Take THAT, you smelly ol' brute!In news you don't have to take seriously or treat as if it's real, the 25th anniversary of Wrestlemania is tonight. It's the World Wrestling Federation's marquee event set to showcase its talent to the forefront of international sports entertainment and yah-dah yah-dah yah-dah...could not give a shit. I tell you right now, ever since I spent 55 dollars on last year's Wrestlemania, shell out 40 dollars each for four other WWE pay-per-views, spend another 200 dollars for a pay-per-view in San Diego, and led to believe that all their shit is hardcore wrestling only to be shown that it's TV-PG entertainment at its worst, I have been jaded with "sports entertainment," aka seeing how far this abortion goes.
I have to care, though, because this year's Wrestlemania takes place at the massive Reliant Stadium in my hometown of Houston, Texas. And of course, I freak the fuck out when something big like this happens to my hometown. (Hey, Knicks fans! Remember 1994? God, I love that year. GO ROX!)
So without further ado, I will highlight the card for Wrestlemania in my beloved hometown, from ascending order of importance or how I see it being played out:
JBL (c) vs. Rey Mysterio, Intercontinental Championship: After a long nap not having a match at Wrestlemania, the IC championship returns to be defended at the "biggest stage of them all." JBL won the title from CM Punk, who virtually laid down for Big Boobies John. Rey Mysterio is back at WM for the first time also since winning the World "Heavyweight" Championship at WM XXII. I like Rey Mysterio, but watch Jiggly Boobs Layfield win this one and then "create history," however the f*ck he does it.
25-Diva Battle Royal: Just set your DVR to slow motion on this one so you can have a "free hand." If you're a wrestling purist, then this one's not for you. I will say Beth Phoenix, Gail Kim, or Michelle McCool leaves this one as "Miss Wrestlemania," really, whatever the fuck that is.
Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy, Extreme Rules Match: Fuck if I know about this one. WWE is running the angle that Matt created the "dark cloud" that sabotaged Jeff's 2008. It's what led to Jeff's house burning down, Jeff getting his second drug suspension, Jeff getting knocked out in a Boston hotel stairwell, Jeff blah muthafuckin' blah muthafuckin' blah. Still, if you know the Hardys in Extreme Rules matches at Wrestlemania, they will throw limb and caution to entertain you people. At the end, Matt and Jeff will have family dinner and they'll talk about "what chair shot to the head?" or "what barb-wire baseball hit to the mid-section?" Watch Jeff win or a surprise happen here.
The Bella Twins: Creating the illusion that twins are hot, but separate them and you got two chicks who've groupied for Motley Crue at separate occasions.8-Man Money in the Bank Ladder Match: Shelton Benjamin. MVP. CM Punk. Kane. Finlay. Mark Henry. Christian. Kofi Kingston. You want high wrestling spots where one man leaps into a crowd of his competitors from the top-most rung of a ladder? Eh, me neither. But this match guarantees excitement for the 20 minutes that it's given. Originated at Wrestlemania 21, the MITB match creates drama and brute force from all of its competitors, all with the goal of becoming the Money in the Bank briefcase holder. The briefcase holds a guaranteed title shot for any title, at any time, for up to one year. So a whole lot, like, is riding on this. CM Punk won this baby last year and still some people forget he was a World Champion. The field is deep, but watch MVP win this one. The whole world, including me, is waiting for an MVP world championship reign. (For some nagging reason, I still think it's not going to happen soon.)
Chris Jericho vs. Roddy Piper, Jimmy Snuka, and Ricky Steamboat with Ric Flair: I know exactly what will happen in this one (we have a run-in with "Wrestler" Mickey Rourke with the team of legends picking up the win). Still, Jericho's angle, despite all the repetition, still has juice on it and I'm intrigue how this will all go down. Jericho, a once-party animal heel/face/heel, is one of the best things going for the WWE. (Despite what you think of bad guys and good guys, bad guys still play a huge role in professional wrestling. If we had all wrestlers as faces, then what kind of business will there be?)
Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels, The "Streak" vs. "Mr. Wrestlemania": I refuse to get sucked into this match and its lead up. But, alas, I still do because these two are still the biggest names going in the industry, period. Undertaker, aka "The American Bad-Ass" aka just plain ol' 42-year-old Mark Calloway from Houston, has the fabled undefeated streak at WM (16-0). He puts that streak on the line against Shawn Michaels, aka "The Showstopper" aka "The Main Event" aka "The Man who Lost his Smile" aka just plain ol' 43-year-old Michael Hickenbottom from San Antonio. (To think of it on another level, this is like the Rockets taking on the Spurs, except the rosters are in tact after nearly 21 years in the league.) I see the Rockets, er, I mean, the Undertaker going 17-0 at the end of this one.
Edge (c) vs. Big Show vs. John Cena, World Heavyweight Championship: This WILL NOT close WM. There is no way that a cheap love triangle involving two of the wrestlers in this match and the fat tub of estrogenic goo that we call the General Manager of a fuckin' wrestling program will close the biggest show on the WWE calendar. With that said, we'll get a couple of Edge spears, a couple of Big Show knock out punches, and several "Attitude Adjustments" from Cena (Attitude Adjustment. If that adjustment was playing for the other side.....gah!) Edge and Big Show will be so distracted with the angle that Cena will squeak in there for the win...only to be drafted to Smackdown the next week, forced to vacate the title, and deservingly never see a World Title for at least 10 months.
Triple H (c) vs. Randy Orton, WWE Championship: THIS will close WM. Here's some background: Orton won his right to fight for the title at the Royal Rumble. Then, there comes a threat from the higher-ups that Orton would be fired by Raw General Manager Stephanie McMahon (WWE Chairman Vince's daughter in real-life). Orton doesn't take too kindly to this, and he and his hoodlums of his group "Legacy" beat on Vince with Orton kicking the old man in his head. The following weeks Orton challenges, defeats, and head-kicks Vince's son and Stephanie's brother Shane. At the same time, Stephanie gets attacked with Orton's signature move, the RKO. Then, Triple H comes out to protect Stephanie, who he finally admits after all this time, lock and key, that he married and has kids, apparently. So for the past two months, it has been a vendetta showdown between Triple H and Randy Orton, both of whom are very familiar with each other according to professional wrestling lore. Nothing of which involves the actual title itself. Still, WWE really made this storyline the most intense leading up to WM. Whether it is attacking your opponent at his "home" domestic invasion-style (Triple H attacking Orton) or DDTing and then kissing your opponent's wife while you're handcuffed in front of you (Orton attacking Stephanie McMahon with Triple H helplessly watching), heads will definitely roll. I suspect "fuckery" afoot with this match. The match will apparently be a NO Disqualification match, anything goes. Expect Stephanie McMahon to "screw" her husband out of the title and then turn heel.
Wow, it's so detailed! Yeah, I had to occupy my Monday, Tuesday, and Friday nights watching something. Big freakin' whoop. Wanna fight about it?
Ah, staged outcomes. Gotta love it!
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