The Porn Industry Ran Out of Ideas

Let's leave it to porno to help us jerk off to hilarity.

Earlier this year, I pointed out the production of the Scrubs porn parody and how it made me gag and nag at the fact that one of my favorite shows on television is getting such a dubious treatment. Of course, during the course of the year, I said screw it and let's see the JD parody have a three-way with the Elliot parody and Todd parody. (Really, sex can't be that rampant in a hospital.) I thought they would stop short of just Scrubs, Keeping Up with the Kardashians (bad idea for a parody, BTW), and The Office, which looked to be a tough thing to parody what with making Dwight F-able and turning Michael Scott into a big boobed blonde. (Kudos to that casting coup. Bravo!) But now we got more of that same parody stuff coming (notice, no attempt at double entendre there).

Here are the shows being parodied. Keep in mind, all are SFW. But if you can't wait longer, you can pop in your DVDs of 30 Rock and imagine Tina Fey's Liz Lemon getting poled (there, an, albeit, poor attempt at double entendre):

Scrubs: XXX Parody

Aside from all the sex, are there HPA rules on intercourse all over a hospital. Geez, seriously.

30 Rock: XXX Parody

I'd like to point out that all the characters have their names blatantly changed, because, of course, lawsuits galore. Still, you got to love how the black porn actor tries poorly at matching the comedic insanity of Tracy Morgan. I'm a black robot muthafucka.

Seinfeld: XXX Parody

Of course, this one caught my eye for the worst parody of the bunch. Then again, when you have the "Porn Nazi," all bets are off. Eh. At least the hair department did a good job with the Elaine haircut and then keeping it on the actress' head during those, ahem, movable parts.

Friends: XXX Parody

Rachelle? Freebie? Moanica?! Of course, watch out for the big Russ and Rachelle love scene. They're always breaking up and getting back together a lot. Those kids.

That '70's Show: XXX Parody

It has everything you loved about the TV series and as an extra bonus, there's no Ashton Kutcher. Sidebar: I never liked Laura Prepon as an actress and I still don't. She's like nails on a chalkboard.

Entourage: XXX Parody

Well, with the sex in the actual show, isn't the parody already in the show? Funny how they make a parody within the parody. Those kids.

The X Files: XXX Parody

And when you thought Gillian Anderson wasn't any more F-able... Still, this is dubbed a "Dark XXX Parody." Isn't that reserved for the porn parodies of The Cosby Show or Good Times or The Jeffersons?

Am I Too Late to This Roman Polanski is a Jackass Gathering?

It's hard to look this pensive while having a near bloodlust for pre-teen poon.

It took Swizerland of all governments in the world to nab acclaimed motion picture director and foremost alleged child molestor Roman Polanski after 31 years on the run. Irony here, of course, is that the Swiss are pussies and pole-sitters and neutral and stuff and they get the opportunity to nab Polanski to win brownie points with America.

Anyways, the truth remains that Mr. Polanski allegedly did a bad thing in the eyes of the American courts. And he, like the Swiss, pussied out on facing his alleged crimes of playing cup the balls for two seconds with a teen. It's perhaps permissible in Europe but, of course, next thing you know you're running for your life all over Europe to allude authorities. Why all this time to get this guy, though? The Swiss?! The freakin' Swiss?! Really?!

If only Polanski's punishment can fit the crime. Next thing you know he's getting his butthole bleached by a hard roughnect inside the clank by the name of Catfish Killah. He's here to put his big worm on Polanski's lips. Oscar direct your way out of that, Roman!

Duck and Cover...for a Mushroom Cloud of Cuteness

If being a three-year-old girl who threw away a foul ball her dad caught and then being consoled on live TV was enough, here's more proof that you can't go wrong doing that. NBC Philadelphia caught up with Emily Monforto, the adorable little girl who "dropped the bah."

Why am I posting this? Maybe it's the amound of valium in my system. Or that I watched five hours of Playhouse Disney because I can't find my remote and the last thing I watched before turning the TV off was Hannah Montana. Awkward...

Chris Crocker Worships Kanye

Oh, Lord. I'm getting caught up in some incident that shouldn't be fussed up about. My feeling is that Kanye pulled a dick move on Taylor Swift and, by extension, Beyonce for simply declaring that "Single Ladies," which is JUST a music video, was the best of all time. (I guess art is subjective all the time.) Anyways, I'm thinking back to this incident and the Janet Jackson-Super Bowl incident. Kanye did not cuss. Kanye didn't whip out his penis. Kanye did not even kill Taylor Swift on stage. He simply spoke his dangerous mind. Janet Jackson flashed her titty for just 2-seconds and it caused a six-figure fine and changed how live events would be shown for the long run. What I'm just going to say is to chill out people. Taylor is going to live and be stronger from this. We now know that Beyonce, despite being the big superstar she is, could be the classiest celebrity out there now, and she sure doesn't need Kanye to tell people that. I've been envisioning prime time news show exclusive interviews with Kanye West or Taylor Swift. 60 Minutes or 20/20 or Dateline or the Today Show will blow this out and promote the hell out of it. What makes Kanye tick? on the next 60 Minutes. All of this can only hurt Kanye at the moment. Defenders and detractors be damned, Kanye has long been notorious for this type of business and I think it's all gone down to fatigue from the general public. In fact, I don't think the public in general knows Kanye's songs apart from Kanye's base genre listeners. They definitely know who Taylor Swift is though. This could be Kanye's Waterloo. (How about the timing also. Kanye, Jay-Z, and Rihanna are scheduled to perform on the first Jay Leno Show.)

And with that, I give you above internet half-celebrity/hermaphrodite Chris Crocker's say in the whole Kanye thing, complete with juggaboo salt shaker. Enjoy!

What a Fish Dick

MTV Shows

I guess we were over due for Kanye's next award show interruption and outburst, but it came Sunday night at the apparently still relevant MTV Video Music Awards in NYC.

Taylor Swift, 19, white, blonde, and absolutely adorable, accepted her award for Best Female Video, and she didn't even get out two complete thoughts before Kanye crashed the acceptance speech, grabbed the mic from Swift, and proclaimed that Beyonce's "Single Ladies" video was essentially better than Swift's video and the "best of all-time."

Priceless reactions: Beyonce in total mortification, Taylor Swift in delight terror, and the Radio City Music Hall in total disatisfaction of Kanye's act.

I've been aware of Kanye's douchebaggery for a long time but GD if he doesn't make some good records. Still, Mr. West's act is getting tired now and it wouldn't be a surprise if someone muzzled this fool. Then again, he provides that controversy and attention and apparently any publicity, good or bad, is still publicity. And it's due to that, he holds the argument that if you don't have him on anywhere then you suffer.

Also, Kanye essentially told a Taylor Swift, who has seen her own share of success, in front of her face and in front of the world that she's not worthy of a skyrocketing career like Beyonce's or his own. I guess there's no beating any graciousness into him.

Here's a hidden gem from Kanye's douchebaggery past. This time it's at the European Music Awards 2007. Go get 'em, Mr. West.

As for the rest of the show, host Russell Brand did no better than last year's showing. And the production of the show just was messy. Doesn't matter. MTV does not exist to me.

UPDATE: I have a new found respect for Beyonce Knowles. Kudos to you to give Taylor her stolen moment.

What the Hell is Wrong with Gus Johnson?

Ahhhhh! I love this time of year. Week 1 of the NFL season. No matter what, it is considered a national holiday. In fact, each and every Sunday is a national holiday during the NFL season. Of course, we're not short on the amount of storylines going into this season. Can't list them all right now, but I'll just say I really hate the Broncos with a passion, almost as musch as I hate mayonaise.

So I flip it to the last seconds of the Broncos-Bengals game today and makeshift starting QB Kyle Orton is charged with giving the Broncs a last chance at victory with 6-7 deficit. Through some stupid miracle of God, Orton's 20 yard pass attempt to Brandon Marshall was tipped by some Bengals defenders. Ball batted, down big play over, right? That was when the tip in the air ended up in the hands of Marshall's teammate Brandon Stokely, who took advantage of a sleeping secondary and proceeded to go another 60 yards to the house. And all the while, CBS' sure-fire fetishist Gus Johnson made a big spooge of the whole situation, and in typical Gus Johnson-style, yelled and screamed and made a big play bigger than it is.

I've always thought Gus Johnson was a jackass (the video above provided as sufficient evidence). I bet his co-workers at CBS Sports berate him quietly for his borderlining nerdish calls on par with a kid calling play-by-play in his own living room (guilty!). There's also more evidence in Johnson's work as the announcer for EliteXC on Showtime (Kimbo Slice-Seth Petruzelli, the prime example.)

Again, expect a whole bunch of jackassery from Gussy J.

White Weathermen Kinda Sorta Can Rap

I'm kinda amused by this video from the TV station I used to work at in Texas. I have not met morning weatherman Nick Kosir for Fox-affiliate KBTV in Beaumont, TX. But I can only imagine if he had to rap battle a whole bunch of thugged-up dudes in inner-city Detroit. So Nick keeps it funky fresh for morning TV viewers, talking the forecast in pre-written rap. Best part: "Today will be so hot, you'll be sweating your heiny." Yes, heiny is now in the rap vocabulary. *Rolls eyes.* Kudos, though, to Nick and my former co-workers for shaking off the stiltedness of TV news. If only they could do that as a follow up to the Nightly News...or maybe do it on the Nightly News. Katie Couric autotunes the news already. [Uncle Barky]

Cue That Inspirational R. Kelly Music

Despite the hall of fame, Michael Jordan is still held accountable for that piece of sh*t movie.

OK. We get it. You were and are good at basketball. Michael Jordan headlined the 2009 class of Basketball Hall of Fame inductees this week. Other people included the all-time assists leader John Stockton, who Jordan repeatedly made his bitch, Stockton's coach with Utah, Jerry Sloan, David Robinson, who's really freaking tall, and C. Vivian Stringer, who, let's face it, coached a team dubbed by Don Imus as [Editor's deletion, sorry, I'm not racist...yet].

Anyways, Michael Jordan made me love Michael Jordan merchandise. I don't know about the man himself, although that's pretty sad some Serbian bastard gunned down his pops. But Jordan is a merchandising icon. Who would have known that some kid from North Carolina would blow up to be the best basketball player in the world at only 6 feet 5 inches. Who would have known also that that same guy blew millions in gambling and soiled celluloid with Space Jam. Jordan the athlete=greatness. Jordan the actor=jackassery.

Congrats, John Stockton!

Is Shawne Merriman Gonna Have to Choke a Bitch?

Gizmo and Mr. T. A match made in heaven.

Oh, Shawne Merriman. Oh, oh, oh, Tila Tequila.

*Shakes head*

So Merriman was arrested over the weekend, accused of choking his girlfriend, Ms. Tequila, who apparently is still bisexual. I should not add creedance to this story because it appears to be a domestic spat between two consenting adults and whatever crazy frivolities went down in their million dollar house. But it is Tila Tequila and Shawne Merriman. Merriman has proven his mettle as one of the best defensive players in football, yet has constantly clashed with management over outside-the-field issues. And Tila Tequila got famous for adding sparkly text on her MySpace page.

Whatever. I love how this has white trash written all over it except, oops, it's exactly not.

As an added bonus, here's Gizmo from Gremlins rapping. Who knew?

Awesome Question Mark

On an otherwise ordinary day...

Beer pong. Dude in a chair on the roof. Can't really describe it all than that. I'm lazy. It's Friday.

Bam.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

What Punch? I Was Paying Attention to Those God-Awful Unis

Maaaaybe he had it coming.

LeGarrette Blount, tailback for the University of Oregon Ducks, might need some major counseling, from an anger management expert and a legal consult. Blount delivered a sucker punch to Boise State player Byron Hout following the Broncos' beatdown of the Ducks on Thursday night.

All the replays show a sick punch from Blount to the un-helmeted Byron. And later, Blount is restrained by Oregon trainers and coaches as he was taunted some more by Boise State fans. Blount offered a profuse apology after all of the mishigoss went down. And apparently, that apology was all for naught as he was suspended for the rest of the season by the University.

I don't know. I wasn't really paying attention to it all. All I could pay attention to was that horrid blue turf Boise State still uses and those God-awful uniforms the Ducks players are still subjected to strewn at every game. Nike, you suck. That and I'm trying to get this blog recognized on the Morning Buzz segment of Sportscenter. How 'bout it, dammit?!

The sucker punch:

Excuse Me If I Get a Little Verklempt

So I stumbled upon this little commercial by Real Rhapsody hocking the new Blueprint 3 record by Jay-Z. I thought it was special how they recreated every album cover that the Jigga Man made over his career. Now his new album will have some queer skyscraper-made-of-musical-instruments bullshit and three red lines overlay thing. It's obviously a departure from that hoodman rich kind of album covers we're accustomed of from him.

Nonetheless, I loved the commercial because it took me back in that drug-induced time machine that I call life. I remembered buying each and every album in the video. It was quite teary-eyed for me.

Anyways, enough gay shit. I got myself talking like I'm Gangstalicious.

DJ AM Spinning in the Afterlife Now

1973-2009

First, what the hell do I know about DJ AM? No offense to him, his memory, and all of his accomplishments, but I do not know what made him who he is besides his job of spinning records at big parties held by celebutantes and whatnot. But of course, we can always point back at the horrific plane crash he and drummer Travis Barker miraculously survived. So, no, I'm not so sad about DJ AM himself but rather sad about the fraility of life that followed AM. It's prophetic because of the circumstances around his death.

So Adam Goldstein, AM's real name, died only a year after enduring severe burns in the South Carolina plane crash. TMZ says prescription pills were found around AM's body when he was found dead in a NYC apartment.

All I know about AM is he was friends with Paris Hilton, used to date Nicole Richie and Mandy Moore, and was on that damn episode of Entourage in which he takes a pair of stupid ass graffiti'd Nikes from Turtle.

I don't know. It sucks that another person has died, albeit someone who got moderately famous for being famous, then notorized for surviving something he should have died in. But look at it this way. He's now spinning records in the afterlife behind a Michael Jackson performance in a nightclub that includes Billy Mays, Natasha Richardson, Les Paul, Ed McMahon, Karl Malden, Edward Kennedy, and Charo. Charo's dead right?

Gag Reflex

Or more like the lack of it. Hardee har har! This new restricted clip is from the new slasher flick Sorority Row. Despite the main cast being five alright looking chicks and Rumer Willis (have you seen her nose?!), the movie appears to be rehashing all of those slasher flicks of the past, especially the contemporaries (i.e. I Know What You Did Last Summer, Scream, Chocolat). But this clip was rather interesting. It had Margo Harshmann, which you may remember from a little show on Disney Channel called Even Stevens. It also had her forcefully inhaling a bottle. No, this is not a fetish sex clip. But it was an interesting way to write a death scene. Enjoy!

Ay Carumba! Es Fisticuffs a Basketbol!

Apparently, fighting on the basketball court is universal. B-ballers can talk smack and shit like this can go down. I'm not ashamed at all. I just love how the Mexican and Uruguyan (?) basketball players playing under FIBA rules just go at it. Spanish be damned! Pinches all over the court. AY AYAYAYAYAYA! RRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Hoe-Wielding Woman Protects Her Ho

In brief, two "underage" girls were arrested for stripping at an exotic dance bar or what have you. News crews in the Orlando market get wind of it and start looking for relatives of one of the girls, which is poor by standard procedure when something as juicy as this is brought up. News crew finds woman supposedly related to one of the girls. Woman apparently has a gardening tool handy to confront news crew. Roll credits. Somebody see the irony of underage strippers and a woman wielding a hoe? Anybody?

Dan Harris is a Jackass

ABC News correspondent Dan Harris is the man to see for the hard hitting, accurate journalism we look for in this era of modern information-sharing. If any part of that statement is true, then may I be pummeled and slashed with razor blades by 80 fat topless women. That's right. No fat topless women with razor blades here.

So Harris provided that brand of hard hitting interviewing when he sat down with Entourage guest star Jamie-Lynn Sigler, who plays herself playing another chick playing a girlfriend of the second least attractive member of the Vince crew, shlubby Turtle. Sigler also dates the guy who plays shlubby Turtle, Jerry Ferrera. And like the hard hitting, fact checking journalist that he is, Harris asks Sigler, to the effect of "do you think hot girls like you will date fat jackasses like Turtle?" And from there, awkwardness and uncomfortability ensues.

If that wasn't enough, Harris provides commentary on the interview knowing he didn't know that Sigler and Ferrera are dating. Bottom line, Harris and ABC are jackasses for thinking they can get the hip, Hollywood stories and knowing them all without research. No sarcastic remark here. I just want to take pride and self-satisfication in seeing Harris squearm when he finds out the truth. Toodles!

This Had a Lot of Potential...

That Miss Teen USA chick and that chick from 90210. No, the OTHER chick from 90210.

The possibilities are endless when you are presented a single image of two naked women and the lone dude behind the camera, of whom is also naked. Then, you're let down because the situation of two naked women, one of them your wife, the other some random chick you happen to know, and you, yourself, naked does not equate to sex on camera, which pretty much eliminates the purpose of having a camera on when all parties involved are in their birthday suits.

Alas, you have the situation involving Grey's Anatomy actor Eric Dane and his wife Rebecca Gayheart, who hasn't been on a good project since, I don't know, Jawbreaker? And the former Miss Teen USA and admitted sex addict Kari Anne Paniche. All of whom appeared naked in a 12-minute video leaked online today. (You know what else leaks online? R. Kelly. Sick son of a bitch.) As with anything as sensitive and revealing as this (see Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Greene), publicists for the involved parties (listen to me, I'm all into this legalese shit) say it was nothing other than "concensual" nakedness on camera and "no sex" was made. Although, you might have to admit, sex has been made in all of this, and if that's so, Rebecca Gayheart is probably one cool chick to involve Miss Teen USA in a three-way with her husband.

Bottom line, this "concensual" video looked like a sex tape, smelled like a sex tape, and even tasted like a sex tape. In all the sleaziness in my body, I'm very dissappointed when this wasn't a sex tape. How am I able to "pull the chain" with a tape of Rebecca Gayheart and Miss Teen USA just being naked without the fornication?

[Editor's Note: Ew. I don't do that. I do that only with established pros. Click, Open, Video file of Boner Jams '03]

Girl-On-Girl Brutality

I'm open to girl fights all the time. Nothing says all-American when two women who disagree with something so trivial as talking about each other behind each other's back or not being there for each other when they should have been. I don't know, that's what girls argue about, right? I am working that stereotype, right?

Anyways, I made that whole prologue to point out that a women's MMA match main evented a MMA card for the first time in history. And it pitted my darling Gina Carano and some woman named Cyborg. Needless to say, as I called it in a previous post, my Gina-bear got beaten to the canvas just as hard as a Van Gogh painting. Cyborg relentlessly pounded the technically-sound Carano in the first round with the ref calling the fight 1 second before the first round bell.

Despite all the hoopla, I think this beats the hell out of the classic girl-on-girl matchups. Venus vs. Serena. Seles vs. Graf. Kramer vs. Kramer. Maybe not so much Kramer vs. Kramer but how many girlfights have there been?

Hopefully my Gina-bear recovers from this. I'll get you ice and a nice heat pack for you, baby.

Josh Hamilton Lapsed

[Deadspin] You do body shots on girls, not on yourself! Silly.

Noted recovering alcholic and tatted up Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton apparently lapsed sobriety...and apparently had fun doing it. There shouldn't be a big deal about this but when a home run derby champ is flaunted on ESPN as someone who overcame "a sickness" then this is big news.

But then again, he is getting licked. Damn you, Hamilton. Maybe I need to become an alcoholic, say I've become sober, and then relapse...maybe that's how you get all the womens.

ESPN has the story. Deadspin has the pics. Enjoy!

BTW, none of the chicks in the pics is his wife. And so, the athlete stereotype continues.