The Porn Industry Ran Out of Ideas

Let's leave it to porno to help us jerk off to hilarity.

Earlier this year, I pointed out the production of the Scrubs porn parody and how it made me gag and nag at the fact that one of my favorite shows on television is getting such a dubious treatment. Of course, during the course of the year, I said screw it and let's see the JD parody have a three-way with the Elliot parody and Todd parody. (Really, sex can't be that rampant in a hospital.) I thought they would stop short of just Scrubs, Keeping Up with the Kardashians (bad idea for a parody, BTW), and The Office, which looked to be a tough thing to parody what with making Dwight F-able and turning Michael Scott into a big boobed blonde. (Kudos to that casting coup. Bravo!) But now we got more of that same parody stuff coming (notice, no attempt at double entendre there).

Here are the shows being parodied. Keep in mind, all are SFW. But if you can't wait longer, you can pop in your DVDs of 30 Rock and imagine Tina Fey's Liz Lemon getting poled (there, an, albeit, poor attempt at double entendre):

Scrubs: XXX Parody

Aside from all the sex, are there HPA rules on intercourse all over a hospital. Geez, seriously.

30 Rock: XXX Parody

I'd like to point out that all the characters have their names blatantly changed, because, of course, lawsuits galore. Still, you got to love how the black porn actor tries poorly at matching the comedic insanity of Tracy Morgan. I'm a black robot muthafucka.

Seinfeld: XXX Parody

Of course, this one caught my eye for the worst parody of the bunch. Then again, when you have the "Porn Nazi," all bets are off. Eh. At least the hair department did a good job with the Elaine haircut and then keeping it on the actress' head during those, ahem, movable parts.

Friends: XXX Parody

Rachelle? Freebie? Moanica?! Of course, watch out for the big Russ and Rachelle love scene. They're always breaking up and getting back together a lot. Those kids.

That '70's Show: XXX Parody

It has everything you loved about the TV series and as an extra bonus, there's no Ashton Kutcher. Sidebar: I never liked Laura Prepon as an actress and I still don't. She's like nails on a chalkboard.

Entourage: XXX Parody

Well, with the sex in the actual show, isn't the parody already in the show? Funny how they make a parody within the parody. Those kids.

The X Files: XXX Parody

And when you thought Gillian Anderson wasn't any more F-able... Still, this is dubbed a "Dark XXX Parody." Isn't that reserved for the porn parodies of The Cosby Show or Good Times or The Jeffersons?

Am I Too Late to This Roman Polanski is a Jackass Gathering?

It's hard to look this pensive while having a near bloodlust for pre-teen poon.

It took Swizerland of all governments in the world to nab acclaimed motion picture director and foremost alleged child molestor Roman Polanski after 31 years on the run. Irony here, of course, is that the Swiss are pussies and pole-sitters and neutral and stuff and they get the opportunity to nab Polanski to win brownie points with America.

Anyways, the truth remains that Mr. Polanski allegedly did a bad thing in the eyes of the American courts. And he, like the Swiss, pussied out on facing his alleged crimes of playing cup the balls for two seconds with a teen. It's perhaps permissible in Europe but, of course, next thing you know you're running for your life all over Europe to allude authorities. Why all this time to get this guy, though? The Swiss?! The freakin' Swiss?! Really?!

If only Polanski's punishment can fit the crime. Next thing you know he's getting his butthole bleached by a hard roughnect inside the clank by the name of Catfish Killah. He's here to put his big worm on Polanski's lips. Oscar direct your way out of that, Roman!

Duck and Cover...for a Mushroom Cloud of Cuteness

If being a three-year-old girl who threw away a foul ball her dad caught and then being consoled on live TV was enough, here's more proof that you can't go wrong doing that. NBC Philadelphia caught up with Emily Monforto, the adorable little girl who "dropped the bah."

Why am I posting this? Maybe it's the amound of valium in my system. Or that I watched five hours of Playhouse Disney because I can't find my remote and the last thing I watched before turning the TV off was Hannah Montana. Awkward...

Chris Crocker Worships Kanye

Oh, Lord. I'm getting caught up in some incident that shouldn't be fussed up about. My feeling is that Kanye pulled a dick move on Taylor Swift and, by extension, Beyonce for simply declaring that "Single Ladies," which is JUST a music video, was the best of all time. (I guess art is subjective all the time.) Anyways, I'm thinking back to this incident and the Janet Jackson-Super Bowl incident. Kanye did not cuss. Kanye didn't whip out his penis. Kanye did not even kill Taylor Swift on stage. He simply spoke his dangerous mind. Janet Jackson flashed her titty for just 2-seconds and it caused a six-figure fine and changed how live events would be shown for the long run. What I'm just going to say is to chill out people. Taylor is going to live and be stronger from this. We now know that Beyonce, despite being the big superstar she is, could be the classiest celebrity out there now, and she sure doesn't need Kanye to tell people that. I've been envisioning prime time news show exclusive interviews with Kanye West or Taylor Swift. 60 Minutes or 20/20 or Dateline or the Today Show will blow this out and promote the hell out of it. What makes Kanye tick? on the next 60 Minutes. All of this can only hurt Kanye at the moment. Defenders and detractors be damned, Kanye has long been notorious for this type of business and I think it's all gone down to fatigue from the general public. In fact, I don't think the public in general knows Kanye's songs apart from Kanye's base genre listeners. They definitely know who Taylor Swift is though. This could be Kanye's Waterloo. (How about the timing also. Kanye, Jay-Z, and Rihanna are scheduled to perform on the first Jay Leno Show.)

And with that, I give you above internet half-celebrity/hermaphrodite Chris Crocker's say in the whole Kanye thing, complete with juggaboo salt shaker. Enjoy!

What a Fish Dick

MTV Shows

I guess we were over due for Kanye's next award show interruption and outburst, but it came Sunday night at the apparently still relevant MTV Video Music Awards in NYC.

Taylor Swift, 19, white, blonde, and absolutely adorable, accepted her award for Best Female Video, and she didn't even get out two complete thoughts before Kanye crashed the acceptance speech, grabbed the mic from Swift, and proclaimed that Beyonce's "Single Ladies" video was essentially better than Swift's video and the "best of all-time."

Priceless reactions: Beyonce in total mortification, Taylor Swift in delight terror, and the Radio City Music Hall in total disatisfaction of Kanye's act.

I've been aware of Kanye's douchebaggery for a long time but GD if he doesn't make some good records. Still, Mr. West's act is getting tired now and it wouldn't be a surprise if someone muzzled this fool. Then again, he provides that controversy and attention and apparently any publicity, good or bad, is still publicity. And it's due to that, he holds the argument that if you don't have him on anywhere then you suffer.

Also, Kanye essentially told a Taylor Swift, who has seen her own share of success, in front of her face and in front of the world that she's not worthy of a skyrocketing career like Beyonce's or his own. I guess there's no beating any graciousness into him.

Here's a hidden gem from Kanye's douchebaggery past. This time it's at the European Music Awards 2007. Go get 'em, Mr. West.

As for the rest of the show, host Russell Brand did no better than last year's showing. And the production of the show just was messy. Doesn't matter. MTV does not exist to me.

UPDATE: I have a new found respect for Beyonce Knowles. Kudos to you to give Taylor her stolen moment.

What the Hell is Wrong with Gus Johnson?

Ahhhhh! I love this time of year. Week 1 of the NFL season. No matter what, it is considered a national holiday. In fact, each and every Sunday is a national holiday during the NFL season. Of course, we're not short on the amount of storylines going into this season. Can't list them all right now, but I'll just say I really hate the Broncos with a passion, almost as musch as I hate mayonaise.

So I flip it to the last seconds of the Broncos-Bengals game today and makeshift starting QB Kyle Orton is charged with giving the Broncs a last chance at victory with 6-7 deficit. Through some stupid miracle of God, Orton's 20 yard pass attempt to Brandon Marshall was tipped by some Bengals defenders. Ball batted, down big play over, right? That was when the tip in the air ended up in the hands of Marshall's teammate Brandon Stokely, who took advantage of a sleeping secondary and proceeded to go another 60 yards to the house. And all the while, CBS' sure-fire fetishist Gus Johnson made a big spooge of the whole situation, and in typical Gus Johnson-style, yelled and screamed and made a big play bigger than it is.

I've always thought Gus Johnson was a jackass (the video above provided as sufficient evidence). I bet his co-workers at CBS Sports berate him quietly for his borderlining nerdish calls on par with a kid calling play-by-play in his own living room (guilty!). There's also more evidence in Johnson's work as the announcer for EliteXC on Showtime (Kimbo Slice-Seth Petruzelli, the prime example.)

Again, expect a whole bunch of jackassery from Gussy J.

White Weathermen Kinda Sorta Can Rap

I'm kinda amused by this video from the TV station I used to work at in Texas. I have not met morning weatherman Nick Kosir for Fox-affiliate KBTV in Beaumont, TX. But I can only imagine if he had to rap battle a whole bunch of thugged-up dudes in inner-city Detroit. So Nick keeps it funky fresh for morning TV viewers, talking the forecast in pre-written rap. Best part: "Today will be so hot, you'll be sweating your heiny." Yes, heiny is now in the rap vocabulary. *Rolls eyes.* Kudos, though, to Nick and my former co-workers for shaking off the stiltedness of TV news. If only they could do that as a follow up to the Nightly News...or maybe do it on the Nightly News. Katie Couric autotunes the news already. [Uncle Barky]