I am exactly one whole day older than Ashley Tisdale.
I actually have nothing of point to say to that except that it makes me feel like I'm close to her already.
Anyways, Tisdale is one of those chicks I knew would be important enough to get my (balls') attention. And if being on The Suite Life with Zack and Cody weren't enough to grab my attention (because, apparently, that's all I watched during college), she shook her lil' ass around with the High School Musical folk.
Speaking of hot lil' pieces of girly mess shaking their asses, Ashley danced circles around an Obama-impersonator on some Spanish show or something. Don't ask me. I wish Ashley danced on my pelvis. Seriously, like stomping on my nuts and shit.
(You can tell how horny I've been in today's posts. Good Lord, I shouldn't be blogging right now.)
This "thing" will show off her boobs, butt, and bush. Yay?
In news that shouldn't surprise you, Heidi Montag-Pratt-Belzebub will pose nekkid for Playboy, so says People Magazine. (I swear, it has to irk magazine publications to do stories on other magazine publications. Hell, it's funny too because I learned this story from Entertainment Weekly.)
[The Reality TV star] will pose for the September issue of Playboy...Montag has yet to shoot her photos for the magazine. [EW.com]
I first read about this earlier this morning at 2 a.m. and I started to wonder "how would hate sex be with this chick?" I mean, I would hate sex this chick into warp speed. I mean, imagine parts of the bed falling off, headboard and all. I can also see myself holding her head down with my foot while in the chicken-winged position. OK, too graphic. But my God, do I wanna beat this chick down with my penis.
Anyways, I have not been one to watch The Hills. In fact, I hope in a quick instance that MTV cease exist from all history, public record, and memory. It's just the whore parade that Heidi and Spencer represent that irks me. Same goes with Lindsay Lohan. And the Jon and Kate people. And with Jennifer Aniston. And former Secretary of State Madeline Albright. And Sarah Palin or her daughter (the 14-year-old one that Letterman almost implied about raping or the 18-year-old one who got knocked up and is now a living, breathing testament to abstinence).
Plus, there's rumors over how much Heidi would get paid for the spread. I read somewhere that it would be six-figures. Shit, I would show my balls on live television for a sandwich and a fluffing.
Congratulations, Heidi. Here's hoping that we cross paths and that I may bury your head in a pillow while I make you bleed from friction burn.
Peter North says "Don't look at me. Maybe it was one of these broads."
Just like any junky to a thin needle, an unnamed porn actress, who more than likely takes the "flesh" needle, tested positive for HIV, a San Fernando Valley clinic reported. This, for sure, is putting the Southern California pornography industry, which produces those mainstream pictures you and I see, such as "The Cockfather" and "Black Dicks in White Chicks," in high alert. This is the first such positive testing in the business since 2004. Of course, between then and now, everything's been peachy, what with the safe gay sex and safe ass-to-mouth pictures that Brandon Iron and the guys at Bang Brothers pop out, not to cynically put those movies down.
The 2004 case involving a male porn actor crippled the industry shtting down productions for four weeks. With this latest infection, I'm sure we won't be jerkin' it for a while to in-production projects such as "Dirty Dick Downers 3" or "Daddy Spank Me There 11."
There's also word that at least 16 HIV cases went unpublicized.
In all, 16 men and 5 women who worked as adult film industry performers contracted HIV between 2004 and 2008, according to Los Angeles County Department of Public Health data requested by The Times. [LA Times]
So let this be a reminder to you barely legal teen starlets who want to break in to porno with dreams of becoming a legitimate actress. When you have sex with dudes like Rocco Sifredi, Nacho Vidal, or Seymour Butts, just imagine the HIV, chlymidia, or whatever bacteria just eating the inside of your snatch. Then, see who really wins.
The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated. I actually hate this week. What with all the reports of David Carradine's autoerotica asphyxiation and all this talk about Heidi and Spencer getting tortured. I'm at the point where I'm not giving two fecal nuggets about anything. And in all honesty, I'm waiting on that $50 million lottery ticket to wind up in my hands. Damn you ball-breaking government and your restrictions on online gambling. That shit was my meal ticket.
Anyways, for someone like me who has to actually work for a living rather than bat my eyelashes at air conditioning repairmen who inexplicably work in the family business, I shall stay humble, roll up my pant legs, and be the good writing monkey that I am. (Damn, am I rambling or am I putting my personal shit out there.)
Here's a summary of thoughts I've had for the past two days:
-I'm incredibly broke (not a good thing to admit)
-I'm incredibly lethargic (another thing to omit)
-I'm incredibly attracted to girly-girls (while, admittedly, turning into one myself. Whoops.)
-And I'm at the point where I want the next NBA season to begin.
Where the fuck am I going at with all this?
I guess I was hoping for another Network-style kinda verbal outbreak. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it! At least I'm getting paid rather ridiculously for an incredibly lazy job. (Now I'm just towing the line on things I shouldn't say.)
If there was any part of The Hangover that you might have missed but you knew that you laughed so hard about, it was Ed Helms' Stu singing "Stu's Song (What Do Tigers Dream Of)". Not only did it underscore the goal of the whole movie, it also displayed the insanity of the story. And this could possibly be the best musical movie highlight of the year, well at least says Entertainment Weekly.
Fat Jesus, the bully from those movies, and Andy from The Office.
Don't get me wrong. The first impressions I had of The Hangover were generally the after-viewing impressions of What Happens in Vegas, which, like any Ashton Kutcher-Cameron Diaz movie, I found to be insufferable. Of course, if the beaten-to-death statement "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" holds true, then that concept is embodied to an extreme degree with this Todd Phillips-directed comedy.
I actually was expecting some kind of dark comedy, what with the serious concept of losing your best friend for whom he has a bachelor party made in his honor in Vegas for. But it was a fun movie, in the same vein that Steven Soderberg's Ocean's 11 was fun. The fun part in this movie was the sleuthing Bradley Cooper, Zach Galafinakis, and Ed Helms do in trying to find their lost groom after a serious night of drinking the town under the table. Note: Jaeger laced with roofies may not be a good idea two days before a wedding, but do what you will. It's not my life you're fucking up.
Anyways, the boys encounter some improbable twists and turns in this "retracing your steps" gone wild flick. From discovering you just stole a police car to discovering you just married a hooker/stripper who has a baby, the guys seem genuinely surprised to discover their drunken misdeeds. And all three main characters proudly got to shine in this feature. It's great to see Ed Helms step outside his Andy character from The Office and be the fish out of water character. Zach Galafianakis continues his quest to be the weirdest, funniest man that should be more widely known. I expected nothing more or less from the dude. And it's refreshing to see Bradley Cooper be the dependable, concerned friend who still has a mission in mind to find his best friend.
After watching 89 minutes of twisty turny types of humor, you will defintely get a payoff in what I considered the best closing credits in cinematic history.
Random notes: Ken Jeong never ceases to amaze me. No matter how caricaturized a character he plays, he knows how to deliver comically. Watch for him as the Asian man trapped in the trunk. Heather Graham never ceases to disappoint me. She, like her other roles, was good in this movie only for decoration. You know, more in the line of a desk lamp. Mike Tyson's appearance was underwhelming in this movie but he did provide a selling point in the movie's trailers. So kudos to that, I guess. And, I bet you didn't know this but remember the Jew-fro guy who was "here for the gangbang" in Old School. Well, that's Todd Phillips and he makes another Jew-fro appearance in this movie. Just thought you should know.
Here's the Restricted Trailer, which essentially ruins the movie for you. Have a nice day!
Eb-Bon-Knee and Eye-Verrr-Reee...Come together in perfect har-mo-knee.
The Lakers are clutch when they need to be.It's a foregone conclusion to see Kobe take over a game especially in big showcase matchups. Kobe erupted for an NBA Finals Career High (how many people can claim that?) of 40 in Game 1 against Orlando on Thursday. But despite his team high 29 points, it was a true team effort that kept L.A. from falling behind against the Magic in Game 2. The Lakers take a 2-0 lead with a 101-96 overtime win. In other Laker-related foregone conclusions, Kobe is more than likely to get away with sleeping with your girlfriend. He can just say I'm Kobe Bryant. Then, panties drop. I'm just sayin'.
That's the look of someone breaking their French virginity.
When Rafael Nadal got bounced from the French Open, it was Roger Federer's tournament to win and nobody else's. It's been a foregone conclusion in the past to see 22-year-old Spaniard Nadal dominate the field on clay at the French Open. They should have just renamed the whole tournament after him. And time after time, Mr. Swiss Miss himself RoFed has fallen victim to Nadal. He's good on grass. He's good on the hard court. He just can't seem to get a handle of the red clay. But Sunday was his time to capture that elusive French Open title, against the guy who beat Nadal, of all people. RoFed won in straight sets to capture his career grand slam (U.S., Australian, Wimbledon, the others) and his record tying 14th Grand Slam title. Good job, ace! Now, we can stop paying attention to tennis for a while. That's if Maria Sharapova and Anna Kournikova release a hot lesbian sex tape tomorrow. Reel me in for that one!
I knew you doubted him. Now, he will make you his bitch.
Tiger Woods is a sick, sick man. There is no golfer in the world that can match what Tiger is doing. He shot a shitty 75 on Saturday at the Memorial in Ohio. Then, he turned it around from 4 strokes behind the lead and took the outright win. I believe I was in awe during his four stroke comeback in April at the Arnold Palmer Invitational. Believe this: this is Tiger's fifth win after coming back from four or more strokes behind the lead. Do not sleep on Tiger. Do not ever sleep on this dude. If Tiger can do the impossible, then I believe I will be able to sleep with a hot blonde, big boobed 20-year-old who likes it in the poop shooter. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!!
