The Cooter

The Porn Industry Ran Out of Ideas

2009-11-21T03:50:00.000-08:00

Let's leave it to porno to help us jerk off to hilarity.

Earlier this year, I pointed out the production of the Scrubs porn parody and how it made me gag and nag at the fact that one of my favorite shows on television is getting such a dubious treatment. Of course, during the course of the year, I said screw it and let's see the JD parody have a three-way with the Elliot parody and Todd parody. (Really, sex can't be that rampant in a hospital.) I thought they would stop short of just Scrubs, Keeping Up with the Kardashians (bad idea for a parody, BTW), and The Office, which looked to be a tough thing to parody what with making Dwight F-able and turning Michael Scott into a big boobed blonde. (Kudos to that casting coup. Bravo!) But now we got more of that same parody stuff coming (notice, no attempt at double entendre there).

Here are the shows being parodied. Keep in mind, all are SFW. But if you can't wait longer, you can pop in your DVDs of 30 Rock and imagine Tina Fey's Liz Lemon getting poled (there, an, albeit, poor attempt at double entendre):

Scrubs: XXX Parody

Aside from all the sex, are there HPA rules on intercourse all over a hospital. Geez, seriously.

30 Rock: XXX Parody

I'd like to point out that all the characters have their names blatantly changed, because, of course, lawsuits galore. Still, you got to love how the black porn actor tries poorly at matching the comedic insanity of Tracy Morgan. I'm a black robot muthafucka.

Seinfeld: XXX Parody

Of course, this one caught my eye for the worst parody of the bunch. Then again, when you have the "Porn Nazi," all bets are off. Eh. At least the hair department did a good job with the Elaine haircut and then keeping it on the actress' head during those, ahem, movable parts.

Friends: XXX Parody

Rachelle? Freebie? Moanica?! Of course, watch out for the big Russ and Rachelle love scene. They're always breaking up and getting back together a lot. Those kids.

That '70's Show: XXX Parody

It has everything you loved about the TV series and as an extra bonus, there's no Ashton Kutcher. Sidebar: I never liked Laura Prepon as an actress and I still don't. She's like nails on a chalkboard.

Entourage: XXX Parody

Well, with the sex in the actual show, isn't the parody already in the show? Funny how they make a parody within the parody. Those kids.

The X Files: XXX Parody

And when you thought Gillian Anderson wasn't any more F-able... Still, this is dubbed a "Dark XXX Parody." Isn't that reserved for the porn parodies of The Cosby Show or Good Times or The Jeffersons?

Am I Too Late to This Roman Polanski is a Jackass Gathering?

2009-09-30T00:15:00.000-07:00

It's hard to look this pensive while having a near bloodlust for pre-teen poon.

It took Swizerland of all governments in the world to nab acclaimed motion picture director and foremost ~~alleged~~ child molestor Roman Polanski after 31 years on the run. Irony here, of course, is that the Swiss are pussies and pole-sitters and neutral and stuff and they get the opportunity to nab Polanski to win brownie points with America.

Anyways, the truth remains that Mr. Polanski ~~allegedly~~ did a bad thing in the eyes of the American courts. And he, like the Swiss, pussied out on facing his alleged crimes of playing cup the balls for two seconds with a teen. It's perhaps permissible in Europe but, of course, next thing you know you're running for your life all over Europe to allude authorities. Why all this time to get this guy, though? The Swiss?! The freakin' Swiss?! Really?!

If only Polanski's punishment can fit the crime. Next thing you know he's getting his butthole bleached by a hard roughnect inside the clank by the name of Catfish Killah. He's here to put his big worm on Polanski's lips. Oscar direct your way out of that, Roman!

Duck and Cover...for a Mushroom Cloud of Cuteness

2009-09-17T11:56:00.000-07:00

View more news videos at: http://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/video.

If being a three-year-old girl who threw away a foul ball her dad caught and then being consoled on live TV was enough, here's more proof that you can't go wrong doing that. NBC Philadelphia caught up with Emily Monforto, the adorable little girl who "dropped the bah."

Why am I posting this? Maybe it's the amound of valium in my system. Or that I watched five hours of Playhouse Disney because I can't find my remote and the last thing I watched before turning the TV off was Hannah Montana. Awkward...

Chris Crocker Worships Kanye

2009-09-14T11:26:00.000-07:00

Oh, Lord. I'm getting caught up in some incident that shouldn't be fussed up about. My feeling is that Kanye pulled a dick move on Taylor Swift and, by extension, Beyonce for simply declaring that "Single Ladies," which is JUST a music video, was the best of all time. (I guess art is subjective all the time.) Anyways, I'm thinking back to this incident and the Janet Jackson-Super Bowl incident. Kanye did not cuss. Kanye didn't whip out his penis. Kanye did not even kill Taylor Swift on stage. He simply spoke his dangerous mind. Janet Jackson flashed her titty for just 2-seconds and it caused a six-figure fine and changed how live events would be shown for the long run. What I'm just going to say is to chill out people. Taylor is going to live and be stronger from this. We now know that Beyonce, despite being the big superstar she is, could be the classiest celebrity out there now, and she sure doesn't need Kanye to tell people that. I've been envisioning prime time news show exclusive interviews with Kanye West or Taylor Swift. 60 Minutes or 20/20 or Dateline or the Today Show will blow this out and promote the hell out of it. What makes Kanye tick? on the next 60 Minutes. All of this can only hurt Kanye at the moment. Defenders and detractors be damned, Kanye has long been notorious for this type of business and I think it's all gone down to fatigue from the general public. In fact, I don't think the public in general knows Kanye's songs apart from Kanye's base genre listeners. They definitely know who Taylor Swift is though. This could be Kanye's Waterloo. (How about the timing also. Kanye, Jay-Z, and Rihanna are scheduled to perform on the first Jay Leno Show.)

And with that, I give you above internet half-celebrity/hermaphrodite Chris Crocker's say in the whole Kanye thing, complete with juggaboo salt shaker. Enjoy!

What a Fish Dick

2009-09-13T21:29:00.000-07:00

MTV Shows

I guess we were over due for Kanye's next award show interruption and outburst, but it came Sunday night at the apparently still relevant MTV Video Music Awards in NYC.

Taylor Swift, 19, white, blonde, and absolutely adorable, accepted her award for Best Female Video, and she didn't even get out two complete thoughts before Kanye crashed the acceptance speech, grabbed the mic from Swift, and proclaimed that Beyonce's "Single Ladies" video was essentially better than Swift's video and the "best of all-time."

Priceless reactions: Beyonce in total mortification, Taylor Swift in delight terror, and the Radio City Music Hall in total disatisfaction of Kanye's act.

I've been aware of Kanye's douchebaggery for a long time but GD if he doesn't make some good records. Still, Mr. West's act is getting tired now and it wouldn't be a surprise if someone muzzled this fool. Then again, he provides that controversy and attention and apparently any publicity, good or bad, is still publicity. And it's due to that, he holds the argument that if you don't have him on anywhere then you suffer.

Also, Kanye essentially told a Taylor Swift, who has seen her own share of success, in front of her face and in front of the world that she's not worthy of a skyrocketing career like Beyonce's or his own. I guess there's no beating any graciousness into him.

Here's a hidden gem from Kanye's douchebaggery past. This time it's at the European Music Awards 2007. Go get 'em, Mr. West.

As for the rest of the show, host Russell Brand did no better than last year's showing. And the production of the show just was messy. Doesn't matter. MTV does not exist to me.

UPDATE: I have a new found respect for Beyonce Knowles. Kudos to you to give Taylor her stolen moment.

What the Hell is Wrong with Gus Johnson?

2009-09-13T13:08:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhh! I love this time of year. Week 1 of the NFL season. No matter what, it is considered a national holiday. In fact, each and every Sunday is a national holiday during the NFL season. Of course, we're not short on the amount of storylines going into this season. Can't list them all right now, but I'll just say I really hate the Broncos with a passion, almost as musch as I hate mayonaise.

So I flip it to the last seconds of the Broncos-Bengals game today and makeshift starting QB Kyle Orton is charged with giving the Broncs a last chance at victory with 6-7 deficit. Through some stupid miracle of God, Orton's 20 yard pass attempt to Brandon Marshall was tipped by some Bengals defenders. Ball batted, down big play over, right? That was when the tip in the air ended up in the hands of Marshall's teammate Brandon Stokely, who took advantage of a sleeping secondary and proceeded to go another 60 yards to the house. And all the while, CBS' sure-fire fetishist Gus Johnson made a big spooge of the whole situation, and in typical Gus Johnson-style, yelled and screamed and made a big play bigger than it is.

I've always thought Gus Johnson was a jackass (the video above provided as sufficient evidence). I bet his co-workers at CBS Sports berate him quietly for his borderlining nerdish calls on par with a kid calling play-by-play in his own living room (guilty!). There's also more evidence in Johnson's work as the announcer for EliteXC on Showtime (Kimbo Slice-Seth Petruzelli, the prime example.)

Again, expect a whole bunch of jackassery from Gussy J.

White Weathermen Kinda Sorta Can Rap

2009-09-12T08:36:00.000-07:00

I'm kinda amused by this video from the TV station I used to work at in Texas. I have not met morning weatherman Nick Kosir for Fox-affiliate KBTV in Beaumont, TX. But I can only imagine if he had to rap battle a whole bunch of thugged-up dudes in inner-city Detroit. So Nick keeps it funky fresh for morning TV viewers, talking the forecast in pre-written rap. Best part: "Today will be so hot, you'll be sweating your heiny." Yes, heiny is now in the rap vocabulary. *Rolls eyes.* Kudos, though, to Nick and my former co-workers for shaking off the stiltedness of TV news. If only they could do that as a follow up to the Nightly News...or maybe do it on the Nightly News. Katie Couric autotunes the news already. [Uncle Barky]

Cue That Inspirational R. Kelly Music

2009-09-11T23:11:00.000-07:00

Despite the hall of fame, Michael Jordan is still held accountable for that piece of sh*t movie.

OK. We get it. You were and are good at basketball. Michael Jordan headlined the 2009 class of Basketball Hall of Fame inductees this week. Other people included the all-time assists leader John Stockton, who Jordan repeatedly made his bitch, Stockton's coach with Utah, Jerry Sloan, David Robinson, who's really freaking tall, and C. Vivian Stringer, who, let's face it, coached a team dubbed by Don Imus as [Editor's deletion, sorry, I'm not racist...yet].

Anyways, Michael Jordan made me love Michael Jordan merchandise. I don't know about the man himself, although that's pretty sad some Serbian bastard gunned down his pops. But Jordan is a merchandising icon. Who would have known that some kid from North Carolina would blow up to be the best basketball player in the world at only 6 feet 5 inches. Who would have known also that that same guy blew millions in gambling and soiled celluloid with Space Jam. Jordan the athlete=greatness. Jordan the actor=jackassery.

Congrats, John Stockton!

Is Shawne Merriman Gonna Have to Choke a Bitch?

2009-09-07T15:04:00.000-07:00

Gizmo and Mr. T. A match made in heaven.

Oh, Shawne Merriman. Oh, oh, oh, Tila Tequila.

*Shakes head*

So Merriman was arrested over the weekend, accused of choking his girlfriend, Ms. Tequila, who apparently is still bisexual. I should not add creedance to this story because it appears to be a domestic spat between two consenting adults and whatever crazy frivolities went down in their million dollar house. But it is Tila Tequila and Shawne Merriman. Merriman has proven his mettle as one of the best defensive players in football, yet has constantly clashed with management over outside-the-field issues. And Tila Tequila got famous for adding sparkly text on her MySpace page.

Whatever. I love how this has white trash written all over it except, oops, it's exactly not.

As an added bonus, here's Gizmo from Gremlins rapping. Who knew?

Awesome Question Mark

2009-09-04T14:45:00.000-07:00

On an otherwise ordinary day...

Beer pong. Dude in a chair on the roof. Can't really describe it all than that. I'm lazy. It's Friday.

Bam.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

What Punch? I Was Paying Attention to Those God-Awful Unis

2009-09-04T14:32:00.000-07:00

Maaaaybe he had it coming.

LeGarrette Blount, tailback for the University of Oregon Ducks, might need some major counseling, from an anger management expert and a legal consult. Blount delivered a sucker punch to Boise State player Byron Hout following the Broncos' beatdown of the Ducks on Thursday night.

All the replays show a sick punch from Blount to the un-helmeted Byron. And later, Blount is restrained by Oregon trainers and coaches as he was taunted some more by Boise State fans. Blount offered a profuse apology after all of the mishigoss went down. And apparently, that apology was all for naught as he was suspended for the rest of the season by the University.

I don't know. I wasn't really paying attention to it all. All I could pay attention to was that horrid blue turf Boise State still uses and those God-awful uniforms the Ducks players are still subjected to strewn at every game. Nike, you suck. That and I'm trying to get this blog recognized on the Morning Buzz segment of Sportscenter. How 'bout it, dammit?!

The sucker punch:

Excuse Me If I Get a Little Verklempt

2009-09-01T21:31:00.000-07:00

So I stumbled upon this little commercial by Real Rhapsody hocking the new Blueprint 3 record by Jay-Z. I thought it was special how they recreated every album cover that the Jigga Man made over his career. Now his new album will have some queer skyscraper-made-of-musical-instruments bullshit and three red lines overlay thing. It's obviously a departure from that hoodman rich kind of album covers we're accustomed of from him.

Nonetheless, I loved the commercial because it took me back in that drug-induced time machine that I call life. I remembered buying each and every album in the video. It was quite teary-eyed for me.

Anyways, enough gay shit. I got myself talking like I'm Gangstalicious.

DJ AM Spinning in the Afterlife Now

2009-08-28T17:15:00.001-07:00

1973-2009

First, what the hell do I know about DJ AM? No offense to him, his memory, and all of his accomplishments, but I do not know what made him who he is besides his job of spinning records at big parties held by celebutantes and whatnot. But of course, we can always point back at the horrific plane crash he and drummer Travis Barker miraculously survived. So, no, I'm not so sad about DJ AM himself but rather sad about the fraility of life that followed AM. It's prophetic because of the circumstances around his death.

So Adam Goldstein, AM's real name, died only a year after enduring severe burns in the South Carolina plane crash. TMZ says prescription pills were found around AM's body when he was found dead in a NYC apartment.

All I know about AM is he was friends with Paris Hilton, used to date Nicole Richie and Mandy Moore, and was on that damn episode of Entourage in which he takes a pair of stupid ass graffiti'd Nikes from Turtle.

I don't know. It sucks that another person has died, albeit someone who got moderately famous for being famous, then notorized for surviving something he should have died in. But look at it this way. He's now spinning records in the afterlife behind a Michael Jackson performance in a nightclub that includes Billy Mays, Natasha Richardson, Les Paul, Ed McMahon, Karl Malden, Edward Kennedy, and Charo. Charo's dead right?

Gag Reflex

2009-08-26T14:41:00.000-07:00

Or more like the lack of it. Hardee har har! This new restricted clip is from the new slasher flick Sorority Row. Despite the main cast being five alright looking chicks and Rumer Willis (have you seen her nose?!), the movie appears to be rehashing all of those slasher flicks of the past, especially the contemporaries (i.e. I Know What You Did Last Summer, Scream, Chocolat). But this clip was rather interesting. It had Margo Harshmann, which you may remember from a little show on Disney Channel called Even Stevens. It also had her forcefully inhaling a bottle. No, this is not a fetish sex clip. But it was an interesting way to write a death scene. Enjoy!

Ay Carumba! Es Fisticuffs a Basketbol!

2009-08-25T15:42:00.000-07:00

Apparently, fighting on the basketball court is universal. B-ballers can talk smack and shit like this can go down. I'm not ashamed at all. I just love how the Mexican and Uruguyan (?) basketball players playing under FIBA rules just go at it. Spanish be damned! Pinches all over the court. AY AYAYAYAYAYA! RRRRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Hoe-Wielding Woman Protects Her Ho

2009-08-25T13:17:00.000-07:00

In brief, two "underage" girls were arrested for stripping at an exotic dance bar or what have you. News crews in the Orlando market get wind of it and start looking for relatives of one of the girls, which is poor by standard procedure when something as juicy as this is brought up. News crew finds woman supposedly related to one of the girls. Woman apparently has a gardening tool handy to confront news crew. Roll credits. Somebody see the irony of underage strippers and a woman wielding a hoe? Anybody?

Dan Harris is a Jackass

2009-08-19T13:08:00.000-07:00

ABC News correspondent Dan Harris is the man to see for the hard hitting, accurate journalism we look for in this era of modern information-sharing. If any part of that statement is true, then may I be pummeled and slashed with razor blades by 80 fat topless women. That's right. No fat topless women with razor blades here.

So Harris provided that brand of hard hitting interviewing when he sat down with Entourage guest star Jamie-Lynn Sigler, who plays herself playing another chick playing a girlfriend of the second least attractive member of the Vince crew, shlubby Turtle. Sigler also dates the guy who plays shlubby Turtle, Jerry Ferrera. And like the hard hitting, fact checking journalist that he is, Harris asks Sigler, to the effect of "do you think hot girls like you will date fat jackasses like Turtle?" And from there, awkwardness and uncomfortability ensues.

If that wasn't enough, Harris provides commentary on the interview knowing he didn't know that Sigler and Ferrera are dating. Bottom line, Harris and ABC are jackasses for thinking they can get the hip, Hollywood stories and knowing them all without research. No sarcastic remark here. I just want to take pride and self-satisfication in seeing Harris squearm when he finds out the truth. Toodles!

This Had a Lot of Potential...

2009-08-18T12:44:00.000-07:00

That Miss Teen USA chick and that chick from 90210. No, the OTHER chick from 90210.

The possibilities are endless when you are presented a single image of two naked women and the lone dude behind the camera, of whom is also naked. Then, you're let down because the situation of two naked women, one of them your wife, the other some random chick you happen to know, and you, yourself, naked does not equate to sex on camera, which pretty much eliminates the purpose of having a camera on when all parties involved are in their birthday suits.

Alas, you have the situation involving Grey's Anatomy actor Eric Dane and his wife Rebecca Gayheart, who hasn't been on a good project since, I don't know, Jawbreaker? And the former Miss Teen USA and admitted sex addict Kari Anne Paniche. All of whom appeared naked in a 12-minute video leaked online today. (You know what else leaks online? R. Kelly. Sick son of a bitch.) As with anything as sensitive and revealing as this (see Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Greene), publicists for the involved parties (listen to me, I'm all into this legalese shit) say it was nothing other than "concensual" nakedness on camera and "no sex" was made. Although, you might have to admit, sex has been made in all of this, and if that's so, Rebecca Gayheart is probably one cool chick to involve Miss Teen USA in a three-way with her husband.

Bottom line, this "concensual" video looked like a sex tape, smelled like a sex tape, and even tasted like a sex tape. In all the sleaziness in my body, I'm very dissappointed when this wasn't a sex tape. How am I able to "pull the chain" with a tape of Rebecca Gayheart and Miss Teen USA just being naked without the fornication?

[Editor's Note: Ew. I don't do that. I do that only with established pros. Click, Open, Video file of Boner Jams '03]

Girl-On-Girl Brutality

2009-08-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

I'm open to girl fights all the time. Nothing says all-American when two women who disagree with something so trivial as talking about each other behind each other's back or not being there for each other when they should have been. I don't know, that's what girls argue about, right? I am working that stereotype, right?

Anyways, I made that whole prologue to point out that a women's MMA match main evented a MMA card for the first time in history. And it pitted my darling Gina Carano and some woman named Cyborg. Needless to say, as I called it in a previous post, my Gina-bear got beaten to the canvas just as hard as a Van Gogh painting. Cyborg relentlessly pounded the technically-sound Carano in the first round with the ref calling the fight 1 second before the first round bell.

Despite all the hoopla, I think this beats the hell out of the classic girl-on-girl matchups. Venus vs. Serena. Seles vs. Graf. Kramer vs. Kramer. Maybe not so much Kramer vs. Kramer but how many girlfights have there been?

Hopefully my Gina-bear recovers from this. I'll get you ice and a nice heat pack for you, baby.

Josh Hamilton Lapsed

2009-08-08T18:12:00.001-07:00

[Deadspin] You do body shots on girls, not on yourself! Silly.

Noted recovering alcholic and tatted up Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton apparently lapsed sobriety...and apparently had fun doing it. There shouldn't be a big deal about this but when a home run derby champ is flaunted on ESPN as someone who overcame "a sickness" then this is big news.

But then again, he is getting licked. Damn you, Hamilton. Maybe I need to become an alcoholic, say I've become sober, and then relapse...maybe that's how you get all the womens.

ESPN has the story. Deadspin has the pics. Enjoy!

BTW, none of the chicks in the pics is his wife. And so, the athlete stereotype continues.

John Hughes Died

2009-08-06T15:32:00.000-07:00

'80's movies is gangsta. 1950-2009

Believe me. The loss of John Hughes is pretty sad for me. Despite me goo-goo ga-ga-ing the rest of the '80s, I was fully aware of Mr. Hughes' impact on cinema. He kept the angsty '80's teen happy with the "this is so me" type of stories. Sixteen Candles. The Breakfast Club. Pretty in Pink. Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Planes Trains & Automobiles. Ok, maybe not so much Planes Trains as far as teen angst is concerned, but all are very relevent and all have had their funny moments.

Of course, you can be free to ignore his '90's works Home Alone, Baby's Day Out, Flubber, Home Alone 3?! But then again, why would you? He knew what he was doing for a whole decade and that kind of story writing and decision-making makes him kinda cool in my book.

So without further ado, here's what YouTube is showing for John Hughes' Ferris Bueller's Day Off:

Cramedy: A 'Funny People' Review

2009-08-02T23:54:00.000-07:00

Parity is the greatest form of flatulence.

What can you expect from a Judd Apatow-written and directed movie? Disenchantment. Check. Laughs. Check. Crude jokes about nuts and balls and dicks. Check. Meaningful lessons to make the viewer all the richer for having experienced it. Ah. Eh?

Funny People was two hours and 20 minutes of creating a microcosm of fame and the Hollywood lifestyle -- the attempt at it and living it -- and trying to make it human through the main characters all too real diagnosis of a life-ending disease. But then again, it was exactly everything described above with Adam Sandler playing a famous schlub lying in his own piss, metaphorically speaking, of course. Sandler's character, George Simmons, is basically a parity of Sandler's own career. Simmons, a Jewish comedian, grows up from the humble beginnings of stand-up comedy and finagled his way into the Hollywood film machine to make panderous types of entertainment flub that the general brain-dead population enjoys (i.e. Sandler's movies like The Wedding Singer and Click). Still, he has a natural knack for wit, which there are no shortages of in this movie. So Simmons, who lives in opulance because of his big box office career, recieves news that he has a debilitating disease that would most likely kill him. At this point of the movie, and, by extension, in life, news like this would become heavy for one to deal with to the point that you start rethinking your life and appreciating what little of it you have. It takes about 30 minutes of the movie for Simmons to take that turn.

In the process, he takes on a comedic apprentice played very well by Seth Rogen. His turn as a hungry, wide-eyed comedian with great naivete complemented Sandler's "what does it all mean" mentality in the movie. The "what does it all mean" mentality comes to life in the form of Leslie Mann's character Laura, who finally gets the prominent role that she greatly deserves, albeit it came in a movie her husband wrote and directed. Mann's character was hurt badly over a dozen years ago by Simmons who apparently cheated on her. Of course, clues like that were the tipping point of how Simmons became the hardened person he would become. Anyways, Laura sympathizes with Simmons' condition and the two start reconnecting in the face of it. There's also a point that both get comfortable with each other again that Laura reveals that her husband, played by Eric Bana, cheats on her and is barely around for her family.

So Simmons basically loafs around about his own mortality and how this disease will take him. There is total fear in Sandler's character. But then, he gets news that he may have beaten the disease. And all will be better, right? Well, we get a little hairy at this point of the story. At this point, we're to believe that Sandler will get the girl that she's been thinking of since she left him.

One blogger pointed out that this movie ended becoming an episode of Entourage where at the end all will be fine and nobody gets hurt and nobody really learns a lesson. And I have to agree. I felt no growth among the characters as the story progressed, maybe a little with Seth Rogen's character Ira, who went from loser comedy schlub to somebody who knew what was right and wrong and could stand on his own feet to make that decision. Sandler's performance was completely different than from what we're used to seeing him. We're accustomed to seeing him beat up Bob Barker or make incoherent baby-like noises. But as Simmons, he portrays a funny man who cannot deal with the 10-ton of bricks that fell on his lap such as a disease diagnosis. Or being passed over by the only woman she ever loved. Not his best performance, though. (On a side note, I thought his best performance came in the form of the Wedding Singer. Don't judge me, I thought it was his best.)

As a Judd Apatow-comedy, it excelled when jokes and one-liners came through. Apatow can really convey from his actors a good response given the gravity of a scene. And the picture was beautifully shot. Of course, Apatow recruited the services of Oscar-winning cinematographer Janusz Kaminski (see Schlinder's List, Jerry Maguire).

In short, the story fell short of becoming a story of growth especially for Adam Sandler's character. But then again, we got one of Sandler's best performances. We may have also gotten Seth Rogen's best performance in his career so far (I'll cautiously stop short of saying Supporting Actor Oscar material). And the comedy of Funny People did not dissappoint, although it took too long for the story to be told. A little too long for an Apatow film.

As a special bonus, here's the YouTube vid of Jonah Hill's character in Funny People playing with cute kittens. 700,000 hits. Why?!

When Did E! Start Un-Blurring Boobs?

2009-07-24T15:57:00.000-07:00

(via WWTDD) Kendra's wedding gift to us. Boobs.

So as to not confuse you, I am a man who loves boobies. Boobies on women. And just like a veteran wine taster, I like a particular set of boobs. I'm cool with any other boobs, they just can't be awkward looking. Besides, I've noticed even the small boobs can create cleavage, and if that's the cleavage you have, then you have me...you just have me.

With that said, Kendra Wilkinson (aka the youngest bimbo of Hef's former gals) apparently showed off the chest ornaments and it totally got unblurred on E!, which last time I checked was a tv network on basic cable, not premium cable. E! also offered a look at Denise Richards' chest cannons on her show. Apparently, she got her implanted wild things shortly before shooting Wild Things. What I'm getting at is WhenTF did E! start showing titties. Apparently, we've gone to the point of tastelessness that we got exposed, uninhibited mounds in our faces. I'm griping because this type of shit could have been done a long time ago. Gosh!

Here's the NSFW tit pic collection from Kendra.

Buehrle = Perfection

2009-07-23T15:32:00.000-07:00

(via With Leather) Only inches separated a free dinner by the pitcher and a reaming from Ozzie Guillen.

Ok. This week of blogs appears to be sports-dominated. Of course, I'm non-discriminate when it comes to chosing which category I choose my entries. I am discriminate, though, on which underwear I wear each day. I can't soil the good ones right away.

Ok. Bad start. But look! A perfect game. But, dude, it's just baseball. WTF is the big deal? Well, Idiot, a perfect game is the nerd world's version of a comet passing earth or an eclipse darkening and freaking the f*ck out a few million people in the Eastern Hemisphere. When it happens, you should take notice. Yeah, yeah, you hate sports? Then, shut the f*ck up until my next Heidi and Spencer post.

For the rest of you, you cannot help but appreciate what happened...at a day game of all situations. Buehrle's perfect game against the Rays truly affixes the word "professional" to ball player. Too bad the same couldn't be said about the Rays batting order.

Anyways, here's one of the most spectacular catches of the year when Sox OF Dewayne Wise preserved the perfect game with a great grab in the ninth:

Oh. So Melrose Place Dictates My Life Now, Does It?

2009-07-23T11:45:00.000-07:00

So the TV show that nobody wanted made its impending return that much unbearable with a new set of teaser posters and their crazy ass catchphrases. (I know he's dead, but big middle fingers to Aaron Spelling for Melrose Place and 90210.) Of course, leave it to the CW to create posters that may get some people looking...and pondering about the complexities of life...or at the very least, ponder about suicide. Remember the OMFG Gossip Girl posters? Yeah, me neither. But somebody decided to make a big stink about that one because of the F in the campaign. And by F, it meant fugtacular. As in, "my God, this Melrose Place resurrection has awfully fugtacular people in it. I mean, look at Ashlee Simpson!"

If you need a demonstration of how desperate the CW is getting, here's the teaser for Melrose Place:

Click here for the rest of the posters. It's a good thing Hump Day changes for me now. I can expecte to change my sheets on Wednesday.

The Dunk That Made Him 'LeBitch'

2009-07-22T15:00:00.000-07:00

So the only surviving video of the infamous LeBron-gets-dunked-on incident survived the Nike abortion and found life on the internet. TMZ and ebaumnation.com made headway with the much sought after tape.

To quickly fill you in, Lebron James was hosting a basketball camp in Ohio, inviting two dozen college players. Lebron decided to take part in a pickup game and, during that game, a 20-year-old Xavier University sophomore named Jordan Crawford took the rock to the hole and dunked over Lebron.

In a snap moment of embarrassment, Nike, Lebron James' shoe sponsor, quickly snatched any video tape that captured the moment out of fear of a poor rep.

So here we are now with the tape which basically is underwhelming and not really lives up to the hype and bickering of it all in the previous weeks. But dammit, if this doesn't cause things this season. If I were Jordan Crawford, I would hide. Lebron has money. Nike is a big corporation. And if any single entity were to take Lebron, who, along with Kobe Bryant, is Nike's money men, down a peg, then we could see Crawford's life and rep take a turn for the worse. It's funny too. I could see "Nike henchman" turn Crawford's life into crap. Oh well, at least his name is out there...for the obituaries to know who he is.

Youth: 'The Defication of Imbecility'

2009-07-22T14:44:00.000-07:00

And with just an unlauded step in front of the camera, a Scottish entertainer bloke began a unitribe that could resonate with me for a while. Craig Ferguson opened The Late Late Show Tuesday night with him figuring out "why everything sucks." Watch. Listen. Learn.

That Pesky Erin Andrews Video

2009-07-21T12:45:00.000-07:00

Yeah. The shirt's in the way. I get it.

Hey, dude! Did you hear about that leaked video of Erin Andrews nude? No WAY!

Yes, I am joining the fray in mention Ms. Andrews in her birthday suit doing stuff that thin, well-spoken blondes do in their hotel room. No, I don't have the video or the pics. And apparently, if you track a copy down, its embedded with malware. So all that effort to jerk off to grainy video of a peeping tom camera shot of a woman...and I do mean...A woman will be all for naught when the virus is on your computer.

Anyways, the whole fracas over the video has ESPN and Erin angry and they want answers immediately. Thank God for TMZ, though. They think they have this one answered, including who it might be rolling the camera -- someone she knows?? (For the record, 'twas not me. I was stalking my redheaded neighbor that time.)

TMZ has reviewed six videos shot by the peeping Tom who secretly videotaped Erin Andrews in her hotel room as the ESPN reporter walked around naked, not having a clue she was being watched ... and there are signs the person who taped it may be connected with the coverage of athletic events.
Four of the clips were shot in the same hotel. The remaining two were shot in a different hotel. In the first hotel, the peephole is round. In the second hotel, the peephole is jagged. The furniture in the two hotel rooms is completely different. In the first set of videos, Erin is naked, curling her hair while looking into a mirror. It appears all four clips are from the same video. In the second set of clips, Erin is also naked, ironing a pair of pants.
The videos raise the suspicion that the person who shot them may have been familiar with her work schedule and may have been traveling with her. Erin's people are on the hunt for the culprit.

So to sum it up, Erin got naked in the privacy of her own room with the understanding and presumability that she could, even to the point of ironing her own pants (hot!). But then again, it just seems too contrived of a story for real life. Didn't we see this with Quaqmire on some God-forsaken episode of Family Guy. Anyways, talk of naked ladies has got me all hot. I think, I'll go to Hollywood and find me a hooker that looks exactly like Erin Andrews. Peeping tom? PEEP THIS, HOOKER WHO LOOKS LIKE ERIN ANDREWS.

Woman: Roethlisberger Went Ruthless On My Burger

2009-07-21T09:17:00.000-07:00

Pictured lady not the accuser. But she could have been.

First, I must apologize for the title of this post. I guess puns are society's verbal tampon when you want to pad the heavy metaphorical bleeding of your witty and relevant banter. So, again, apologies all from me.

So Ben Roethlisberger is a dick. Or that's at least what my friend Josh says. Basically, Ben and his mid-major college graduating ass didn't want to pay for a tab at my friend's bar. And there was a bunch of bickering from Ben ranging from "Do you know who I am?" to "I won a Super Bowl!" My friend responds, "I know who you are. That's still $55." The motherf*cker makes millions and can't settle a simple $50 tab?

Anecdotes aside, Ben was accused today for sexual assault. How's that for karma, you bitch Roethlisberger! Anyways, TMZ has the story:

Andrea McNulty claims in her civil lawsuit filed in Washoe County, Nevada, this year's Super Bowl winner asked her to come to his hotel room in July, 2008 -- and then forced her to have sex with him.
McNulty -- an employee at the Harrah's Hotel in Lake Tahoe -- is suing for sexual assault and battery, false imprisonment and infliction of emotional distress.

Just to clear things up for you, people, he went to Miami of Ohio, not the other Miami where all shit gets wild. You know what I mean. If I didn't know better, I would think he's a Duke lacrosse player.

Holy F*ckin' Gaga!

2009-07-20T16:31:00.000-07:00

I haven't really found the topic or the voice to write/verbalize about the crap going on in craptacular crapdom. But, hey, look! It's Lady Gaga being weird again.

Well, not necessarily acting weird but, by God, I can't take this bitch seriously when she starts wearing Kermit the Frogs as a pancho. Yes, those are dolls on her but to think this might inspire her to put on a pelt of Rolf the Hound Dog or Gonzo as a crotch piece. Oh, yeah, she's still ugly as sin.

This is So True

2009-07-10T09:47:00.000-07:00

Video Games - E3 2009 - Attack of the Show

I'm probably sending the wrong message about this blog and what I write about it. I say this because this is the third or fourth or fifth (lost count) time I posted something related to Olivia Munn. She is hot and funny. There's no doubt about. She's partially the reason I want digital cable so bad. (The other reason being all that crazy faux HBO/Showtime/Cinemax "porno" they show late at night.)

I digress. The real reason for this posting is Munn's appearance for a video called "The Girl at the Video Game Store" by Parry Gripp. This is actually true. Every lyric of this is true. And other burnouts like me can attest to walking into Gamestop or EB Games and seeing the toking girl working there. Yet the girl that works there is either extremely fat and ugly or extremely hot. And when you encounter the extremely hot ones, they p0wn you on everything involving video games. Maybe that's why I never got into video games. Just to knowing barely anything and being felt inferior makes me sensitive. That and I can't freely admit that Pokemon on Nintendo Anything is the best video game ever.

Oh, Ron Ron

2009-07-04T02:53:00.000-07:00

Don't you find it funny that when there's unique basketball players out there, they can have a unique nickname. LeBron=Bron Bron. Shaq=~~Big Aristotle~~ ~~Big Cactus~~ Big Freeze? Then, you have Ron Artest who, depending on how you see him, can be Ron Ron -- the guy who is passionate about the team he plays for (to an extent) and his "hood" -- or that thug n***a who started that big fight with a bunch of fans in Detroit and basically put a black eye on professional sports and connecting athletes with fans.

This past season, I subscribed to the Ron Ron side of things being that he was integral in Houston's rise from the Southwest Division cellar. In fact, I thought he could be a leader rather than someone who could win a championship on the coat tails of a superstar. In small little words, we f*cked, y'all. No Yao for the season and possibly the rest of his career. No superstar presence in the starting five. An ineffective Tracy McGrady since 2004. We were the darlings of the whole Western Conference when we took the Lakers to the brink in the Second Round. Now we're looking at NBA purgatory for the next 3-6 seasons. Believe me, I hung all my hope on Artest being the saving grace of a whole city. Instead, he'll be sipping Moet with Luke Walton and Adam Morrison at the W after a hard fought win against the Clippers.

Don't get me started on Trevor Ariza also. In order for Houston to get a sniff of the playoff drawls, Ariza and Aaron Brooks will have to become superstars this seasons. I wonder what we can give up for Zydrunas Ilgauskas. Somebody up in Cleveland took his job already.

Guess Who

2009-07-04T02:45:00.000-07:00

[AP via TMZ] Something tells me the man in that casket will sell you on a clean, moral Christian life. OxiClean, ni**a!

WARNING: Vomit About

2009-07-04T01:50:00.000-07:00

I am on the verge of vomiting at this point. But I felt it wouldn't be American of me to take three sake bombs and down three Coronas. So, I bring to you the best compliation of vomiting I could find without playing the rest of the video. Now if you excuse me, I'm going to think of something that can induce the chewy chunks out of me. Maybe this.

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!

17 Rich Saps and a Little Whore

2009-07-02T13:24:00.000-07:00

Megan Wants A Millionaire. Hm. I'm totally unaware of the affect of the center of the show, Megan Hauserman. But apparently, she had a quite an impression on the many clap-trap VH1 shows that they have on.

Apparently, she chased after the affection of Bret Michaels in the first Rock of Love. She engaged in fisticuffs and a got a drink thrown in her face be Sharon Osbourne on Charm School 2. She even tried going for cash in the second I Love Money.

So, in the long tradition of miniscule VH1 reality stars that got famous for their classiness, Megan will get the ultimate in self-indulgance, a reality dating show about her whoring around with apparent millionaires who don't know what to do with their money so the only thing they can do is spend it on vapid women like her. Anyways, whatever gets you paid at the end. Yeah, we got a bad economy.

Goddamn It! That's Not How You Do It

2009-07-01T05:03:00.000-07:00

I'm playing Insomniac Jack at the moment and I swear to the Lord that if this smudge on my glasses doesn't go away in the next hour, I will kill the next thing moving.

Ok, only fibbing. But, hey! Look! It's Olivia Munn. Any reason to post Olivia Munn pics or videos of her baring something works anytime for me. She's too damn funny to ignore and too damn hot to...um...ignore. (Vocabulary and grammar aren't exactly working for me at this time. Hey, it was my birthday just hours ago. I have the right to fuck up. It's like being born again and again and again. Fuck me...)

Truffle shuffle away, my dear!

Ever Wonder What Anchors Do During Commercials?

2009-06-30T02:53:00.000-07:00

I've made a soft mention in past posts about my primary occupation, which is being the cyber miscreant/gimp/slave for a TV news station. I think I mentioned it. It's either that or where I'm from. I swear, I shouldn't divulge much about the real identity of this blogger but what's the use. I've been writing these entries as if I'm Hemingway and I'm penning The Old Man and The Sea. Uh oh. Andy Rooney-tangent.

Anyways, I've come across some interesting co-workers whose primary job is to hock news into your living room/sex room/cauldron, what have you, on a daily basis. And the thing with disseminating news on a daily basis is the appearance of making everything serious enough that you might not know the person reading the news. HLN anchors actually speak to the audience as if they're having a conversation, which is a plus in basic TV anchoring. But then again, we return to square one when anchors bring you the news on your local station.

So I find this piece of video refreshing as two of WGN Chicago's main anchors take a moment to keep things playful...and awfully coordinated, during their post A-block commercial break. Watch out for the Thriller gestures in the choreograph. This kinda shows that not all anchors were born with a broomstick up their ass. Fox News anchors definitely need not apply.

[The Smoking Section via The Rap Up]

My Late Billy Mays Post

2009-06-30T01:32:00.000-07:00

Yes, I was aware of another "untimely" death that happened within a matter of 72 hours. Billy Mays was sorta like an enigma to me. He appeared during the most unexpected times of the television viewing day and his enthusiasm over the products he was hocking actually made those products good enough to get our attention. Yet it's because of that enthusiasm that I found him to be slightly insufferable and easily mockable. And then came along a prostitute kissing, prostitute beating douchebag who wanted to make his New York-accent believable to audiences who were sucked into the most usless rag on earth. And it's with this that Billy's profession was put into perspective. There was no one like Billy. In some respects, he could be viewed as the originator of the television pitch game when we know some of the legends before him. The Juiceman and Ron Popeil come to mind. But Billy was a real person who made us believe that we had real problems in our lives that could only be solved with whatever he was selling. Whether the bottom line of these pitches were ethical becomes irrelevent with his approach to the sale. And that is that you could see that he believed in the product that he was selling. If you have seen an episode of Pitch Men on A&E, you would have known that he doesn't necessarily invent these products but gives the chance to regular American people to sell their inventions.

Here's to you, Billy. I will make sure I buy three 2-gallon buckets of OxyClean while I wipe my ass with a ShamWow.

Maybe the Pepsi Commercial Fire Should Have Did Him In

2009-06-25T19:55:00.000-07:00

1958-2009

In this recent internet age, the Jay Leno-types of jokes and bashing of Michael Jackson only got more intense as blogging became popular. But you can't blame bloggers and comedians making fun of Jacko. What with his bizarre behavior, alleged pedophilia, and skin discolorization. But then again, Jackson was someone who was on top of the world. You would expect one album or two to raise the status of a singer and just let it peak until we woulld get tired of it. But with Michael, it was a string of Jackson 5 hits and then Off the Wall and Thriller. The man, indeed, made Thriller, and it was this that Michael grabbed your ear and made you take notice. Trash him for what he became after that time but the dude was a genius when it came to making music. Don't say that you didn't tap your feet when you first heard "Can't Stop Til You Get Enough."

His crazy behavior after the Dangerous album cannot be vouched for, though, at least by me. His life and demise are that of the typical E! True Hollywood Story but magnified to a greater degree. The man who died was a music icon and personally I adored the music rather than the path following the music. Here's to you Jacko. I will play Billie Jean on repeat tonight.

No Showtime or HBO? You Fail.

2009-06-25T14:09:00.000-07:00

I think summer is where the geniuses at Showtime and HBO pull off their great strategy of getting the masses to watch the poo they fling at the public. You can't go wrong with True Blood, Weeds, and the unheralded Nurse Jackie filling the summer watching slate. And this particular summer makes me regret that I have to cut costs and not get premium cable, no less a DVR box. I swear, getting premium in the past and not having it is when a rich junky gets exposed to the "stuff," gets off it because of low funding, then regrets spending all that money on getting a "rush" just because he wants that rush now. I have no idea how the picture could have been painted but let's just say I want Showtime and HBO pushed through my veins now.

With that said, two prominent shows are making their return to the summer slate -- Californication and Entourage. Guess which show I badly need to watch more.

Here's the preview for Californication:

And here's the preview for Entourage, if you're into that kinda thing:

Get the F*ck Outta Here! Buzz Aldrin?!

2009-06-23T16:38:00.000-07:00

No, Uncle Buzz. These guys aren't here to end yo' life like sucka ass fool.

So the latest public figure to get slingshot back into our consciousness is 2nd man on the moon, Buzz Aldrin. And, whaddya know, he's droppin' a fat moon rock on the hip-hop game. Funny or Die has Aldrin teaming up with Snoop Dogg and the very underrated (in a good way) Talib Kweli to drop his single "Rocket Experience." Of course, there's no way they can make this real. I mean, all those FoD guys are just faking it, right? Oh. Here's the 'making of' vid:

Making of Buzz Aldrin's Rocket Experience w/ Snoop Dogg and Talib Kweli from Buzz Aldrin

I Endorse This Product

2009-06-23T14:23:00.000-07:00

I love boobies. There's no question and no qualms about it. I just do. I even would go to great lengths to build a time machine to keep Punky Brewster from killing her cans. So with that said, I endorse this "Kush Support" product in the name of the chesty women out there who ache from the front (as opposed to aching from the "back" *ZING!* and by back, I mean anus). Sleep well, my mammarically enhanced women. May you no longer feel pain. By the way, this product totally looks like some hardcore titty f**kin'. I'm just sayin'.

Is It Too Late to Send Them to a Sweat Shop? UPDATE

2009-06-23T14:07:00.000-07:00

That headline was to shock people. Of course, childhood labor is very un-American, unless one of those children were to be part of a set of twins or sextuplets or octuplets and that automatically churns out a meal ticket for the brave woman that pushed them out and the lazy man that just happened to hit it on all cylinders during the conception.

As you may have no doubt heard, Jon and Kate Gosselin, the parents of the said sets of twins and sextuplets, are divorcing, as it was unsurprisingly announced on their Jon and Kate Plus 912 program. You really hate to see the dissolution of a relationship. But, of course, you mix in one volatile attitude with an unrelenting slob and eight quarter-Asian children and TV cameras, you get a big mess on your hand. At this point, I think the misery of it all is enough for Kate to wish she bought that diaphragm or got that morning after pill...or for Jon to just hit on that other chick that totally wasn't Kate. That way, neither of these people would have such infamy blasted in their faces. Then again, though, Kate would not have gotten that tight mommy body she got and Jon would not have gotten that full head of hair he acquired from the Hair Club for Men.

It's a shame. Who knows? Maybe when the little Gosselin boys grow up, Dad will probably show them the proper way to holler at bitches on the side and to negotiate with a hooker. And maybe the Gosselin girls will learn from their mom how to create an insufferable atmosphere to choke a roomful of puppies.

UPDATE: So Kate says in divorce papers that she and Jon were already separated, for at least the past two years, thus, creating the biggest televised sham ever!

HTF Does a Blogger Become the News?

2009-06-22T12:04:00.000-07:00

So apparently the "Queen of All Media" Perez Hilton got "assaulted" in Toronto over the weekend. The kicker of the assault apparently was who he accused of the hit -- Will.i.am of the Black Eyed Peas [TMZ has the story].

Here's an obvious double-edged sword about this. First, it's Perez Hilton. He seems like an alright guy from a relevant sense of notoriety. Despite his poorly constructed MS Paints of penii on certain celebrity faces, he just seems to keep his lispy mouth into things that shouldn't necessitate him to be.

And then you have the Black Eyed Peas, who I loved back in 1998 when they started that conscious hip-hop movement, incorporating the talents from different racial backgrounds into the fold. You know, something like a modern day rap equivalent to Prince's crew. Then, 2002 hit and they wanted relevancy badly. And you could tell when they decided to add the pop chick to the group. And suddenly, an L.A. hip-hop group that no one knew is suddenly on the mainstream, with pop records playing at every prom, graduation party, and marriage reception. Boo on that!

So, in summation, I could care less about this incident. I just want to make the point that if I started pandering and just starting shit out of thin air, I would put a little more class and little less slut to the occasion. Speaking of, I'm calling out the yellow Wiggle. That muthaf*cka is totally queer.

I Met This Guy Last Night

2009-06-21T20:10:00.000-07:00

He's 37-years-old. WTF?!

So. I went out for the third straight alcohol-fueled night in the dirtbag desert. Night 1 was a drama-filled birthday outing. Night 2 was almost about the same. Night 3 was interesting. After serving a carne and pollo asado barbecue to these four L.A. chicks who were visiting my roommate, my crew stepped it out to a rather raucous yet L.A.-like nightclub.

There, more alcohol was added but a hella lot more sweat was in the occasion. I mean, what with all my Dance Fever aspirations. Anyways, in the middle of the club was this boyish all-American guy no taller than 5'9" sticking out like a sore thumb. Sure enough, to my friend's confirmation, it was that dude who played the gay guy on Dawson's Creek. For those who are as smart as I am and can identify whom's whom in Hollywood, the guy was Kerr Smith. The guy was just chilling out at the club and trying to run game with his own entourage of guys who totally looked older than he was. I slapped hands with him and asked him about his next project, a TV project for midseason on the CW. Recently, he starred in My Bloody Valentine and was on Eli Stone.

Anyways, me being the "Turtle" of any small group of guys, I tried hooking him up with a nice bachelorette party with my stupid ass dance moves, of which I was tagged the "Bad Dancing Guy" with another stupid ass bachelorette party. If I wasn't too drunk and sweaty with the dancing, I coulda sworn one of those tall, nice figured bridesmaids was wearing no underwear at all.

I spoke to Kerr once more after and he said he came all the way out from L.A. for bachelorette party hunting season. Yes, me too, I said. He's a cool guy and awfully handsome. I can't get over the fact that he's 37. And to think about 11 years ago, he was on TV making out with dudes on the Creek.

I should write a book about making friends with celebrities because my phonebook contacts list is rather shabby. No offense to you readers who are already there.

This is the Last Puppet Commercial. I Promise.

2009-06-18T11:12:00.000-07:00

Nike's MVPuppets campaign featuring "Kobe" and "LeBron" as roommates may have fallen by the wayside because of the shoe company's overeagerness for an LA-Cleveland Finals. But you have to admit those commercials caught your attention. Here's what seems to be the final MVPuppets campaign, until the LeBron puppet comes back complaining about New York City traffic heading to the Garden.

Horn Dogged-ness

2009-06-18T10:54:00.001-07:00

For some reason, The Cooter has been an avenue of cynicism, debauchery, sadism, and all out "horn dogged-ness-ness."

So to sink this website further down the hole of dirtiness, here's a nice animated .gif of my future wife Olivia Munn getting fondled. Sweet, huh?

Oh. The news? Um. Something about Olivia and stuff and Iron Man too. I don't know.

Rollercoasters are Fun!

2009-06-17T15:54:00.000-07:00

Words are useless for this post. Just these. Lingerie. Rollercoaster. Boobies. Shake well.

Make sure the Ben Gay is handy. You know. For the wrist sore afterwards.

[WithLeather via Ad Gabber]

Alec is My Favorite Baldwin

2009-06-16T15:31:00.000-07:00

That's what's making news today. Really. At least in my crazy drug-addled, alcoholic, revved-up hormonal mind o' mine.

Seriously, though, it's stuff like his Sanford & Son therapy session with Tracy Morgan on 30 Rock that shows his real genius and range. It kinda also makes you forget that he called his daughter with Kim Basinger a "thoughtless little pig." (Remember that? Refresher here.)

Anyways, he has an interview with Playboy set to hit newstands this week, and, in it, he talks about his aspirations to retire from the acting game in 2012. It's a bummer for me because it kinda tells me when the perceived demise of 30 Rock will happen. So ZOMG, if they don't write in that Jack-Liz love storyline, then I don't know what...

Something Tells Me Gina Carano is F**ked

2009-06-16T14:33:00.000-07:00

There's absolutely nothing sexy about the "rear naked choke."

Let's preface here. I know as much about MMA as I do about the furry fetish, which is very little. (See, I almost led you to believe I know all about furry/mascot sex. Well, I don't. So, rasberries, bitch!) But I do know a little to get me by, just like how the hell I know what's going on when I first followed Lost this past season. Plus, there's a little thing called Wikipedia. That, like my affliction for staring at asses, male or female (WTF?), I DO do alot. Heh. Do do.

Anyways, MMA has a super female fight fest coming up between the sextacularly tough Gina Carano and the fugtacularly rough Cris "Cyborg" Santos. The Brazilian Santos talked to some MMA reporter douche for a website, which that alone says "reputible journalism," and got to brass tasks demonstrating what she would do to Carano...on the reporter douche.

Here's the vid. You can fast forward to the 4:13 mark for nitty gritty:

For someone nicknamed "Cyborg," she really puts on that Ivan Drago impression. I think she will "break" my beautiful Gina-bear. I mean, the reporter douche looked virtually dead.

On the plus side, I think I just stained my pants. Was I turned on by this near snuff film? Maybe.

Induce Vomiting Now

2009-06-16T12:31:00.000-07:00

Ok. Ok. Bashing Spencer and Heidi has become so out of style and so overrated that it has become the Tamagachi of this decade. You know, those stupid ass digital pets you feed and play with and it dies when you over feed it. You know, just like the media overfeeding the Pratts' superbloated ego. But, my God, have you even sat down one moment to hear them speak?

Here's their appearance on Jimmy Fallon:

I had to quit after about a minute in the interview because I was totally feeling this morning's breakfast burrito coming up. Too late.

(**Pause from bloated vomitice)

And if that weren't enough, Spencer might be on a warpath with "weatherman" Al Roker, after Monday's Today Show in which Roker pressed Heidi about being "proud" of what they did on I'm a Celebrity...

And here's Spencer's mega douchey response. I think I could die from all of this. Could anyone die from over douchieness?

Now Presenting...What I Do in My Spare Time

2009-06-16T10:36:00.000-07:00

VIMBY - Air Sex

And believe me, I have a whole lotta spare time. What with all the crazy O-faces I can make alone without the assistance of a spotter or a ravenous pet.

Anyways, these people in the video are participating in what I can only describe as a typical weeknight for them. It's an "air sex" competition. You know, sorta like air guitar competitions except more imagination and less shame. Simple enough, these people are showing how they get their rocks off without stripping off their clothes. From the initial view, you can say they are having one "sexy time." But on a second view, it's just a bunch of white dudes and gals, many of whom are fugly as fug, flopping around on a stage like fish on a boat.

No 'Munn'-y Shot?

2009-06-16T09:27:00.000-07:00

Video Game - E3 2009 - Attack of the Show

Life is so unfair. I have to pay taxes to support some choice lazy sunzabitches. GD impoverished. Plus, I live in possibly the worst state in the union (go ahead, guess which one). And now that I find out that my dream blow up doll model, Olivia Munn, will do Playboy, she won't show beave, boob, or bush? WTF? This is GD Playboy, not Maxim, darlin'. You're simply teasing us, Ms. Munn, with this. And believe me, from what I'm seeing, Olivia is doing nothing too earth shattering or new in this pictorial. Shame on you, Olivia. Shame, shame on you.

With that said, though, I don't think it would deter me from sticking the pages together. Tee-hee!

Nowhere Near 'Indian Thriller' Status

2009-06-16T09:07:00.000-07:00

I like to believe that movies can imitate real life (see World Trade Center, United 93) and/or suspend reality (Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Hot Rod). But to say this Tollywood movie from India can make me believe that a man who looks to be 5'5" and 205 pounds can actually dribble and shoot and outrun a train, then you got me trapped man. I don't know. Don't look at me for the answers to the complexities of life and logic. Just watch the thing and pretend you can do anything. God, I feel like puking right now.

Oh, yeah, and if you like to compare this to my all time favorite import from Indian aside from tandoori chicken, go right ahead, sir.

Ashley Tisdale Makes Obama Blush

2009-06-12T16:05:00.000-07:00

I am exactly one whole day older than Ashley Tisdale.

I actually have nothing of point to say to that except that it makes me feel like I'm close to her already.

Anyways, Tisdale is one of those chicks I knew would be important enough to get my (balls') attention. And if being on The Suite Life with Zack and Cody weren't enough to grab my attention (because, apparently, that's all I watched during college), she shook her lil' ass around with the High School Musical folk.

Speaking of hot lil' pieces of girly mess shaking their asses, Ashley danced circles around an Obama-impersonator on some Spanish show or something. Don't ask me. I wish Ashley danced on my pelvis. Seriously, like stomping on my nuts and shit.

(You can tell how horny I've been in today's posts. Good Lord, I shouldn't be blogging right now.)

Heidi to Do Playboy

2009-06-12T08:55:00.000-07:00

This "thing" will show off her boobs, butt, and bush. Yay?

In news that shouldn't surprise you, Heidi Montag-Pratt-Belzebub will pose nekkid for Playboy, so says People Magazine. (I swear, it has to irk magazine publications to do stories on other magazine publications. Hell, it's funny too because I learned this story from Entertainment Weekly.)

[The Reality TV star] will pose for the September issue of Playboy...Montag has yet to shoot her photos for the magazine. [EW.com]

I first read about this earlier this morning at 2 a.m. and I started to wonder "how would hate sex be with this chick?" I mean, I would hate sex this chick into warp speed. I mean, imagine parts of the bed falling off, headboard and all. I can also see myself holding her head down with my foot while in the chicken-winged position. OK, too graphic. But my God, do I wanna beat this chick down with my penis.

Anyways, I have not been one to watch The Hills. In fact, I hope in a quick instance that MTV cease exist from all history, public record, and memory. It's just the whore parade that Heidi and Spencer represent that irks me. Same goes with Lindsay Lohan. And the Jon and Kate people. And with Jennifer Aniston. And former Secretary of State Madeline Albright. And Sarah Palin or her daughter (the 14-year-old one that Letterman almost implied about raping or the 18-year-old one who got knocked up and is now a living, breathing testament to abstinence).

Plus, there's rumors over how much Heidi would get paid for the spread. I read somewhere that it would be six-figures. Shit, I would show my balls on live television for a sandwich and a fluffing.

Congratulations, Heidi. Here's hoping that we cross paths and that I may bury your head in a pillow while I make you bleed from friction burn.

HIV is Back in SoCal Porn

2009-06-11T18:57:00.000-07:00

Peter North says "Don't look at me. Maybe it was one of these broads."

Just like any junky to a thin needle, an unnamed porn actress, who more than likely takes the "flesh" needle, tested positive for HIV, a San Fernando Valley clinic reported. This, for sure, is putting the Southern California pornography industry, which produces those mainstream pictures you and I see, such as "The Cockfather" and "Black Dicks in White Chicks," in high alert. This is the first such positive testing in the business since 2004. Of course, between then and now, everything's been peachy, what with the safe gay sex and safe ass-to-mouth pictures that Brandon Iron and the guys at Bang Brothers pop out, not to cynically put those movies down.

The 2004 case involving a male porn actor crippled the industry shtting down productions for four weeks. With this latest infection, I'm sure we won't be jerkin' it for a while to in-production projects such as "Dirty Dick Downers 3" or "Daddy Spank Me There 11."

There's also word that at least 16 HIV cases went unpublicized.

In all, 16 men and 5 women who worked as adult film industry performers contracted HIV between 2004 and 2008, according to Los Angeles County Department of Public Health data requested by The Times. [LA Times]

So let this be a reminder to you barely legal teen starlets who want to break in to porno with dreams of becoming a legitimate actress. When you have sex with dudes like Rocco Sifredi, Nacho Vidal, or Seymour Butts, just imagine the HIV, chlymidia, or whatever bacteria just eating the inside of your snatch. Then, see who really wins.

And now, presenting Leah Luv fellating a hot dog.

EMBED-Hot Dog Trick - Watch more free videos

Oh, What to Do, What to Do

2009-06-11T15:59:00.000-07:00

What I've been doing the past few days

The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated. I actually hate this week. What with all the reports of David Carradine's autoerotica asphyxiation and all this talk about Heidi and Spencer getting tortured. I'm at the point where I'm not giving two fecal nuggets about anything. And in all honesty, I'm waiting on that $50 million lottery ticket to wind up in my hands. Damn you ball-breaking government and your restrictions on online gambling. That shit was my meal ticket.

Anyways, for someone like me who has to actually work for a living rather than bat my eyelashes at air conditioning repairmen who inexplicably work in the family business, I shall stay humble, roll up my pant legs, and be the good writing monkey that I am. (Damn, am I rambling or am I putting my personal shit out there.)

Here's a summary of thoughts I've had for the past two days:

-I'm incredibly broke (not a good thing to admit)

-I'm incredibly lethargic (another thing to omit)

-I'm incredibly attracted to girly-girls (while, admittedly, turning into one myself. Whoops.)

-And I'm at the point where I want the next NBA season to begin.

Where the fuck am I going at with all this?

I guess I was hoping for another Network-style kinda verbal outbreak. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it! At least I'm getting paid rather ridiculously for an incredibly lazy job. (Now I'm just towing the line on things I shouldn't say.)

Stu's Song - Ed Helms - From The Hangover

2009-06-08T13:02:00.000-07:00

If there was any part of The Hangover that you might have missed but you knew that you laughed so hard about, it was Ed Helms' Stu singing "Stu's Song (What Do Tigers Dream Of)". Not only did it underscore the goal of the whole movie, it also displayed the insanity of the story. And this could possibly be the best musical movie highlight of the year, well at least says Entertainment Weekly.

A Tiger, A Baby, Asian Pube Action, and Heather Graham (The Hangover Review)

2009-06-07T21:14:00.001-07:00

Fat Jesus, the bully from those movies, and Andy from The Office.

Don't get me wrong. The first impressions I had of The Hangover were generally the after-viewing impressions of What Happens in Vegas, which, like any Ashton Kutcher-Cameron Diaz movie, I found to be insufferable. Of course, if the beaten-to-death statement "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" holds true, then that concept is embodied to an extreme degree with this Todd Phillips-directed comedy.

I actually was expecting some kind of dark comedy, what with the serious concept of losing your best friend for whom he has a bachelor party made in his honor in Vegas for. But it was a fun movie, in the same vein that Steven Soderberg's Ocean's 11 was fun. The fun part in this movie was the sleuthing Bradley Cooper, Zach Galafinakis, and Ed Helms do in trying to find their lost groom after a serious night of drinking the town under the table. Note: Jaeger laced with roofies may not be a good idea two days before a wedding, but do what you will. It's not my life you're fucking up.

Anyways, the boys encounter some improbable twists and turns in this "retracing your steps" gone wild flick. From discovering you just stole a police car to discovering you just married a hooker/stripper who has a baby, the guys seem genuinely surprised to discover their drunken misdeeds. And all three main characters proudly got to shine in this feature. It's great to see Ed Helms step outside his Andy character from The Office and be the fish out of water character. Zach Galafianakis continues his quest to be the weirdest, funniest man that should be more widely known. I expected nothing more or less from the dude. And it's refreshing to see Bradley Cooper be the dependable, concerned friend who still has a mission in mind to find his best friend.

After watching 89 minutes of twisty turny types of humor, you will defintely get a payoff in what I considered the best closing credits in cinematic history.

Random notes: Ken Jeong never ceases to amaze me. No matter how caricaturized a character he plays, he knows how to deliver comically. Watch for him as the Asian man trapped in the trunk. Heather Graham never ceases to disappoint me. She, like her other roles, was good in this movie only for decoration. You know, more in the line of a desk lamp. Mike Tyson's appearance was underwhelming in this movie but he did provide a selling point in the movie's trailers. So kudos to that, I guess. And, I bet you didn't know this but remember the Jew-fro guy who was "here for the gangbang" in Old School. Well, that's Todd Phillips and he makes another Jew-fro appearance in this movie. Just thought you should know.

Here's the Restricted Trailer, which essentially ruins the movie for you. Have a nice day!

Sunday's Three Foregone Conclusions

2009-06-07T20:39:00.000-07:00

Eb-Bon-Knee and Eye-Verrr-Reee...Come together in perfect har-mo-knee.

The Lakers are clutch when they need to be. It's a foregone conclusion to see Kobe take over a game especially in big showcase matchups. Kobe erupted for an NBA Finals Career High (how many people can claim that?) of 40 in Game 1 against Orlando on Thursday. But despite his team high 29 points, it was a true team effort that kept L.A. from falling behind against the Magic in Game 2. The Lakers take a 2-0 lead with a 101-96 overtime win. In other Laker-related foregone conclusions, Kobe is more than likely to get away with sleeping with your girlfriend. He can just say I'm Kobe Bryant. Then, panties drop. I'm just sayin'.

That's the look of someone breaking their French virginity.

When Rafael Nadal got bounced from the French Open, it was Roger Federer's tournament to win and nobody else's. It's been a foregone conclusion in the past to see 22-year-old Spaniard Nadal dominate the field on clay at the French Open. They should have just renamed the whole tournament after him. And time after time, Mr. Swiss Miss himself RoFed has fallen victim to Nadal. He's good on grass. He's good on the hard court. He just can't seem to get a handle of the red clay. But Sunday was his time to capture that elusive French Open title, against the guy who beat Nadal, of all people. RoFed won in straight sets to capture his career grand slam (U.S., Australian, Wimbledon, the others) and his record tying 14th Grand Slam title. Good job, ace! Now, we can stop paying attention to tennis for a while. That's if Maria Sharapova and Anna Kournikova release a hot lesbian sex tape tomorrow. Reel me in for that one!

I knew you doubted him. Now, he will make you his bitch.

Tiger Woods is a sick, sick man. There is no golfer in the world that can match what Tiger is doing. He shot a shitty 75 on Saturday at the Memorial in Ohio. Then, he turned it around from 4 strokes behind the lead and took the outright win. I believe I was in awe during his four stroke comeback in April at the Arnold Palmer Invitational. Believe this: this is Tiger's fifth win after coming back from four or more strokes behind the lead. Do not sleep on Tiger. Do not ever sleep on this dude. If Tiger can do the impossible, then I believe I will be able to sleep with a hot blonde, big boobed 20-year-old who likes it in the poop shooter. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!!

If There Was One Reason to Twitter...

2009-06-05T11:17:00.000-07:00

I've found the micro-blogging phenomenon known as Twitter as a passing fad that should lose steam soon, or something that could use as much needed publicity as televised Chinese executions. And the part of telling your whole day to a network of people you don't know kinda throws the privacy card out the window. Then again, you're crazy enough to put that stuff out there. Count me in for a stalking!

You can't deny, though, the small gems you can get from Tweeting...Twerking?...Twatting? Not so sure of the lingo.

Hey, speaking of Twatting, a whole slew of hot chicks, some you may know, some you may not know, are getting showcased on a website. Hot Chicks That Tweet (should it be Hot Chicks WHO Tweet. English, people!) is that site. Get a rundown of actress, models, and porn actresses who tell you whether they are playing with their electric bunny or electrocuting a bunny.

Horray for Twitter?

OK, John Mayer is Cool Again

2009-06-05T00:43:00.000-07:00

I've posted my disapproval of John Mayer previously on The Cooter. (Hm, John Mayer associates with "cooters" all to well. He is one and yet he can still attract it.) But something funny happened during my drug induced vieweing of Thursday's Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien. Mayer got his own band and several choir kids to cover The Mamas and The Papas' "California Dreamin'."

And it was awesome. Ok, dude. You get back one man card. But don't let me catch you wear those man shorts again acting like you can get away singing queer songs and dating and dumping hot courgar messes. So what it's a cover. It was a cover done well.

In Conan News...

2009-06-04T14:22:00.001-07:00

Funny thing happened to the new Tonight Show set...

We're three Tonight Shows in, and I think Conan is eradicating the suck that used to fill up the 11:30 p.m. time slot. In three quick shows, we've learned the impact of Choco Tacos, Conan's new nickname (Coco) which he has since not wanted, striking glimpse into the year 3000, and Max Weinberg's alledged perversions.

All in all, this is the type of nerd humor I've wanted to share with everybody, and thanks to an equally nerdy man in Conan, I'm glad that type of humor is getting a forefront stance on popular culture.

By the way, that same nerdy humor has been applied to the new Conan monologue backdrop, which indeed does remind me of the Arsenio Hall Show backdrop. Anyways, Serious Lunch contends that the background is essentially levels in the Mario Bros. games. As a self-depricating geek, I say niiiiiice.

Bill Actually Killed

2009-06-04T08:57:00.000-07:00

David Carradine hung himself today. Well, that's what initial reports say about his death inside his "luxury hotel suite" in Thailand. Can't really bother with semantics with something like this, but, yeah, the man is dead.

Anyways, the 72-year-old actor and bald badass from the Kung Fu television series is a cult icon. Yeah, he died so I have to use "was" instead of "is." But you can't deny the badassery seen in his TV and movie stints. And to think it ironic that the titular Bill from the Kill Bill movies actually died kinda points to one thing. Let's look for Uma Thurman and get to the bottom of this, now! I don't care if she has to get through an army of masked dudes in suits controlled by Lucy Liu. We must avenge Bill's death!

Yeah, Kobe. Tell Her Why Her Ass Bled

2009-06-03T16:46:00.000-07:00

I guess it's fitting to post this God-awful parody video of Kobe Bryant's supposed "Colorado date rape victim" freestyling about that night "her bowels" were changed. Kobe's quest for a fourth ring begins tomorrow.

Aside from that, though, the white chick in this video does her worst to replicate the "Kobe, tell me how my ass taste" freestyle that Shaq did. I have no other words except this was maybe in bad taste, no pun intended at all.

Here's the Shaq vid, if you need a reminder:

I Was There and You Weren't. Nah Nah Nah Nah Boo Boo

2009-06-02T00:58:00.000-07:00

My golden ticket to a ginger pale tree's historical show.

There was so much to say about Conan O'Brien's first ever foray in the 11:30 p.m. time slot on NBC. Watching it in the comfort of your living room is one thing. But when you get the opportunity to see it up close and live before your very eyes, even to the point that you can probably hock a loogi and spit on Conan's face, you know it's something especially special.

With that said, seeing the first ever Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien live will be a highlight to me. To be sappy and queer and whatnot, Conan my comedic inspiration. And I couldn't have devoted enough time to staying up at 12:30 a.m. on a school night to catch him or his patented characters like the Masturbating Bear. The gravity of O'Brien hosting an illustrious talk show franchise such as The Tonight Show is pretty big.

So with that said, I will bulletpoint my observances from an audience members point of view:

The line outside apparently started as early 7 a.m. My crew arrived just about 10:30 a.m. We were about 40 people in. By showtime at 5 p.m., the line grew to 380 people. Conan's debut was a big deal.
It was cute to see this 40 year old woman get all so giddy to see Conan. She couldn't stop repeating herself. She had a creepy Pearl Jam tattoo on her ankle, though.
You knew how special this was when the periodical lines to the bathroom reached 50 people deep.
The studio is freakin' huge! And the background of LA behind Conan's desk is like a hologram.

The average age of the studio audience had to be 30. This is definitely not Jay Leno's show anymore. I'm glad the 20-something hipster generation made it out.
I got a free hat! Yay!
The Tonight Show Band (previously known as the Max Weinberg 7) comes out. La Bamba, the black bass player, and the bald fat trumpeter are there. And the bald trumpeter hypes up the crowd with a nice number.
Andy Richter! That dude is a pretty big dude. And considering he had two sitcoms of his own, him hooking up with Conan again just feels so right.
It was fitting to open with Conan trekking across America. He did go from a cult late night show to a TV institution. He just had the travel that long to make it.
CONAN! Dude is a tree. Like a tree with red leaves. Standing ovation goes on for at least 1 minute.
Through the monologue and the desk segment, you could tell the material felt like a typical Tonight Show. It just has Conan's brand of humor in it. Again, this will definitely not be your father's Tonight Show.
Will Ferrell. Carried by slave dudes with ripped abs. Eh. I was hoping for him to do the speedo leprachaun he used to do on Late Night.
Robert Smigel meandered around the studio. It's weird to see him not insult a bunch of nerds with his Triumph puppet.
You can tell the crew was anxious to put on a good show. It was the first one after all but it went swimmingly well.
Pearl Jam. I know only two or three songs of theirs but the band rocked. And to think I was only 7 years old when "Jeremy" came out.
Sarah Silverman is in the building. She tries to rush through the aisle to get a good glimpse of Pearl Jam. I guess that's a way to not attract attention I guess.
Show ends but Conan pulls a trick play with a second Pearl Jam performance. "Rockin' in the Free World" was the encore song. Excellent job by the band.
Overall, the show was a "Tonight Show" type of program with the usual safe-for-the-family humor. But expect Conan and crew to get more comfortable in the 11:30 slot. Who knows, we might get the Masturbating Bear on Episode 2.

Watch the first Tonight Show with Conan:

Eminem Got a Face Full of Bleached Ass

2009-06-01T01:05:00.000-07:00

Bruno v eminem
by workprint

Who knew if this "errant" fly in by Bruno (Sasha Baron Cohen) at last night's MTV Movie Awars was fixed. But I found it rather suspicious that they landed Bruno perfectly in position for Eminem to get a face full of bleached butthole. You be the judge.

Damn, I'm Horny...for Ribs

2009-05-31T02:42:00.000-07:00

This local commercial from Oklahoma's Mr. Spriggs' BBQ has made its rounds through the internets. But damn if it ever made me want to make passionate love...with myself...in a vat of hickory barbecue sauce.

See, R. Kelly. If you just focused on making slow jams about "meat falling off the bone", then you wouldn't have any trouble. Pissing on peoples faces. Damn.

Kris Allen - Heartless - Live on Late Night

2009-05-31T02:19:00.000-07:00

Damn. He made a Kanye song better than Kanye.

I watched none of this past season's American Idol. Frankly, I didn't care if Adam Lambert had to much sugar in his tank or whatever. And there was no off the chart hot chick that made it towards the end. Take notes America, vote for the moderatly talented, extremely sexy blonde next time.

So apparently the American Idol winner Kris Allen did an acoustic rendition of Kanye West's "Heartless" during the season. And he did it again on Late Night with ~~Conan O'Brien~~ Jimmy Fallon. I'll just say that I could hear America's collective panties drop during that performance. And, I'll admit the boy sure got some soul. I wouldn't care as much usually but it was Kanye song I think I can sing better if I was hogtied and had ants crawling up my legs. Oh, here's the performance:

1 Day 'Til Conan

2009-05-31T01:42:00.000-07:00

Whether you hate or kinda sorta like Jay Leno, there's no doubt that the big wigs at NBC know how and who to put in that 11:30 p.m. slot. Leno was Johnny Carson's replacement in 1992. Carson followed Jack Parr and Steve Allen, two staples of late night television that many in this current generation would certainly not know.

So it is refreshing that NBC went with Conan O'Brien to fill the role at the Tonight Show. I am eager to see how this turns out. I expect it to be weird at first to see the pale, milktoast ginger do a monologue at 11:30 p.m. rather than the 12:35 a.m. slot we're accustomed to seeing him in. But you gotta keep an open mind here. He did, after all, write for The Simpsons.

Damn You, Jeremy Piven!

2009-05-30T02:51:00.001-07:00

Why must you make it so hard to hate you and even harder to like you? Mr. Piven, aka Ari Gold, is featured in the new trailer for The Goods, a movie centered on a traveling salesman who promises to sell 200 cars from a dealership in two weeks.

There is no doubt that Jeremy Piven is an outstanding actor and maybe one of the best comedic actors in Hollywood today. My problem is that cloud hanging over his head called Entourage. Sometimes I just want to kick my TV down with all the lame brained bullcrap that's being flung at my face from the likes of Johnny Drama and Vinny Chase and E and Turtle. I don't know, it has no relatibility. Then, kick start the cuss maching because Piven's Ari Gold comes roaring and he lights a fire into the show. Piven: good actor, wrong show.

LLOYD!

2 Days 'Til Conan

2009-05-30T02:39:00.000-07:00

As Lorne Michaels did for Conan, Conan did for a buttload of people throughout his run. No, I'm not talking about one person giving a ream job to the other. Lorne snatched Conan from relative obscurity to host Late Night. And in turn, Conan created a slew of personalities that would go on to create success in their own right. That couldn't be truer in Andy Richter and Amy Poehler. Andy was Conan's Ed McMahon-esque sidekick from the very beginning until 2000. Andy was panned from the start but it was his witty banter and relativity with Conan that struck a chord with Late Night's audience. Along for the ride was Amy Poehler, way, way before her days hamming it up on Saturday Night Live. She's small, setting up all the deception that she can come off as a little child. And thus, a concept was created. Andy's little sister Stacy, the little teenage girl who harbored a psychotic and at times vengeful crush on Conan. May hilarity ensue.

Andy will return as Conan's sidekick on The Tonight Show.

Let's Bait an Emmy Nomination

2009-05-29T21:29:00.000-07:00

We're gonna have to wait for July until we know who will be nominated for this year's Primetime Emmy Awards. Entertainment Weekly's Michael Ausiello is making his dream Emmy nomination picks. They're all not half-bad and I agree with most of them. But I can't agree anymore than to bait a nomination for Danny McBride in Eastbound and Down. His mastery playing a past his prime, washed up, out-of-work baseball player is astounding, to say the least. He makes living in denial the funniest shit ever. Although, if I did live in denial...I think I am...then it wouldn't really go down like that as a sitcom. But if you have not seen Eastbound or his work in Pineapple Express or his short screen time on Tropic Thunder or The Heartbreak Kid, didn't you're f--cking out!

That is So Not Fair...

2009-05-29T16:38:00.000-07:00

With a face like that, you start considering beastiality.

Not that I could or actually did. **nervous laughter** This weekend might be the most underrated movie weekend on the summer docket, despite Disney/Pixar continuing its plans for world domination in the form of Up. ($50 says this one is a shoe-in for Best Animated Feature at the Oscars.) From what I can tell, Up has a fat Asian kid, an old dude voiced by Ed Asner, who by the way does an excellent job voicing the white collar, bougeous dude in The Boondocks, and Dug the Dog. While Wall-E had its titular character who said two things the whole movie, Up's selling point is Dug who talks through a collar that reads his thoughts.

All together now...

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

The other movie released this weekend is Sam Raimi's Drag Me to Hell. (ORIGINAL POST) This should be refreshing to see director Raimi's return to his horror/thriller roots. I mean, he did do Evil Dead! And you know how nerds and fanboys love Evil Dead. (I, unfortunately, not being one of those dudes.) But it's been getting good reviews and I personally would love to see both of these movies this weekend. That's provided that I cleanse my butthole of this relocation that I have. Damn, I have to be the ultimate procastenator.

What? Shut up and play the video below:

Lady Gaga - Paparazzi - Music Video

2009-05-29T14:31:00.000-07:00

You know that video tape in the movie The Ring in which if you watch it you get a phone call saying you have seven days to live? I think I just watched that video except I got the next seven words before I die.

Not really buying it. This is all bulllllllllllllllllllllllq34y9-w5084llllllllq23 q23 q23 q23 q23 q23 jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj5v923405v7u 90tu90wr9tu9034t9mnq0rrt8-

This So Doesn't Look Right

2009-05-29T11:41:00.000-07:00

Um. Spock, Silar. Whatever your name is. Zachary Quinto, I guess. What's with the intense "milk shower"? [Film Drunk via TiFaux]

Cooter Primer for the Weekend: '80s Hits Used in Comedy

2009-05-29T01:37:00.000-07:00

Jokes.com

Zach Galifianakis - Eternal Flame

dians.comedycentral.com

Joke of the Day

Stand-Up Comedy

Free Online Games

I haven't primed your weekend in quite a while, so I figure, in this insomniac state of mind I'm in...again, I can show you at least one of my last posts in the cubicle I'm thankfully moving out of. Come May 31, provided that I get off my ass to organize my shit, I will be moving into the confines of a swanky condo complete with BBQ and an ice maker, finally! Shit! I will be blogging in a place where I won't question if there is life outside of these walls and if I have to make sure the landlord, with hair curlers in hair and cigarette in lips, won't come knocking on my door and start asking, "Why does it always sound like there's someone having sex in here but there's no girl in here?"

For the primer, I felt compelled by my earlier post on Zach Galiafanakis (it pains me to spell out his last name, yet he's just too damn funny that he's worthy of me getting it right) to post a video from his Comedy Central special. Bottom line, Zach closes out the show by explaining that he has trouble with women and that his 12 exes formed an acapella group. Sure enough, we have the acapella group singing The Bangles' "Eternal Flame" while Zach continues being Zach and shows the audience pre-written statements shown as the song goes on. And, oh, yeah. He's got camel's toe.

It's funny because it's ironic. Get it?!

3 Days 'Til Conan

2009-05-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

Late Night with Conan O'Brien later in its run became a staple all over the world. Considering it was called Late Night, folks in different time zones caught an early glimpse of the show catching all that was the zany blunders of the red headed jokester before it even aired in the U.S. But his international reach only got larger and much sustained when he got the attention of the Finnish public. His striking resemblance to the country's president, a woman, attracted a hailstorm of fan reaction, and in an instant, Finland became Conan's own territory.

That was fully realized in 2005 when he visited the Scandanavian nation and chroniclized a whole week of shows to show his appreciation...and entertainment...to a whole snowy white land which, on a map, looks very much like a penis that got grouped up with other penises (Sweden, Norway? too much sex ed, little geography?)

Zach Galifianakis vs. Bo Burnham: Who Ya Got?

2009-05-28T22:56:00.000-07:00

They both play piano while telling one liners. They both have comedies coming out this summer (Galifianakas in The Hangover, Burnham in Funny People). The only difference is the generation gap. Zach, at 39, is 20 years older than young Bo.

Who ya got?

Zach? (shown here on Late Night with Conan O'Brien in 2001)

Or Bo? (shown here on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon)

Comment accordingly...

Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

2009-05-28T15:13:00.000-07:00

What's Romanian for "But I love your D's!"

Terrifically titillating teenage tennis sensation Simona Halep was recently ousted in the second round of the French Open. Yeah, you lost, Simona, but that doesn't mean you have to take it out on your breasts!

Halep is reportedly planning breast-reduction surgery, because her superhuman chest somehow doesn't help her play tennis.
Halep was definitely talking about her lady lumps and is clearly aware of the the, uh ... logistical complications that they create for a bouncy, quick-moving tennis player... [Deadspin]

The Deadspin article sourced an obscure Romanian web site for Halep's intentions, although it appears nobody knows what the hell people are saying and there's a good possiblity that she's not getting that reduction.

Just somethings of note, Halep is not even 17 yet so those same feelings you have for Miley Cyrus need apply. Still, which classmate in high school did you want to motorboat?

And to drive this straight-up perverted post home (because, believe me, there was nothing here of intellectual value to be said), here's how you can keep booby watching without...booby...watching. Heh?

EMBED-An Important Lesson on Boobs - Watch more free videos

Katharine's Got 'Paparazzi Protection'

2009-05-28T14:31:00.000-07:00

Trust me. That's Katharine McPhee.

Funny or Die is once again helping an otherwise unfunny celebrity get all hilarious and what not, this time with a vid about Quween, Katharine McPhee's "paparazzi protection."

Quween apparently got up from her box she was sleeping in and came to the American Idol runner-up's rescue (video here) when she was just walking down the street in L.A. She was bat shit crazy then and, in this vid, she's bat shit crazy now. And now, thanks to viral internets and all those blogging trends and Jello pudding, Quween will be appearing next season on Dancing with the Stars. I called it!

Can we get back to Katherine McPhee, though? I mean, besides her DO-ability, she is so cute and so beautiful. And she sings like an angel. She would be the perfect wife.

What?

She's married?

To who?

Who?!

He's 45?!

Cooter Looter: ...And the Other Crap of the Day

2009-05-28T13:25:00.000-07:00

I steal stories. You read them. It's a win-win, fool.

LeBron Loves Coke

If you thought the first Nike MVPuppets sketch implied a little something about Lebron James going Scarface on that china whyte, then here's a redubbed vid of the Lebron puppet "loving" cocaine (!)

Shamwow! It's Paper Towels!

It's the best thing since the Shamwow! PAPER TOWELS! Holy shit! I spilled soy sauce!

Mr. T Pities the Fool...and Peanuts and Cracker Jacks

When I think of the best vocalists in the world, Mr. T doesn't necessarily pop into my consciousness. But he apparently practiced and performed "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" at Wrigley Field, continuing the dubious trend of non-singing celebrities to rape the 7th inning tradition in Chicago.

Fo' it's 1...2...3 strikes you out!

Trash TV Returns

I don't care how groundbreaking MTV's The Real World has been to television. Those serious talks about AIDS and alcoholism and sexism and homophobia got squirted into a napkin a long time ago. I blame the Las Vegas cast for starting it.

Anyways, after a botched attempt to revive consciousness in the series, RW relocates to Cancun. I wonder if social issues come up now. I believe they tackle world hunger in this one...and, also, lesbianism...and, yes, body shots in cravasses you didn't know you had.

Oh, yeah. Big Brother returns to CBS in July. We could really use a house full of 20-somethings and at least one MILF again just like Season 9.

Finally, Here's Neil Patrick Harris Dancing with Elmo. ENJOY!

Presenting Girl in Undies on a Skateboard

2009-05-28T12:51:00.000-07:00

Need I say more? [With Leather via Busted Coverage]

Super Ultra Mega Baby NOT on the Way

2009-05-28T12:15:00.000-07:00

Shipoopi!

So that's a no on hot Frankenbaby? Tom, do explain.

After practice on Thursday, the quarterback talked about the importance of a wife and "children." But when reporters asked Brady, who has a son with actress Bridget Moynahan, whether another child [with model, wife Gisele Bundchen] was on the way, Brady shook his head and said, "No."
"One is enough," Brady said. [AP]

Aside from the obvious attractability, I still don't get how Tom Brady, a backup quarterback at University of Michigan and an all-out all-American boy from the Bay Area, can score some hot, international, exotic trim like Gisele. It's not like he threw a pass and accidentally hit her in the nose in the backyard of the Brady Family home. Or maybe he did. He was Greg Brady, right?

Anyways, it's times like these that we could use the "If They Mated" segment from Late Night with Conan O'Brien. I bet they'd get this diaper dandy of a baby.

[Eds. Note: Yes, I know that's David Beckham. No, I have no man-crush on him. In fact, I googled hot chicks in diapers. Sure enough...]

Green Light This Muthaf--ka Now!

2009-05-28T12:07:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I can actually see Jason Schwartzman do this exact sitcom. I say can because the clip is from a fake show. It's the show within the Funny People movie set for release in August starring Adam Sandler and directed by Judd Apatow. But today, the "show" called Yo, Teach! got some real-looking promotion and prime positioning on the NBC website.

I guess doing some elaborately fake things is the rage in promoting movies these days. If that's true, I think I should stage a fake male pregnancy to promote this blog. Believe me, I haven't had my period yet and I'm starting to worry. :-/

4 Days 'Til Conan

2009-05-28T00:00:00.000-07:00

Borat on Late Night With Conan O'Brien
by DasReich

What may go unnoticed when looking back at Conan O'Brien's run on Late Night is his remrkable rapport with his guests. He can still manage to get the best answers out of his guests and he can, at times, be as funny as he wants and as serious as he wants. There are also times when being the serious, cordial interviewer that he becomes responsible for what kind of answers are presented in his forum. The vid with Conan and Borat is something of remarkable.

He knows he's interviewing the man who's disguised as a Kazakh journalist but he humors him. And he humors him to the point where the proposition of touching each other's penii arise. Conan's one brave ginger.

'The Monster's' Ex is in a Video, Too

2009-05-27T16:51:00.000-07:00

How Rihanna got her groove back. Despite the media portrayal of her being the victim to a violent domestic spat with Chris Brown, Ms. 'Robyn F', as she was addressed in a court complaint against Brown, still proved her sexiness in this weird yet aesthetically-pleasing music video for Kanye West's "Paranoid".

She got to spin on a tourniquet, make expressive faces, many of them smiles BTW, and got to drive what appears to be a Mach 5 in front of a white projection sheet. Say what you will about who's right between CB and Rihanna, but principles is principles, right? Do you ~~beat down with brute force~~ hit a woman? Well, if she works for you every night on a street corner on Hollywood Boulevard, then all bets are off.

Oh, yeah, Chris Brown acted a fool today, too.

This Can Only Help His Character

2009-05-27T14:35:00.000-07:00

Chris Brown hit, not in that way, the YouTubes yesterday to pimp out his new album and his innocence. And aside from being as "thugnificent" as hell about clearing his name (you know that pesky little brush up with that one other R&B singer) and sending love to his fans (he still has some?), it didn't help with his usual collaborator Bow Wow backing him up with a "beleed dat," which, of course, means "believe that" in hood rat terms.

Oh, young lil' pup Chris. Can you at least show some humility?

Something for the Lunch Crowd

2009-05-27T11:35:00.000-07:00

[WWTDD] The remnants of an angsty, rich teen actress or the current waste of a Hollywood mom?

You can't always trust Tori Spelling. But you can always trust Tori Spelling to be Tori Spelling. And with that epitaph, may I throw up in my mouth a little bit. You know her story, if you weren't living under Jennifer Love Hewitt's butt flaps. Short version: actress daughter of billionaire TV producer, battled alleged bulimia, lightning rod of the paparzzi, and combined her evil powers with Brian Austin Green to be the most insufferable couple on network television. And, oh, yeah, the saggy implants. **Sound of me puking**

And if that doesn't leave you squeamish, here's a pro soccer game in South Africa with a routine race for the ball that "goes for broke" [from WithLeather]

Gaga is a Bubbly Lady

2009-05-27T10:31:00.001-07:00

[Socialite Life] Why, Lady Gaga? Why?

In an unintentional running theme for today, we have another female vocalist who is known more for her eccentric outward appearance and exposure to limelight than her music.

So someone at Rolling Stone decided to give Miss Lady Gaga the cover for June '09. You'd think she's naked but really she's got some crazy form fitting see-through plastic boustier with some strategically placed bubbles. Yeah, she also has no boobs so I guess I'm thankful more than ever for strategically placed bubbles.

Gaga, who looks very ordinary underneath all that fashionista gloss, talks about her background in music and her tendencies towards women. Not all that bad when you think about it. I'll admit, just like Katy Perry, Gaga can sing. She's a remarkable vocalist and very musically inclined. But I guess this appearance is what happens when you're born and raised a trust fund baby in Manhattan, right, Paris Hilton?

5 Days 'Til Conan

2009-05-27T02:39:00.000-07:00

The Interrupter - 02/06/05
by ccob

I don't think any current sketch comedy show, even those that go for all out wackiness and weirdness (see The State), could ever conjure up something like The Interrupter. This "in-between-guests" bit from Late Night had to be one of the best written things that the show came up with and I found that this was made in an era when the show hit its stride (2000-2006).

But then again why...
...would you say something like that?

I respect that show enough...
...to say it had its stride throughout its run?

Even though...
...you thought the Masturbating Bear was too much?

Darn Interrupter. Why can't he just...

...go get screwed by a fire hydrant?

Katy Perry or the Villain from Indiana Jones 4?

2009-05-27T01:56:00.000-07:00

She's the irrelevent centerfold in Boiler Room Monthly.

So, blah blah blah. Blah blah Katy Perry's boobs. Blah blah blah.

Still you can't help but wonder what's driving this lady who should be known more for her vocal pipes rather than her luscious headlights, if ya know what I mean? **hand raised for high-five** What? You're leaving me hangin'?

Anyways, Complex magazine, which, by all accounts, is really complex, has a new piece on the girl-kissing homophobe with a set of great, big, soft...pictures.

The S&M clad daughter of a pastor wants to make sure you know she was a gospel singer before her pop radio antics, just so we know for 1,000th time. Plus, her boobs! Yeah.

Click here for the interview from complex.com.

Click here for the photos from the Complex piece via Egotastic.

Jose Canseco Gets Beat, Paid

2009-05-27T01:55:00.000-07:00

Hong Man Choi vs Jose Canseco dream 9
by michael_dwayne_jr

Let's say you wanted to pit a mongoose against a rattlesnake in a no holds barred mixed martial arts exhibition...of nature. What's different, though, is the mongoose is a greasy, broke, Steroid-user who snitched on other mongeese (?) for using unfair means to get ahead in the mongoose game and the rattlesnake is a 7'2" Korean with some ounce of knowledge and experience tearing the shit up of other mongeese and who also looks like a cross between Bond villains Jaws and Oddjob. This video kinda is like that except you also hear f'n Wild Thing play in the background. Anyways, the mongoose gets his ass beat rather unceremoniously. The mongoose also needed a check like now, now.

Pacino as Kevorkian? Hoo-ah!

2009-05-26T13:18:00.000-07:00

Assisted deaths. I'm all over it. Hoo-AH!

Hoping to atone for the steamy brown coily piece of crap known as Simone, Al Pacino is in talks to bring Dr. Jack Kevorkian, aka the man who assisted his patients' suicides, in an HBO made-for-TV movie.

Al Pacino is in talks to play Dr. Jack Kevorkian in the upcoming HBO telepic You Don't Know Jack, according to Variety.
Based on an authorized biography of the famed "suicide doctor" by his assistant Neal Nicol and his lifelong friend Harry Wylie, the movie will be about Kevorkian's creation of the "Mercy Machine" and his role in helping his patients commit suicide.
[EW via Variety]

So he's going from being the devil to being a modern day vessel of death. I'm so waiting to see what he wants to do next. Maybe a mild-mannered satanist who has uptight, neat freak roommate? How about a gritty look at the life of the Tin Man from Wizard of Oz with him attached as the wise but drug-addicted scarecrow?

Who knows? All I know is he shot up dudes in his own home and snorted a mountain of coke on a desk in Scarface. You know, all rappers watch Scarface.

Do You Find Me Sadistic?

2009-05-26T12:16:00.000-07:00

I've promised myself not to let my personal dirty laundry flood my blog catered to the bored and slightly ADD-ish. Plus, at this slightly depressing and trying time, I don't think cutting or shooting myself will do. Not so many people will give a crap anyways. So let's just let this YouTube video do my talking and sum up my feelings at the moment.

And let me just hope that I'll have the gaul to write about how much I want to kick every person I see in the crotch because...actually, just because.

6 Days 'Til Conan

2009-05-26T11:20:00.000-07:00

I thought this was one of the underrated "at-the-desk" comedy bits on Conan's Late Night show. I understand from a television producer's perspective that keeping up with time in the run of a show is important. Everything has to be timely and if you need to, you can wrap up a segment or stretch segment long enough as long as everything fits in.

The bit "Frankenstein Wastes a Minute of Our Time" is both lovable and playful about being on time for a show. And it always ends the way you don't expect it to end because the premise is to lead people into a trail of suspense only to pay them off with the ultimate let down.

Gotta love basic, formulaic comedy.

What is a Glory Hole?

2009-05-25T12:39:00.000-07:00

In between all the lethargic self-pity, watching a Prince cover band, and dancing at a swanky-ass resort, I was beckoned this past weekend to watch every episode of the seminal TV classic It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I paid a good 40 dollars on eBay to purchase seasons 1, 2, and 3 on DVD.

There are no words to describe out the frivoloties of this show, what with all the immoral and soulless acts of these young bar-owning miscreants. I'll let Hulu do my dirty work.

She's a Braver Woman Than I

2009-05-25T12:20:00.000-07:00

[WWTDD/Flynet Exclusives] Let's just say there's nothing much on her body under that box.

(Did I infer that I was a woman?) I have no clue what a Charlotte Gainsbourg is. But she's apparently some actress from France, home of tight mime shirts, hairy armpits on women, and war deserters. (That was my only way to get at least one Memorial Day reference in on any post today.)

She made her presence stateside recently with the notion that no one sees her changing bikinis on a public beach. It's something that wouldn't translate well with jurisdictions in the lower 48, but I will assume that this is just another day on the French Riviera next to hot and sweaty Frenchmen who twist their pencil-thin moustaches and say "Uh huh huh huh." (How many stereotypes have I fit in already?)

Anyways, WWTDD and Flynet, the links in the caption, have the uncensored pictures. I thought I could share this with you being that I'm working and you're probably not. And if that's so, I envy. God, do I envy you.

7 Days 'Til Conan

2009-05-25T08:58:00.000-07:00

Conan O'Brien may have not gotten that stoner, college student demographic if it weren't in part due to the presence of Robert Smigel's Triumph the Insult Comic Dog character.

You keep forgetting that Triumph is merely a puppet being channeled through Smigel's twisted humor and unforgiving apathy. And no one was safe from Triumph. He targeted nerds, most especially, but other dogs and their owners, as well as Southerners and the like. The logic with the accent doesn't really get me but it's still funny as hell.

I remembered that I was so compelled by the Triumph character that I pre-ordered his comedy CD when I only had only $20 in my bank account to spend from the time of the pre-order to the release. It was a worthy purchase...

FOR ME TO POOP ON!