Kumar (Without Harold) Goes to the White House

I feel absolutely safe about this guy representing me.

The year 2009 looks to be a signature year for the Harold & Kumar alumni. John Cho, affectionately known as Harold, will take on the role of Sulu in the upcoming Star Trek reimagining. Neil Patrick Harris, equally affectionately known as "NPH," is kicking ass on How I Met Your Mother, and, I'm calling it here and now, Harris will trump that jack-ass Jeremy Piven to win this year's Emmy for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series.

And there comes news today of Kal Penn, the star of movies like Epic Movie, Bachelor Party Vegas, Van Wilder, and Van Wilder 2: Rise of the Taj, taking up a role in the White House. Of course, the writers of his now-former show House had to "off" him in a very tragic manner. You know, Kurt Cobain-style. (Let this be a PSA on suicide: don't kill yourself that violently. You do want to look good for the ladies at your open casket funeral.)

Now, we're not talking about a new dramatic TV series or comedy about the White House, Oval Office, or East Wing, for that matter. But Penn, who plays our favorite Indian stoner Kumar, will be a something to the Obama administration and the Asian and Pacific Islander community...or something. No, really.

*sigh* Entertainment Weekly gots this:

White House spokesman Shin Inouye said Tuesday that the actor who has a recurring role on Fox's TV show "House" and has starred in several movies would join the staff as an associate director in the Office of Public Liaison.

His role will be to connect Obama with the Asian-American and Pacific Islander communities, as well as arts and entertainment groups.

So I think that's cool. Kal Penn is a versatile character actor. Unfortunately, the only character he can play in this movie industry age is "generic Indian-American." But that's Hollywood's way of thinking that diversity exists. They more than remade up for it with Slumdog Millionaire. I haven't seen that movie yet but I imagine it's more like this.

You Sick, Twisted F**k, You!

Yeah. This probably f**ked up the beginning of your day. I bet you were there just drinking your $4 latte, just minding your own business, reading the Family Circus in your defunct local paper of yours. Then, BAM! Freakin' shihtzu in a bikini. If you're like me, you have lost your faith in humanity and other dog owners as well. And if you're the kind of person in to this, then f**k you too!

[Pet Pet Blog]

Cooter Footer: Realism on Relationships

In my current relational state of affairs, I can only wonder how I've gone this long without holding on to a long-term relationship more than six months long. Then, I watch this clip from Chris Rock's HBO stand-up comedy special Never Scared.

It's not that I can't hold onto a relationship for long. It's just that I haven't so long as to strike one up. You know, the "in-between girlfriends for three freakin' years" phase.

So for inspiration, and for me to think twice on re-entering the market, I give you this food for thought from Mr. Rock, who makes several good points.

The bulletpoints of this six minute vid are...

• Re-examine the times you were "in love"; 0:00-0:57 makes it clear to you
  
• It's all about her, no matter what
• Don't argue with her; In the end, she will win anyways
• And, face it, some guys are good, but were you good enough to be "the first choice?"
  

Realism like this makes me and Chris Rock the worst viewers of pornography ever. We won't buy the acting those "actors" are selling until the whole scene "ends."

I Met This Guy Yesterday...

Couldn't get the camera out to take a pic, but, by God, his chin and forehead were bigger than I imagined.

Palm Springs is definitely not Hollywood. I'm glad I can clear that up with my friends back in Texas, who still think I'm in the "glamourous" part of California after three years.

With that said, I met Kevin Weisman. You know, Marshall from Alias? You know, the hobbit-loving guy from Clerks II? The guy who has the freakishly huge forehead, nose, and chin and I'm still amazed that he's not a year-round Mardi Gras float. Me being sick and all but with the itch to just bust the F' out of my abode, I met Mr. Weisman over a game of cards. This is the un-teenth occasion that I have come across somebody from TV or movies or in the semi-celebrity realm of poker out in this Desert hole. The previous times meeting these people included me freaking the f**k out over who he/she was.

But this occasion, I was too sick and too "wise" (eh, get it) to start bombarding Mr. Weisman with questions about Alias or Jennifer Garner or Michael Vartan or, for that matter, Victor Garber (hello? TV nerd here!) Mr. Weisman wouldn't be that big for you to identify. For that matter, I've already met Willie Garson (bald gay dude with glasses in the Sex and the City movie and series), Sara Rue (the once fat chick who had top-billing on her own TV show on ABC called Less Than Perfect), Kristy Gazes (female professional poker player who I essentially freaked the f**k over and eventually forced out of the poker room for me being too rowdy over her appearance), and Ricki Lake (we all know who she is...I took 100 dollars from her...score!) I know, big celebrities.

I find it funny that I meet the actors and actresses here in California and I've met the professional sports figures in my home state. I mean, I've met Nolan Ryan. And I've gotten thisclose to Roger Clemens. Wow, if I only knew he'd been juicing. I've should have seen the signs. I did see him limp though as if he had something sharp go through his bum. (I was only writing what you were thinking...Gah!)

A 'High Octane, Adrenaline Rush' Wins Box Office Weekend

I just made you c*m in your pants with explosions, fast driving, and my husky scrawl.

You would think that after two attempts at a sequel, both included big star names like Tyrese, Ludacris, Eva Mendes (actually, there's nothing wrong with her), and Bow Wow, that The Fast and the Furious-er franchise would learn their lesson and keep that "edge-of-your-seat" joy ride for another day. But nooooo. They had to bring the movie back. And bring back the original cast. And bring back the shitty director of the middle two movies.

And apparently, that was enough to draw $30.1 million (?!) on Fast and Furious' Friday opening (they fuckin' ran out of ideas to name this bitch). America, F*CK YOU! How dare you make this picture that brought back Vin Diesel (oh, do I long for another Pitch Black sequel), Paul Walker (he still acts?!), and Michelle Rodriguez (she still acts?!) the biggest opening in April! I blame you, movie-going dense population of middle-America, for solidifying the possibility of a fifth fuckin' F-n-F movie and effectively showing the world that we will watch anything (despite the French still laughing at Jerry Lewis and despite the fact that every person, shit fetishist or not, has seen Two Girls and a Cup). What the hell does this franchise have left? A motion picture of Vin Diesel taking a dump for 90 minutes and then calling it The Fast and The Furious: Vin Diesel's Turd (yes, "turd," in every way, shape, and form of the word). Ok, I'm not being fair to this movie because I haven't seen it. Still, a mighty, hardy middle finger to you, moviegoing public!

Heels-Spartans...Who Do You Got?

Either way, we all win.

My God! You can't help but root for this National Championship game coming up this Monday at Ford Field in Detroit. North Carolina produced a Whacking Day-like...whacking of Villanova, fulfilling half of the prophecy that with at least seven Big East teams in the Tourney, none of them was up to snuff to win the whole enchilada. (Heels over 'Nova in the Nat'l Semis, 83-69.)

In the other Big East wank fest, Michigan State played behind a Spartan-centric crowd (Ford Field is located within 45 minutes from East Lansing) and the aura that the Big Ten is no conference to fuck with (seriously) by dismissing the mighty UConn Huskies, 82-73, in the other Nat'l Semifinal.

So we get a rematch of the same two teams from the Dec. 3, 2008 matchup that also took place at Ford Field. UNC dispatched the Spartans in a 30-point thrashing. Still, it's the Big Ten vs. the ACC. (Holy shit! You never saw that coming. If you predicted an all Big East Final Four, then you were smoking something or your so-called radar for college basketball got busted...don't worry, Dick Vitale, Digger Phelp, Jay Bilas, and Hubert Davis led me astray as well.) But I figure no matter who was in the final, whether it be a wankfest between the Duke Blue Devils and the New York Fashion Institute of Technology (MAKE IT WOOOORK!), then you'd still be drinking, pretending to know that the Tar Heels will make you beat them from the perimeter, and beating your girlfriend for going against you just because it would make you mad...HAHA.

Oh, yeah, we got like hot girls from the Final Four teams from Gunaxin. God bless coeds!

Oh, Yeah, Wrestlemania's Tonight

Take THAT, you smelly ol' brute!

In news you don't have to take seriously or treat as if it's real, the 25th anniversary of Wrestlemania is tonight. It's the World Wrestling Federation's marquee event set to showcase its talent to the forefront of international sports entertainment and yah-dah yah-dah yah-dah...could not give a shit. I tell you right now, ever since I spent 55 dollars on last year's Wrestlemania, shell out 40 dollars each for four other WWE pay-per-views, spend another 200 dollars for a pay-per-view in San Diego, and led to believe that all their shit is hardcore wrestling only to be shown that it's TV-PG entertainment at its worst, I have been jaded with "sports entertainment," aka seeing how far this abortion goes.

I have to care, though, because this year's Wrestlemania takes place at the massive Reliant Stadium in my hometown of Houston, Texas. And of course, I freak the fuck out when something big like this happens to my hometown. (Hey, Knicks fans! Remember 1994? God, I love that year. GO ROX!)

So without further ado, I will highlight the card for Wrestlemania in my beloved hometown, from ascending order of importance or how I see it being played out:

JBL (c) vs. Rey Mysterio, Intercontinental Championship: After a long nap not having a match at Wrestlemania, the IC championship returns to be defended at the "biggest stage of them all." JBL won the title from CM Punk, who virtually laid down for Big Boobies John. Rey Mysterio is back at WM for the first time also since winning the World "Heavyweight" Championship at WM XXII. I like Rey Mysterio, but watch Jiggly Boobs Layfield win this one and then "create history," however the f*ck he does it.

25-Diva Battle Royal: Just set your DVR to slow motion on this one so you can have a "free hand." If you're a wrestling purist, then this one's not for you. I will say Beth Phoenix, Gail Kim, or Michelle McCool leaves this one as "Miss Wrestlemania," really, whatever the fuck that is.

Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy, Extreme Rules Match: Fuck if I know about this one. WWE is running the angle that Matt created the "dark cloud" that sabotaged Jeff's 2008. It's what led to Jeff's house burning down, Jeff getting his second drug suspension, Jeff getting knocked out in a Boston hotel stairwell, Jeff blah muthafuckin' blah muthafuckin' blah. Still, if you know the Hardys in Extreme Rules matches at Wrestlemania, they will throw limb and caution to entertain you people. At the end, Matt and Jeff will have family dinner and they'll talk about "what chair shot to the head?" or "what barb-wire baseball hit to the mid-section?" Watch Jeff win or a surprise happen here.

The Bella Twins: Creating the illusion that twins are hot, but separate them and you got two chicks who've groupied for Motley Crue at separate occasions.

John Morrison & The Miz vs. Carlito and Primo, Undisputed WWE Tag Team Championship: So we get a weak-ass angle where Miz & Morrison steal the Colons' girls, the Bella Twins, from each other, back and forth, over the past several months. Talk about manufacturing a frickin' soap opera. Each team holds tag titles for their respected brands. But all is on the line. Nikki is with the "In Crowd" while Brie is in the corner of the Colons. (I can tell which one is which. Brie has the hot pelvis tattoos. You can't have the girls separate, though. It's just weird to tag only one of them in bed.) This match will be contested in a Lumberjack match so there's a guarantee an undisputed tag champ comes out. Watch Miz and Morrison come out with the titles via Brie turning on the Carribean duo.

8-Man Money in the Bank Ladder Match: Shelton Benjamin. MVP. CM Punk. Kane. Finlay. Mark Henry. Christian. Kofi Kingston. You want high wrestling spots where one man leaps into a crowd of his competitors from the top-most rung of a ladder? Eh, me neither. But this match guarantees excitement for the 20 minutes that it's given. Originated at Wrestlemania 21, the MITB match creates drama and brute force from all of its competitors, all with the goal of becoming the Money in the Bank briefcase holder. The briefcase holds a guaranteed title shot for any title, at any time, for up to one year. So a whole lot, like, is riding on this. CM Punk won this baby last year and still some people forget he was a World Champion. The field is deep, but watch MVP win this one. The whole world, including me, is waiting for an MVP world championship reign. (For some nagging reason, I still think it's not going to happen soon.)

Chris Jericho vs. Roddy Piper, Jimmy Snuka, and Ricky Steamboat with Ric Flair: I know exactly what will happen in this one (we have a run-in with "Wrestler" Mickey Rourke with the team of legends picking up the win). Still, Jericho's angle, despite all the repetition, still has juice on it and I'm intrigue how this will all go down. Jericho, a once-party animal heel/face/heel, is one of the best things going for the WWE. (Despite what you think of bad guys and good guys, bad guys still play a huge role in professional wrestling. If we had all wrestlers as faces, then what kind of business will there be?)

Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels, The "Streak" vs. "Mr. Wrestlemania": I refuse to get sucked into this match and its lead up. But, alas, I still do because these two are still the biggest names going in the industry, period. Undertaker, aka "The American Bad-Ass" aka just plain ol' 42-year-old Mark Calloway from Houston, has the fabled undefeated streak at WM (16-0). He puts that streak on the line against Shawn Michaels, aka "The Showstopper" aka "The Main Event" aka "The Man who Lost his Smile" aka just plain ol' 43-year-old Michael Hickenbottom from San Antonio. (To think of it on another level, this is like the Rockets taking on the Spurs, except the rosters are in tact after nearly 21 years in the league.) I see the Rockets, er, I mean, the Undertaker going 17-0 at the end of this one.

Edge (c) vs. Big Show vs. John Cena, World Heavyweight Championship: This WILL NOT close WM. There is no way that a cheap love triangle involving two of the wrestlers in this match and the fat tub of estrogenic goo that we call the General Manager of a fuckin' wrestling program will close the biggest show on the WWE calendar. With that said, we'll get a couple of Edge spears, a couple of Big Show knock out punches, and several "Attitude Adjustments" from Cena (Attitude Adjustment. If that adjustment was playing for the other side.....gah!) Edge and Big Show will be so distracted with the angle that Cena will squeak in there for the win...only to be drafted to Smackdown the next week, forced to vacate the title, and deservingly never see a World Title for at least 10 months.

Triple H (c) vs. Randy Orton, WWE Championship: THIS will close WM. Here's some background: Orton won his right to fight for the title at the Royal Rumble. Then, there comes a threat from the higher-ups that Orton would be fired by Raw General Manager Stephanie McMahon (WWE Chairman Vince's daughter in real-life). Orton doesn't take too kindly to this, and he and his hoodlums of his group "Legacy" beat on Vince with Orton kicking the old man in his head. The following weeks Orton challenges, defeats, and head-kicks Vince's son and Stephanie's brother Shane. At the same time, Stephanie gets attacked with Orton's signature move, the RKO. Then, Triple H comes out to protect Stephanie, who he finally admits after all this time, lock and key, that he married and has kids, apparently. So for the past two months, it has been a vendetta showdown between Triple H and Randy Orton, both of whom are very familiar with each other according to professional wrestling lore. Nothing of which involves the actual title itself. Still, WWE really made this storyline the most intense leading up to WM. Whether it is attacking your opponent at his "home" domestic invasion-style (Triple H attacking Orton) or DDTing and then kissing your opponent's wife while you're handcuffed in front of you (Orton attacking Stephanie McMahon with Triple H helplessly watching), heads will definitely roll. I suspect "fuckery" afoot with this match. The match will apparently be a NO Disqualification match, anything goes. Expect Stephanie McMahon to "screw" her husband out of the title and then turn heel.

Wow, it's so detailed! Yeah, I had to occupy my Monday, Tuesday, and Friday nights watching something. Big freakin' whoop. Wanna fight about it?

Ah, staged outcomes. Gotta love it!