Heidi to Do Playboy

This "thing" will show off her boobs, butt, and bush. Yay?

In news that shouldn't surprise you, Heidi Montag-Pratt-Belzebub will pose nekkid for Playboy, so says People Magazine. (I swear, it has to irk magazine publications to do stories on other magazine publications. Hell, it's funny too because I learned this story from Entertainment Weekly.)

[The Reality TV star] will pose for the September issue of Playboy...Montag has yet to shoot her photos for the magazine. [EW.com]

I first read about this earlier this morning at 2 a.m. and I started to wonder "how would hate sex be with this chick?" I mean, I would hate sex this chick into warp speed. I mean, imagine parts of the bed falling off, headboard and all. I can also see myself holding her head down with my foot while in the chicken-winged position. OK, too graphic. But my God, do I wanna beat this chick down with my penis.

Anyways, I have not been one to watch The Hills. In fact, I hope in a quick instance that MTV cease exist from all history, public record, and memory. It's just the whore parade that Heidi and Spencer represent that irks me. Same goes with Lindsay Lohan. And the Jon and Kate people. And with Jennifer Aniston. And former Secretary of State Madeline Albright. And Sarah Palin or her daughter (the 14-year-old one that Letterman almost implied about raping or the 18-year-old one who got knocked up and is now a living, breathing testament to abstinence).

Plus, there's rumors over how much Heidi would get paid for the spread. I read somewhere that it would be six-figures. Shit, I would show my balls on live television for a sandwich and a fluffing.

Congratulations, Heidi. Here's hoping that we cross paths and that I may bury your head in a pillow while I make you bleed from friction burn.