Vulcans are Horny Bastards (A 'Star Trek' Review)

Now that's my kind of Vulcan mind meld. [Thanks, Great Architect!]

Reboot. And we got a good movie again. Just a mere five days after dedicating to the turd bomb that was the Wolverine movie, I took in the unheardof Thursday premiere of J.J. Abrams' Star Trek. What I thought I was going to expect was high octane action with jittery camera movement, young actors panicking, and a monster tearing up New York. (I swear, if those pretentious Cloverfield f*ckers just stood in one place, they wouldn't have had such an insurmountable body count.) And, in a way, yes, we got all of that in a special, neatly wrapped package. But Abrams' Trek, being a prequel and all to the campy "O.G."/Shatner Star Trek, was a success in telling an independent story of drama, mild comedy, and intrigue while paying tribute to the nerds/Trekkies that enjoy the series. Oh, yeah, the visual effects were cleaner than any space oddysey up to this movie. In all, it wasn't half bad.

I never claimed to be a Trekkie or a Jedi in the eternal struggle between two highly evolved but greatly contrived space adventure franchises. For goodness' sakes, these stories were MADE UP! But if you go to great lengths to create a universe in which the Hulk could play a conflicted Romulun on a revenge mission and one of the hillbilly hitmen in Smokin' Aces could turn around and, dare I say, improve the suave debonair character of Capt. James T. Kirk, then you're bound to turn in a rather decent series prequel. Did I mention Sylar from Heroes did a good job playing Spock? His Spock was the one we came to know and appreciate over the span of the original movies. He too was conflicted in his own logical order to choose humanity with emotion or rationale with reasoning. It's a performance like Zachary Quinto's that makes me wonder what I'm missing on Heroes, despite all my Chuck worshipping. The part that did it for me was when Spock and **SPOILER** Uhura kept sharing kisses, and, as a Vulcan, he could only stand there to take those kisses of consolation and relief from Zoe Saldana, who did Uhura justice after those years of the series just having her idly standby on the bridge in the old series.

Winona Ryder as Spock's human momma was a pleasant surprise. (What? No ping-pong trick?) The fact that Spock's father found loving his wife as "logical" was heartwarming. It also confirmed the fact that despite appearances and the voidness of emotion, Vulcans love to make out and make babies. This leads me to Jolene Blalock. Remember her as the Vulcan Commander T'Pol in Star Trek: Enterprise. No? Here's a refresher. Remember her now? Vulcans. Horny people, right?

The Trekkies, or at least the ones in the theatre I was watching the movie in, appreciated the throwback to the old corny phrases. If Karl Urban's "Bones"McCoy shat out the quotables he had, I swore he had diarrhea. "Dammit! I'm a doctor, not a physicist!" "Are you out of your Vulcan mind?!" Hm. These are phrases only the segmented superfan of the Trek would get a hard on and/or get wet to.

Oh, yeah, there was a hot green woman in the movie, which is an obvious throwback to Shatner's Kirk romancing verde flesh. Hot. This brings me to the next diversion in this rhetoric: watch Space Nuts. Legitimate movie? Yes, if you treat pornos like any other big screen feature, and I know you do. There's a blue naked chick getting "deep space nined" in that movie. Hot.

A.D.D. ramblings: Charlie Bartlett made a solid outing as Chekov, that poor Russian bastard. Put Simon Pegg in anything and he'll make it 50 times less crappier than it should be. Pegg's Scottie takes the cake. Leonard Nimoy's role was fitting, yet I couldn't get the thought of his Futrama cameo out of my head as he talked. My God, they fed him like a fish in that series! Green boobies. Hot. Can I admit this? I almost cried during Kirk's father's death at the beginning. Damn you, J.J. Abrams, for your dramatic pull-the-sound from perilous death approach to movie making! Apparently, Iowa has a space station in the future. WTF?

In summary, Star Trek is by far the movie of the summer. We are only a week into the whole summer movie season, right? Yeah, that's right THE MOVIE OF THE SUMMER. That's, of course, when Terminator Salvation, Up, The Hangover, Land of the The Lost, Year One, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs, Bruno, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Funny People, and Inglourious Basterds come out. We have a long summer.

F*ck! These Guys are Awesome!

Beer pong physics...and straight-out sickery...at its best.

My Working Titles for this Post: "Beer Pong: Where REALLY Amazing Happens," "Two Boys and a Cup," "That's a Whole Lotta Balls," and "I Think I Just Creamed My Pants."

But I chose the title at top because these guys are impossible, impossibly sick with their beer pong shots. I do not claim to be easily amazed, which kinda says to me that I've been awfully serious lately. (**Attempts to pull brick out of ass**) But, by God, these guys couldn't have had a better, thought out video to make than this one. Of course, these guys being college students probably didn't do their homework and have no ambition at all besides beer pong.

Still, kudos. And who said slackers can't be amazing?

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

iPanties. iHorny.

Finally, an iPhone app I can get behind.

The other day, I posted a story on the iPhone and how I've sworn to not buy one in its currently incarnation. Maybe now, I can make some "bones" to get one. Get it, bones? Oh, yeah, I haven't explained the "nuts" and bolts of this post. I'm so smart. Ha.

So, the iPhone includes a touch screen feature to unlock the screen lock on the phone. "Slide to unlock" is that feature. Self-explanatory, right? So, some one was ingenious, and apparently perverted, enough to add that same concept to panties, as you can see in the picture above, which was cleverly dubbed iPanties.

Yes, you can believe I have imagined all the possible double entendres, crazy euphemisms, and implicated situations I can make with these undies. For example, "do I use my finger or my whole hand to unlock it?" is one. And "my mouth has to be next to the 'receiver,' right?" is a lame but considered phrase. Either way, I think this is the hottest yet geekiest thing I've seen this week next to the hot chicks in Star Trek clothing. You know, the ones in the light blue shirts always die. Trekkies live!

[Walyou]

How to Make Natalie Portman Uncomfortable

Ohh. I get it. Their in between "two ferns." Gotcha.

Zach Galifianakis is some kind of strange. Yet, you know he can deliver comically. That's why me and everybody else fell asleep when he had his short-lived late night show on VH1 seven years ago.

So, he's found a rebirth in the form of his celebrity talk series, Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis, which is featured on FunnyorDie.com. Four interviews have been posted so far since it started a year ago with Michael Cera as the guest.

Today, Natalie Portman sat down with Zach G.

This shit reminds me of my college days when I acted like the 18-year-old naive television prodigy and I would write mock TV shows that included words like "effective" and "vermisilitude." Other than that, the common thread among all these eps is how Zach quietly offends the guest while making them so uncomfortable that they don't know what their next move is. But I think it's all a fix. The guests are actors, for crying out loud. If they were told to eat shit and make it believable, they would ask back, "What kind of consistency does it have? Liquid squirts, maybe?"

[Editor's Note: The Natalie Portman interview embed is acting rather Corky-like. The link is here. Here's the Michael Cera interview, though.]

Comic Book Movie Rumors Alive!

Seven. Minute. Abs!

Whoever came up with the idea to use comic books as a movie industry business model must have been one big wanker. It just seems if you think up of an obscure or rarely used comic book character, we can make a movie about that mutant and/or superhero. Out of this, we got Blade, Iron Man, Hulk, Ghost Rider, The Punisher, Spawn. I'm definitely not undervaluing the reach of these characters as far as fandom is concerned but what will be made next? A Black Vulcan movie with Todd Bridges in the lead? How about an "origins" flick on Solomon Grundy? No. No Super Friends movie either? God, you're no fun.

Speaking of wankers, the big wigs at Fox and Warners might have their guys for their respective comic book projects. Essentially, Fox wants to make a Wolverine spin-off with Ryan Reynolds' chracter Deadpool as the main character, according to Variety, and Warners apparently added Bradley Cooper (you know, that guy in those movies you always see but can't identify...shit, IDK) to the big pool of candidates for that Green Lantern wank-fest, according to Hitfix. (I'm really tired and hungover. I've tuned out of this post entirely.)

Bottom line is, if I hear once more how Deadpool wasn't emphasized in the Wolverine movie, I'm going to get knifes and forks of my own, tie them around my hands, and start going to town on every woman and child I see walking down the street. Or expose myself. Whichever seems more traumatic. Yes, the drapes match my pubes.

Kathie Lee 'Celebrates' Cinco De Mayo

Pinata + Kathie Lee Gifford + Stick = The release of 15 years of pent up emotion

Kathy Lee es muy loco!

So I'm forced, somewhat, to watch part of the fourth hour of The Today Show, or as I like to call it, Elasticity Hour, at work every day. But something caught my eye this particular fake Mexican Independence Day. In fire-breathing style, the former half of the Live with Regis & Kathie Lee show did some damage on a pinata, you know, as part of the diversity shown by NBC Universal. [No usable embeds. TMZ has the video.]

The best part about this was that you could see the pain Mrs. Gifford carried over the last decade-plus come out in this short instance of televised mock-violence. Let's count it up: Her husband cheats. She gets passed over on her own nationally-acclaimed morning talk show. She finds no work. And the only work she can find is to slap on a fake smile next to a news nobody every weekday on the lowest-rated hour of a nationally televised morning show on the fourth place TV network. Gifford's getting old too. This is her interpretive way of beating aging to death...through a donkey-molded pinata.

Moral: don't f*ck with Kathie Lee Gifford. She'll cut ju', mang!

Words Hurt, and, Apparently, Pictures Do Too

Why do I have a feeling a reality show is in her future?

I'm pretty sure Miss California, Carrie Prejean, did not want all this attention aimed at her. In fact, I think if she actually won Miss America, she would be an afterthought and gratified with becoming the guest of honor at the New Jersey State Boat Show.

But, alas, the woman who has gained all this exposure out of thin air for making a gay pageant judge and blogger mad just for saying how she felt, rather bitingly, is still making waves. (Although, I respect the "free expression," I am in now way wanting to defend her. She's a bonehead.) And, to what I believe is the peak of her "fifteen minutes," new pictures of her topless and in nothing but underwear made internets today. TheDirty.com has six of these pictures, which are rather tame from first glance but, to what I understand, get progressively risque.

My beef with Ms. Prejean and with every other celebrity just like Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian is that these people gain the fame they have for something rather mundane or trivial, and, at times, selfish. Shouldn't people that have made a lasting and fundamental offering to society get the limelight? Ms. Prejean just said what was on her mind at an ill-advised time. Then, she got famous for getting in a fight with Perez Hilton...and for allegedly getting breast implants from the California pageant committee...and for showing her ta-tas on picture, which apparently were taken after she got the new boobs. Not really things I would get behind a person for.

Bad liberal media. Bad, bad,liberal media. Stop making people who aren't deserving of the public's love celebrities.