23 Makes 0-2 Turn Into 1-1

Ok. I'm convinced.

I remembered in the not so distant past that I essentially short-changed the impact of LeBron James. I disposed the man known as "King" as nothing but a high school basketball player with nothing but hype. Because, of course, we've seen how Kwame Brown has affected the NBA. This was in 2003 when LeBron was set to become the number one pick of the Cleveland Cavaliers

Let's flash forward to 2009. LeBron is in the best position of his career to make his Cavs a legitmate NBA title winner. And before Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Championship series with the Orlando Magic, he never faced losing in these playoffs. A blown 14-point lead cost the Cavs game 1. And it looked like on Friday that a blown 23-point lead might sink the Lake Erie kids a little further deep in the series with a Game 2 loss. Down two with one second left, the Cavs had to make the most of their little time to inbound the ball and get a good look at a shot. Enter LeBron James and his trip to the top of the key.

The rest is just lore now for the NBA:

What a Weak End

The Rockets lose. SNL with Will Ferrell was underwhelming. And John Mayer scores with 12 chicks in night. How?

Induce vomiting...now. This weekend just proved to cap off the chocolate starfish week that it was. Aside from being stood up for a playdate, twice, I was offered a grand tour of what the inside of my apartment looked like for the unteenth time. And worst of all, I was nowhere near drunk in this whole process. The positives I can see, though, is that I'm in line to get a bigger place soon so I guess I can passout in a nicer environment after a night of Slippery Nipples and Fuzzy Navels. Yes, let's get drunk off wine coolers.

As far as what people apart from myself did this weekend, the Lakers got their way finally throwing away my Rockets like a Mexican made condom. The Lake Show, like a good porn starlet who likes to take it in the bum, reamed and blew out Houston's anal cavity, 89-70, to advance to the Western Conference Finals. As a parting shot to the Lakers, I hope Kobe Bryant and Phil Jackson give each other crabs.

Saturday Night Live became intriguing to me when I found out the last two episodes of the season were going to be hosted by Justin Timberlake and Will Ferrell. I knew JT would turn in a great perfromance in his stint. So I expected the same from the SNL alum. But aside from the expected Jeopardy parody, which included the usual ream out from Sean Connery and surprise appearances by Tom Hanks and Turd Ferguson aka Burt Reynolds aka Norm MacDonald, I was underwhelmed by this ep. It was kinda like SNL blowing a wasted load with guest appearance after guest appearance. Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph returned, and guests like Anne Hathaway and Paul Rudd made appearances. I guess expected more from this show but, then again, the show is much like the father that ran out on you when you were 11. He said he was going to play catch with me but he decided to play catch with his "other son." I hate you, DAD! I hate you!

Here's the Jeopardy clip:

Finally, John Mayer worked his magic in Beverly Hills this weekend. He came out of a club with his shirt covered in lipstick stains. He also began to go dance fever on all of our asses. Jackassery and douchebaggery all at work. [TMZ has the video.] How does this guy with all this doucheyness stay likable? Maybe it's because he's famous and he can. That's not a good answer. John Mayer, I will never get you. You wore this short sailors shorts and you have no problem with that. You date Jennifer Aniston and you drop her like Britney dropped her child. I don't know where you end and begin. Gah! The frustrating mysteries of life!

Game 7, Please

The little engine that could. Toot. Toot.

Apparently, the Rockets were the only team that made the trip to Houston for Game Six Thursday. The baby Rockets caught the L.A. Lakers napping Thursday night when they busted out of the gate with an outstanding scoring 1st quarter and held the great and powerful Kobe Bryant to 11-of-27 shooting. All of this happened two nights after the Lakers did the same to the Rockets, winning by 40. The result, just like Game 4 of this Western Conference Semifinal series, was a 95-80 shalacking of the Lake Show and a Game 7 on Sunday.

God, I love it! It's just like 1995 again except we have absolutely no star power on the roster. Plus, I started a strange thing called puberty back then. Now, I have to shave everywhere. You can't bunch up your taint bush, fellas.

Anyways, Aaron Brooks continues to be a scoring beast. The 26th pick overall in 2007 NBA Draft dropped 26 points. Luis Scola, who should have been on the All-Star team this past February, popped L.A. for 24, including the first 10 points of the game.

And all of this is significant because I love the Rockets and hate the Lakers. This makes my lower regions all warm and cuddly inside.

Oh, yeah, Orlando forced a Game 7, as well, against the great and powerful Celtics. If it weren't for that Big Baby Davis muthaf....

Phil Jackson, Your Veiled Anguish Sustains Me

"Zen Master" my ass.

I've held off on commenting on this very juicy Western Conference Second Round series between my beloved Houston Rockets and the Lakers. It's not going to be a memorable series like the Bulls-Celtics first round matchup but we have had several plot points that make this contest juicier than a rare porterhouse (bad analogy). And by that I mean, fights, fights, broken feet, and more fights.

With Yao Ming chalked out of the rest of the playoffs, the remaining Rockets that aren't 7 foot Chinamen or named Tracy McGrady picked up the slack for Game 4, beating the Lakers 99-87. The win was propelled by 6 foot point guard Aaron Brooks' career high 32. (Oregon Duck, eh? Who knew.) At one point, the Rox led by as many as 29 points. Kobe was held to only 15 points.

How did this make Lakers coach and foremost advocate of dating the boss' daughter Phil Jackson feel? Well, let's just say ESPN will be working on a 15-second delay next time.

You just can't "give them credit" and spout out an expletive and expect it to look fine. Phil was clearly pissed and demoralized by this. And, for some twisted reason other than I'm from Houston and I bleed Rockets red, I'm all too amused for it.

Pacquiao is Good For My People and Other Weekend Shenanigans

Cold-blooded.

I hated during the latter part of last week how boxing analysts from ESPN...to, well, just ESPN gave Manny Pacquiao no chances to win this fight against Ricky Hatton. Of course, those analysts did say Pacquiao was a dangerous fighter and, at oftentimes, could be streaky in his punches. I don't know what the hell the latter meant but, bottom line, Manny knocked the hyped-up Brit by the time the second round came to a close. [Video of knock out punch here.] Yes, a 2nd round TKO, which is way different than a "love TKO." (*Five dollars to the person who can comment to me the reference about the "love TKO" without research*)

Anyways, Manny did a whole island nation proud. Lord knows how many bottles of San Miguel were popping and flowing on Saturday night. And for that matter, I wonder how many dogs were cooked and eaten for celebration. Pac-Man is your new Junior Welterweight Champion of the World. Eat. It. Bitches.

In other news that I have to get my filthy, hairy hands on, the Bulls gave up the ghost and their first round series with Celtics. (I did call them shits, right?) And boy, my Sunday afternoon TV viewing options have just been thrown out of whack. Wizards of Waverly Place. West Side Story. Wizards. West Side. Wizards. West Side. How can I choose?

True story, I once watched West Side Story before and I remembered mocking the dance scenes in the movie. You know, high kicks and all that homer-sexual stuff. I eventually smacked my barefoot in the corner of a sharp counter and gashed open my foot. By the way, I have never seen some lightfooted Puerto Ricans get down and dirty. And the rumble scene has to be single-handedly the most preposterious thing of all time. But still I watch!

Ok, at this point, I post a video related to this post. I was trying to look for this Saturday Night Live sketch online featuring Norm MacDonald in a "reimagining" of WSS. Couldn't find. You'll have to settle with an equally funny clip with Will Ferrell attempting to sing "Maria" on The Late Show.

Ferrell Sings "West Side Story" on Letterman from Will Ferrell

Playoff Fever: More Contagious Than Herp...Er...Swine Flu

C*M ON MY FACE!

The NBA. Where last second madness erections happen.

Granted, I've kept up with most of the games in the NBA playoffs through drunken WAP browsing...or sparing TV watching...at bars...drunk. But still, who would have thought that four games in a seven game series would go into extra frames? In a 2-7 matchup, no less?

In my pre-playoffs post (yes, I used alliteration), I dismissed the Baby Bulls due to inexperience and, well, because the Celtics have star power. In fact, Paul Pierce and Jesus Shuttlesworth, er, Ray Allen have more experience in the playoffs in the tip of their penii than the whole Chicago team. But so far in the series, the Bulls have proven that they got charismatic balls. Who knew? Joakim Noah. Brad Miller. Ben Gordon. Derrick Rose. John freakin' Salmons?! They are like the naive but very willing girlfriend that doesn't know how to go down on a guy but is trying so hard that you're left with an unfulfilled but pleasurable mess. Alright, bad analogy.

But still, if you don't know what I'm talking about, six games in this series so far. Four of them have gone to at least one overtime. I think, five of them were decided by less than 4 points. And surprisingly, the Bulls have the Celtics on the ropes. I will be watching the deciding Game 7 somewhere very drunk and very debaucherous, wearing my Ben Gordon jersey. I want this underdog to start barkin'.

In other playoff contagiousness, it took dudes who aren't named Tracy McGrady to get my beloved Rockets past the first round. Actually, it took a very naive, young ball club in the Portland Trail Blazers to lay down for my Houston squad. But, by God, we made it, and now, we get the right to have Kobe, Trevor Ariza, and Pau Gasol wipe our nappy faces up and down the floor. DAMMIT!

Still, it feels good. Like first time in 12 years good, which is the length of time between now and the very next time, I believe, a woman will let me stick my penis inside of her. **Dejected "Wah Wah" Sound**

The Other Basketball Tournament I Care About

The Cavs? WTF?

Just like any NBA game, the NBA regular season focuses on only the beginning and end. Who cares if Allen Iverson got traded to Detroit, is coming off the bench, and is bitching about that too? Who cares if Kobe is distracting people with his great play while he covertly cheats on his wife with this year's hot crop of 19-year-old white chicks? And who knew that a kid from Akron, Ohio could lead his hometown NBA team to a possible run at the Larry O'Brien Trophy? Who knew?

In about eight excruciating weeks, we will know which best Eastern and Western Conference teams will take each other on for the weirdest but acceptable trophy in pro sports: the NBA World Championship.

No time to bore you on who's in. 16 teams are eligible, legally, to go for that run. And after all of that, four rounds of basketball is needed for one team to win it all. Cue the John Tesh, NBA on NBC theme. Roundball, playoff-style is back!

Now I bore you with who's in:

Western Conference

(1) LA Lakers vs. (8) Utah Jazz

Ah, yes. LA is back in a familiar place. Last year was supposed to be the year Kobe shut his nay-sayers up with a single-handed storming of the NBA Playoffs. I bet he would give his right testicle to get back Game Four of last year's NBA Finals.

Utah is going in the opposite direction. Once feared in the West, the Jazz (the team, not the music...the music still has no business in Mormon-land) are losers of seven of the last nine. Momentum, huh? Maybe, it was a good time for the Rox to play them in the first round (I'll get to my beloved team later).

(2) Denver vs. (7) New Orleans

Denver is simply rejuvenated thanks to the Chauncey Billups-cancerous brain tumor, er, I mean, Allen Iverson trade. The Nuggs will enjoy playoff position as they take on the Hornets.

The Bayou Bugs were the talk of the playoffs last year, nearly taking out San Antonio in the Second Round. This time around, their playoff positioning has many thinking this could be a one-and-done situation. Who knows how Chris Paul's midseason injury will affect N.O. in the playoffs.

(3) San Antonio vs. (6) Dallas

Take the drive up and down I-35 and you'll get the AAC and the AT&T. Ok, you're not so privy to short hand but, yeah, it's the homes to the Mavs and the Spurs. If you said this was the 2005 season, then I would have given you the Mavs, easy, despite the fact that the Spurs won that year. But the Mavs aren't so mighty this year (they were eliminated by the out-of-nowhere Hornets last year). Just stop yourself, though, before the ink dries for the Spurs on your bracket. The Spurs will play workmanlike, playoff basketball. This is when they're most effective. I like the Spurs, even without Manu.

(4) Portland vs. (5) Houston

The Blazers are back in the playoffs after a six season hiatus. They got Brandon Roy. If you haven't seen him play, see him play.

But that's all the compliments I'm giving them. If the Rox stand to pass the first round, it's in this capacity with Yao in the middle, Artest busting heads, a very underrated Shane Battier providing defensive support, and a lights-out shooting touch like Luis Scola's. They need to play the capable yet weak team to perfection here. Yet it's times like these that I wish this team had a real point guard.

Eastern Conference

(1) Cleveland vs. (8) Detroit

No fifth straight season to the East Finals for Detroit. If the Pistons are to put some Knickerbocker-eighth seeded magic back in, they'll have to take their heads out of their asses and play like this is their last year in the Palace.

With that said, Lebron. Mo Williams. Both too much for Motor City this year. LeBron will eventually get a redemption chance at winning the World Championship this year.

(2) Boston vs. (7) Chicago

Boston will more than likely be without Kevin Garnett, leaving the onus of the inside game to Tony Battie, er, I mean, Glen Davis, I mean, Brian Scallabrine (does he still play there?) I have no idea how Boston will thrive past the first round with out KG. But they had to see this coming. The C's had to play without KG. Look for Paul Pierce to spark the Celts against the Baby Bulls (sorry, Chi-town, but I give you no chance...but not as much as a chance the Celts have getting out of the East finals, at the most.)

(3) Magic vs. (6) Philadelphia

Philadelphia should keep it close. They did, after all, put Detroit on the ropes as the 7 seed last year. The Magic still have an intimidating presence in the middle in the form of 23-year-old Dwight Howard. DH is a beast, everybody, and the Sixers are too undersized to bust the lane for easy scores against Dwight Howard. Watch the Magic advance here and give Boston a scare in the second round.

(4) Atlanta vs. (5) Miami

If this doesn't say late '90s NBA nostalgia. Remember back in the day when it was Stacey Augmon and the Hawks against Alonzo Mourning and the Heat back in '96? Was that just a scenario I remembered when playing NBA Hangtime on my Sega Genesis? Hm. Anyways, the lineups are different this time around. The Hawks are a deep basketball club. Josh Smith. Joe Johnson. Al Horford. They have weapons. The Heat have Dwyane Wade. Shawn Marion, a strong second weapon, I guess. I see the Hawks redeeming themselves this first round. They had the momentum last year to win against the Celts as the number eight.