Now Presenting...What I Do in My Spare Time

VIMBY - Air Sex

And believe me, I have a whole lotta spare time. What with all the crazy O-faces I can make alone without the assistance of a spotter or a ravenous pet.

Anyways, these people in the video are participating in what I can only describe as a typical weeknight for them. It's an "air sex" competition. You know, sorta like air guitar competitions except more imagination and less shame. Simple enough, these people are showing how they get their rocks off without stripping off their clothes. From the initial view, you can say they are having one "sexy time." But on a second view, it's just a bunch of white dudes and gals, many of whom are fugly as fug, flopping around on a stage like fish on a boat.

Is it Possible to Be Sexually Molested by a 30-Second Commercial?

Spokesperson or convicted child rapist?

This furniture store commercial out of Cleveland, Ohio apparently has made the rounds on the internets and it has become viral enough to warrant its own Wikipedia page.

Cut to the chase: the commercial is a piece of sh*t. And if it weren't enough that a costomed frog and a bandit with bush hedgers are featured in the piece of sh*t (because calling it a commercial is an insult to the Creative Services people I work with), then the voice of the spokesperson, Marc Brown, just sends shivers to your back. I mean, I feel like I've just been tricked to go with him in an empty ally and show him how "steers and queers" do it. Icky. Yuck.

See that. Now, my innocence is lost.

[Hot Clicks via Warming Glow]

Nude Man Tased at Coachella

This dude pulled a big no-no with his...ahem..."no-no."

He was a naked wizard that wanted nothing to do but get naked and bust out his "wand." But alas, he got naked, resisted the kind uniformed officers' requests to put his robe back on, and got electrified out of it. It all happened at Coachella this past weekend. Notice about 2 minutes into the vid that the cop in the far end puts on gloves. He knew he was about to get close to some male dangle.

Caution: gratiutous brain hanging. NSFW:

Naked Wizard Tased By Reality from Tracy Anderson on Vimeo.

Cooter Shooter: Mmmm. Randomness.

[Warming Glow] Introducing...my lunch!

Ok, I am Asian. But not the Korean Asian that just eats anything on four legs and has an adorable look on its face before getting devoured. With that said, look at the adorable puppy. Look at it. Look at it. Doesn't he look deliciously adorable with relish on his back?

Car Chase with Benny Hill Music:

I agree with most of my fellow internet perverts geeks that anything is best with Benny Hill in the background. Of course, this applies to broadcasted murder, sex, snuff films, and, you guessed right, Two Girls in a Cup (WTF is my fixation with that?)

Dayman! Fighter of the Nightman!

WhyTF was I not told about this performance? On April 18, the guys from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia did a live theatrical version of "The Nightman Cometh" from its season four finale. In the ep, Charlie, who I think is the Most Valuable Character in the whole series, makes a musical about his insane, inhalant-induced song "Dayman."

Essentially, you have to be an educated stoner to love this show full of sarcasm and biting fravolity all over the place.

Again, though, WHY THE FUCK wasn't I told about the live show? I totally had nothing to do that night. I'm only a car ride away from L.A. F*CK!

What Happens When Ice-T Needs Money:

Ok. I could live with Ice-T doing Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. Primetime TV cop is a role not to sneeze at. But the man who once wanted to kill all cops is providing the voice of a talking mule. This trailer for Tommy and the Cool Mule should just provide enough fodder and criteria to list it on the IMDB Bottom 100.

Oh look! It's Hercules!

You Sick, Twisted F**k, You!

Yeah. This probably f**ked up the beginning of your day. I bet you were there just drinking your $4 latte, just minding your own business, reading the Family Circus in your defunct local paper of yours. Then, BAM! Freakin' shihtzu in a bikini. If you're like me, you have lost your faith in humanity and other dog owners as well. And if you're the kind of person in to this, then f**k you too!

[Pet Pet Blog]

Who Wants to Do What to Your Car?!

Shake dem dreads! Shake dem dreads! Shake dem dreads! Shake dem dreads!

How they get this stuff on the internet is another mystery of life. Although they called it YouTube, they should just rename it "You Can Play Out the Rap Video Fantasy in Your Head"...Tube.

The Scrayper Boyz, the rap group behind this masterpiece "They Wanna F*ck My Car," are comprised of QJ, J-Will, Yung Tay, and The Prince, who is not to be confused with Jehovah's Witness/androgynous pop star/all-out beast on the b-ball court Prince. There's no concept to this video except naming their whips after refreshment drinks and doing exactly word-for-word what E-40 says on his own hit single "Tell Me When to Go."

Black people, you may begin disowning your own kind starting with this rag tag group.

Best. Burglary. Ever!

The gripping struggle of a burglar's thirst for booze.

Mine eyes have seen the glory of this most awesome video. When I watched it, I was like "get the f*ck outta here! That can't happen." And guess what, it did.

In short, ( burglar + alcohol - good sense ) x infinity = awesome infinity squared cubed. (Big freakin' whoop, I took calculus in college.)

Oh, Sh*t! Is That Money?!

Those lessons at the Pacman Jones School of Strip Club Etiquette sure paid off.

The quick story: Car chase suspects throw money out of truck mid-pursuit on the 805 in San Diego. The motorists behind them realize there's no ticker tape parade on the highway.

YouTube and CBS 8, go!:

It's all a decision in morality with this one. Do you stop your f'n car in the middle of a busy California highway to pick up drug money? Of course, everything's ok for these people to stop in the FUCKING THIRD LANE OF A FOUR LANE HIGHWAY (!) to pick up a dollar bill especially when there's a television news camera documenting everything. (The lady in pink gets me, man.) Believe me, I'd risk life and limb to pick up $600 of stolen money on a speeding highway while a TV crew films me. There's definitely no problem with that.

This just proves further that the recession is the most used excuse today. Brazilian waxes be damned.