gina-bear. I mean, the reporter douche looked virtually dead.

On the plus side, I think I just stained my pants. Was I turned on by this near snuff film? Maybe.