Presenting the 'Jam' of Summer '09

Spencer's the ape man. Heidi's the cheap blonde floozy. Both have recorded songs. I weep for mankind.
This is the post where the first traces of my hypocrisy surfaces, as if clues weren't left in my Facebook, MySpace, or BlogSpot accounts (ZOMG!).

But, my God, if today wasn't a good day to smile and cry on the inside at the same time.

America's foremost media manwhore, Spencer Pratt, dropped his first rap single, yo! And it's totally phat, G! Like low ridin' in your Porshe 2010 drop top, homey! Like word to yo mutha', home skillet!

The Spence addressed the hatahs hatin' on his thirst to be exposed to the media limelight. He also countered the naysayers by saying he makes "mad cheddar" and that people hate him because the "media loves me." Thus, my hypocrisy. I would never in my right mind want to bring more attention to this undeserving douchebag and his utterly aborted attempts at a world outside fake reality acting. But, the man's gotta feed himself and his plastic wife. See, he's just like me except if he's gotta eat it's like smoked dodo bird with a side of bald eagle and for me it's $1 McDoubles.

Hustlah's gotta stick togethah, yo!

An Early Grave Between Two Buns

A "culinary abortion"...of your life!

I'll admit to eating my weight in chimichungas. I'll admit to the mindset that an all-you-can-eat dinner is more of an endurance challenge than a meal. I'll even admit to making the greatest omelet ever, dropping it accidentally, and then eating it off the floor.

But will I willingly let a $20, 4,800-calorie beast of a burger be the death of me? Apparently, a Grand Rapids minor league baseball club wants its to be death of its fans.

The 4-pound burger features five beef patties, five slices of cheese, nearly a cup of chili and liberal doses of salsa and corn chips, all on an 8-inch sesame-seed bun.

The Grand Rapids Press reports that anyone who eats the entire 4,800-calorie behemoth in one sitting will receive a special T-shirt. [AP/Grand Rapids Press]

Five beef patties? Corn chips? Five slices of cheese? And you get a T-shirt if you survive it, no doggy bags?

I can see the article for the first customer to tackle the burger: "'What Burger?,' the man gloatingly said before collapsing and foaming at the mouth." Instead of a T-shirt, should they get a complementary heart resucitation regardless of whether they're still breathing?