Um. Ew.

Shia not shy about his mama.

To my rusty trusty knowledge, I do not believe I have made a post mentioning Shia LaBeouf. To me, he's become a surprise as far as who's active in the Hollywood, celebrity consciousness. I mean, come on, the dude was on Even Stevens as late as six years ago playing, to what I thought, was a teen with very skewed developmental issues. Of course, that's what Disney told him to do: "act your craziest and times that by 100."

Anyways, the Hollywood machine has been good to Shia, who went from bit parts in Constantine, Holes, and Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle to top-billing in Disturbia, Indiana Jones 4, and Transformers. This all leads to his current tabloid/celebrity status. (BTW, remember the sister in Even Stevens. Her name is Christy Carlson Romano. I thought she would have the bigger career after the show. Still F'able, though.)

Oh, look, Shia thinks his mom is sexy naked:

“Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother,” he says. “She’s an ethereal angel. Nobody looks like that woman. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren’t my mother, as sick as that sounds.”

According to the interview, which Star magazine says it obtained, while the “Transformers” star was growing up, his mother often liked to walk around the house naked, even when young LaBeouf’s young friends were over.

[FilmDrunk via FoxSnooze]

I'm all for heartwarming complements directed at the woman who carried you inside her and let you slide down her gooey trap. That's fine and all. But social taboos are social taboos. And Shia LaBeouf alleged admitted to a social taboo. This would be fine if his mom was 22, blonde, had shapely D-cup boobs, non-elastic skin, and would actually let me have ice cream after dinner. Um, did I admit to a social taboo as well? You might as well equate sex with your mom with going back home for a family reunion. You're there for a while, you love what's going on, then you realize why you hate it there. Then, you start despising yourself for going.

Add Dom Deluise to the List...

Girthy yet exuberant. 1933-2009.

...of people that Jerry Lewis has outlived. Despite his weight, despite the stupid looking white hat he's been associated to, despite sounding like he's cornholed 25 dudes in one night, Dom Deluise was a cool actor. The man who's made a living on Mel Brooks movies (because, face it, when you buy a copy of Robin Hood: Men in Tights or History of the World, you can't help but feel that the purchase was well worth it) died in his sleep, of all things, at the age 75.

And the thing about Dom was, as one other blogger pointed out, he could say things that weren't ordinarily funny and make them downright ridiculously hilarious. His actions were just the icing on the proverbial cake of his laugh-fest. And afterwards, I can imagine, he'd pig out on that same cake. I've said all of that without making a crack about his weight. But then, again, looking at him, you couldn't say you didn't see his passing coming. With that said, I'm still waiting to make obituary columns on John Goodman (how the hell is he not dead yet?), Paul Prudhomme (who is that cajun chef who could be Dom's fatter, higher cholesteral evil twin brother), and Horatio Sanz (he's fat, not funnt, and I don't like him...simple enough).

The good folks at FilmDrunk dug up a sample of clips from his illustrious work:

Cocaine Goes Digital, Still Highly Addictive

And coming soon to the iPhone: the heroin app.

I've vowed not to get an iPhone in its current incarnation. I mean, despite the cool features and apps you can download, my thumbs are simply too fat to type on the screen, and, of course, fat nerds like me have to get the texting and the typing and whatnot with relative ease.

But despite that, I think this iSnort app that I came across maybe the least productive yet most downloadable app you could get. It's cocaine that's less harmful for you. LESS harmful. All you need are a credit card and a rolled-up dollar bill. And soon enough, you're Tony Montana with a mountain of blow on your desk.

A demonstration, please:

At least, it's not as lame as this app. This legitamizes the "how can you keep an idiot busy" question.

Wolverine Whacks-Off Wondrous Walrus Waltz (A Review)

Adult swim.

Um. X-Men Origins: Wolverine felt like your basic summer movie fodder. Action was emphasized. Special visual effects were emphasized. Actors bringing life to comic book characters with special powers were emphasized. Hugh Jackman's rugged, muscular exterior was definitely emphasized. Yet, the movie makers forgot to bring storytelling and effective dialogue along with them.

There was nothing really breaking the glass ceiling with this feature, which I saw over the weekend. (Yes, I was one of the bastards that bought into the $10.50 fare at the local megaplex.) All it did was emphasize why comic book movies are needed in this period of economic follie. A sure fire blockbuster is needed to guarantee box office sales and legitimize the movie industry. Whatever works for you, guys. But it becomes extra tough for the young, up-and-coming movie writers and screen directors to push little known, seemingly unpromising work to the consciousness of the Hollywood executive machine. (I have to stop politicizing my posts. I'm becoming less and less cynical....Your mother's a whore. Hehehe.)

Anyways, the performances were on par with how they were expected through the movie. We had our old, decrepate asshole government colonel who wanted to push his agenda and manipulate the main characters. However dry this was done, it was done just right. And we had archnemeses fighting each other and putting motivation and emotion into it (Hugh Jackman and Liev Schreiber's performances. Bravo, fellas.) We had Van Wilder becoming a badass again in the movie, a freakin' Black Eyed Pea, that dude from Lost and Smokin' Aces, that other guy from Lost and The Lord of the Rings, and we have Ms. Lynn Collins.

Run away with me, I said with the fact known that she's married to that guy who made things on fire in that Sky High movie.

Now, you're probably not familiar with Ms. Collins, who played the "persuasive" mutant and Wolverine's love interest Kayla Silverfox (silverfox, indeed. Rawrrr). She's from Texas (check). She's played super hotness female seductress before (check). And she's a ringer for another hot brunette Emily Blunt. (check) She's married, though, to a dude who I'm older than and is seven years her senior. (dammit!) Anyways, I didn't know who she was either before seeing the movie. That was until this pic from Allure Magazine surfaced into my consciousness and into my "whack it" collage.

Oh, yeah, what was I talking about? Wolverine was mediocre at best and did not live up to the already lofty expectations set by The Dark Knight and Iron Man. But to be fair, The Dark Knight was a psychological thriller more than a comic book movie. And Iron Man was a vehicle for Robert Downey, Jr.

Pacquiao is Good For My People and Other Weekend Shenanigans

Cold-blooded.

I hated during the latter part of last week how boxing analysts from ESPN...to, well, just ESPN gave Manny Pacquiao no chances to win this fight against Ricky Hatton. Of course, those analysts did say Pacquiao was a dangerous fighter and, at oftentimes, could be streaky in his punches. I don't know what the hell the latter meant but, bottom line, Manny knocked the hyped-up Brit by the time the second round came to a close. [Video of knock out punch here.] Yes, a 2nd round TKO, which is way different than a "love TKO." (*Five dollars to the person who can comment to me the reference about the "love TKO" without research*)

Anyways, Manny did a whole island nation proud. Lord knows how many bottles of San Miguel were popping and flowing on Saturday night. And for that matter, I wonder how many dogs were cooked and eaten for celebration. Pac-Man is your new Junior Welterweight Champion of the World. Eat. It. Bitches.

In other news that I have to get my filthy, hairy hands on, the Bulls gave up the ghost and their first round series with Celtics. (I did call them shits, right?) And boy, my Sunday afternoon TV viewing options have just been thrown out of whack. Wizards of Waverly Place. West Side Story. Wizards. West Side. Wizards. West Side. How can I choose?

True story, I once watched West Side Story before and I remembered mocking the dance scenes in the movie. You know, high kicks and all that homer-sexual stuff. I eventually smacked my barefoot in the corner of a sharp counter and gashed open my foot. By the way, I have never seen some lightfooted Puerto Ricans get down and dirty. And the rumble scene has to be single-handedly the most preposterious thing of all time. But still I watch!

Ok, at this point, I post a video related to this post. I was trying to look for this Saturday Night Live sketch online featuring Norm MacDonald in a "reimagining" of WSS. Couldn't find. You'll have to settle with an equally funny clip with Will Ferrell attempting to sing "Maria" on The Late Show.

Ferrell Sings "West Side Story" on Letterman from Will Ferrell

Levi, You Bastard. You're Gonna Jinx It!

Answer: "Live long and prosper." Question: What will Chuck not do in its episodic run because its star had blind optimism?

I've been gushing for months over NBC's spy comedy Chuck. It's a unique show with equal wit and action that is unlike anything else on TV right now. Seriously, I like this show. Maybe it's because of the nerd motif that repeats itself over and over in the show. Plus, it doesn't hurt to have someone as sexy/beautiful as Yvonne Strahovski. [booty shots here]

But after a season full of character and plot advancement, there comes the proposition of renewing a sleeper hit. It's a hit, just nobody's watching. You know, like how Arrested Development was or how Heroes is, although I hate Heroes and everytime somebody looks at me, they go "You look like that Asian dude on that one show. Show me that time travel, shit-taking face!" The show has a lot going against it as far as finding a place in the NBC sked, namely Medium, the treasure trove of NBC sleeper hit comedies, the freakin' Law and Order shows, and muthaf*ckin' Jay Leno. Plus, the network has new future failures to pick up.

It kinda irks me too to hear that Chuck himself, Zachary Levi, "feels optimistic" about the show's chances of renewal. I'm a firm believer of not getting your hopes up. Get way too far up in the atmosphere expecting anything and expect reality, instead, to kick you side the head. Maybe, that's why I remain "un-laid" for all this long. That's for another blog, though.

EW.com:

"I think the chances are good that we'll come back," he said at last night's Star Trek premiere.

There's other stuff in the article including Levi's drive to have Chuck fans buy $5 footlong sandwiches at Subway, which is the show's main sponsor.

Who knows what happens to this show come Monday when the '09-'10 fall lineup is announced? And I was a little bummed about the finale because apparently Chuck knows "kung-fu" like The Matrix and we're going to get a different dynamic on the show next season if it gets to that point. Plus, we didn't get to see that girl-on-girl scene we were promised between Yvonne and Chuck's on-screen sis, Sarah Lancaster. Darnit.

Like the show or not, though, I think you'll like this clip:

Frylock Sings Autotune, Shawty!

You can thank this man for the robot melodies you will hear on your next Aqua Teen tweeking adventure.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force on Adult Swim is a niche show for a segmented niche audience, meaning not everyone will get what's happening and it caters to a small amount of people. In fact, if you're not a habitual acid-laced, purple-leaf chronic smoker, then this show will not make sense to you. Try watching the show clear-eyed and sober. The best you'll do as far as understanding this show is failed impressions of Meatwad and Carl the neighbor.

With that said, Tallahassee Pain, a.k.a. T-Pain, will appear as Frylock in a live-action episode of the show. Hm. It's somewhat fitting, though, because the guy who voices Frylock is black and they got the closest person is black and could look like a french fry box given the right clothes. Pain is virtually a robot singer with his crazy autotune, which essentially turns the worst of singers into opera versions of the Lost in Space robot. And if his robotic vocals aren't enough, he looks like the ringmaster of a circus for poor, disadvantaged, inner-city youths. He also, apparently, is a fan of the fast food mystery solvers. (They haven't solved a mystery in five seasons.)

Entertainment Weekly "exclusively" posted news of the Aqua Teen ep, which includes a stranger looking Master Shake, a close to perfect replica of Carl the neighbor, and Meatwad as a big red rubber exercise ball. (WTF?)

I thought this was stange news considering T-Pain makes Lil' Jon look like he's on Ritalin. Anyways, here's an added bonus. T-Pain and Justin Timberlake, who is not in the live action Aqua Teen, at least to my knowledge, together in a hot song:

Here's an added, added bonus. An introduction to Aqua Teen in the worst possible way, and that is "Hand Banana Rape":