Induce Vomiting Now

Ok. Ok. Bashing Spencer and Heidi has become so out of style and so overrated that it has become the Tamagachi of this decade. You know, those stupid ass digital pets you feed and play with and it dies when you over feed it. You know, just like the media overfeeding the Pratts' superbloated ego. But, my God, have you even sat down one moment to hear them speak?

Here's their appearance on Jimmy Fallon:

I had to quit after about a minute in the interview because I was totally feeling this morning's breakfast burrito coming up. Too late.

(**Pause from bloated vomitice)

And if that weren't enough, Spencer might be on a warpath with "weatherman" Al Roker, after Monday's Today Show in which Roker pressed Heidi about being "proud" of what they did on I'm a Celebrity...

And here's Spencer's mega douchey response. I think I could die from all of this. Could anyone die from over douchieness?

Now Presenting...What I Do in My Spare Time

VIMBY - Air Sex

And believe me, I have a whole lotta spare time. What with all the crazy O-faces I can make alone without the assistance of a spotter or a ravenous pet.

Anyways, these people in the video are participating in what I can only describe as a typical weeknight for them. It's an "air sex" competition. You know, sorta like air guitar competitions except more imagination and less shame. Simple enough, these people are showing how they get their rocks off without stripping off their clothes. From the initial view, you can say they are having one "sexy time." But on a second view, it's just a bunch of white dudes and gals, many of whom are fugly as fug, flopping around on a stage like fish on a boat.

No 'Munn'-y Shot?

Video Game - E3 2009 - Attack of the Show

Life is so unfair. I have to pay taxes to support some choice lazy sunzabitches. GD impoverished. Plus, I live in possibly the worst state in the union (go ahead, guess which one). And now that I find out that my dream blow up doll model, Olivia Munn, will do Playboy, she won't show beave, boob, or bush? WTF? This is GD Playboy, not Maxim, darlin'. You're simply teasing us, Ms. Munn, with this. And believe me, from what I'm seeing, Olivia is doing nothing too earth shattering or new in this pictorial. Shame on you, Olivia. Shame, shame on you.

With that said, though, I don't think it would deter me from sticking the pages together. Tee-hee!

Nowhere Near 'Indian Thriller' Status

I like to believe that movies can imitate real life (see World Trade Center, United 93) and/or suspend reality (Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Hot Rod). But to say this Tollywood movie from India can make me believe that a man who looks to be 5'5" and 205 pounds can actually dribble and shoot and outrun a train, then you got me trapped man. I don't know. Don't look at me for the answers to the complexities of life and logic. Just watch the thing and pretend you can do anything. God, I feel like puking right now.

Oh, yeah, and if you like to compare this to my all time favorite import from Indian aside from tandoori chicken, go right ahead, sir.

Ashley Tisdale Makes Obama Blush

I am exactly one whole day older than Ashley Tisdale.

I actually have nothing of point to say to that except that it makes me feel like I'm close to her already.

Anyways, Tisdale is one of those chicks I knew would be important enough to get my (balls') attention. And if being on The Suite Life with Zack and Cody weren't enough to grab my attention (because, apparently, that's all I watched during college), she shook her lil' ass around with the High School Musical folk.

Speaking of hot lil' pieces of girly mess shaking their asses, Ashley danced circles around an Obama-impersonator on some Spanish show or something. Don't ask me. I wish Ashley danced on my pelvis. Seriously, like stomping on my nuts and shit.

(You can tell how horny I've been in today's posts. Good Lord, I shouldn't be blogging right now.)

Heidi to Do Playboy

This "thing" will show off her boobs, butt, and bush. Yay?

In news that shouldn't surprise you, Heidi Montag-Pratt-Belzebub will pose nekkid for Playboy, so says People Magazine. (I swear, it has to irk magazine publications to do stories on other magazine publications. Hell, it's funny too because I learned this story from Entertainment Weekly.)

[The Reality TV star] will pose for the September issue of Playboy...Montag has yet to shoot her photos for the magazine. [EW.com]

I first read about this earlier this morning at 2 a.m. and I started to wonder "how would hate sex be with this chick?" I mean, I would hate sex this chick into warp speed. I mean, imagine parts of the bed falling off, headboard and all. I can also see myself holding her head down with my foot while in the chicken-winged position. OK, too graphic. But my God, do I wanna beat this chick down with my penis.

Anyways, I have not been one to watch The Hills. In fact, I hope in a quick instance that MTV cease exist from all history, public record, and memory. It's just the whore parade that Heidi and Spencer represent that irks me. Same goes with Lindsay Lohan. And the Jon and Kate people. And with Jennifer Aniston. And former Secretary of State Madeline Albright. And Sarah Palin or her daughter (the 14-year-old one that Letterman almost implied about raping or the 18-year-old one who got knocked up and is now a living, breathing testament to abstinence).

Plus, there's rumors over how much Heidi would get paid for the spread. I read somewhere that it would be six-figures. Shit, I would show my balls on live television for a sandwich and a fluffing.

Congratulations, Heidi. Here's hoping that we cross paths and that I may bury your head in a pillow while I make you bleed from friction burn.

HIV is Back in SoCal Porn

Peter North says "Don't look at me. Maybe it was one of these broads."

Just like any junky to a thin needle, an unnamed porn actress, who more than likely takes the "flesh" needle, tested positive for HIV, a San Fernando Valley clinic reported. This, for sure, is putting the Southern California pornography industry, which produces those mainstream pictures you and I see, such as "The Cockfather" and "Black Dicks in White Chicks," in high alert. This is the first such positive testing in the business since 2004. Of course, between then and now, everything's been peachy, what with the safe gay sex and safe ass-to-mouth pictures that Brandon Iron and the guys at Bang Brothers pop out, not to cynically put those movies down.

The 2004 case involving a male porn actor crippled the industry shtting down productions for four weeks. With this latest infection, I'm sure we won't be jerkin' it for a while to in-production projects such as "Dirty Dick Downers 3" or "Daddy Spank Me There 11."

There's also word that at least 16 HIV cases went unpublicized.

In all, 16 men and 5 women who worked as adult film industry performers contracted HIV between 2004 and 2008, according to Los Angeles County Department of Public Health data requested by The Times. [LA Times]

So let this be a reminder to you barely legal teen starlets who want to break in to porno with dreams of becoming a legitimate actress. When you have sex with dudes like Rocco Sifredi, Nacho Vidal, or Seymour Butts, just imagine the HIV, chlymidia, or whatever bacteria just eating the inside of your snatch. Then, see who really wins.

And now, presenting Leah Luv fellating a hot dog.

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