Heidi to Do Playboy

This "thing" will show off her boobs, butt, and bush. Yay?

In news that shouldn't surprise you, Heidi Montag-Pratt-Belzebub will pose nekkid for Playboy, so says People Magazine. (I swear, it has to irk magazine publications to do stories on other magazine publications. Hell, it's funny too because I learned this story from Entertainment Weekly.)

[The Reality TV star] will pose for the September issue of Playboy...Montag has yet to shoot her photos for the magazine. [EW.com]

I first read about this earlier this morning at 2 a.m. and I started to wonder "how would hate sex be with this chick?" I mean, I would hate sex this chick into warp speed. I mean, imagine parts of the bed falling off, headboard and all. I can also see myself holding her head down with my foot while in the chicken-winged position. OK, too graphic. But my God, do I wanna beat this chick down with my penis.

Anyways, I have not been one to watch The Hills. In fact, I hope in a quick instance that MTV cease exist from all history, public record, and memory. It's just the whore parade that Heidi and Spencer represent that irks me. Same goes with Lindsay Lohan. And the Jon and Kate people. And with Jennifer Aniston. And former Secretary of State Madeline Albright. And Sarah Palin or her daughter (the 14-year-old one that Letterman almost implied about raping or the 18-year-old one who got knocked up and is now a living, breathing testament to abstinence).

Plus, there's rumors over how much Heidi would get paid for the spread. I read somewhere that it would be six-figures. Shit, I would show my balls on live television for a sandwich and a fluffing.

Congratulations, Heidi. Here's hoping that we cross paths and that I may bury your head in a pillow while I make you bleed from friction burn.

Somehow, I Believe Lil' Wayne

We played Thomas the Tank Engine. She told me to put my train in her tunnel.

Playboy Magazine, which is the only periodical I read ONLY for the articles, will publish an interview with Lil' Wayne. In it, Weezy F. Baby talks about the moment he lost his virginity. It's something so far fetched and so unbelievable that for someone of Wayne's stature, I actually believe. It just makes me wonder if I could have gotten more play from those good ol' games of Sorry! and Operation with the neighborhood girl next door.

Should I repost this? This is like kiddie porn. I didn't do anything, so no harm done:

I was 11 and the girl was 13. She had every board game you could imagine. I liked board games. We was playing Win Lose or Draw and on the board she wrote, “F*ck me.” Now I was 11, and I didn’t even know it meant “intercourse.” I just knew it was a cuss word, so I was like, “Why is she cussing herself out?” She said, “Do you want to play ‘Press Your Luck’? Well, the game is in my closet.” She had a walk-in closet, so she said, “Go get it, it’s right to the right….” When I walk to the closet she came in and cut the lights off and took off my pants, and I remember my ass was cold up against the wall. I was like, “What the hell!?” When I tried to push her off me, I felt that she was naked also, so I just stepped back and let her do what she do. [Best Week Ever/Dlisted]

Hm. Lil' Wayne father a child at 14. Shit. At 11 to 14, my only concern was if I could get that science diorama the correct way it should be. My thoughts were never on playing Uno and then putting my uno in the dos. All power to the dopest rapper in the game right now. If only I could find that girl to "let her do what she do."