Marry Me.

"Daddy, where's that hot dog going?"

I'm totally speechless with this vid from Break.com. Several observations before we get into the prowess of this young lady here. This was apparently taken at a convention or car show or gun show or what have you. The young woman has braces and I don't think those could stop her from doing what she's going to do. Also, despite the braces, I don't think that could signify her youth. I put her at 20 maybe. May I be struck down if she's 16 in this vid. And, as a verile young man, I'm making a hella big fuss about this. But, by God, if she can make what she does well. I think she has the cure for cancer, too.

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500 Days of Garden State Miss Sunshine Starring Jim from the Office and Donatella Versace

Please don't make this douchey.

I've toed the line of my movie taste. I've challenged myself to stay with one thing or another. Mainstream or independent. I mean, I loved Garden State as much as the next drug-addled, young, wide-eyed, angsty 20-something, but I felt that movies like that seemed more visually contrived, like someone tried almost too hard to make you "feel." Then again, I enjoyed the more mainstream, shoot 'em up, take you down thriller action movie that sometimes fall short of movie making expectations. Both give you too much of something and leave out any focus on another element of the movie, which brings me to the conclusion that no movie will be complete except for porn action movies. Sex, dialogue, action, more "action". Hot.

With that said, enter Away We Go, the next indie road trip movie in the same vein of Little Miss Sunshine. John Krasinski follows up the mild turd bomb that was Licensed to Wed with this film. And, oh, look, Maya Rudolph is our slightly older version of Juno McGuff. (It's about freaking time for Rudolph's acting chops to be recognized. Playing Donatella Versace can only do so much for your career.) They go cross-country for understanding and where they should settle while the couple's spawn grows inside the very insecure Rudolph (the character she plays, not Maya Rudolph herself). And, look, Kate Winslet's husband directs. But enough about him, let's fantasize about Kate herself. Hot.

By the way, Maya Rudolph, the daughter of singer Minnie Riperton (you know, loving you is easy cause you're beautiful...?) and already a mother of one child, is expecting another kid. Thought you should know that. Trailer!

Presenting the 'Jam' of Summer '09

Spencer's the ape man. Heidi's the cheap blonde floozy. Both have recorded songs. I weep for mankind.
This is the post where the first traces of my hypocrisy surfaces, as if clues weren't left in my Facebook, MySpace, or BlogSpot accounts (ZOMG!).

But, my God, if today wasn't a good day to smile and cry on the inside at the same time.

America's foremost media manwhore, Spencer Pratt, dropped his first rap single, yo! And it's totally phat, G! Like low ridin' in your Porshe 2010 drop top, homey! Like word to yo mutha', home skillet!

The Spence addressed the hatahs hatin' on his thirst to be exposed to the media limelight. He also countered the naysayers by saying he makes "mad cheddar" and that people hate him because the "media loves me." Thus, my hypocrisy. I would never in my right mind want to bring more attention to this undeserving douchebag and his utterly aborted attempts at a world outside fake reality acting. But, the man's gotta feed himself and his plastic wife. See, he's just like me except if he's gotta eat it's like smoked dodo bird with a side of bald eagle and for me it's $1 McDoubles.

Hustlah's gotta stick togethah, yo!

Is it Possible to Be Sexually Molested by a 30-Second Commercial?

Spokesperson or convicted child rapist?

This furniture store commercial out of Cleveland, Ohio apparently has made the rounds on the internets and it has become viral enough to warrant its own Wikipedia page.

Cut to the chase: the commercial is a piece of sh*t. And if it weren't enough that a costomed frog and a bandit with bush hedgers are featured in the piece of sh*t (because calling it a commercial is an insult to the Creative Services people I work with), then the voice of the spokesperson, Marc Brown, just sends shivers to your back. I mean, I feel like I've just been tricked to go with him in an empty ally and show him how "steers and queers" do it. Icky. Yuck.

See that. Now, my innocence is lost.

[Hot Clicks via Warming Glow]

Phil Jackson, Your Veiled Anguish Sustains Me

"Zen Master" my ass.

I've held off on commenting on this very juicy Western Conference Second Round series between my beloved Houston Rockets and the Lakers. It's not going to be a memorable series like the Bulls-Celtics first round matchup but we have had several plot points that make this contest juicier than a rare porterhouse (bad analogy). And by that I mean, fights, fights, broken feet, and more fights.

With Yao Ming chalked out of the rest of the playoffs, the remaining Rockets that aren't 7 foot Chinamen or named Tracy McGrady picked up the slack for Game 4, beating the Lakers 99-87. The win was propelled by 6 foot point guard Aaron Brooks' career high 32. (Oregon Duck, eh? Who knew.) At one point, the Rox led by as many as 29 points. Kobe was held to only 15 points.

How did this make Lakers coach and foremost advocate of dating the boss' daughter Phil Jackson feel? Well, let's just say ESPN will be working on a 15-second delay next time.

You just can't "give them credit" and spout out an expletive and expect it to look fine. Phil was clearly pissed and demoralized by this. And, for some twisted reason other than I'm from Houston and I bleed Rockets red, I'm all too amused for it.

Justin Timberlake is a Motherf--ker

Color me badd.

There are plenty of guilty pleasures we hide underneath the surface and if those "pleasures" were to rise above the surface, you sho' have lots of 'splainin' to do. It was fitting to combine three guilty pleasures all in one evening: Justin Timberlake, watching Saturday Night Live, and f--king mothers (other mothers, not your own).

Timberlake and nerdcore rap extraordinaire Andy Samburg got rid of their gift-wrapped dick boxes and went with this raunchy yet understandable ode to doing each other's mother. And it totally worked, dammit.

SNL works for entertainers like Timberlake. He has charisma and acting and comedic chops. And he goes up there with the recurring hosts that you know can make an instant impact on the show (i.e. Steve Martin, Alec Baldwin).

Timberlake also linked up with Jimmy Fallon (douche) to collaborate on The Barry Gibb Talk Show, which is still a favorite [guilty pleasure] of mine.

Trouser Snake Timberlake's SNL appearance vids:

Philip Seymour Hoffman 'Sharted'

Crank yankers.

So after viewing the euphoria that was Star Trek, I spent the rest of my waking/sleeping hours viewing College Humor's special "All-Nighter," which is an annual event night when its staff poops out a short video throughout the night in order to keep from touching themselves.

Point taken, the staffers at CH went with this rather caricature-type sketch in which three fat, bespectacled gentlemen creep out the only girl in the CH offices. To prepare for this one and a half minute spectacular, watch the Philip Seymour Hoffman trifecta: Boogie Nights, Mission Impossible 3, and Doubt. You will be throughly creeped. Extra bonus viewing: Along Came Polly and his world famous "shart" scene.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.